To Hold Forever

by Carrie Carr

  "Hold your horses. One question at a time." Lex placed the bags in the middle of the desk. "Your pumpkins, ma'am." She stood by in amusement while Amanda took them out of the sacks and sorted them.

  "These are great. Did you find a big one to carve?"

  "Huh?" Lex thought the one on the far left was more than adequate. It was six inches in diameter. "What about that one?"

  The pumpkin was a nice shape and a perfect shade of orange.

  Amanda hefted it in one hand. "It's perfect for Lorrie to take to school. They're going to decorate their own jack-o-lanterns."

  "You've got to be kidding me. A roomful of three-year-olds carrying around carving tools? Have they lost their mind?"

  Amanda placed the pumpkin on the desk. Sometimes Lex could be so literal. "I don't think their insurance could handle that, honey. No, they use markers and draw on them. It's still messy, but much safer."

  Lex dropped into one of the visitor's chairs. "That's a relief." She stretched her legs out and crossed them at the ankles. Her hands were loosely clasped together on her stomach. "Speaking of Halloween, has Lorrie made up her mind what she wants to dress up as?"

  "We've narrowed it down to three things: a princess, a ballerina, or a cow."

  "A ballerina? Where did that come from?"

  Why wasn't she surprised? It didn't seem to faze her partner that their daughter was considering dressing up like a farm animal. Amanda wondered what a young Lex would have wanted to go as. "It's not my fault your daughter has a cow fetish."

  "Hey, wait a minute. Now she's my daughter? And it's not a fetish. More like a--" Lex had to think about it. "A deep appreciation. Yeah." She looked extremely pleased with herself.

  "Appreciation? Lex, her first word was 'moo'. And you're the one who got her so enamored of our bovine friends."

  Lex studied her boots. She did have a point. But it was so much fun to tweak Amanda. It couldn't hurt to goad her a little more, could it? "Do you think we could find her a costume with little ears and maybe a tail?"

  "Oh, no. My daughter isn't going out dressed like Elsie the Cow." She couldn't believe this. Had Lex completely lost her mind? "What else? Udders?"

  "Now she's yours? Make up your mind, sweetheart." Lex appeared to think. "Hmm. You know, little udders would be cute. She could carry a milk bucket instead of a trick-or-treat bag."

  Amanda had heard enough. "I don't think so." She walked around the desk and sat on Lex's lap, facing her. "Are you trying to say you want Lorrie to go out looking like a farm animal?"

  Lex pursed her lips to keep from laughing in Amanda's face. "She won't have hooves, but some shiny black shoes and black mittens would work."

  Amanda playfully grabbed her shirt front and tugged her close. "There's no way in hell that'll ever happen. Our little girl will be dressed in something more traditional. I think she'd look cute as a ballerina or a princess. And you'll be the one to help her pick it out."

  A slow smile formed on Lex's face. "Moo." She burst into laughter when Amanda released her grip and goosed her instead. "Wait, wait."

  Her lover hit a ticklish spot below her ribs and Lex jerked in response. She had to grab Amanda around the waist to keep her from falling.

  "Oops." Amanda decided Lex needed to be rewarded, so she gave her a quick peck on the lips.

  "Is that the best you can do?"

  It sounded like a challenge. And Amanda never backed down from one of those. She raised her arms and locked her hands together behind Lex's neck. Her lips touched Lex's again, this time prolonging the contact.

  "Amanda, I've got those-- oh." Wanda stood at the door, her face flushed with embarrassment. "Don't you two ever get enough?"

  Lex broke the kiss and turned to Wanda. "Jealous?"

  "Heck, yeah. Dirk's idea of romance is to only watch one football game on Sunday so we can eat dinner together." She rested against the edge of Amanda's desk. "And that's the dinner that I cook." She quirked an eyebrow at her boss. "Would you like to rent her out?"

  Amanda reluctantly scooted off her lover's lap. "How much are you offering?"

  "Hey!" Lex sat taller in her chair. "Don't I have some say in this?"

  "Nope." Amanda decided that paybacks were sweet. Lex should have never teased her about Lorrie's Halloween outfit.

  "Uh-uh." Wanda handed a file to Amanda. "Maybe we should make it an even trade. Dirk's housebroken. Does she snore?"

