American Honey

by Caitlin Ricci

  I had the raw pictures in my email by the time I woke up at almost noon. I immediately texted them to Dillon. I didn’t want to risk him not seeing them. I wanted to know what he thought right then and there before he ever came to pick me up or before he ever saw me again. If this was a problem, as I fully expected it to be, I wanted to know that now, and from there I could handle it. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to know that what I did wasn’t somehow this horrible sinful thing in his eyes.

  But I had my doubts. He was so young and innocent. It was so much to expect for another person. It was more than I could hope for to find someone who honestly accepted what I did and still trusted me even after seeing me like that.

  Chapter Nine

  Dillon

  I stood there staring at the pictures on my phone for a good five minutes. I’d never realized that seeing someone I was interested in kissing another guy would make me want him.

  My cheeks were warm, and it had nothing to do with the bright sunlight in my kitchen. I licked my lips as I wondered what I would have done if Cal had kissed that other guy in front of me. Would I have turned away to hide my own embarrassment at how turned on I was? Or would I have been able to take him in my arms and kiss him after? Like I wanted to do to him now?

  I got out a washcloth from the side drawer and wet it, using it to cool my face and neck. It didn’t really help. I imagined that I could hear the music from the club in the background. Those dim lights. Cal in the mesh shorts. Me sitting there, watching him dance with someone else. Watching Cal kiss him, and touch him, and then, he would turn to me. Only, my fantasy stopped there. I didn’t know where I wanted it to go from there. I wanted him, but I didn’t know where to go beyond that.

  I was hard as I texted him back. That’s hot. You look really happy.

  I didn’t have to wait long for his text back. You don’t sound that upset, but you could be hiding it.

  I called him. If that’s what he needed to hear, then I’d call him. “I’m not upset,” I told him as soon as the call connected. I didn’t even give him a chance to say hi first.

  He chuckled and the warm, comforting sound went right through me. I needed to stop thinking about him dancing naked while kissing someone else. Someone who was also naked. I didn’t want Cal and someone else with me. But for some reason I couldn’t explain the image of him kissing someone else had made me incredibly hot for him. “You’re a good liar, if you’re lying.”

  Fine. If he really wanted to know. “Is it weird to get turned on at the sight of you kissing someone else? Like seriously want you right now, kind of turned on?”

  His breath caught and I closed my eyes as I tried to come back from the sudden, aching need within me. “You’re serious?”

  “Mmhmm.”

  “Are you hard?” I heard the smile in his voice.

  My breath was barely a whisper. “Yeah.” And I couldn’t get my cheeks to stop feeling like they were going to burn off.

  “You have no idea how happy that makes me.”

  I laughed. I needed more than just a cold washcloth. I needed a full-on cold shower. “It’s not the idea of a threesome really, if that’s where you’re going. It’s just... I dunno. It’s hot. Seeing you kissing him. Imagining you dancing with him and then kissing him and then...” I pursed my lips together. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to go there yet.

  “And then what? What’s got you so turned on?”

  I sighed and wished I wasn’t so hard that I could barely think right then. “Then if you kissed me and took me somewhere private and... I dunno. Then we had sex. Look, I’ve seen porn and I know what I’ll probably like but without actually doing it with another person I can’t say that this is definitely what I want in this situation. But the idea of you making out with someone else when you both don’t have much on and then you taking me somewhere, yeah that’s something I’m surprisingly into.”

  “Okay. I can live with that.” He sounded so relieved, and I was really glad. Maybe I’d made him feel better somehow by just being okay with what he’d shown me.

  “Good. Now, I gotta get ready. See you in two hours? Text me the address?”

  “Yeah. Are you going to shower?”

  My cheeks got impossibly warmer. “I am. And I’m not going to think about you at all while I’m in there.” That was a lie and I’d told him I wouldn’t lie to him, but I didn’t really count that as being that serious of a lie.

  “Sure you’re not.” He didn’t sound like he believed me for a second. “Go have fun. I’ll see you soon.”

