Have Wroom Will Travel

by Jim Conder

  Maggie gave a faint smile as she smelled the smoke, She began to realx and found herself giglling uncontrollably.

  “Like you got anything to eat eat,”Maggie said,”Man.”

  “Oh sure, like I just took some herbal brownies out of the oven,”said Stardust, I’ll like go get some.”

  She left through the curtain of beads, and returned a short while later carrying a large plate of brownies. Maggie gratefully accepted two. The were warm and moist and as she ate them she began to feel really mellow. She giggled, and the posters on the wall giggled with her.

  “Whoa, “Maggie said,”Like this is primo stuff, man.”

  Captured by flying monkeys, her broom and wand taken away, tossed in a damp cell infested with rats and roaches, chained to the wall, and facing certain death, Susan began to relax. This sort of situation she knew how to handle. She could get very angry in a situation like this and some people were going to get hurt, badly if Susan had anything to do with it.

  A blue-eyed blond with a figure with a small nose and all the curves Susan would never possess, strode into the cell purposefully and walked over to Susan. Each woman gave the other an apraising look, but the blond gave look of shocked annoyance when Susan managed to get in the disdainful sniff first.

  “What’s the matter?” Susan asked,”Couldn’t afford the entire dress?”

  “Hmm, just because you don’t have the body to pull off a look like this,”Maleventia said, indicating what could barely be described as dress, since it barely contained any material. A few silken scraps covered a delicate areas, though it gave the impression the a good gentle breeze would take care of even those small concessions to modesty. Susan gave a disinterested shrug.

  “I’ve never entertained much interest in looking like a discount prostitute” she said.

  “I’ve seduced thousands men. I am what men want, you hawk nosed witch,” Maleventia said. “I am what they all want.”

  “You’re the one Maggie saw in the alleyway are’t you?” Susan asked,”Seems you could’t quite manage to be what Damien wanted”

  “Damien’s obviously gay!”

  “Well he is in a good mood quite often,” Susan said,”At least he seems to be the way he keeps hittiing on me.”

  “WHAT!” Malventia’s eyes began to glow red.

  “Face it, I’ve got what he wants and you don’t,” Susan said with a slightly knowing, evil smile. The demoness came in closer, bringing her face right up to the witches.

  “Don’t fool yourself, little witch,”Malventia said,”Damien will be mine.”

  “Get out of my face bitch, before I have to kick your ass,”Susan said, with irritating calmness. Malventia drew herself back, her skin turning burnt red, horns curling out of her forehead. she grew in size till she stood towering over Susan.

  “What was that, Little witch, “Malventia said, her forked tongue flicking out to punctuate the sentence.

  “Are you deaf, or just stupid,” Susan said, “I said back off bitch or I’ll kick your ass.”

  Had there been a trace of fear in Susan’s voice Malventia would have been pleased. Anger would have been the second choice, because anger would have been fear, redirected and badly disguised. But Susan used the tone of strained patience that one might use to try and get rid of a especially irritating child. Malventia sputtered a moment, the shrank back down to her usual blond blueyed form, and stomped out of the room. She tripped and twisted her ankle, because stomping in seven inch spike heels is not a good idea.

  Chapter 9

  The Medallion

  Damien stood looking out the window of his cell, when the door opened and Grog and Glod thrust Susan in. She fell to the floor, then looked up, rose and ran to him. She threw her arms around him. and looked up into his eyes.

  “Oh, Damien you’re safe, I was so frightened,” She said, with a sob. He placed his hands on her shoulders and gave her a gentle but firm push.

  “Back off Malventia, “he said.

  “Wha… What are you talking about?” Susan said as tears streamed down her face. “Damien, it’s me.”

  “You have to many curves, Susan’s nose is less like a hawks bill and more like a puffin’s,” Damien said, “and frankly the real Susan would have tried to kick me in the groin by now.”

  “Damn you Damien,”Malventia said, once agian reverting to her default state of blond. “How can you possibly be attracted to that hawk-nosed, . . “

  “Puffin nosed,” he corrected.