  Lex couldn't believe what she was hearing. They were bartering back and forth about her. "Now wait a damned minute--"

  Both Wanda and Amanda burst into laughter. Amanda was the first to recover. "Don't worry. I would never give you up."

  "That's more like it." Lex resumed her earlier position with her legs stretched out in front of her.

  "I don't blame you. It takes a while to get them trained." Wanda lightly popped Lex on the head. "Don't forget to bring Lorrie over on Halloween. Dirk's looking forward to seeing her all decked out. We've decided to let Ally go as a witch. She fell in love with the makeup we saw at the store." Allison was their daughter, who was only a few days older than Lorrie and in her class at day care. The two girls got along well. Sometimes too well. They were constantly getting each other into trouble. Actually, Lorrie instigated and Ally followed. Wanda feared for the day the two started school.

  Amanda dropped the file onto her desk. "Don't worry, we'll be there." She waited until Wanda closed the door behind her before she leaned against her desk and crossed her arms over her chest. "Now, where were we?"

  Lex patted her lap. "Here?"

  "No, before that. I believe we were deciding between a princess and a ballerina."

  Neither choice appealed to Lex. "How about after we pick her up at school, we take her shopping? We can decide then." Maybe if she went with them they wouldn't get too carried away. She dreaded all the frills and such that either costume would entail.

  "All right." Amanda pointed her finger at Lex. "But no whining." Before Lex opened her mouth, she added, "and no animals, either."

  Lex personally thought Lorrie would look cute as a little heifer, or puppy. Her big expressive eyes would be perfect. She'd have to see what she could talk their child into. "Whatever you say, sweetheart."

  THE DISCOUNT STORE had not been ready for Lex and Lorrie shopping together. Amanda seriously considered killing her partner after Lex tried to get Lorrie to pick out a ninja costume. It was hard to say no when both of them looked at her with the same hang dog expression. "For the last time, no. Lorrie, you don't even know what a ninja is." She got extremely nervous when Lex squatted and whispered something into the child's ear. "Lex--"

  Lex hung up the black costume and took another down from a hook. "Okay, then how about this?"

  A brightly colored vest, fluffy shirt, brown pants and--a sword? "Oh, no way. We're not giving her a weapon."

  "But it's plastic." Lex showed the outfit to Lorrie. "What do you think, lil' bit?"

  Lorrie eyed the costume dubiously. She zeroed in on the attached saber. "Yay!"

  Amanda closed her eyes and raised her face upward. "Give me strength." She glared at Lex, who did her best to appear innocent. "No."

  "But--"

  "No." Before Lex could utter another word, Amanda put one hand on her hip and held her hand up. "Forget it. I know you're only doing this to get me for this morning." She recognized the embarrassed look on Lex's face that meant she knew she was caught. "Go to the front of the store and sit in the coffee shop. We'll come and get you when we're through."

  "But--"

  "Go." Amanda hated to be the bad guy, but she was tired of shopping. Her feet hurt, her back ached and she had developed the headache from hell. Banning Lex was the only way she'd ever get done. "All right, Lorrie. Let's look around and see what we can find."

  HALLOWEEN EVENING HAD arrived and Lex was anxious to see her daughter's costume. Amanda refused to let her know what it was, and even Lorrie had been able to keep it a secret. So here she was, sitting in the living room an
d waiting impatiently for them to come downstairs. They had quite a few houses lined up. Both of their families, the women from Sunflower Realty and many of the people they knew from the historical society and women's auxiliary had extended invitations. Lex was afraid they wouldn't get home until midnight if they went to every house.

  Amanda stood in the doorway. "Close your eyes."

  "What?"

  "Close your eyes. Lorrie wants to make an entrance. On second thought, cover them up." Amanda mimed putting her hands over her eyes. "Come on, hurry up."

  "Good grief." Even though she thought it was unnecessary, Lex did as she was told. She heard heavy footsteps come in and stop right in front of her. It was hard to keep from peeking. Lex could hear Amanda speaking to Lorrie quietly, although she couldn't make out her words. She heard Lorrie giggle, which made her even more curious. "Well?"

  "Almost," Amanda promised.

  More giggles and what sounded like a small foot stomp. "Now?"

  "Otay. Momma, look."

