The Hienama

by Storm Constantine

  I did try. But all evening, I had to endure the butterfly presence of Gesaril, whose laughter reached far. He was forever messing with his hair, twisting little locks of it, chewing it, or else trying to pull his clothes back on. Always, wherever he was in the room, his glance kept sliding towards our table. He didn’t care that I noticed.

  Zehn arrived late, accompanied by a har called Arken, who was another fairly recent addition to our community, not yet shattered by Zehn. He was a good-natured and attractive har, fair-haired like Zehn, and very tanned. I hoped Zehn wouldn’t damage him too much. I hoped he could find a companion in Arken, somehar to care for. Hara called them over to our group, and Zehn had little choice but to comply, even though I was aware he hated being near me, especially when Ysobi was there. I didn’t want to make his evening miserable, and in fact was feeling quite tender towards him, mainly because of the vileness of Gesaril. At one point, we were sitting close to one another. I smiled at him and leaned towards him to say, ‘Arken’s lovely, Zehn. You look good together.’

  He smiled back thinly. ‘How are you?’

  ‘Fine. Have you met Ysobi’s new student?’

  He shook his head.

  ‘I’m tempted to ask you to do your stuff on him. He’s a monster.’

  Zehn laughed a little. ‘When I said I’d always help you out, I didn’t think you’d expect my services to extend that far.’

  ‘I’m joking. I wouldn’t wish him on anyhar.’

  Gesaril had stopped by our table several times during the evening, clearly to display himself to Ysobi, who I’m glad to say didn’t react. The next time he came by, he spotted Zehn, who in the beauty contest stakes could give the little horror a run for his money. ‘You must be Zehn,’ he said. ‘I’ve heard about you.’

  Zehn gave him a cold eye. ‘Who are you?’

  ‘Hasn’t Yzzi’s chesnari told you?’ I had no doubt he remembered my name, just chose not to use it.

  Zehn merely shook his head. He turned to me. ‘I’m going to the bar. You want a drink, Jass?’

  ‘Please. I’m trying to be good and not have too much.’ I didn’t want to say more.

  ‘I understand. I’ll get you something not too toxic.’ Zehn stood up.

  ‘I’m Gesaril,’ the horror said, in a tone that implied he thought Zehn must surely know who he was.

  ‘Congratulations,’ Zehn said. He brushed past Gesaril. ‘Excuse me.’

  Gesaril was left standing there before me. I smiled sweetly, then looked the other way.

  Of course, the only thing that this scenario amounted to was a declaration of war.

  It didn’t take long for Gesaril to change his tactics, although he didn’t put them into play until after the new student turned up. This was Orphie, a shy and fairly withdrawn young har, who was second generation as Gesaril was. I took a liking to Orphie straight away, perhaps for obvious reasons. In retrospect, I can see that I’d begun to burgeon with nurturing instincts, but Orphie was also such a welcome change from the other one. I asked Ysobi if he’d mind me asking Orphie to come and eat with us sometimes, and he said he had no objection. He’d become a lot more open, since me.

  The first time Orphie came to my house, he could barely speak to me. He was a small, fragile creature, with soft light brown hair, a pointed elfin face and enormous doe-like dark eyes. It was hard to credit he’d been through feybraiha a year before. I tried to make him feel at ease, and got him to help me prepare the meal. When it was ready to eat, Ysobi hadn’t arrived yet. It was not like him to be late. I opened some wine, and poured Orphie and me a glass each. The dinner was being kept warm on the stove. If Ysobi didn’t come soon, it would spoil.

  The atmosphere became ever more strained, until I said, ‘Well, perhaps we should just eat.’

  Orphie agreed at once; no doubt grateful the consumption of food mitigated the need for conversation.

  We were halfway through the meal when Ysobi finally appeared. I didn’t like the look of him. He was agitated. Without questioning him, I fetched his dinner. He played with it for a while. Eventually, even though Orphie was there, I had to ask: ‘Is everything OK, Yz?’

  He frowned. ‘Yes. I’ll talk to you later.’

  Perhaps sensing his presence was awkward, Orphie fled almost as soon as we’d finished eating, which effectively ruined my plans of warm conversation to help him relax into Jesith’s way of life.

  Ysobi took the dishes into the kitchen, and after a while I followed him.

  ‘It’s Gesaril, isn’t it?’ I said, standing at the threshold.

