by Lili Zander
Today was a revelation. She laughed, her eyes shining with merriment, as the floofs swarmed me. She tried on clothes with glorious abandon. She twirled, smiling in delight as the stars in her skirt shimmered and glowed.
I never thought she’d get to this place.
For two months, I haven’t let myself hope, because to hope is to open myself up to heartbreak.
Today, her happiness was contagious. And it made me reckless, because I let her see how much I desire her.
Now I’ve upset her.
Is she angry because she feels pressured by my interest in her? Because she doesn’t reciprocate my feelings?
But no, that’s not what she said. She doesn’t believe me. She thinks I’m lying. Acting.
Her reaction is completely perplexing. I really don’t understand human women.
Does she not see the need in my eyes? I’d made no effort to conceal it. Does she not see the way my body reacts to her? My cock was so hard that it had hurt. If it weren’t for my loose-fitting pants, my reaction would have been obvious to Lashi’vi, to Xeni, to every customer in that boutique.
I give her a sideways glance. Her shoulders are stiff, and she’s wrapped her arms around herself. I want to probe cautiously, but I’m mindful of the fact that I’ve already offended her by calling her a liability. Besides, we don’t have time. The Cindifin shuttle leaves in a few hours, and if this mission is to even get off the ground, we need to be on it.
The woman at the pet store has corralled the floofs in a large cage. She’s also helpfully packed their food and other supplies into a large bag. “Make sure they get a steady supply of sugar,” she instructs us. “Sugar keeps their fur from falling out.”
Naomi giggles. “Does it also make them hyperactive?” she asks.
I translate, and the saleswoman nods ruefully. “They’re floofs,” she says with a helpless shrug. “Either they bounce all over the place, or they slink around morosely, shedding their fur everywhere. Those are your choices.”
“Of course they are,” I comment dryly. I lift up the astonishingly heavy bag. “What else is in here? Rocks?”
She beams at me. “Ah, you know something about floof care already,” she exclaims. “Yes, there’s a three-month supply of failut rocks.” She turns to Naomi. “As your bondmate can tell you, the oil secreted from failut rocks keeps their fur shiny and sleek.”
She’s not joking. For the love of Caeron, I’m hauling rocks because these three chittering animals need to look beautiful. Naomi takes a look at my face and her eyes dance with merriment. “We better go before Danek changes his mind about my pets,” she says, her lips twitching. “I think he’s about ready to return all three of them.” She links her arm in mine. “Come on, honey. We don’t want to be late.”
It’s so good to see her laugh.
“We should return them,” I grumble. I swing the pack with supplies on my shoulder and pick up the cage. Two of the floofs—the pink ones—have clearly had a double dose of sugar, because they rush to the front of the cage and peek out through the bars with big purple eyes. The orange one—the most sensible one of the trio—ignores the activity and naps peacefully in a nest of rags. Him, I think I could like. “Let’s go.”
Back on the Aheat, against my better judgment, I let the floofs out of their cage, and predictably, they go nuts. They bounce all over my ship, each tumbling off in a different direction. I chase after them—the suckers have sharp teeth, and I don’t want them chewing through the protective coating around the wiring. I dive at one of the pink ones, but the damn things are fast. “Grab them if you can,” I shout over my shoulder to Naomi. “Before they destroy the ship.”
“One step ahead of you.” She sounds smug, and I turn around again, and do a double-take. The orange floof is in her arms, purring in contentment, the lucky bastard. “Pumpkin’s a good boy, isn’t he? Yes, he is. The best boy.”
I am a fearsome Draekon warrior. My enemies quake when I approach. I cannot possibly be jealous of a floof. I refuse this emotion. “You have named the creature after an orange fruit?”
“Of course. He’s got orange fur, so he’s obviously a pumpkin. Is it weird in your culture to name pets after food? If you had an orange pet, what would you call him?”
