Hard To Leave (The Hard Series Book 3)

by S. Jones

  “Mom!” Tanner called from the hallway. “Is dessert ready yet?”

  I opened up the cupboard to pull out three glasses from the cabinet. “Almost. Why don’t you come here, so we can chat with our guest?”

  Brogan and I shared a glance. I was suddenly having a hard time breathing. Tanner rounded the corner and took a seat at the kitchen table. I set his glass of chocolate milk in front of him while the dog came running into the room.

  “Well, hello there,” Brogan said while scratching the side of Smuckers’ head. The dog was sniffing his legs like he had a T-bone steak hidden in his pocket.

  “I’m sorry. I’ll put the little mooch outside.”

  “He’s fine.” Brogan smiled with his right dimple making an appearance. “I have a black lab at home. He probably smells Hank on me.”

  Tanner looked up from his milk. “You have a dog named Hank?”

  Brogan laughed. “Yeah, after my Idol, Hank Williams, Junior.”

  Tanner twisted his face. “Never heard of him.”

  “He’s a country singer,” Brogan answered easily like that was the only explanation it needed.

  “I don’t listen to country.” The words slid out of Tanner’s mouth as I tried not to laugh.

  Brogan’s mouth hung open, and he cut his eyes to mine

  “What kind of music do you listen to?” Brogan asked Tanner gently, but I could still see his knee bouncing under the table.

  “All kinds. Bruno Mars is my favorite.”

  “Yeah?” Brogan leaned back in his chair. Self-doubt clouded his eyes. “He’s pretty good.”

  I sat down and steepled my hands together under my chin.

  “Tanner, I have to talk to you about something.”

  Tanner’s big brown eyes looked up at me, and I was hit with an overwhelming wave of guilt. “You know how I told you that Brogan and I used to be friends?”

  He nodded, and I swear, I felt my heart pounding so hard in my chest, you could hear it from the other side of the kitchen. “Well, we were more than just friends. He was someone very special to me.”

  His eyebrows drew together. “Is he your new boyfriend? Is that why Jack left and hasn’t called me back?”

  My son’s innocent eyes stared back at me. I so desperately wanted nothing more than to spare him the ugly truth of what I did, but that train left the station years ago. There was no way I could avoid feeling like a complete failure when the night was over.

  “No, honey, he’s not my new boyfriend.” I leaned forward and grabbed his hand. This wasn’t going to be easy, and it was going to be a huge change, but he needed to know the truth no matter how difficult this was. “He’s your dad.”

  A few seconds passed while I waited on bated breath for my son’s reaction.

  His chair scraped against the floor as he threw it back. “No. He’s not. You said you didn’t know where my dad was. That he had to go away for work.” He looked angry, and I felt horrible.

  Brogan’s eyes darted to mine. He swallowed hard, looking at me with panic in his eyes. He didn’t know what to do or what to say. He was counting on me to handle this, and man was I screwing everything up. Big time.

  “He did have to go away for work.” Brogan’s hand found my knee under the table as I fumbled through my words. “He left before I got a chance to tell him that we were going to have a baby. He just found out about you yesterday.”

  He looked at Brogan and studied him for a moment. His forehead creased with uncertainty. “Did you not want me?”

  Tears streamed down my face. My heart was being torn into tatters. I dropped to my knees next to Tanner. “Nothing could be further from the truth. As soon as he found out that he had a son, he couldn’t wait to meet you.”

  Tanner’s eyes snapped to Brogan’s. “Really?”

  Brogan rested his arms on the table. He looked like he wanted to reach out and comfort Tanner but stopped himself. “Of course. I know this is all confusing to you right now. Truthfully, it’s confusing for me, too, but I’m hoping you’ll give me a chance to get to know you. Your mom has told me so much about you. You sound like a pretty awesome kid.”

  Tanner’s smile dimmed, and his bottom lip started to quiver. “Does this mean I’m going to have to move?”

  Brogan’s eyes darted to mine in panic as he ran a hand through his hair.

