I come up behind her, about to open my mouth and ask before I remember the new rules. I’m still cautious as I wrap my arms around her from behind, but she doesn’t flinch or give any indication she’s uncomfortable, sinking into my embrace with a contented sigh. I rest my chin on her shoulder, momentarily closing my eyes as I enjoy the feel of her in my arms. “I love you, Sel.”
She’s smiling as she turns her head slightly to look up at me. “You just told me in the car.”
I rub my nose against hers. “Is there a limit to how often I can tell you I love you?”
“Nope.” She rubs her nose against mine. “No limit. I will never tire of hearing you say that, because I worried my actions had lost you to me forever. I will never take your love for granted.”
My gaze lowers to her mouth before darting to her eyes, seeking permission even though I know she said we had to build up to this. If I don’t kiss her soon, I think I’ll combust.
“Keanu,” she whispers, licking her lips as her eyes latch onto my mouth. “You make my heart beat so fast.” Her eyes rise to mine, and I see the same desire reflected in her gaze. Her pupils are darker, burning with heat, and we move toward one another at the same time.
“Am I interrupting?”
We jerk apart at my dad’s words, and Selena blushes.
“Awesome timing, Dad,” I deadpan.
“Anytime, son,” he teases, grinning madly as he places a tray with coffee and homemade cookies on the table in front of the wicker couch.
I guide Selena to the couch, sitting beside her as Dad takes the seat opposite us.
“Alex tells me you beat off some stiff competition to win the Miranda Fanning campaign,” Dad says, mid-slurp. “Congratulations, Selena. That’s an amazing achievement.”
“Thank you.” She blows on the top of the mug, and visions of her blowing across the tip of my cock surface out of nowhere.
Fucking hell. I have it so bad.
I dismiss the visual before I turn to stone in my pants.
“And congratulations to you and Alex. She was so happy when she told me you two were back together,” Selena says, leaning back in the couch. I sling my arm around her shoulders, keeping her close.
“Life is good, Selena.” Dad exudes happiness in spades. Both my parents do. My brothers and I are overjoyed they are giving their marriage another try. “I have the love of my life back in my arms. It doesn’t get much better than this.”
“Amen to that,” I say, without hesitation, staring into Selena’s gorgeous eyes.
“If Kent was here, he’d give both of us so much shit for that statement.” Dad crosses one leg over his knee, grinning. “How is he doing?”
“He’s good,” I say, breaking a cookie in half and handing a piece to Selena.
Sel is naturally slender, and she doesn’t have to watch what she eats like a lot of the models I work with. I’ve seen a lot of shit in the industry, and I’m glad Sel has stayed wholesome. That she doesn’t snort coke like it’s going out of fashion purely to curb her appetite and stay reed thin. That she doesn’t purge after eating or refuse to eat at all. There is a lot I hate about the industry, and when I set up my own business, if I choose to set up a modeling agency, I plan to do things differently. “And he’s agreed to stop throwing parties while Selena is staying with us so that can only be a good thing.”
“All we need now is to find him a good woman.” Dad waggles his brows.
“Find who a good woman?” Mom asks, joining us.
“Kent,” Dad says, pulling her down onto his lap.
I beam at my parents, loving how readily they pack on the PDAs these days. Some might hate their parents pawing at one another, but I love seeing it. As long as I don’t see too much, because that shit would be gross as fuck.
“It’s going to take a brave, strong woman to tame my Kent,” Mom says. “But I’ve no doubt the right woman is out there somewhere.”
“He could have already met her,” I say, draining the last of my coffee.
“Please, don’t go there.” Mom groans. “Whitney isn’t right for Kent. They are not right for one another.”
Whitney is Faye’s half-sister and her and Kent had an on-off thing going for years whenever they saw one another. However, things were getting messy, and Kent put an end to it last year. I don’t know if she’s the one for him or not, because Kent won’t talk about her to me, but maybe, she is. Maybe, they need to be apart too. Maybe, they’ll find a way back to one another. Stranger things have happened.