  Lex removed her hands. She couldn't believe her eyes. Their daughter stood proudly next to Amanda, who looked extremely smug. "Whoa. And who are you supposed to be?"

  Lorrie slapped her own legs in frustration. "You, Momma."

  It didn't take a genius to figure out Lorrie's "costume". She wore new jeans, black cowboy boots, a matching belt, and a light blue shirt. On top of her head sat a crisp, new, black cowboy hat and to set the outfit off, a lightweight brown duster. Lex lost her voice for a long moment. She was in total shock. "You look great, kiddo. Where did the coat come from? I know they don't make them that small."

  "Martha whipped it up. It's more for show than protection from the cold, but she couldn't resist." Amanda plopped down on Lex's lap and put one arm around her neck. "Cute, isn't she?"

  "And then some. Come here, lil' bit." Lex grunted when Lorrie climbed onto Amanda. "I guess I'm furniture now."

  Lorrie took off her hat and put it on her momma's head. "Yep. We go pway?"

  Lex placed the hat on her daughter's head. At least now she understood why Amanda was so adamant she wear new jeans and her pale blue shirt. "This was a great surprise, sweetheart." She noticed her wife wasn't wearing anything special. "Where's your costume?"

  "I'm wearing it."

  "And what are you supposed to be? A mom?" Lex tugged at the soft cotton leggings, topped off by one of her old sweatshirts.

  "Nope. A pregnant mom." No matter how many times she said it, the word still felt surreal to her. She gave her thanks every day for the gift and couldn't wait to bring their new child into the world. Amanda jumped when she felt a pinch to her bottom. "Watch it."

  "Actually, that's one of my favorite pastimes, watching it." Lex ran her hand over Amanda's rear and squeezed it. "And I'd love to show you how much, but I think we promised a certain little girl she could go harass the town for goodies."

  Lorrie bounced on Amanda's lap. "Yay! We go now." She slid off and stood in the middle of the living room floor. When they didn't move, she tried again. "Go." Her lower lip stuck out when her moms ignored her and started kissing each other, instead. "Go, pease?" She considered stomping her new boots on the floor, but knew it wouldn't do any good. "Mommy? Momma?"

  Amanda turned and looked at mini-Lex. "All right, honey. We'll go." She stood and helped Lex off the couch. She brushed her fingertip across her partner's lips. "And we'll finish this conversation later."

  "I'm looking forward to it." Lex followed them out of the room, wondering how long a three-year-old hopped up on candy would stay awake. Longer than her, she imagined. It was going to be a long night.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  THINGS WERE GOING smoothly. Amanda was relieved that her morning sickness had disappeared. Now in her fourth month, she was feeling much better. Lex also settled down into a routine. On the weekend she would take Lorrie for the morning and the two of them would spend several hours together. It gave Amanda much-needed quiet time. They would be gone until lunch, then Lorrie would take a nap with Amanda while Lex spent the rest of the day with the hired hands.

  Amanda closed the bookkeeping program on the computer screen. When their friend Janna moved to Wisconsin to take care of her mother, Amanda took over the books for the ranch. Thanks to the program the accountant had made for them, it was a quick and easy job. It only took her an hour a day, then she was free to surf the Web.

  One quick click and she was on the Internet. Amanda opened the folder she had her favorite pages saved in. Another click and she was on her most-visited site. "This is so cool." The page covered the stages of pregnancy and how the fetus developed.

  She read for well over an hour. When she found a page that was particularly fascinating, she decided to print it and share with Lex. She wasn't the only one interested in the topic. Sometimes late at night, Amanda would wake, only to find Lex downstairs on the computer.

  The printer spit out three pages and stopped. It was out of paper, so Amanda opened the desk drawer to get more. On top of the package was a thick envelope addressed to Charlie from a law enforcement academy in Houston. "What is this doing here?" She was torn between satisfying her curiosity and leaving the packet alone.

  Amanda used unbelievable restraint and bypassed the envelope for the printer paper. She finished printing her pages and closed the session. But the bottom desk drawer haunted her. There was no reason Lex should have something of Charlie's in her office. "Maybe it got mixed in with her mail and she forgot to give it to him." She opened the drawer and stared at the envelope. Her traitorous hands took the packet out of the drawer and placed it on top of the desk. One end was sliced open neatly. Someone had obviously already seen inside. Was it Lex, or Charlie?