  I groaned in frustration as he hung up. I definitely needed that shower.

  I showed up at the address he’d given me a little more than two hours later. My shower had been much needed, but it had taken longer than I’d anticipated. Maybe it wouldn’t have, if I hadn’t needed to get off. But that had been a need, not a want. I wouldn’t have been able to drive very comfortably with how hard I’d been if I hadn’t taken care of my needs while I’d been there.

  I straightened out my clothes as I got out of Asher’s car. My brother’s car was a lot nicer than the truck I had and used to move beehives around between our farms. My truck was mostly rust. The fabric on the seats was torn open. The radio hadn’t worked in years and the passenger window didn’t roll down all the way, even after the door was banged on a few times. That trick had worked a while back, but not anymore. Still, I loved it. The truck had been our grandfather’s. I’d saved it from a salvage dealer who had only been interested in it for the scrap metal. Someday it was probably going to die on me and then I would leave it in whatever field it had finally succumbed to in. But right now, it was still running fine. It didn’t start all the time and it definitely wasn’t safe to drive on the highways I needed to take to Cal’s place, but that’s why I had my brother’s car.

  Asher’s Charger was sleek and fast. He’d done some modifications to it, though he wouldn’t tell any of us what they were. Probably because they made the car not entirely legal to drive. I didn’t really mind though. It was safe and it got me there to my first date with Cal.

  I looked good. Or at least I hoped I did. My jeans were so dark they were nearly black. And they were clean, which was a rarity for me. I had on a green shirt. Not a full button-down work shirt, because I didn’t want to look like I was going to an office meeting. But not just a t-shirt either. I was going for casual and low key, but not so casual to look like I didn’t care at all. So my shirt had a V-neck and it was tucked in. I had a belt on too. I hoped I looked okay for a date. Asher had been too busy pruning trees to give me pointers when I’d stopped by to get the keys to the Charger from him.

  As I walked up to Cal’s suburban two-story brick home, he opened the door and came out, completely ruining the scene I’d had in my head of going up and knocking on the door and then waiting a few minutes for him to open it, at which time I would tell him that he looked nice and he would tell me that too, and then maybe I could get a kiss or something.

  But with him coming out, all I managed was a fumbled little, “Hi.”

  “Hey,” he said, all confidence as usual. He took my hand, and then I saw his gaze go over me and then to the car. “Yours?”

  “Asher’s,” I corrected him. Though I didn’t miss how his eyes lit up as we walked closer to the car and he got to really look it over.

  “She’s gorgeous.”

  In that moment I wished that I knew everything about the car. I wanted to impress him with the engine, the horsepower, the... the... whatever else people were impressed by with cars. “When you turn up the music the system sounds good,” I said instead. It was really the only thing I knew about it, other than how absolutely pissed Asher would be if I ended up hurting his car in any way.

  “Nice. Where did you want to go for lunch?”

  I had asked him out, so I had been prepared to have to come up with something, but I liked spicier food than most people I knew in Missouri, so I hoped that Cal
did, too. “Is Thai okay? If not there’s a burger place I’ve been wanting to go to as well.”

  “Thai’s fine.” He leaned over and kissed my cheek, instantly making my cheeks heat up.

  Once inside the car he took my hand. I’d had it in the middle, just lying there. Not expecting him to do anything with it. That was just where I liked to rest my hand.

  But there he was, lacing his fingers through mine. “Those pictures I sent you were for a promo thing we were doing at the club. They’ll be online soon.”

  I nodded as I awkwardly put in the address for the nav unit with my left hand. I had to twist oddly but since he was holding my hand, I didn’t want to ask him to stop touching me now that he was.

  “Are they good enough quality to print off? My fridge could use a picture of you in mesh underwear.”

  “If they’re not, you could always take some of me if you wanted to.”

  By the way he said it we could have been taking pictures of my hives instead of me taking pictures of my boyfriend when he was mostly naked. I licked my lips and twisted my free hand over the leather steering wheel.

  “What are you thinking about?”