“Maybe, the timing isn’t right,” Selena says, as if she has a hotline to my thoughts.
She has a hotline to my heart, and it’s almost the same thing.
“Timing is everything,” Mom agrees, pressing a soft kiss to my dad’s lips.
“And that’s our cue to leave.” I stand, bringing Sel with me.
“Do you want to come by for dinner later?” Mom asks.
“Thanks, but we’ll do our own thing,” I say.
Mom nods agreeably. “Well, stay for dinner tomorrow then.” She ruffles my hair. “We don’t see enough of you with your busy schedule.”
I glance at Selena, and approval is swimming in her eyes. “Sure.”
“Perfect.” Mom kisses my cheek. “We’ll see you two later.”
I give Selena a guided tour of the main house and the outer grounds before leading her out onto the path that runs through the woods and beyond to the guesthouse. We hold hands as we walk slowly through the forest, passing by the bungalow Lana and her parents lived in.
Lana is my brother Kalvin’s wife, and she grew up with us because her mom was our housekeeper and her dad was the groundskeeper, up until a few years ago. Lana and Kal live in Florida now with their three-year-old son Hewson.
Sel and I shoot the shit as we walk, and I can’t tell you the last time I felt this happy.
All thoughts of the danger Selena is in are firmly in the back of my mind, where I’m determined they will stay for the remainder of this weekend. Selena needs to unwind, and I want this weekend to be about her. About us. About reconnecting.
A blast of heat greets us as we step foot in the cabin, and the scent of fresh pine wafts through the air. A bag of groceries sits on the kitchen counter, and I smile at Lucinda’s thoughtfulness. Or perhaps it was Mom.
I open the door to the corridor with the bedrooms, opening the second door to the largest room. “Are you okay to share with me, or do you want your own room?” I ask as I tentatively set our weekend bag on the floor.
“I want to share with you,” she says, her eyes sweeping over the rustic room with the four-poster bed dressed in white and gold drapes with matching linens. “This room is pretty.” She skims her hand along the wall, smiling, looking relaxed and happy.
We take a dip in the indoor swimming pool and unwind in the Jacuzzi, our hands and bodies never far apart. I feel like pinching myself because this doesn’t feel real. It’s like I’ve woken up in dreamland, because I’ve always imagined this with Sel, and I honestly thought it was out of reach.
Back at the cabin, we enjoy a late lunch of cheese, crackers, and fruit before curling up on the couch, watching back-to-back movies. I order takeout for dinner, and we resume cuddling on the couch as I scroll through the movie options, trying to find something more manly than the last two cheesy chick flicks we just watched.
Selena sits up abruptly, turning around and sitting cross-legged, her pretty face scrunched up in concern.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, tossing the remote away and sitting up straight.
“Can we talk now?”
I examine the anxious expression on her face. “We don’t have to talk if it’s making you nervous.”
“I want to get this off my chest. And you deserve the truth.”
I switch the TV off and twist around on the couch so I’m facing her. “Okay.”
She draws a brave breath and begins.
16
Selena
“The summer before senior year,
I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t let my past control me anymore. That I was going to fight harder to claim the life I wanted. But with that decision came a hard realization.” I move closer, taking his hands in mine.
This will hurt, but I can’t lie.
“I hid behind you, Keanu,” I softly say. “You sheltered me. You were my protector. Always jumping into battle for me. I didn’t go anywhere or do anything without you, and I realized that I couldn’t move forward if I didn’t learn to do things for myself.”
“I would have given you all the space you needed,” he says.
“I know you would have, because you are selfless and you always did everything on my terms. But that was a problem too.”
His brows knit together, and I don’t blame him for being confused.
“Relationships are partnerships,” I say. “And it doesn’t work if one person is taking all the time and the other never gets anything in return.” And, by default, that reality always made me feel weak, which fueled more guilt and self-loathing.