  ‘It wasn’t good,’ Ysobi said, with his back to me.

  ‘What wasn’t?’

  ‘We…’ He put down a dish into the sink and turned round. ‘Let’s go back to the other room.’

  My heart had stilled. I felt I had become partly dead.

  In the living room, I sat on the sofa and stared at him. ‘What do you want to tell me?’

  Ysobi sat opposite me on a chair, leaned forward. ‘He fell apart on me, Jass. I’ve never seen anything like it.’

  I frowned. ‘That doesn’t mean anything to me. What happened? Have you begun the arunic arts?’

  Ysobi nodded. ‘This afternoon, yes.’

  A chill skittered through me. I didn’t want to hear more, and yet I knew I had to.

  Ysobi sighed through his nose before speaking. ‘At first, it was just as if he was uncomfortable with it, which happens. I kept it low key. It’s an important phase, as you know. It helps a har to reach his potential. It’s vital it goes smoothly. Anyway, I… Jass, I don’t want to upset you… Can you cope with this?’

  No, most likely not. I swallowed. ‘We talked about this, Yz. I’m your chesnari. You can speak to me about anything.’

  He closed his eyes briefly. ‘Thanks. Anyway, we were reaching the end of it, when he started moaning. At first, I thought… Well, you can imagine. The peak came, and it seemed all right to me, then he screamed. He didn’t stop screaming. He was hysterical. I pulled out of him and there was blood, quite a lot of it.’

  ‘What?’ I could see it in my mind’s eye. I could smell it.

  Ysobi had gone very pale. ‘It must have been my fault. He’s young, not long past feybraiha. I must have torn him. He was tight, Jass, and I know that because of all the arunic work I’ve done...’ He gestured helplessly. ‘It was like I’d butchered him. He must have been bleeding for some time, but I hadn’t noticed.’ He clenched his hands into fists. ‘I should have noticed.’

  ‘God.’ I put my head in my hands. That was far too much detail. My stomach turned over. I could taste sour metallic wine in my throat.

  ‘I had to calm him down, stay with him, give him healing. The bleeding stopped eventually.’ Ysobi groaned in utter bewilderment. ‘It’s never happened to me before. I don’t understand it. It wasn’t as if I’d lost control. I was being careful. I…’

  I couldn’t bear any more. The stink of blood, the taste of it, consumed my senses. I stood up and went to the kitchen, where I vomited over the dirty dishes. I felt it would never end, or I’d throw up my insides. It was like I’d been poisoned. My belly ached. There were spots of light before my eyes.

  Ysobi came in after me, leaned against my back, held my stomach. He made soothing noises, and when I’d finished retching said, ‘I’m so sorry, Jass.’

  ‘It’s OK,’ I managed to say. I turned on the tap and let water splash over my cupped hands. I drank as much as I could to get rid of that hideous taste. ‘I’m just feeling queasy. I should stop drinking wine until after the pearl has dropped.’

  Ysobi held me tighter. ‘You don’t want to hear these things, I know, and your body’s in a state unknown to you. But you’re the only one I can talk to.’

  ‘I know. I’m all right with it, Yz, honestly, but it’s still a shock to hear it.’ I took another drink of water from the tap and turned round in Ysobi’s arms to face him. Somehow, I was able to ask: ‘How is he now?’

  ‘I left him at my place.
He’s sleeping.’ Ysobi paused. ‘I think I’ll have to go back tonight. He doesn’t look good. It’s like he’s in shock.’

  ‘Oh.’

  He tilted my chin up with one hand. ‘Jass, you do understand, don’t you?’

  ‘Yes,’ I said, perhaps too sharply. ‘You warned me. I stand by what I said.’

  He kissed me, but I wanted to pull away. I guessed he’d had his mouth on Gesaril’s soume-lam, and it felt contaminated.

  It took every shred of will I possessed to calm myself about this situation. I didn’t doubt that Gesaril had been hurt, but part of me wondered if he’d done something to himself to make it happen. He had Ysobi concerned for him, worried because he thought he’d caused injury. Effectively, he now had Ysobi’s full attention and I couldn’t believe that wasn’t a strategy.