  “Whatever!,That puffin nosed …witch!”

  “Becuase she’s everything you’re not,” Damien said

  “Flat chested, big nosed, prudish and bitchy?”

  “You’re both a bit bichy, “ Damien said, “But she has intriguging bitchiness.”

  “I’ll have you know that I’ve been to Bute, and Calicrantia, and anywehre you could run,”she said,”I took the hand of a high priest and we made love in the sun. And sipped champagne on a yacht!”

  “Yeah whatever,”

  “I’ve been undressed by kings, and I’ve seen some things a woman isn’t supposed to see!”

  “Yeah, well you’ve been to paradise, alright, but you’ve never been to me,” Damien said,”and I don’t see that trip anywhere in your immediate future.”

  “Fine Damien,” Malventia said, turning to leave,”Then maybe the two of you can just DIE together!”

  “Like, I really need to go to Lander,” Maggie said, thought a moment and added, “man,”

  “Maggie that place has like a dark karma, y’know man,” said Moonchild,”Like the man is always busting up our scene y’know man.”

  “Yeah like it used be a place where all the muchkins could go and be mellow, man,”said Starchild,”But like the all munchkins disappeared when then flying monkeys all showed up, man.”

  “But like my friends are there man, “Maggie said, eating another brownie,”They’re like trying to bust up this Dark Wizards scene, y’know man.”

  “Oh now that’s really groovy, man” said Moonchild.”I can like get behind that, man”

  “Yeah, that’s like really groovy, y’know,I mean we could bring back like good karma to that place,”said Starchild, “Like it’d be back in line with the cosmos, y’know,man”

  “Groovy,” Maggie, trying to rememembr exactly how one went about standing up. The floor seemed uncooperative, but she finally managed it, after only seven tries. Moonchild and Stardust also got up.

  “Like I’ll get the van ready, “said Moonchild,”Stardust get some brownies, and Maggie, go pick some flowers.”

  “Like why should I pick flowers man?”

  “Like,If you’re going to Lander put some flowers in your hair,” Starchild answered.

  “Oh,”said Maggie,”Groovy.”

  “Ahh Malventia, any luck,”Vlad asked as the succubus strode into thre great hall of the castle. She glared at him angrily in reply. He turned back to his prepartions “I guess not. Well I’ll have to kill him. Pity really, he’s my only child, but I suppose I can eventually make another one that looks just like him.”

  He positioned his medallion on an altar, checking to make sure it lay directly in alignment with a huge rose wondow at the far end of the hall. A large space had been cleared away in front of the altar in order to actually perform the spell. He checked the directions in his ancient tome, then smiled with satisfaction. Malventia watched him intently.

  “What is it you are doing exactly,” she finally asked.

  “ah,” he said,”You see by perfoming the Rite of Waye, I’ve ben able to capture all the magic in the immediate area, and place it in the medallion. But shortly there will be an alignment of the planets, what the munchikins call harmonic convergence..”

  “Munchkins!,” she said, spitting on the floor.”tree huggers,”

  “I admit they are a strange and useless race,”Vlad said,”But when this ‘Harmonic Convergence occurs, I shall be able to capture all of the magic in the world, focusing it into the medal
lion.”

  “Whoever controls that medallion will control the world,”Malventia said softly.

  “Exactly,”said Vlad, turning to her wildly.”And you know who that will be?”

  “You?”she asked, in a voice dripping with seductive poison.

  “Exactly!”

  Or perhaps me, Malventia thought.

  Glod and Grog had been placed on guard duty at the only gate to the city of Lander. They stood in silence, watching out over the dark, mist shrouded roads. There were no longer any birds or animals to make any noise this close to the city, so the night lay deathly silent.

  “Hey, Grog,”

  “What?”

  “You hungry?”

  “No!”

  “Oh, me neither”

  “We just had dinner,”

  “Yeah, but that was two hours ago,”

  They stood in silence for a few more minutes.

  “Hey Grog,”

  “What!”

  “You sure you’re not hungry,”

  “Yes I’m sure.”