Having a pet. How would the Supreme Mother have reacted if we’d dared to suggest such a thing? Her wrath would have rained down on us in the form of the rathr. “We weren’t even given names,” I murmur. “Pets were unimaginable. The scientist who created us—the Supreme Mother—wanted blind obedience to her orders. Any attachment we formed was a threat to her dominance over us. It was considered disloyalty, and it was punished.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see the pair of pink floofs creep out onto the ceiling. Shaking my head to get rid of the images of the past, I jump straight up in the air, snagging one of them in my grip. The other one crashes to the floor. Along the way, she grabs a strand of my hair to slow her fall, nearly tearing it out at the scalp. Her claws snag on my shirt, ripping the fabric, and then she lands in my arms with a pleased purr.
Destructive little beast.
“Have you named them yet?”
Naomi shakes her head, her lips pressed firmly together to keep from giggling.
“Good,” I say grimly, holding out both floofs to her. “Because I have some suggestions. Meet Plague and Pestilence.”
She breaks into peals of laughter. “Plague and Pestilence?” She sets the now-sleeping Pumpkin down on the floor and takes the Terrible Twosome from my hands. “Come on, that’s not fair. These little monkeys are far too adorable for that.”
Plague—or is it Pestilence?—wriggles free from Naomi’s grasp and makes a beeline for my tablet. I grab him before he can push it off the console and drop him back in Naomi’s arms. “Bad monkey,” she says, trying to sound stern and failing miserably. “Don’t break Danek’s things.”
“Adorable,” I say dryly, sweeping up the tablet before the next floof finds it. “Sure thing. That’s what they are.” I look around. “Where's Pumpkin?”
A look of horror flashes across her face. “Oh God, I wonder what he's up to?”
I start to laugh. “In the interests of my ship’s safety, not to mention getting out of here, might I suggest corralling them into their cage while you pack?”
I send a quick message to the Rebellion, letting them know we’re heading to Noturn ahead of schedule. Then I gather my belongings. It doesn’t take me very long—most of my stuff is already packed.
Naomi is still packing her newly acquired clothing. I should offer to help her, but there’s something I want to do while she’s occupied. I head to the cockpit, shut the door, and comm Alice.
She appears in front of me. “Fifth,” she exclaims. “What a nice surprise. Did you mean to call Kadir? He’s on the flight deck, but he’ll be back any minute.”
“No, it is you I want to talk to.”
“Is something wrong? Is Naomi okay?
“Yes, everything is fine.” Alice looks tired. Her normally cheerful smile seems dimmed. “What about you? Are you all right?”
“It’s nothing.” She makes a face. “The colony ship is making me seasick. I’ve been throwing up a lot. I can't wait to get my feet on the ground with the sun shining on my face.” She looks abashed. “God, I sound so whiny. The Draekons that settled on Nestri were in a colony ship for two years. I’ve barely been here one day and I’m already grumbling.” She shakes her head. “Never mind me. How’s Naomi?”
“She took Dariux’s advice and bought floofs as pets. They’re tearing apart my ship.”
“What are floofs?”
“Fluffy, uncontrollable monsters. We have three. Pumpkin, Plague, and Pestilence.”
I send her the vid from the Aheat’s security feeds. She chuckles at the floofs’ antics, but when we reach the end, her smile fades and she gives me a thoughtful look. “That was interesting.”
“Why?”
She tilts her head to one side. “Yo
u’ll find out,” she says inscrutably. “What did you want to talk to me about?”
I gather my thoughts. “Naomi said something I don't understand. Is there some kind of significance to being forty?”
Alice frowns. “What exactly did she say?”
“We were in a store. Naomi was trying on clothes. We’re supposed to be newly bonded, so I was watching her admiringly.” I was hard as a rock. Not that I’m going to tell Alice that. “Then, when we were alone again, she yelled at me. She said that nobody would believe that I could be attracted to her. Then she said something about creaky knees, grey hair and being a forty-year-old woman.” I run my hand through my hair. “I don’t understand. Why is her age relevant? After all, I’m more than a thousand years old myself.”