  I shook my head. “No. Brogan lives in Tennessee, but that doesn’t mean you have to move. He wants to visit you as often as he can. He just wants to spend time with you so he can get to know you. Will you give him a chance?”

  Brogan cut in. “I know this is a lot to take in all at once. Maybe we can start out as buddies, hang out and get to know each other. I don’t want you to feel pressured with doing anything you’re not comfortable with.”

  “What about Jack?” Tanner asked me. I tried to ignore the pain that hit my chest from that one simple question. I wanted to tell him that Jack and I were fine, but I wasn’t going lie to him.

  Brogan’s eyes narrowed, and his jaw ticked. I felt a knot twist in my stomach.

  “Things are complicated with Jack and me right now. But I know that he loves you no matter what. Just like Brogan does.”

  Tanner looked at Brogan. “Do I call you dad?”

  Brogan laughed, and I felt myself breathing for the first time since this discussion started. “You can call me whatever you like.”

  Chapter 29

  Jack

  The bell rang, and the sound of children’s voices and adult footsteps echoed throughout the hall.

  I nervously ran my sweaty palms down the side of my cargo shorts. A bead of perspiration sat at the tip of my hairline.

  Moms and nannies were collecting their over-excited children that were more than ready for the school day to be over.

  I took the day off work and booked a flight down to South Carolina, so I could talk to Tanner, face-to-face and man-to-man. Brad was right, and as much as I dreaded this conversation, Tanner needed and deserved to hear from me.

  On the other hand, it’s been over a week, and I still haven’t talked to Chloe to get her side of the story. I convinced myself that I needed time, but the funny thing was, I still didn’t know how I was supposed to feel.

  Avoiding her, keeping my distance and putting walls up was supposed to make me feel better, but as the days went on, I only felt like a coward.

  I spotted the Derek Jeter jersey immediately walking with a crowd of kids down the hallway. My heart pinched, remembering happier times. That day at Yankee Stadium was one of the best I’ve ever had.

  His shoulders were slumped as he walked with his head facing down. As soon he saw me, his eyes widened in surprise.

  “Hi, Jack.” The pitch in his voice was slightly higher than usual. It felt great to see him, even in spite of the guilt I felt for letting him down.

  “Hey bud, how’s it going?” I shoved my hands in the pockets of my shorts, trying to keep it casual. I had no clue how he would react to seeing me, and I was a fool to think that I had the right words prepared because I didn’t feel prepared at all.

  He tugged on the strap to his backpack and adjusted it over his shoulder. “I’m doing okay, I guess.” He glanced around and waved at a couple teachers that walked by. “What are you doing here?”

  “I wanted to talk to you about a few things. Is that okay? That I’m here?”

  All day I’ve wrestled with what to say, practiced in my head, and now that I was finally here, I was having trouble stringing basic words together.

  “Yeah.”

  “Good.” I gave him a smile packed with false confidence. I placed my arm around his shoulders and guided him to the front office so I could sign him out for the day. It felt good to hold him. I didn’t realize how much I needed this until now.

  Once we were out in the parking lot, we reached my Jeep and climbed inside.

  I adjusted my mirrors and started the engine. “You hungry? I thought maybe we could go to Banditos on the beach and grab a cou
ple tacos.”

  He clicked his seat belt and stared out the window. “Sure.”

  His response was flat and void of any emotion. I sighed, while putting my blinker on and pulled out of the parking lot. The kid loved tacos like most kids loved candy. Clearly, it was naïve of me to think an offer for some Mexican food would make this conversation any easier.

  We rode in uncomfortable silence on the way to the restaurant. I didn’t know what Chloe had told him, but he seemed unsure how to act around me. And I didn’t like that. Not one bit.

  I tried to make light conversation by asking him about baseball and school, but I was met with one-worded responses. How is it I could broker deals with some of the wealthiest men on the planet or convince companies to invest in properties that no one else would touch, but I couldn’t figure out how to talk to an almost eight-year-old?

