Confused by Shadows

by Geonn Cannon

  "It's nice," Lance said.

  "Nice," Jodie scoffed. "Let me tell you something, Ms. Landry. Rebecca St. John may pay the bills on this bad boy, but it's a hundred percent mine in heart and soul. There's my blood and sweat in these gears, babe."

  Lance thought about her connection to the Mustang, a car she'd won and then been forced to fight for. She had drawn blood and had blood drawn for the right to drive away with it, and she knew the connection that could forge. She stepped forward and put her hand on the hood. "It's a beautiful car, Jodie."

  Jodie smiled. "One of these days I'll buy Rebecca out. The car will be completely mine. But until that day comes..." She sighed and drew the tarp back down over the hood. "Good night, baby. I'll see you in three weeks."

  "Three weeks?" Lance asked.

  "Yeah. I have a race." She looked up and said, "You could come. I mean, I didn't want to invite you unless—"

  "I'd love to," Lance said. "Just tell me when and where."

  They got back into the car and Jodie said, "All right, the restaurant. When you get out of the garage, hang a right."

  Lance nodded and looked through the back window. She looked at the aisles of cars on either side of her, and then said, "Right. How do I get out of the garage?"

  #

  The restaurant Jodie guided them to was called Pandora's Grill. It was low to the ground, spread out on either side as if reaching out to embrace patrons who entered the front door. The sidewalk leading up to the entrance was flanked by benches, two on each side, and tall urns for smokers to ditch their cigarettes before entering. Lance parked and Jodie checked her watch as they walked to the door. "Fifteen minutes before the reservation. Not too shabby."

  "If I had let you drive, we would have been here half an hour ago," Lance said.

  "More like forty-five minutes." Jodie winked. "You just wait until you see me really open a car up. You'll believe that a car can burst into flames."

  Jodie gave her name to the waitress, who plucked two menus from a slot on her podium and guided them through the crowded restaurant to an empty booth at the back. She took their drink orders and vanished into the crowd. Jodie sipped the glass of ice water that was already in place and said, "I'm really glad you agreed to come out with me tonight. I hate eating alone, and the thought of sitting in my apartment moping about Tania is...not appealing."

  "I won't tell Danica you said that," Lance said as she scanned the menu.

  Jodie smiled. She leaned back against the seat, the leather complaining as her hips moved against it. "Little tip. If you want your steak medium well, order it rare. If you want it rare...well, tell them to skip the stove all together. It's the only thing I don't like about this place. They overcook everything. I mean, everything. But once you figure out the code, it's amazing."

  Their waitress returned with the complimentary bread rolls and took their orders. They each ordered house salads to begin with, and medium-well steaks, baked potatoes with all the fixings for the main course.

  When they were alone again, Jodie said, "Listen, just to get it out in the open with all the kidding aside, this isn't a date. I shouldn't have said all those things back at the garage. I was just trying to stick it to Daphne and probably ended up causing you a lot of confusion instead."

  "It's fine," Lance said, but she was glad to have the situation finally clarified.

  "I don't want you to think I'm just latching on to you because of the whole Tania shit. You're not my rebound fling. You're someone I happen to like hanging out with."

  Lance smiled. "So tonight is kind of like a lease with an option to buy."

  Jodie laughed. "Exactly. Tonight doesn't have to go anywhere, but if it does, well, hey. Worse things have happened."

  "I can think of one or two things off the top of my head."

  They tapped glasses and Lance took a long drink. God help me, I'm flirting. Elaine, if you could see me now, you'd... She coughed on an ice cube at the thought.

  "Are you okay?"

  Lance nodded and took a smaller sip of water. "Sorry. Just got caught off-guard by something." She waved a vague finger around her head. "My thoughts sometimes sneak up on me."

  "Happens to the best of us. Even happens to me."

  "I'll try to keep them under control from now on."

  "Well, that's no fun," Jodie said. "Maybe I can help distract you from them. Tell me about yourself. I don't know anything about you before you showed up in the garage a couple of days ago. Where did you come from?"