“You know as well as I do that the time you spent in stasis doesn’t count,” Alice chides. She chews her lip. “Okay, let’s see if I can explain. Human society values youth and discounts age, especially in women, who have historically only been valued for their fertility. That attitude still lingers.” She sighs. “In human women, fertility starts to decline in their mid-thirties. Then there’s Hollywood and pop culture.”
“Hollywood?” I still don’t understand.
“The movie industry,” she explains. “In Hollywood, actresses find it incredibly difficult to get parts when they get older. Of course, aging men have no such problem. Don’t even get me started on that double-standard. In pop culture, women in their forties are invisible. And so, Naomi has a bunch of cultural conditioning to overcome. Then there’s the way you look.”
“What? She said that too. What is the problem with the way I look?”
Alice sighs in exasperation. “You’re gorgeous. You all are. Your Supreme Mother liked her soldiers pretty, I guess, because she made the six of you extremely easy on the eye.” She smiles at me. “No offense, but I obviously think Kadir’s the best looking.”
“None taken. The Supreme Mother made me good-looking. So what? Naomi is beautiful too. More importantly, she’s strong.” She survived the scientists. “She’s brave.” They broke her mind, but she pieced it back together. She volunteered for this mission. I think about the floofs snuggling against her. “She’s kind. Surely those are more important attributes. Beauty fades for all of us in the end.”
Alice tilts her head to the side again, her eyes narrowing. Bast. I’ve said too much. Kadir’s mate is not stupid. If she starts piecing together everything I’ve said, that will not end well.
“She’s doing better,” I say in a desperate attempt to change the topic. “Naomi, I mean. She’s different now. From before.” I’m babbling. “I thought I knew her, but I don’t. She’s full of surprises.” Stop talking, Danek. Stop talking now. “Turning forty—it is a time of significance?”
“Yes. It's a milestone birthday. It’s a big deal. Why?”
“Naomi said she turned forty during her captivity.”
Alice’s expression turns sad. “Oh, poor Naomi,” she whispers. “She never said. That is heartbreaking.”
As much as I want to keep myself from caring, I can’t do that. Not with Naomi. Not ever. So much has been taken from her. It isn’t right that she loses this too. I take a deep breath. “Tell me, what do humans normally do on their birthdays?”
11
Naomi
It’s easy in theory to tell myself to stay away from Danek. It’s a lot harder to do in practice.
Because he’s charming. And attentive. And when he holds the floofs, his expression might be stern, but his hands are gentle, and the animals show no sign of fear.
Then again, there’s cold reality. Reality tells me that I am reading far too much into this. Reality tells me that the heat in his eyes is fake. Reality tells me that there is no way that Danek would be interested in me, a forty-year-old woman who’s afraid of everything, who is, even after sixty-two days, still traumatized by what the scientists did to me.
As soon as were back in the Aheat, I escape. First, I hide in the bathroom, and then, I tell Danek that I need to pack and no, I don't need his help.
“Are you sure?” he asks, his dark eyes resting on me. His voice is knowing, and his gaze is perceptive. Too perceptive. Once again, I get the sense that he can read my thoughts, and once again, it makes me nervous.
“I'm absolutely sure. You probably need to tell the others that we’re leaving ahead of schedule, don't you?”
“I do,” he agrees. He levels another long, searching glance at me, and then he leaves the room, shutting the door behind him.
Alone at last.
Okay Naomi, I tell myself sternly. Shut this thing down. You are not a teenager. Even as a teenager, you never went through this ‘he likes me, he likes me not’ bullshit. You are a grown-ass woman who has far more important things to do than worry about whether Danek is attracted to you or not.
I’m flipping out. My emotions are oscillating from one extreme to another. I want him around. I want him gone. I think he might be attracted to me. A second later, I’m convinced there’s no way that’s going to happen. I want his arms around me. I want to push him away.
I’m losing my mind, and that’s not good. This is not healthy. This turmoil, this pendulum of emotions, I am not strong enough to cope with it. After what the rogue scientists did to me, I might never be strong enough.
Focus on the mission. Worry about the upcoming trip to Noturn. Now is not the time to develop feelings for Danek. Now is not the time to want things that you cannot have.