  Once we reached our destination, I jumped out of my seat, thankful for the fresh air and change of scenery.

  We walked up to the bar, climbed on the stools and placed our orders with the bartender. “So, you’re probably wondering why I picked you up from school today, huh?”

  He played with his straw in his cup and shot me an inquiring look over his soda. “Mom just said you wanted to talk to me and that I shouldn’t be nervous.”

  I reached across the bar and grabbed my water. The weary look he offered wasn’t making me feel any better about what I had to say. “I do want to talk you, and it’s okay to be a little nervous. I know I am.”

  “Really?” he asked, as our server placed a bowl of chips and guacamole in front of us.

  “Really,” I repeated, as my fingers toyed with the paper napkin around my silverware.

  “What did you want to talk to me about?” he asked, cutting right to the chase.

  I pushed my sunglasses to the top of my head as he dipped his chips into the guacamole and relaxed back in his stool. “I wanted to apologize for leaving last week without saying goodbye and for not returning your messages. It was a lousy thing for me to do. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not going to lie to you, Tanner, things between your mom and me are complicated right now. I just needed a little time to think about things. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, and I’m sorry if I did.”

  I couldn’t bring myself to listen to his voice mails. I didn’t trust myself not to break down.

  He looked down at the ground. His expression grew cautious. “Is it because of my dad?”

  I tried to compose myself enough to answer him. He was already calling him dad, but then again, isn’t that what Brogan Hayes was? Still, the words hurt like a son of a bitch.

  I reminded myself that I needed to be the grown-up here. My wounded feelings would have to take a back seat.

  I searched his face. “How do you feel about that? About having a dad?”

  He needed his friend right now, not his mother’s jealous boyfriend probing with inappropriate questions.

  “I’m not sure. He seems cool, but it’s just weird, you know?”

  Boy, did I ever. My curiosity was getting the better of me, so I found myself asking the question I probably wasn’t going to like the answer to. “Have you been spending time with him?”

  “He’s come over a couple times, and we’ve hung out. He lives in Tennessee but said he’ll be back soon. He gave me his number and said I can call him whenever I wanted.” He looked out to the water. “He promised to take me fishing, like deep-sea fishing.”

  I pulled on the back of my neck. This was uncomfortable. “That sounds like fun. I’m sure you’ll like that.” I’ve been telling myself that this was going to happen. They were going to bond. It was inevitable. Brogan was his dad, and I couldn’t fault him for wanting to get to know his son. “Sounds like he plans on spending a lot of time with you and your mom. I’m happy for you.”

  It made me sick to my stomach, thinking of all the time Brogan would get to spend with them. I almost vomited on the bar when I thought about how easily I would be replaced.

  His lip quivered slightly. “Does that mean we can’t spend time together anymore?”

  I should have anticipated that question, yet it hadn’t even occurred to me that he would ask it. I should have prepared myself better for this conversation.

  “It doesn’t have to mean that at all. I just…” I raked my hand through my hair, forgetting about the sunglasses on top of my head. “I think it’s good that you’re getting to know your dad. I just don’t want to get in the way. But, that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to spend time with you or that I won’t be here for you if you need me.”

  “I like spending time with you, but I understand if you don’t want to anymore.” His grown-up approach to this made me realize I had a mountain of shit to work through. I clearly wasn’t handling this the right way.

  I bumped his shoulder. “I like hanging with you, too, and no matter what happens between your mom and me, I will always want to see you.”

  I took a sip of my Coke when he asked, “Did you guys break up?”

  I nearly choked on the liquid as it made its way down my throat. I coughed, grabbing a napkin to catch the mess. I haven’t seen or talked to Chloe since I left. I didn’t trust myself to not say things I would never be able to take back. I was angry and hurt and resented the entire situation.

  She knew how much I valued trust and honesty, and it hurt that she didn’t care enough to tell me the truth.

  I wiped off my mouth, searching for the right words. “I love you and your mom very much. We just have a few grown-up things to work through.”

  “You need to tell her that you still love her.”