He opens his mouth to protest again, but I silence him by placing a finger to his lips. “I know you want to respond to this, but, please, let me tell you my side first.”
I’m afraid I’ll lose my nerve if I don’t just get this out.
He nods, always so agreeable. Always trying to make things better for me. I don’t know how I got so lucky to find such an amazing guy, and this time, I’m determined to hold on to him.
“That’s how I felt. Like I leaned on you to do everything for me and that you gave of yourself when I gave you nothing back. And I love you so much I wanted more for you. I want to be your equal in every respect.” I take his hands in mine, steeling myself for this next revelation. “You were saving your virginity for me, and I wasn’t worthy, because I didn’t know if I could ever be intimate with you. I didn’t want to take that from you. You deserve a normal life. To go on dates without worrying about crowds or the possibility your girlfriend might have a meltdown in public. To have a normal sex life and not be afraid to touch your girlfriend for fear it might trigger something in her.”
“What you and I shared was our normal, and I was more than satisfied with that,” he says.
“But for how long, Keanu? How long would that have been enough? How long before the sexual frustration got to you and things became complicated?” I hold up my hand. “Those questions aren’t meant to be answered. Maybe, I was wrong. Maybe, it wouldn’t have come to that, but there was only one thing worse than imagining my life without you in it, and that was the possibility that my illness would tarnish the good years, mess up all the good memories I had of us together.”
I chew on the corner of my mouth. “But that was only one part of it. The other was my need to move forward. To get a handle on my issues and start dealing with them.” I slap a hand over my heart. “I knew I couldn’t do that if I was your girlfriend. I knew I would continue to lean on you instead of pushing through my fears, pushing myself out of my comfort zone, and I knew if I was to be truly worthy of you that I needed to make a clean break. To set you free. And I hoped that by the time I was the woman I knew I could be, that it wouldn’t be too late. That I would still own your heart in the way you have always owned mine.”
“It still belongs to you, Sel. No one else has ever owned a piece of my heart,” he confirms, moving closer to me.
“As mine still belongs to you.”
His eyes penetrate mine, and that intense connection between us simmers and pulses.
“It took months before I plucked up the courage to end things,” I continue. “I wanted to be completely truthful, but I knew if I told you these things that you’d never let me go. That you’d convince me we could do it together, so I lied. I told you I wasn’t into it anymore, and all the time, my heart was ripping to shreds in my chest.” I clasp his face in my palms. “It killed me pushing you away. I had a physical pain because it hurt so much. For the first couple of months, I picked up the phone to call you at least once a day. I regretted it as much as I knew it was the right thing to do. I was terrified I’d lost you forever, and I missed you.”
My voice breaks, and tears spill down my cheeks. “God, I missed you so much. It was like I was missing a limb. Like half my soul had disappeared. I didn’t feel whole. I felt empty. And in those early months, my anxiety increased and I suffered more panic attacks, but gradually, it started to fade. I worked out a program with Denise, and she gave me little tasks. Things I had to do that would force me to engage with the outside world. Say hello to my neighbor instead of ignoring his greeting like I usually did. Go shopping on my own for an hour. Visit a museum or a café alone.”
I rub circles on the back of his hand with my thumb. “It terrified me. I had the worst anxiety before I’d do each little task, but I did it, and I felt such a huge sense of achievement with each accomplishment. Denise insisted I reward myself for each milestone, so I give myself little treats. And we dug a new flowerbed in her garden, and for every task I achieved, I planted a new flower.” I smile proudly. “It’s almost overgrown now.”
Emotion swims in his eyes, and he holds my hands tighter.
“I built up to bigger things over the time we were apart, and now, I can go for a swim or attend a yoga class by myself. I travel to and from school by myself. I attend classes and go to the library. I still struggle to make friends. Engaging in small talk with strangers is hell, but I met Kelly, and we became instant best friends. We do lunch and go to the movies and go shopping. I’ve been to nightclubs and bars. Still not my favorite thing to do, but it doesn’t send me into a tailspin anymore. I do location shoots. I go to New York for shoots with Miranda. Mom usually comes with me, because I’m still not brave enough to travel there by myself, but it’s one of my next goals.”
