Have Wroom Will Travel

by Jim Conder

  He sat now talking to the Maggie, on the parlor sofa of Maggie’s cottage, while Susan sat nearby grading the girl’s potions for the day. Maggie told she learned about the four best cures for halitosis, and he made comments and suggestions, to which Susan gave the occasional snort of disbelief.

  “Mistress Crone,” Maggie turned to ask, “Will we have to go dig up nightcrawlers soon?”

  “What?” Susan asked “Why would we do that?”

  “Well that first night at Mr. Taft’s you said that all witches needed to sell bait.”

  A brief moment of confused silence, broken when Damien began to laugh.

  “Celibate,” he said. “Celibate,it means you don’t have sex.”

  “All witches should be celibate,” Susan said. “Although I suspect Mr. Taft disagrees.”

  “Hey I’m celibate,” Damien said. “Just not all the time. Couple of hours of celibacy a day seems to work.”

  “Sex is dirty nasty and obscene.”

  “That’s how you know you’re doing it right.”

  “It’s unhygenic,”Susan added, “all of that putting your tongue in each others mouths.”

  “Ewwwww,” Maggie said. She looked at Damien,”You put your tongue in somebody else’s mouth?”

  “Among other places,” he replied. “How old are you Maggie?”

  “Thirteen.”

  “Well, you need to wait about five years then,” he said, “But after that it gets a bit dangerous.”

  “What!” Susan said.

  “Yep, once you get to be about Mistress Crone’s age you are pushing your luck.”

  He sat back on the couch, lit a cigarette and asked “Ever heard of Druids, Maggie?”

  “Sort of like priests?”

  “Sort of, not so many of them now, but they roam around looking for people like Mistress Crone, people with too much celibacy, and grab’em toss’em on a big bonfire as sacrifice.”

  Maggie’s eyes widened into circles.

  “Yep, and there’s this group down in the jungles, the Tecaz, they drag people like Mistress Crone, drag ‘em to the top of these squat pyramids and chop out their hearts with stone knives. And in the islands of the Southern Seas, they drop people like Mistress Crone into volcanoes.”

  “Why?” Maggie asked.

  “Sacrifice usually,”Damien answered, “though I think druids also do it to celebrate the opening of shopping centers. You see they worship the cruel gods. The cruel gods don’t like goats, but they love people who over do it on the celibacy.”

  “They through them into a real volcano?” Maggie asked, casting worried looks at Susan.

  “Yep,”

  “That must hurt!”

  “So I’ve been told,”Damien said, “Never experienced it myself.”

  “Aren’t you worried?” Maggie asked Susan.

  “Should a group of native from an island thousands of miles away choose travel here to take me to the closest live volcano, which I believe is a good five hundred miles from here, and try to throw me in, and I find I can’t handle them, then I’ll worry about it.”

  “ It might be to late then,” Damien said, “Now I’ll be glad to offer my help if you need it.”

  “That’s quite all right Mr. Taft,”

  “I just want to protect you,”

  “Thank-you Mr. Taft,”Susan said with a humorless smile. “Why don’t you tell Maggie about some of the dangers of sex?”

  Damien shrugged, “Well, if you’re not careful, you break out in children.”

  “Sex causes children?” Maggie asked.”I wonder if my parents know?”

  “I’m sure they do,”Damien said with a smile,”How many children are in your family?”

  “Forty seven.”

  “WHAT?” Susan and Damien asked in unison.

  “Forty seven,” Maggie said.

  “That’s not a family, that’s a village,” Damien said.

  “Any twins, triplets, that sort of thing?”Susan asked.

  “My brothers George and Harry are twins.”

  “Any others?”Damien asked.

  “No sir,”

  “And how many children did you say?”

  “Forty seven, I’m the youngest,”Maggie looked thoughtful ,”I wonder if my parents realize what’s causing it?”

  Damien looked at Susan.

  “Maybe somebody should tell them.”

  A bamboo raft came through the night, slowly crossing the siuthern sea. Grass skirted warriors steadfastly dipped their oars into the water, as other men sat on the decks rythmically beating out the war drums.