  “Cause you know if you were hungry, I’d be glad to go get you some food, y’know, if you were hungry.”

  “Well I’m not, so just stay there.”

  “Oh, ok,”

  “Even if I were, the boss would skin us alive if we left our post.”

  “Yeah, I guess so,”

  “So even if I were hungry, which I’m not, I’d rather not think about it,”

  “Ok,”

  “Not that I’m hungry,”

  Then they heard it, softly in the distance, the creak of wagon wheels, the sound of a guitar being strumed and singing.

  “Like,If I had a crowbar, man Like,I’d pry stuff in the morning I’d pry stuff in the evening,man Like, something something something, something

  Like, i forget the words, and like really even the melody, man

  Yeah like if i had a crowbar, man”

  Glod saw them first, the small muchkin horses, the ones Moonchild called Vee and Dubble Ewe, pulling the oblong munchkin cart. The cart stood tall enough for the munchkins to sit inside, though only Moonchild rode here, steering the horses.It resembled a like a tall box that had been slightly rounded off on either end. it had been painted with multi colored stylized flowers, and on either side a symbol, like a circle bisected vertically, with arms coming off the midddle bar and reaching downward. Maggie and Stardust sat on the top of the bus, and sang as Stardust strummed the guitar.

  “Hold it right there,”said Grog, stepping forward. Moonchild pulled the the reins bringing the bus to a stop. He flashed a peace sign at the two henchmen.

  “Like, peace, man,”

  “We don’t need your type here, so scram,” said Grog, jerking his thumb in the direction in which from which they had just come.

  “Why you gotta hassle us man?”asked Stardust,”We’re just,y’know spreading our message of peace and love,”

  “Yeah peace and love,”said Maggie, who had stowed her witches hat in the van and replaced it with a headband.

  “Scram, Ya calmmie bastards,” Grog said

  “Yeah get going you tree hugging… .”Glod stopped and sniffed,”are those brownies?”

  “Yeah man, want some?”

  “No we…”said Grog, “Boy those do smell good, but we are not going to …have more than a couple, or so.”

  In the great hall, Vlad had finished making the preparations. He stood solemly and moved to the space before the altar. One dozen skeletons lay on the ground behind him, Each clad in a shapeless grey robe. Malventia watched from the sidelines as he closed his eyes in concentration and the skeletons rose behind him, till they stood in a large circle all facing each other. Vlad turned to face into the circle with them He pulled out a small band of terry cloth which he placed upon his head. Then he slowly dropped his robes,the skeltons imitatated his actions.

  Malventia gasped.

  Beneath the robes Vlad and his skeletal warriors wore striped leotards, blue tights and yellow leg warmers. Vlad raised his hands and a strange rythmic music began from some unseen source. The music increased its speed.

  “Let us begin,”Vlad called out, as he and the undead warriors began a strange, but very enegetic, and highly choreographed dance number.

  “Put your left foot in,”he commanded, as they followed his command.

  “Pull your left foot out!”

  “Put your left foot in “ Vlad called.”and shake it all about”

  Malventia watched in horrified fascination as the dance continued. The movement went on to the right foot, then the right hand, then the left hand, and so on.Vlads commands, a sort of primordial chant which not only told the dancers what to do, but had a meaning all their own. He did an odd dance,then he turned himself around.

  That was what it was all about.

  Malventia shivered with the sheer power of the song and the dance. The singer controlled the dancers, making them do things they wold never otherwise do. She watched as they put their whole bodies into it, then pulled them out again. as they returned their bodies to the circle and began to shake them, a great light burst through the rose window. It flowed green and sizzling focusing it self smaller. It ended in Vlad’s medallion, which rested on the altar.

  Vlad turned to the altar, his eyes gleaming. The skeletal dancers fell to the floor behind him, once again lifeless.

  “At last,”he cried out,”all of the power in the world! and it’s all…”

  Cr-ash, tinkletinkle.

  Vlad slumped into unconsciouness on the floor as Malventia dropped the remnants of the vase she broken over his head. She stepped foreward and picked up the glowing medallion from the altar.