  That night, I couldn’t sleep properly. If I did manage to doze off, I would hear screaming and wake up, with echoes of a cry winging round my room. I felt feverish and was perhaps hallucinating. Was Ysobi holding Gesaril in his arms now? I don’t know how I got through that night. I realised that my condition must be exacerbating my feelings and reactions, but I couldn’t dispel a terrible feeling of dread.

  Ysobi came to me early the next morning. Nohar locks their doors in Jesith, so he came right up to my bedroom, where I’d eventually drifted off into a troubled sleep. He sat on the bed and shook me awake. ‘Hey,’ he said softly. ‘I’m going to make you breakfast. Don’t get up.’

  I yawned and pulled myself into a sitting position. ‘How is he?’ I asked coldly.

  Ysobi stroked my hair. ‘Better,’ he said. ‘He apologised, which astounded me. He really seems abashed about what happened, as if it was his fault, which I don’t think it was at all.’

  ‘And where is he now?’ I snapped, unable to find the slightest shred of sympathy within me.

  ‘He’s gone back to his lodgings. He told me he was fine, and that I should come to you. I explained you were with pearl.’

  My deep suspicions descended a further few miles towards the centre of the earth.

  After that, I couldn’t bring myself to ask Ysobi how the arunic training progressed, and he offered no further information. I made myself pretend it wasn’t happening, that Gesaril wasn’t using every wile he owned to manipulate my chesnari. But Ysobi spent more and more time with Gesaril, ostensibly because he needed support. For somehar who was so fragile and damageable in the soume department, I thought, he seemed to want to spend a lot of time having it stretched to capacity. I was obsessive, and at that time forgot that caste training includes a lot more than arunic arts. I was in such a state I felt that Ysobi was taking aruna with Gesaril continually. I spoke to nohar about the situation, and maintained a cheerful front.

  Occasionally, we’d run into Gesaril when we were socialising. He was always civil to me in front of Ysobi, but wasn’t quite the same on the rare occasions we met and Ysobi wasn’t there. Once, I had to walk past him on the way back from the bathroom in the Pool, and he decided he wanted some sport. He caught hold of my arm and said, ‘How are you, Jassenah?’

  ‘Fine.’ I smiled politely and made to move away from him.

  But he wouldn’t let me go. ‘It must be really weird having a pearl inside you. I don’t think I’d like it. It’s like a parasite sapping all your strength.’ I assumed that was a way to tell me I wasn’t looking my best.

  ‘Actually, it feels good,’ I said, finally shaking off his hold. ‘When you’re old enough, you should try it.’

  He laughed. ‘I don’t think I’ll ever be old enough. I know hara have to do it, but I wouldn’t want to have my life taken over in that way. I like having fun too much.’

  ‘Well, maybe you’ll feel different when you…’ I nearly said ‘grow up’, but realised this would sound too hostile or defensive. ‘When you meet the right har,’ I said.

  ‘Perhaps,’ Gesaril said. At that point, he spotted somehar more interesting than me and wandered off. I felt shaken, as if we’d just had a big fight.

  Despite Gesaril, there were good times during those weeks I was with pearl. Orphie gradually responded to my coaxing, like a nervous stray fawn. He spent a lot of time with me, helping me at the vineyard, and at the house. I thought he must have had a very close relationship with his hostling and missed this har. Sometimes, he’d come over in the evening and snuggle up to me on the sofa, seeking comfort. I wasn’t completely sure how I felt about that. It made me think about how soon I’d have a son of my own who’d want to do that kind of thing. I just couldn’t see myself in that situation. But I can’t deny there was something rewarding about the trust Orphie placed in me.

  Ysobi was pleased about our friendship. ‘Orphie needs to be drawn out,’ he said. ‘He and his hostling had a rough time for a while. It affected him.’

  ‘What happened?’

  Ysobi shrugged. ‘I don’t know exactly, but the hostling’s dead now. Orphie doesn’t like to talk about it, and I won’t push it. He’ll talk when he’s ready.’

  A wave of cold washed through me. ‘That explains a lot.’

  ‘You’re doing him good. Thank you.’

  ‘Yet more training for me,’ I said. ‘It’s useful, I suppose.’

  Ysobi pulled me close. ‘I like it when we can work together like this.’ He paused. ‘But don’t look on Orphie as a harling, Jass. He isn’t. He hides behind appearing that way and that’s not what he needs now. I think, maybe, if you want to, you could help me with the arunic part of his training. He trusts you.’