  “What?” I asked, blinking in surprise.

  “She cries all the time. She’s so sad. She misses you.”

  This young man was so insightful for his age. His logic was better than mine. If only it were that simple.

  All I could do was shake my head because I was getting schooled by a fucking seven-year-old.

  “I miss her, too, but sometimes no matter how much you love someone, your problems are too big to work out. I’m not saying that’s the case between your mom and me; I’m just saying I don’t know what will happen between us. But you and me…” I bumped his shoulder. “We’ll always be friends, and I’ll always want you in my life.”

  His little brown eyes filled with moisture. “I thought you didn’t want us anymore.”

  I placed my hand on his shoulder and looked him square in the eye. “I will always want you. You may not be mine, but I love you as if you were. Nothing will ever change that.”

  “But what about Mom?”

  Jesus, this kid was killing me. “Whatever happens between your mom and me has nothing to do with us.”

  “She’s not with him, you know.”

  I felt my lips curl up in the corner. “I appreciate you saying that. I do.” Quite frankly, I was fucking relieved. “But, I don’t want you to worry about any of that. No matter what, we both love you.”

  He sighed. “I wish you both would just apologize and kiss and make up already.”

  I laughed. “You hated seeing us kiss all the time. Remember?”

  “Yeah, but seeing that all she does is cry now, I’ll take the kissing.”

  Talk about being kicked in the chest. I felt fucking crushed. Every waking moment had been consumed with thoughts of her. Wondering how she was and if she and Brogan were together. Wondering where we stood.

  When I thought back to all the conversations we had about the future, all the late-night phone calls, she had plenty of opportunities to tell me about Brogan. But she didn’t. I thought I knew her. I trusted her. I wanted to spend the rest of my fucking life with her. Christ, I wanted to give her kid my last name. When all along, she fucking knew and never told me. My anger resurfaced, not doing me an ounce of good with Tanner sitting right next to me.

  “I’m sorry that she’s so sad. And I’m sorry that you’re feeling sad too. Your mom and I need to figure some things out, but I don�
��t want you to worry about that.”

  I looked around conspiratorially. “So, in the meantime, want to blow this joint and go get a peanut butter cup sundae?”

  His eyes lit up. “Heck yeah.”

  I laughed at his reaction while pulling a couple twenties out of my wallet. I placed them on the bar, then turned to Tanner. “Lead the way, buddy.”

  Chapter 30

  Chloe

  “So let me see the text,” Carly said, dropping into the couch next to me.

  I drew my legs up to my chest and turned my phone over so she could read the screen.

  Everything is going well. Stopping for ice-cream before I bring him back.

  “That’s it?” she asked, as a taped episode of the Bachelorette played on the TV.

  “Yes.” I sighed, keeping my gaze fixed on the trashy reality show as two men cried over this season’s bachelorette. “That and the message he sent me last night asking if he could pick Tanner up from school.”

  I turned my attention back to the show as one man professed his love while the other poor guy begged not to be sent home. She was doing a horrible job at figuring out what to say. She squirmed in her seat, looking uncomfortable, and I wanted to scream at her to make up her damn mind.

  There was no way she was in love with both contestants. Yes, you could love two men, but not the same, and she had to choose.

  Carly grabbed the remote out of my hand when I started yelling at the TV and pressed the off button. I was tempted to shove her ass off the couch. “What the hell?”

  She folded her arms across her chest. “So let me get this straight. You haven’t spoken since he found out about Brogan. You have left numerous messages, all of which have been ignored. Then he sends you a text out of the blue, asking if he can pick Tanner up from school…and you said yes?”

  I kicked my feet up on the coffee table, feeling defeated. “That pretty much sums it up.”

  Her gentle hands rubbed along my back. She’s been so concerned about me that she hasn’t left my side all week. My days have consisted of trying to hold it all together. I’ve been in such a funk, that other than the sun rising and setting at the end of each day, everything else has been a blur. “Well, look at this way,” she offered. “At least he’s doing right by Tanner.”