  Damn, that’s annoying, thought Chief Kua-Kua-ko, popping some seasickness pills. But the drums were traditional.

  The next week Mrs. Whitlow and a stream of others delayed Susan’s trip to Maggie’s cottage. When she arrived, she saw Widowmaker already parked on the front lawn. A strong, but pleasant smell floated from the cottage. Inside she could hear Maggie and Damien in the kitchen.Damien stood strirring a large pot. Maggie peered into a second pot.

  “Are those worms?”Maggie asked.

  “They’re noodles, knucklehead,” Damien replied. They turned as Susan entered the room.

  “Hello, Mistree Crone,” Maggie said, “Damien’s making spaghetti. It’s foreign,from Bute.”

  “Taste this,”Damien said, holding a wood spoon with a red sauce on it towards Maggie. She tried it.

  “Mmmmm,”

  “The trick,”Damien said, giving an sly look at Susan, “Is to get just the right aount of basil.”

  “Oh you are so funny Mr. Taft,”Susan said, with an evil stare. “A comedian and a cheat.”

  “We never said it had to be magical herbs,” He said with a grin,

  “It’s not my fault you can’t cook.”

  “I can cook!” Susan said, “Just not all this, this foriegn stuff.”

  “What are you guys talking about?” Maggie asked, looking from one to the other.

  “Nothing kiddo, “Damien answered, “Get yourself a plate and one for Mistress Crone.”

  He placed a mound of long white noodles on each plate, then covered it with a red sauce with meatballs in it. Susan disliked it immensly, and she disliked her second helping even more, and she positively loathed her third helping. Maggie, to Susan’s dismay, loved the stuff.

  “I like foriegn food,” Maggie said, “Where’d you learn to cook this, Mr. taft?”

  “A few years ago I went to Bute. A Butalian lady named Francesca taught me ths plus a few other things.”

  “I’m sure she did,” muttered Susan.

  “Such as ravioli, and pizza. Get your mind out of the gutter Mistress Crone.”

  “Wow, you went all the way to Bute,”

  “Have broom will travel, “Damien said. “I figure as long as I can fly, why not see what I can see.”

  “I see no reason to gallavanting around to foriegn places,” Susan said. “ I have everything I need right here.”

  “I wish I could go,” Maggie said.

  “Well, I’m taking off the Saturday after next for a weeks vacation, you can come with me if you’d like.”

  “Really!”Maggie said,”Can I Mistress Crone?”

  “Maggie,”Susan said,”You can’t get a broom across the yard. I think you’ll need to learn to fly before you can go galavanting around the world.”

  “Oh,” said Maggie.”Right.”

  “Well then , it’s all set,” said Damien cheerfully. They both looked at him.

  “Well you heard her, if you can learn to fly in two weeks you can go,” He said to Maggie.

  “That is not what I, I mean, I, Oh very well,” Susan said.”BUT, you must do it with no help from Mr. Taft.”

  “Fair enough,”Damien said.

  “Oh, yes!” Maggie said, running outside to practice.

  “I assume you’ll be joining us,Susan”

  “You’d better believe it, Mr. taft. I don’t know what you’re interest in that girl is, but know now that I will be foll
owing your every step while you’re around her.”

  “Good,”he said “I love it when a woman chases me,.”

  Chapter 4

  The Second Dual and the beginning of the Journey

  A demon’s job is to lead humans down the path to hell. They create temptations of the flesh, temptations of money, temptations of power and temptations of anything imaginable to try to lure humans down the ways of darkness and sin. It’s an easy job.

  Frankly demons are pretty much irrelevant because most humans do quite well at finding and falling for temptation all on their own. A demon running late one day may discover a thousand souls trotting merrily down the road to hell before he has a chance to get set up. This causes quite a lot of confusion when trying to determine who has made quota.

  Maleventia was a succubus, A very specialized type of beautiful female demon. She stole the souls of men by convincing them to have sex with her, often referred to as the “Easisest job in the known universe.” Supposedly succubi could change themselves intp any conceivable woman, but this power had faded with disuse. At one time the succubi would look deeply into the soul of a man to tailor her appearence to match his deepest desires. This turned out to be completely uneccessary, they really only needed about six shapes, at least one of which would work on any man. In fact the Blue-Eyed, Buxom Blond worked so often,the average succubus never used anything else.