  ‘Is that soon?’

  Ysobi nodded. ‘It’s overdue, actually. I thought he needed more time.’

  I considered this for a moment and then came to a decision. ‘Let me start it for him,’ I said. ‘You said yourself I could be a hienama one day.’

  Ysobi kissed my forehead. ‘You could. How about us starting tomorrow?’

  ‘Well, better sooner rather than later.’ I sighed. ‘I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be any good for such work.’

  ‘It won’t hurt our pearl, I know that.’

  I went to the Nayati the following afternoon. Orphie was sitting in Ysobi’s living room, looking as if he were about to be tortured to death. ‘I’m not good at this stuff,’ he told me, hands plunged deep between his knees.

  ‘It’s not about being good or bad,’ I said. ‘You don’t have to do anything taxing today. I’m not going to hurt you. I’ll just show you some things. OK?’

  He nodded gravely. I saw then what Ysobi meant. Orphie did play act at being younger than he was. He would need careful handling.

  Ysobi came in then, and we spent some minutes teaching Orphie about breath control and how to sense a har’s energy field. Although Ysobi didn’t include the sharing of breath in his training, I felt it was appropriate for Orphie, since it could act as a kind of gentle anaesthetic, and helped to lower inhibitions. Ysobi sat quietly while I initiated this. Orphie was the first har I’d touched since Ysobi and I had bonded. It felt strange, but not disloyal. I appreciated then, a little of what Ysobi had tried to make me understand about the student/hienama relationship.

  Ysobi kept silent and let me do what I felt was right. He didn’t interfere throughout any of it. Orphie seemed relaxed enough with the breath-sharing, so I continued it for quite some time. Then, when I judged the moment was right, I laid him back and began gently to undress him. Orphie whimpered a little and became tense. I stroked him, and murmured words to soothe him. ‘We don’t have to do this now,’ I said. ‘If you want to stop, we stop.’

  He stared at me. ‘No. I want to do this. I’m just nervous.’

  ‘There’s nothing to be nervous of. You’re not a harling any more. You’re made for this.’

  He held my gaze. ‘The feelings that aruna brings… they’re too powerful. It’s like you could get lost in them.’

  I sat back on my heels, concerned. ‘Did something bad happen to you, Orphie?’ I asked softly.

  He shook his head. ‘Not to m
e, no. I want to get over this. Can we just go slowly?’

  I nodded. ‘Of course.’ After a pause, I said, ‘Is there anything you want to talk about first?’

  ‘No,’ Orphie replied. ‘Let’s just get on with it. What must I do?’

  ‘Just relax. Let me do everything.’

  He smiled at me, uncertainly. ‘OK.’

  It felt very odd having Ysobi watch me do things to Orphie that once he’d done to me. I was conscious of his eyes upon me. Orphie was not like Zehn; he was difficult to arouse. Without asking Ysobi’s advice, I settled for working on one sikra, very softly. The sikra was small and weak, difficult to find. After I felt it swell just a little, I said to Orphie, ‘Do you feel that?’

  He nodded, eyes shut tight.

  ‘I want you to imagine your whole being going into that spot. Just relax. We’ll take aruna now, but pay attention to what happens inside you. OK?’

  ‘Yes.’

  I knelt up and pulled him onto my lap, held him close. I went inside him carefully. He put his head on my shoulder. Gradually, his initial shuddering sighs became deeper. He began to move upon me. I fell backwards, let him take control. By this time, he was confident enough to do so. I knew I should be saying things about control of energy and so on, but was just pleased to see him taking aruna with abandon. Training could come later, I thought. This was what he needed now. I felt the tide building up within me and closed my eyes. It was then I realised that my son was aware of it too. It was like honey to him. My ouana-tongue lashed out and Orphie contracted very strongly about me. He bore down on me with all his weight, pulling me deeper. He uttered deep grunts of repletion. When he’d finished, he brushed damp hair back from his face and smiled at me. I could tell he didn’t want to get off me. ‘Keep going,’ I whispered. ‘It’s OK.’

  He closed his eyes and threw back his head. After a while, he peaked again, and laughed aloud, pleased with himself.

  Orphie climbed off me and lay at my side. I pulled him against me. ‘I saw your pearl,’ he said. ‘It’s a golden sun inside you.’ I think we had both forgotten Ysobi was there.