“I’m so proud of you, Sel,” he says, “and I have noticed the changes. I love seeing you more confident in yourself. More independent.”
“Thank you. I’m proud of me too, but there is still more to do. I realize it’ll most likely always be something I have to deal with. That the fear and guilt will always linger. That I’ll have good days and bad days. But I’m confident I can handle it now in a way I couldn’t when we were dating. I needed to learn to stand on my own two feet instead of letting you fight all my battles. Does that make sense?”
“It does, but at the time, I was blindsided and heartbroken. I just focused on us. I thought I wasn’t good enough for you.” His eyes scream an apology as he admits this next truth. “That I wasn’t attractive enough in your eyes. I convinced myself that if I was hot enough you wouldn’t have been able to resist me.”
I hate that I caused him to have so much self-doubt. “Trust me, if you were any hotter, I’d spontaneously combust whenever I’m near you. You’re so gorgeous, Keanu, and I want you, never doubt that. You are perfect, inside and out. Every single part of who you are is attractive to me. Sometimes, the sensations were so intense they frightened me to pieces. I didn’t know how to process those feelings. My sexuality was, is, all tangled up. I’m trying to separate it now. To understand that what happened to me is completely different from sharing intimacy with the man I love.”
I lean in and kiss the corner of his mouth. “In case you’re still in doubt, that man is you.”
“I believe you, and I can’t believe I didn’t see it.”
“I didn’t want you to see it. I wanted you to believe the lie because I wasn’t strong enough if you tried to fight for me. I’m not proud of myself, and I hate that I hurt you, but we needed that time apart, Keanu. And not just for me. We both needed to grow and learn to live in a world without one another.”
He reels me into his lap. “Please tell me we’re done learning life lessons.” He nips gently at my earlobe.
“I will never be done learning,” I say, fighting a bout of delicious shivers. “But I’m done living in a world without you.”
With my heart pumping wildly, I turn around and straddle him, placing my ar
ms around his neck. “It was becoming increasingly difficult to stay away from you,” I admit. “But I wasn’t quite ready to come back to you. I was getting there, but events overtook me.”
“I’m not happy you’re in danger or that you’re scared,” he says, pressing wet kisses along the column of my neck. “But I’m thankful you came back to me. That we have this second chance. I understand now why you did what you did.” With gentle hands, he turns my head so we’re staring deep into one another’s eyes. “You said earlier you wanted to be my equal, and I want you to know you already are. Your illness does not make you any less in my eyes. We were a team, Selena. We are a team. In any relationship, there are times when one partner needs the other more. And that’s what a relationship is. Being there for one another. I see that with my brothers and their girls. Supporting one another at times of need is not a weakness. It’s what you do when you love someone as much as we love one another. Right now, you may need me more, but trust me, there will come a time when I’ll need to lean on you in the same way, and you will be there for me. Because you are my equal. In all the ways that count.”
“I truly don’t deserve you,” I say through my tears. “You are the most amazing man, and I feel blessed that you are giving me, us, another chance.”
“I’m not going to lie, Sel,” he says, tucking my hair back behind my ears. “I’ve gone through stages where I was so angry with you I believed I hated you. And I can’t say the hurt and anger have disappeared overnight because that kind of pain doesn’t just evaporate, but I want this with you. I want to share my life with you. And I accept that comes with good and bad times, but I’m ready to weather that storm with you.”
“I want that too, and I promise I will never push you away again or lie to you. I will always be honest and truthful.”
“You can’t make those kinds of decisions for me again, Sel. I need to be a part of it. I need to have a say. It’s the only way it will work, and I want this to work.” He kisses my cheek. “I want this to work so very much.” He kisses my other cheek, and a trail of fiery tingles whip up and down my body, igniting a fuse deep inside me.
Releasing Keanu Page 12