  Maleventia had more creativity than most ot the others and had worked about twenty different looks for variety, but mostly out of boredom. Men were so predictable.

  The rain came down in a steady drizzle when Susan arrived at Damien, er, Mr. taft’s cottage the next day, in another attempt to get her boots back. She found it empty with a note informing anyone who came looking for him that he’d gone into town. Susan walked the winding path into Gorman and saw the town properly for the first time.

  Unlike Galder and Ghast which were largely self sufficient, Gorman served as a port town. Or had anyway, but recently most ships had begun going up to the more conviently located city of Lander, which had a much larger port and sat on the river Epfram, for easier shipping inland. As a result Gorman had suffered a decline in fortune and would have died altogether except that one small but vital group kept the ports open.

  Pirates. The royal navy also docked in Lander, so pirates tended to prefer pulling into the safer docks of Gorman. There had been a bit of mild protest from the more upright citzens of Gorman, but the more pragmatic ones had realized that pirates tend to be very free about spending any ill-gotten loot. So the upright citzens had moved up to Lander, while Gorman had become a rough and tumble town with loose morals as well as experiencing the upsurge in prosperity that comes from being associated with any criminal enterprise.

  Susan made her way through town, carefully stepping over the bodies ,drunk, dead, or both, that littered the streets. She paused as two men crashed through a nearby window and fought each other in the mud, the blood, and the beer that ran in the streets. Women in less clothing than Susan approved of, stood at street corners, propositioning the men who walked past. A few of them even propositioned her.

  She found Mr. Taft in a tavern, sitting around a table with a group of men and one woman. They played poker and Susan could tell from the pile in front of Damien, that he’d been the most consist winner.

  “Cheating at cards now, Mr. Taft?” Susan asked. Those at the table went silent. One man, an older pirate with a hook where his left hand should have been gave Damien a suspicious look.

  “You been cheating us matey?” the pirate said, his lips curling into a snarl.All eyes looked at Damien. He looked back at them stoically. The entire tavern had gone deadly silent. Then with lightening speed Damien had stood and reached across the table and grabbed at the good hand of the pirate with the hook. Seizing the man’s wrist. Damien pulled out the Ace of spades, showed it to the crowd, then sat back down, and looked at Susan

  “Well Captain Houk, as a matter of fact I am,” He said sternly to the hooked pirate. A moment of tense slence settled in over the bar. The Damien’s face broke into a wide grin, as he let go of Capitain Houk’s arm and sat back down. Everyone around Susan broke out laughing.

  “If you look closely at the this deck we’re playing with, which belongs to Mr. T’kris over there, “He said indicating a blond man in forest green,”You’ll notice tiny, almost imperceptible markings on the back. And of course, when Mr. Schmee over there dealt , quite a few of the cards came from the bottom of the deck.”

  “We all cheat,” Damien said, “that’s what makes it gambling.”

  He flashed a grin at Susan. She crossed her arms and glared at him.

  “Who’s you’re friend Damien,” asked the only woman at the table.

  “Folks I’d like you to meet Susan Crone, village witch of Galder. “You’ve all heard the trolls talking? Well she’s the one.”

  They all looked impreseed. Damien indicated the pirate with the hook.

  “Susan, Captain James Houck, “ Captain Houck stood and bowed. Damien pointed to the little fat man with the white mustache sitting beside the captain. “This is Mr. Melvin Schmee, Captain Houck’s first mate.”

  “Jaunita Zephyrus, more commonly known as Zephyr,” Damin said indicating the woman, a dark haired beauty with skin like coffe with cream and dark flashing eyes. The blond handsome man sitting beside her, a man dressed more like a forest bandit than a pirate stood up and bowed as well.

  “Robert T’kris, pleased to meet you m’ lady, “He took Susan’s hand and kissed it. Damien pushed him back with a gentle but firm shove.

  “Back off,” Daminen said then looked at Susan. “Mr. T’kris is scoundral and not to be trusted”

  “The man’s a cheat” Damien said to Susan in a stage whisper. The pirates laughed loudly at this.