  Her curiosity got the better of her. Amanda slipped the contents out carefully. The top sheet was a form letter addressed to Charlie at the Sheriff's Department. Amanda's confusion grew when she read the letter. It thanked him for his inquiry, and told of the next testing date for the Academy. "What the hell?" She continued to read then scanned the following pages. There was an application, a long form to fill out for a background check and a map to the testing facility in Houston. "This isn't for Charlie. He must have gotten it for Lex."

  The thought of Lex wanting to do something so life altering, without discussing it with her, hurt Amanda's feelings. She had no idea Lex wanted to do such a thing. She had never mentioned it. "Why would she keep something like this from me?"

  "What's up?" Lex stood in the doorway with Lorrie sitting on her shoulders.

  "Hi, Mommy. We rode 'ossie's." Lorrie bounced as she talked. "We go fast."

  Amanda gathered the papers and placed them in the envelope. "You did?"

  "Yep." Lorrie swatted Lex on the top of her head. "Down, pease."

  They had been working hard on her manners. She caught on quickly, although there were still times she stubbornly refused. Amanda called them her "momma" moments. Lex didn't find it as amusing.

  Lex carefully lifted Lorrie over her head and stood her on the floor. "There you go." She sat on the edge of the desk. "What do you have there?"

  "That's what I'd like to know." Amanda turned the packet around so Lex could see it more clearly. "I was looking for printer paper and accidentally ran across this." While Lex picked it up, Amanda helped Lorrie up into her lap. She automatically put a piece of paper and a pencil on the desk. Lorrie began to draw, unaware of the drama unfolding.

  "I'd forgotten all about this." Lex tossed the envelope in the box reserved for incoming mail.

  Amanda's hurt expression conveyed more than words. She took the papers and placed them in the desk drawer. "When were you going to tell me about it? After you filled it out and mailed it in?"

  "No, of course not. It was something I talked about with Charlie months ago. He gave it to me right after I got out of the hospital and I put it away. I wasn't hiding it from you." Lex walked around the desk and knelt next to Amanda's chair. She put her hand on her lover's leg. "I would never consider som
ething like that without talking to you." She felt a wave of relief pour over her when Amanda took her hand in her own. "Before you got pregnant, I guess I was going through some sort of mid-life crisis or something. I honestly thought I couldn't be happy ranching anymore."

  Amanda remembered all too well how Lex acted then. She only went through the motions of her daily life and nothing seemed to interest her. Amanda chalked it up to being overworked. The thought of Lex going through that all alone tore at her heart. "Why didn't you talk to me? I would have done anything in the world to help."

  Lex lowered her gaze and concentrated on their linked hands. "There wasn't anything you could have done, sweetheart. For the longest time, I had no idea what was wrong. Then when I did know, I was at a loss as to what to do." She raised her head. "And leaving the ranch wasn't an option."

  "Why not?"

  "I know how much you love it here. I could never take you from all this. I even thought for a while that Lorrie would be better off living in town." Her heart skipped a beat when Amanda took her hand away.

  "That would be a mistake. This ranch is her home." Amanda skimmed her fingers through Lex's hair. "And ours. Don't get me wrong. I'll follow you wherever you want to go. But don't think for a minute we're not happy living here."

  The touch was soothing and Lex began to relax. Her eyes closed. "I realize that now."

  "Good." Amanda pulled on her hair hard enough to get her attention. "Don't you ever suffer through anything like that alone, got me?"

  Lex opened her eyes and was relieved to see understanding and love looking at her. "Yes, ma'am."

  Amanda stood, bringing Lorrie up with her. "It's time for lunch, isn't it?"

  "Yep." Lorrie dropped her pencil on the desk. She slid out of Amanda's arms and took off for the kitchen.

  Neither of them remembered moving, but soon Lex and Amanda were in each other's arms. Their lips met and they spent a quiet moment reconnecting. They would talk about the packet later.

  LATER THAT SAME evening, the house was quiet and Lorrie was tucked into bed, sound asleep. Amanda and Lex were snuggled together in bed. Amanda sat against the headboard, with her partner stretched across the bed and her head pillowed in her lap. They hadn't said much to each other, both lost in their own thoughts.