  Lance realized she hadn't come up with a suitable back story for Carmen. "Fell from the sky. Landed in the Atlas Garage."

  Jodie scoffed. "Dull."

  "Okay, Ms. Excitement. What's your story?"

  "No, my story has too many long tangents to get into right now. Maybe over dessert. Come on, give me something. Anything. Parents? Siblings?"

  Lance looked down at the bread roll she had unconsciously been tearing apart. Truth or a lie? She finally decided that telling Jodie about her childhood couldn't lead to the police knocking down her apartment door. "My father died when I was six. I only really remember a very strong smell of cigarettes. No face, no anything, really. Just cigarettes. Mom was young, but she was tough. She took care of me and got a job as a cop."

  "Go Momma," Jodie said.

  Lance nodded. "Worked her way up the boys' club crap ladder, ended up chief of police. First woman in the town's history, still the only woman to hold the job for more than a year."

  "Wow. Double go, Momma. Sounds like a tough lady. So why didn't you follow in her footsteps? Go the cop route?"

  Lance hesitated. The truth was she had followed her mother's career path. Or at least tried to. "You know that saying. Man plans, God laughs. It's kind of a long story itself. Kind of a bummer."

  "I understand," Jodie said. "Forget I asked. Okay, so, I had my turn. What's your question?"

  "How long have you been racing?"

  "Depends what you mean. Real racing, with money and prizes and all that, only about five years. But I've been racing old trucks on dirt roads since I was old enough to reach the pedals. I just love the speed. The thrill of it."

  "I can understand that," Lance said. There were moments on the road, although they were becoming fewer and farther between lately, when she could forget why she was on the road and just enjoy the feel of asphalt passing under her tires.

  Jodie rested her chin in the palm of her hand and looked at Lance. Lance, forced to speak or return the stare, decided to admire Jodie's amazing eyes. Green ringed with blue. It was an amazing sight. The green, rather than taking away from the blue, made the outer color pop. They were possibly the bluest eyes she had ever seen. Jodie didn't seem to mind the examination, was probably used to it, but she turned away when the waitress arrived with their food.

  Jodie drowned her steak with A-1 and offered the bottle to Lance. "I gotta admit, I could get used to this," she said, sucking a bit of sauce from her index finger. "Dinners with Tania were just aimlessly recounting her days at work. Like being a cop was the be-all and end-all of the world, you know? Once she lost her job, it became all about how she was being fucked over, how screwed up the system was, how..." She blinked and looked up. "Shit. I've turned into Tania."

  Lance laughed. "I doubt you're as bad as she was."

  "Well, she complained about the police department, I'm ranting about her. I'm putting an end to it before you run off into the night. No more talking about Tania. Maybe we can talk about one of your ill-advised love affairs."

  "That would be a short conversation," Lance said. "I've only really had one real relationship."

  "You're full of shit."

  Lance was too shocked by this blunt declaration to be offended. She laughed around a mouthful of steak, swallowed, and said, "I suck at relationships. God's honest truth. If I was attracted to someone, I always waited too long to say something. Then they either left, or got into a relationship, or my infatuation ended."

  "You're talking li
ke romance is all in the past. You're single, aren't you? Otherwise my entire seduction plan just looks tasteless."

  "I'm..." Lance didn't know how to finish. She still considered herself Elaine's partner. She never thought about it in those terms, but that was the long and short of it. The reason she was never tempted to be with a woman was because a part of her mind would consider that cheating on Elaine. "No, I'm not with anyone."

  "You know what sells it?" Jodie said. "That nice, long pause. Come on, spill."

  Lance smiled weakly. "I had a relationship. A great relationship. She died."

  Jodie's playful demeanor disappeared like low tide washing off the beach. "I am so sorry. I shouldn't have, you must think I'm... God. Carmen, I'm sorry."

  "No," Lance said. "It's fine. You didn't know."

  "What fun dinner conversation," Jodie said flatly. She pointed at the plate and said, "Why don't we just eat for a little while and leave conversations for later?"

  "Sounds like a plan to me."