  “I assume you are here on business?” Damien asked Susan. Then looked at his fellow card players. “She keeps making these excuses to see me, I think she may be falling for me.”

  “Poor girl” Zephyr said, “I hate to see anyone descend into madness.”

  This amused the others. Damien raised a hand to his chest in mock hurt.

  “I can’t believe this my friends laughing at my expense,” He said, his voice dripping with melodrama. Then his eyes went to the rather large pile of gold coins on the table in front of him. “Oh wait it wasn’t at my expense after all.”

  He stood and scooped his winnings into his hat.

  “I bid you all good day,” He gave a bow with a flourish, then turned and walked with Susan out into the streets of Gorman.

  “Those were pirates?” Susan said.

  “Yes, Captain Houck and Mister Schmee are on the the Jolly Eugene and Captain Zephyr and Mister T’ Kris are on the …”

  “Black Medallion !” Susan said “I knew those names sounded familiar.”

  “You’ve heard of them?”

  “Of course I’ve heard of them, they’re said to be the most blood-thirsty pirates sailing today!” She looked at Damien. “You consort with the like of that?”

  “Well I’m not sure about consorting, though Zephyr and I almost had a fling once years ago,” Damien said thoughtfully. “ But they are old friends, I knew them before they were legends”

  “The man T’kris was rather handsome,”Susan said casually.

  “A liar, a cheat, and all around scoundral” Damien said, “Not a man at all like myself”

  “Except for being a liar, cheat and scoundral?”

  “Exactly, but you still haven’t told me what I can do for you today Mistress Crone?” Damien asked as they walked through the drizzling rain.

  “I’ve come about my boots,”

  “Hmm, well not a good day for painting,” Damien said, “Rain makes the paints run.”

  “I have no intention of posing for you Mr. Taft,” Susan said.

  “What are you thinking of then?”

  “There must be some other way?’

  “Nothing I can think of,”<
br />
  They walked on throught the village, in silence, dodging the occasional fight. Susan noticed that several yuong women giggled and waved as Damien walked past. He favored them with a grin and a wave in return. Susan sniffed and glared.

  They left the village and walked in silence along the path that led to Damien’s cottage. Like most witches he valued his privacy and lived deep within the woods. Rain spattered against their hats, but they continued to walk. Witches never run, at least not when anyone else might be looking.

  “You know, Mistress Crone, I still haven’t figured why you disapprove of me so much,” Damien said.

  “You know perfectly well why, Mr. Taft,”Susan said, “You go around calling yourself a witch, yet I’ve never seen you do the slightest bit of magic.”

  “I know quite a bit about herbs,”he said.

  “That’s merely memorization and doesn’t prove anything, “she said.

  “I’ve got the broom,”he said.

  “Hmpf, that monstosity?”

  “I just prefer thinking to magic,whenever possible” He said with a shrug.”If it’s any help I use precognition quite a bit.” “Hah! You? Don’t make me laugh,”she said,”I can predict with almost eighty percent accuracy.”

  “I can do a hundred percent myself,”he said.

  “One hundred? Oh bull, nobody does a hundred percent!”Susan said. Mamaw Cutacre had said that the future was always in motion. There were to many things that could happen, to many changes possible. The best anyone could hope for was abouty eighty percent.

  “Is that a challenge?”he asked.

  “A challenge?”Susan said, then thought a moment,”Why yes I believe it is? Tonight at midnight?”

  “Fine with me,”Damien said,”You do realize the penalties will be the same as last time.”

  “Fine,”

  They reached Damien’s cottage, and stepped up onto the porch. They stood there for a moment looking at each other. Damien gave geve her an odd smile, gentler than his usual cocky grin.

  “You are an unusual and fascinating woman, Mistress Crone,”he said.”Would you care to come come in and dry off a bit, maybe have a cup of tea?”

  “No, no thank you,”Susan said. He had the most beautiful clear green eyes of anyone she had ever seen before. He slipped one hand around her waist and pulled her closer. As they came together, Susan closed her eyes, she could feel his warm breath against her skin. She flet a light gentle pressure as his lips pressed against hers. Her tongue slipped between his lips and . .