On autopilot, I pack my new clothing into my bag. Out come the grey jumpsuits and the utilitarian grey, black, and white shirts that have been my de facto uniform of the last sixty days. In goes pretty dresses, silky blouses, and skimpy underwear. It feels strange. As if I'm a butterfly, emerging out of a cocoon, ready to face the world.
Back in the boutique, I'd tried on a long, flowing dress that looked like it was made up out of the night sky. When I moved, the skirt had swirled around me, shimmering with stars and moonlight and magic. When I twirled, laughing in glee at the effect, I would've sworn that Danek was imagining ripping the dress off me. That he was imagining me naked.
He'd stalked up to me. He'd stood close, so close that when I took a deep breath, my nipples brushed against his chest. He looked down at me, a small smile on his face. He’d cupped my jaw, and his thumb had grazed my lower lip. And the expression on his face…
The expression on his face had been… love.
Knock it off, Naomi. He's a good actor. A very good one.
But what if? He’s not in love with me—I’m not deluded enough to believe that. But what if he was really attracted to me? What if he wasn't pretending? What if the desire were real?
The three bright furballs watch me pack, their gazes sharp and curious. They're adorable, but they remind me of my friend Mara’s cat. Mischief was adorable, and she was also a force of chaos and destruction. Pumpkin, Plague, and Pestilence are cut out of the same cloth.
There's only one thing left on the bed. It's the squares of purple cloth that masquerades as lingerie, the garment that Danek was going to show me how to wear. It's filmy, sheer, and delicate, and I assume that it wraps around me. As if I’m a long-anticipated present under the tree on Christmas morning, about to be unwrapped by my adoring husband.
It's a lie, all of it. We need to pretend to be crazy about each other in public, but in private, there’s no necessity to keep the charade going. There’s no need for this lingerie. Danek is never going to see me in it. He’s never going to unwrap me and watch the fabric fall to the floor in a whisper.
There is no earthly reason to pack it. I stare at it for a long time. My hand hesitates over that soft scrap of fabric, and then, in a fit of madness, I pick it up and stuff it deep into my bag.
12
Danek
On a station where space is a premium, and hotel rooms are so expensive most people opt to berth on their own ships, the Cindifin spaceport is impressively large and airy. Plants
soar to the sky in the sun-filled atrium, and dozens of tiny winged birds swoop around the brightly colored foliage, filling the air with their song. The Wekat Exchange is in space, but here, in the Cindifin spaceport, you could be fooled into thinking you were planetside.
It’s a statement of power. The House of Cindifin has never shown any interest in the politics of the Homeworld, but they are a wealthy house, and they don’t want you to forget it.
I show the guards at the entrance my employment contract. They give the floofs several dubious looks. “You say that the pets have been cleared?” one of them asks suspiciously.
“Yes,” I reply patiently. “I’ve bought passage for me, for my bondmate, and for her three pets. If you look at the shuttle manifest, you’ll see it’s all in order.”
She looks through my paperwork again. “Seems strange,” she says. “People seldom bring their bondmates. And you’re not only bringing her, but her pets too?”
“People don’t bring their bondmates because of Noturn’s resonance field,” I retort. “It’s not worth the risk. But Naomi isn’t Zorahn, and her people are unaffected by the planet.”
“As are Pumpkin, Plague, and Pestilence,” Naomi adds.
Cindifin must have finally added English to the lexicon, because the guards understand Naomi. “You named your pet after an orange fruit?”
A line is building up behind us. The second guard looks up, looks at the queue, and throws up his hands. “Oh, just let them in,” he grumbles. “If the safety inspector wants to spend the majority of his bonus on shuttle transport fees, that’s his problem, not mine.”
Inside the spaceport, we’re met by a harried looking Cindifin official. “I am Garlx ab Cindifin,” he introduces himself. “You are Danek ab Usora, yes? The safety inspector?”
“I am. And this is my bondmate, Naomi Knoll.”
He bows in greeting. “Director Lashi’vi is usually here in person, but unfortunately, she had a crisis.”