  Jodie picked up her glass and said, "To painful memories. And the people they inadvertently turn us into."

  Lance felt a pang in her chest. "I'll drink to that." She rang the edge of her glass against Jodie's with a quiet chime.

  #

  Lance stopped in front of Jodie's apartment just after eleven. There was an open spot right in front of the doors, and Jodie said, "Oh, come on. You have to come upstairs just so you can park there. The gods of parking are smiling on you."

  Lance hesitated, but slipped the car into the spot. "Do you always invite women up to your apartment on the first date?"

  "Not me," Jodie said. "The parking spot. We are powerless against that kind of sign."

  Lance parked and followed Jodie into the lobby. Jodie pressed the call button for the elevator and said, "I had a really nice time tonight. Try not to screw up the after dinner conversation, all right?"

  "I'll do my best."

  Jodie smiled and stepped into the elevator. "Seriously. Most of the people Daphne hires on are there and then gone before I even have a chance to learn their names. The ones I do get a chance to know are usually psychos or idiots. Or Republicans."

  "I think you're being redundant."

  Jodie laughed. "Seriously, though. I'm really glad I didn't let all those experiences sour me. You're all right, Carmen. I'm going to enjoy working with you."

  Lance looked at her feet. Carmen. No matter how Jodie feels, she feels that way about Carmen Landry, not Claire Lance. She had let herself forget that over the course of dinner. "I've been on the road for a long time. I stopped here because I was kind of hoping to make a fresh start. Put down some roots, stay awhile. Maybe stay long enough to watch a season change."

  "Washington is a good place for that. We have three here; rain, perfect, and snow."

  "Perfect? Is that a season?"

  "It is in this part of the country. About ten months out of the year."

  They left the elevator and Jodie held up a hand to stop Lance at the apartment door. "Hold on a second." She unlocked the door, turned on the light, and slipped inside. Lance waited in the hallway for about two minutes before Jodie returned. She had taken off the red blouse, leaving her arms bare. The black tank top hugged her body and Lance was hard-pressed to look into her eyes when she spoke. "Okay. All clear."

  Lance stepped into the apartment. "Danica didn't have any tomcats over while you were gone, did she?"

  "Not this time," Jodie said. "You want a beer?"

  "Sure."

  Jodie pointed to a narrow set of curtains next to the entertainment center. "Go through there. I'll bring the drinks out."

  Lance crossed the living room and pushed the curtain aside to reveal a glass door. She opened it, stepped onto the balcony, and lost her breath. The painted mountains she was so used to admiring on her lunch breaks had been stolen, painted onto a velvet backdrop. The buildings gathered at her feet gave off a gentle light, stage lights for nature's master opus. Jodie stepped out onto the balcony and handed Lance a beer. "Impressive, huh?"

  "Impressive?" Lance said. "I have no idea why you own a TV. Or chairs inside your apartment."

  Jodie smiled. "Yeah. I like to tell people that my favorite part of my apartment is an eight by six slab of concrete." She gestured to the corner and Lance saw a pair of lawn chairs pressed against the wall. She unfolded them and took a seat. Jodie put her feet up on the railing—she had taken off her shoes at some point and her toes were bare, curled against the cool breeze—and leaned back.

  Music was coming from inside, too low for Lance to identify the artist, but it was something slow, soothing, quiet. Intimate. She ran her thumb over the lip of her bottle and licked the moisture off. "It's a shame this isn't a date," she said.

  "Oh, yeah?"

  "Yeah. This would be a good date ending."

  "I'll keep that in mind."

  Lance settled into the chair and looked at Jodie's bare feet. They were silent for a long time, Lance staring at the mountains and Jodie focused on her own toes. After a while, Jodie said, "My father killed my brother."

  Lance went cold and looked at her, wondering if there was some way this was a joke she had missed entirely. "I'm sorry, what?"

  Jodie looked out at her neighbors. "When I was fifteen. My brother was screwing up all the time. Dad got sick of it and they had a fight on the lawn. I tried to cover my ears in my bedroom, but they were so loud. My brother tried to walk away, Dad tripped him. Jeremy went down, hit his head on the driveway. Never got up again."

