Tess walked the streets of Boulder aimlessly and thought about what would come next. It was like her mooring lines had been cut, and she drifted, seemingly at the whims of fate. She worried about whether Gabe would fight her for more money. Tess swallowed down the dread of losing part of her business, and instead berated herself for not working on her current book. She had brought her laptop. Without the distractions that surrounded her at home with everything she had to do, this would be a perfect time for her to edit her manuscript and send it off to her editor, easily making the deadline that loomed at the end of the month. She should go back to the hotel. Instead, Tess continued to listlessly walk the streets, pausing to people-watch.
A busy boulevard, Boulder’s main street was blocked off for foot traffic only, and even though it was the middle of the week, the cobblestone street teemed with groups of moms pushing their baby carriages and drinking much-needed coffee, hungover college students executing the dreaded walk of shame, and a happy couple tugging each other to watch a street performer sing a song while strumming a faded ukulele.
You wasted my sweet time… do you think that’s all right?
Had she given Gabe the best years of her life? Tess stopped in front of a jewelry store, her eyes drawn by all the fancy wedding rings in the window, promises of love and forever-after sparkling in the sunshine that beamed through the clouds. Tess glanced down to her bare hand, missing the weight of her rings but knowing now that a ring was an empty symbol if the person giving it knew nothing of promises. Despite herself, Tess was drawn inside, quietly walking past the glass cases, peering into each to see the delights they held. The shop was funky, much like Boulder itself, and offered much more than the standard jewelry. There seemed to be mix of vintage and new, with fresh designs that had a playfulness and whimsy that Tess found endearing.
“Looking for something for someone special?” A young woman, fresh-faced and looking like she had the world ahead of her, smiled easily at Tess from across the counter.
“Oh, no, I was just…” Tess trailed off and thought about it for a moment. She was someone special, wasn’t she? Glancing down at her bare hand again, she met the woman’s sparkling eyes. “Actually, yes, I am. I’m someone special.”
“Perfect, what are you thinking you’d like to treat yourself to?”
“Well –” Tess looked at the woman’s name tag – “Stephanie, I just kicked my cheating husband out and I want to buy myself a ring that I can wear, knowing full well that I’ll keep the promises I make to myself.”
“Ohhh, perfect. I’ve got just the designer,” Stephanie gushed, not batting an eye at the “cheating husband” part. She led Tess to a case filled with rings that were both eclectic and delicate, and made Tess smile.
“This designer is quite new, but I love her use of negative space and the touch of fun she adds to her designs,” Stephanie said, sliding a tray out. “These are all gold and have varying levels of diamonds in each of them, depending on how blingy you’re looking to go.”
“Just something simple. The bling isn’t what I’m looking for, so much as a symbol to myself,” Tess murmured, trailing her fingers over the rings.
“What do you want to promise yourself?”
“To trust my instincts, listen to my voice, and to never let someone treat me like less than a queen.” Tess laughed at the last part, knowing full well she didn’t need to be treated like a queen – she just wanted some damn mutual respect.
“This one.” Stephanie pounced, and handed Tess a delicate ring. “See how it has hints of a crown in the design?”
The ring, a slim gold band leading to a triangle of circles inlaid with two small diamonds, hit all the right notes. Tess smiled as she held it up to the light.
“This is lovely.”
“Which finger will you wear it on?”
“The middle finger,” Tess said automatically, smiling. “So when I flip Gabe off it will have a touch of sparkle to it.”
“Classy,” Stephanie laughed. Tess tried to slide the ring on her finger, but found it just a bit too tight. “Our jeweler is here today. He can resize it for you if you’d like to go get some lunch? I can even deliver it to you once it’s done.”
“Really? Can you leave here?” Tess asked, not seeing another salesperson in the store.
“Sure, I’ll come over on my lunch break. Where will you be?” Stephanie helped Tess choose a restaurant, rang up her total, and before Tess knew it, she was sitting at an outside table, sipping on a cocktail, and watching the world go by. She felt suspended in time. No forward movement, no backward movement. Waiting. Waiting for what came next, not sure where to go, uncertain how to navigate these waters. Is this why people stayed in bad marriages, Tess wondered as she took another sip of her cocktail, better the devil you knew and all that?
She couldn’t remember the last time she’d just sat at a table and done nothing. It had probably been years since she’d eaten alone without her phone, except for writing in coffee shops on her laptop. Instead, Tess sat, watching the passersby, and tried to give herself a pep talk.
It’s not a big deal to eat alone, Tess told herself. This doesn’t mean you’ll eat alone forever. No, you haven’t given Gabe the best years of your life; you’re still young and lucky to have your health. Yes, you can move forward and work from anywhere, you’re lucky to have a job where you can support yourself. Tess looped these thoughts around in her head, willing herself away from a pity party, reminding herself over and over how lucky she was to be able to make the decisions she could.
But in reality, she was hurt and sad.
Before the tears could well up, Tess saw Stephanie prancing down the street, a small silver and purple bag in her hand, and waved to her.
“Hi, Stephanie,” Tess said, blinking back the sheen of tears in her eyes.