  “Mine,she said. “All mine.”

  “Oh man am I falling off this chair?” asked Glod in a panic. “Man, you’re like sitting on the floor dude,”said Grog.”Man those brownies were really good, but I am still so hungry.” “I’m thirsty, do we have any juice?” “Yeah juice would be good, and some of those corn chips from

  Pampasloner,” “And some ice cream,” “And a pizza,” “And some juice,” “Oh man!Oh Jeez man,” “What’s the matter, man?” “Am I Glod or Grog, man?”

  “Oh man I don’t know!”

  “Oh, man, oh man!”

  “Ahhhhh!”

  “Wait a minute man,”

  “What, man?”

  “Does it really matter man?”

  “Naw man,”

  “Groovy”

  “It was great the way they gave us those cigarettes,” Glod said, taking another hit and passing it to Grog.”But man I’m like worried, I heard that like smoking was bad for you.”

  “Dude, these are like herbal cigarettes,” replied Grog,”Herbal means it’s good for you.”

  “Groovy,”Glod said, helping himself to another brownie. Grog stared at him a moment.

  “Y’know man,”Grog said,”anyone ever tellyou that you are like really sexy man.”

  “Like thanks man,”

  “Nah man I mean it,” Grog said, rising to his feet,”You are one fine looking man.”

  “Groovy,”

  “You wanna dance, man?”

  “Yeah., groovy,”

  Eight primate eyes watched as Maggie and the Munchkins made their way through Lander. The four monkeys swooped behind them in a silent pursuit. Maggie turned around just as the monkeys landed. The monkeys began advancing, brandishing their weapons in a menacing way.

  “Here they come,” Moonchild warned, “walking down the street.”

  “Hey, Hey!”said Maggie,”It’s the monkeys.”

  “People say they monkey around,” said Stardust with a giggle.

  “Hey monkeys,”said Moonchild,”Take a hit man.”

  He proffered up one of his custom-made hand-rolled herbal cigarettes. One of the monkeys accepted it cautiously, then took a long drag on it. It looked at the a moment, and handed the cigarette to another monkey. The four passed it among themselves, and Maggie saw them begin to change. />
  Their wings and fur all fell of, and they began to shrink.

  “Man does it feel good to get small again,”said the first monkey as he shrank down, transforming into a munchkin. The other three followed suit. Moondust looked at them.

  “Like, Mike! Davey!Peter! Mickey!”Moonchild exclaimed,”Good to see you guys again.”

  “Wha…!’ Susan cried as the chains holding her to the wall released and a trapdoor opened beneath her feet. She fell through it, sliding down a chute to land, hard, on her rump in another cell. She looked up and to her disgust saw Damien. True to what he’ds told Malventia, she imediately got up and tried to kick him in the groin. Twice.

  She paused at the grinding sounds of doors being opened. Seven flat reptiles, their long snouts filled with sharp teeth, waddled into the room. She looked over at Damien in disgust.

  “Another one of your evil schemes Mr. draco?” she said with a sneer.

  “Oh yes,” he said,”Everyone knows that if you are going to take over the world, the best way to do it is to be eaten by crocodiles.”

  “Oh don’t go being sarcastic with me, I know you villainous types.” Susan said, crossing her arms,”and for your information, those are alligators. “

  “Oooh, miss can’t change the spots on a tiger is now an expert on zoology” Damien said,”Listen I grew up with all my fathers menagerie of deadly beasts, and I think I know crocodiles when I see them.”

  “Yeah, well I grew up near the swamp, and I know alligators when I see them,”

  “Oh well it’s good that little miss can’t be wrong has spoken,”Damien said. He gestured towards the reptiles.”Sorry guys, I know we all thought you were crocodiles, but she says that you’re alligators.”

  “Oh don’t get get angry with me Mr. Lying son of an evil wizard, “Susan said,”Just because you can’t tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile.”

  “You know, I didn’t exactly have a lot of control over who I was born to,”Damien said.”And they are crocodiles.”

  “They are alligators, and you still shouldn’t have lied about who you were.”