  She took a drink from her bottle and turned to put it on the ground. When she brought her hand up, Lance saw her brush at her eyes before turning to face forward again. "I was planning to come out of the closet on my sixteenth birthday. But after seeing that, there was no way I could do it. I knew he would kill me, too. So instead, the day after my birthday, I got in my brand new car and I drove away. As far and as fast as I could. Hundred miles an hour. It's been eleven years and no matter how hard it's gotten, I never regretted it once."

  Lance was quiet for a long time, mainly to make sure Jodie was done with the story. She held out her bottle and said, "To painful memories."

  "Amen," Jodie said. She picked up her bottle and tapped the necks together.

  They sat quietly for a long time, Lance listening to the barely-audible music from inside. Lance blinked as she realized the timetable in the story. "Wait a minute. Eleven years?"

  "Mm-hmm."

  "That would make you twenty-seven years old."

  "Twenty-eight in November. Why, how old are you?"

  Lance shook her head. "Older than that."

  "Age doesn't mean anything, really," Jodie said. "Unless you're forty-five or something. Fifty? Can't be more than two or three years over fifty. Or—"

  "Thirty-six," Lance said. Anything to keep Jodie from guessing any higher.

  Jodie smiled. "Nine years. Not even that. You're like my contemporary. You're Tania's age, in fact."

  "Ah, am I sensing a pattern?"

  "Fast cars and older women," Jodie said. She nodded and took a sip of her drink. "I make no apologies for what I like."

  Lance shook her head. "No reason you should. Except for the fact that, ten years ago, I could be arrested for some of the thoughts I've had about you."

  "You've had thoughts about me?"

  Lance tensed and looked out at the scenery. "Let's not talk about this any more."

  Jodie laughed. "You don't have to be uncomfortable. We're just two grown women talking about sexual attraction."

  "One grown woman, one barely grown."

  Jodie swung her leg over and kicked Lance's calf. "All right. We don't have to talk. We can just sit here and enjoy the view."

  "That I can do," Lance said.

  The city stretched out at their feet, the glow of streetlights fading enough so they could make out a host of stars behind a thin veil of blue gray clouds. A waxing crescent moon was high over their heads, a white-gold sliver like the sail of
a ship running along an inverted sky. Lance watched it move from ahead of her to behind her, and she realized they'd been sitting outside for a very long time. She straightened in her chair. "I should..."

  Jodie was asleep. She had slumped down in her chair, hands folded around the empty beer bottle in her lap, her chin resting on her chest.

  Lance hesitated, unsure what to do. Jodie looked absolutely peaceful, and she didn't want to disturb her. Unfortunately, she couldn't decide if she would be more uncomfortable staying the night uninvited, or leaving without saying goodbye. While she debated, she watched Jodie sleep. Dark hair fell over her closed eyes, and every now and then her chest rose with a particularly deep breath.

  Once or twice, she shifted in her seat, wrapping her arms tighter around herself against the cold. It wasn't even September, but fall was sweeping down from the mountains a little early, it seemed. Lance stood up and went back into the apartment. Danica tracked Lance's progress through the living room, either making sure she didn't steal anything or waiting to see if she had any treats. Lance took the blanket off the back of the couch, shook the cat hair off, and carried it back out to the balcony. She gently covered Jodie with it and tucked the ends under her shoulders. She made sure it was long enough to cover Jodie's feet and smoothed it down.

  Lance stood over Jodie for a long moment, watching her sleep. Not since Elaine had she ever felt so drawn to a woman. She'd slept with Gwen, but that was hormones and adrenaline. But with Jodie, there was something that just appealed to her. Damned if she could tell what it was. She was so young. But she was absolutely unapologetic in everything she did and said. She was who she was, and damn anyone who tried to tell her that wasn't good enough. Just like Elaine.

  Jodie licked her lips and shifted in her seat, her eyes moving under their lids, caught in a dream. Lance was amazed Jodie would feel comfortable enough to just fall asleep so easily.