“Here you go, all sized and ready for you to wear,” Stephanie said brightly, and reached out to squeeze Tess’s shoulder. “Good luck with everything. I’ll always smile thinking about you giving the haters a ‘fuck you’ with our pretty ring on your finger. Don’t let ’em get ya down, Tess.”
And off Stephanie went, as carefree as only people in their early twenties can be, before the world had scarred them too much, her walk bouncy as she waved at a friend across the street.
“I want to be like that again,” Tess said, and slid the bag open to find her ring box, prettily wrapped in silver. She smiled. “Correction: I will be like that again.”
Sliding the ring on her middle finger, Tess beamed down at it, delighted with her purchase. She held her middle finger up just as the waitress came with her food.
“Whoops, sorry – that wasn’t for you.”
“No worries, honey. There’s more than one person I’d flip off if I had the choice.”
Tess laughed, this time feeling a knot of pain loosen a bit in her stomach, and settled back to enjoy her lunch. Holding her middle finger up again, she made a mental ‘fuck off’ gesture to her old life. If she had to start over, there were far worse places than lovely Colorado to do so.
Chapter Eleven
“Are you running away, or are you starting over?” Tess’s therapist, one who had known Tess for years and had helped her through the grief of losing her parents, settled back into her chair and studied Tess from behind yellow-framed glasses.
“Both? It depends. Are you talking about my trips or the move to Colorado?” Tess asked, pulling a pillow on her lap to hug it, an old pattern of comfort for her.
“Well, let’s talk about your trips. You’ve always loved to travel, but that changed a bit when Gabe came along. What happened there?”
“I mean, I think we both know a lot of the traveling I did when I was younger was a combination of wanting to see as much of the world as I could before I died, as well as just running away from dealing with the death of my parents.”
“You were shown, very closely, that time is our greatest gift, and you chose to use yours to explore the world.” Her thera
pist studied Tess with a small smile.
“And I loved it. I still do. The first time I tried scuba diving? I was hooked! It was as though I’d entered into this beautiful underwater oasis. I loved not having a routine, being outside the mundane, and exploring new places. I miss scuba diving.”
“But you let that go. Because of Gabe.”
“I did. It seemed weird to go pursue a hobby on my own without him.”
“Why couldn’t you take a vacation where he could stay on the beach while you go for a dive?”
“I…I don’t know. I guess we just never made vacation decisions like that. He only got a certain amount of vacation time a year and was more interested in going places like cities and whatnot.”
“How did that make you feel?”
“Fine, I guess? I like traveling, so I’m always happy to go anywhere and get out of routine. But I do miss going to the water.”
“Do you feel like you’re running away by traveling a lot at key times during a fairly tumultuous time in your life?”
“I mean…the Colorado trip was already planned,” Tess pointed out. “But, so what if I am? Who says I have to sit at home and cry during this whole divorce process? Why can’t I do things that make me happy?”
“You can and you should. Does it feel like I’m judging you when I ask you that question?”
“Yes,” Tess admitted, hugging the pillow a bit. “It does. I guess I hear Vicki’s voice. I should be staying at home, fixing my marriage, working on my books.”
“Do you believe that?”
“I trust myself to get my work done and manage the career I’ve built for myself. And, I love traveling, I have an amazing dog sitter who loves Red and Ringo like her own, and I don’t want to sit in the house waiting for it to sell.”
“I can understand.” Her therapist smiled. “You are also someone who struggles with feeling trapped – by convention, routine, or expectations. It makes perfect sense why you love traveling so much. It’s your freedom.”
“I did feel trapped growing up. We argued so much, and I had no way out. Except to dip my head into books. I suppose that’s why I’ve been drawn to be a writer. It’s my escape, but also a world that I can control.”
“How is your writing?”
“Well, I’ll admit it’s been a bit of a struggle finishing off my romance novel in the middle of all this,” Tess said.
Every morning she showed up at her computer, and prayed to the muse to let her focus on her work today. By each afternoon, she’d been pulled away by another distraction – like prepping the house to get ready for sale. Her deadline had been pushed back more and more. Usually, she found writing cathartic, but at the moment, she was so distracted that it was becoming increasingly difficult to get words on the page.
“Is it because you don’t believe in love anymore?”
Tess looked up at her therapist in surprise. “No, I absolutely believe in love. I think there’s many iterations of love. I couldn’t write my books if I didn’t believe in love. But, I’m really angry right now. And all of that is pouring out on the page instead of words of love.”
“Maybe you need to let that come out.” Her therapist crossed legs clad in checked trousers. “What makes you the angriest?”
“That he abandoned me like my parents did,” Tess said automatically.
“Ah, interesting. You view this as abandonment?”
“Isn’t it?”
“I think cheating can be viewed many ways. But how it resonates with you is going to be the area we need to work on and build your trust again. I’m happy to hear you say you believe in love, but we’ll need to work on you believing that not everyone in your life will abandon you. And, if you want to get all spiritual about it – which I know you sometimes enjoy – the truth is the only person who can abandon you is you. So, how are you going to show up for yourself?”
“By giving myself permission to be angry, but also to live my life? To make the choices that I need to make, irrespective of what anyone thinks?”
“And how do you see that manifesting?”
“Ideally? With more travel in my future. Preferably to a warm locale with beautiful reefs to dive on.”
“That’s a start. Time’s up for today, Tess. I just want you to know that I’m really proud of how you’re handling this. Everything you’re feeling is totally normal. Stay your path, dear, and you’ll find your way out of this.”
“You gotta go through it to get out of it,” Tess agreed.
Chapter Twelve
It was only for five days.
Tess reminded herself of that as she and Elizabeth arrived at their hotel in Cozumel. She’d handled all the details of her life, hadn’t she? One of her books was now with her editor, and she’d even started outlining a mystery novel. She didn’t quite need the added pain of trying to write romance at the moment, so murder mystery seemed much more fitting with all the emotions swirling inside of her.
“Look! They have flamingos here,” Elizabeth laughed at where a few flamingos milled around a pond in the open-air lobby of the hotel.
“And a peacock,” Tess pointed to where a magnificent bird strolled nonchalantly down a paved path and into the trees, seeming like he was in command of the place. Tess admired the confidence in which he carried himself, as though he was certain anyone would bend to his bidding.
“Are you excited to dive?” Elizabeth asked as they made their way to their bungalow. Instead of a big block of rooms in one building, the hotel was laid out in little bungalows that sprawled all the way down to the sandy beach. Their bungalow turned out to be fairly close to the beach, and the dive shop, which would make things easy for them in the morning to meet the boats.
“I am. It’s been a while, so I’ll be happy to do a refresher course. But, I think it is just what I need. Listen, do you hear that?” Tess paused and listened to the waves hitting the shore. “That’s a sound I could live with every day.”
She’d been right, Tess realized the next day, as she leaped from the boat and into the crystalline blue waters of the Caribbean. The ocean was exactly what she needed. For the first time in weeks, she had complete peace. Nobody demanded anything of her, and all she had to do was remember the main rule – don’t hold your breath. Just breathe, Tess reminded herself, as she floated above the reef, the current kicking her along so all she had to do was cross her arms and enjoy the ocean’s beautiful show. And what a show it was – turtles, reef sharks, seahorses, parrot fish…Tess lost count of all the sea life that swam by. It felt like being in her own little aquarium and for the first time in weeks, her heart and soul were at ease.
Tess found herself envying the dive instructors at the dive shop. They all seemed good-looking, happy, and at ease with life. Hailing from all over the world, Tess enjoyed tuning into the accents that danced around her ears each morning at the dive briefing. She was even certain she’d heard a Scottish accent one morning, but never saw to whom it belonged. Which was too bad, considering her love for the Celts, Tess thought. With one of her book series focusing on Celtic romance, her readers would have loved a photo of her meeting a cute Scottish Scuba Instructor.
Tess even found herself making friends on the boat. She’d forgotten what a tight-knit community divers were. Why hadn’t she just gone to her local dive shop and joined a group? It wasn’t like she couldn’t have hobbies outside of her marriage, Tess thought, and yet she’d never pursued it. She hadn’t realized how much she’d put to the side once she’d married Gabe. Looking back, she realized how easy it would have been to meet platonic dive buddies if she’d just put herself out there. One woman, Kathy, had turned out to be one such enthusiastic dive buddy.
“My husband just had back surgery, so he’s staying mainly on the beach,” Kathy supplied one day before their dive. They typically went down in groups of eight with one instructor, though they still stayed in their buddy pairs or threesomes within the group.
“Doesn’t that bother him?” Tess asked.
>
“How so? I mean, of course he misses being on the dives,” Kathy shrugged.
“But does he mind you going without him?”
“Are you kidding me? I think he prefers it. I travel alone constantly. I’m always leading photography trips and he’s used to not seeing me for up to a month at a time,” Kathy had told Tess that she was a National Geographic photographer, and traveled quite often.
“A month at a time! Wow,” Tess shook her head, the idea shocking her. She’d never even taken a weekend away from Gabe, let alone a month. If she had…would they have divorced sooner? Knowing what she knew now, Tess doubted Gabe could last that long on his own. The man had never been without a girlfriend since he was thirteen. Ever. He didn’t know how to be alone or who he was as a person. And she’d fallen right into the role of constantly being the one to take care of his wants – at the expense of her own needs.
“It’s good for us. I’ve always been really independent, and so has he. It’s a good balance. We also travel together, but enjoy our time apart too. We’ve found a healthy balance that works for us,” Kathy said, checking her dive computer, “Hey, we’re coming back here in October. You should come!”
“Um, hmm, I don’t know. I think the divorce is scheduled for some time around then. It depends when the courts get back to us with dates.” Tess had filled Kathy in on her current dilemma.
“Well, if you can, let me know. My daughter’s coming as well, and it will be her first dive trip. It would be fun! Plus, what a great way to celebrate a divorce other than to go diving? You won’t be alone, we’ll be here!”
Ms. Bitch: Finding happiness is the best revenge. Page 7