  There was a teasing lightness to his words that told me that he knew exactly where my mind had gone. So I didn’t bother lying to him. “You naked.”

  He chuckled. “You have no idea how refreshing being around you really is. Travis, he—”

  Cal shut up in a hurry, and I could guess why, but he didn’t need to not say his ex-boyfriend’s name around me. “You talking about Travis doesn’t bother me.”

  “I shouldn’t talk badly about him though. We were together for a long time, he deserves better than that from me.”

  Maybe he did and maybe he didn’t, I wasn’t a very good judge on that, since, from where I stood, Travis had screwed up and now Cal was with me.

  I drove us to lunch where we ate a quiet meal of Pad Thai and Pineapple Fried Rice. We barely spoke. We didn’t need to either. I was comfortable out with him and I hoped that he was with me, too. When the check came, I took out my wallet first, though he was quick to pull his out as well.

  “I asked you out,” I reminded him as I put the cash into the folder.

  He scrunched up his face. “I feel like I should pay, since I’m older.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I’m not looking for a sugar daddy. I can take care of myself just fine. You can pay for the next meal.”

  That seemed to appease him, and we were off to get the new queen for my hive shortly after that.

  “How do you requeen?” Cal asked me as I drove us to the other side of Springfield to pick her up.

  “You kill the old queen. For this one I smashed her with my hive tool.”

  He made a face and I thought I’d have to get into the reasons why it was necessary to requeen a weak hive and how it happened all the time in nature. But he didn’t say anything after that. However, he did take my hand and I was happy to have him hold it again.

  Joshua, of Josh’s Bees, was an old friend that I’d met in a beekeeping forum. Well, not really old. I’d known him for about six years, though. I was trying to adjust my view of time to take Cal into consideration now, too.

  Josh was outside when I pulled up. “Where’s the truck?” he asked me.

  “I’m borrowing Asher’s car. I’m on a date,” I told him as I leaned out the window. He dropped down and looked across the seat to Cal.

  He gave me a wink, then squeezed my shoulder. “She’s Italian. Feisty little thing. Treat her well.”

  He handed over a queen cage, a little wooden box with a screen over it and a piece of dried sugar goop on the bottom to hold her in. I offered the cage to Cal, who looked uncertain at first.

  “She won’t hurt you,” I promised him. “Just hold her for a moment. Hold her on the wood part. There’s no chance of her getting you there.”

  Cal did take her from me, but only with his fingertips. I smiled, remembering the first time I’d asked anyone in my family to hold a queen. They’d had much the same reaction as he did. Gavin was still wary about my bees, even years later. Kyle was much braver around the bees. Or, more reckless anyway. I had to remind him to wear gloves most of the time and he often went without a veil.

  I handed a twenty over to Josh. “Thanks. See you at the beekeeper’s meeting next month?”

  “Yeah. Of course. You two go have fun.”

  I laughed and pulled out of the driveway. As I drove away, Josh was getting on his gear to go into his hives. At the first stoplight we got to, I looked the queen over. She was nice and active, and Josh had marked her for me with a touch of red paint. It didn’t hurt them. It just made keeping track of them better. I didn’t need them marked, but I wasn’t against it either. I put her in the cup holder and then went back to holding Cal’s hand.

  We got back to my place, and we walked together through the woods and fields out to the hive that would become this new queen’s home. I had on gloves and a veil. I’d given an extra set to Cal too, but he was standing back.

  “Do you want to know what I’m doing at all?” I asked him. I was used to some guys not caring at all, and some who wanted every intricate detail. Those guys were normally beekeepers who wanted to make sure I knew what I was doing. Despite my age, I did have some idea of how to raise a hive. I did have quite a few of them after all.

  “Yeah, I’d love an explanation, if it won’t distract you too much. I don’t want you getting stung.”

  I chuckled at his worry. “They’re usually pretty good. So, this is the hive that needs a new queen. I’ve got my smoker and I’m going to spray smoke over them to keep them calm.” I did that as I walked him through it. I took off the outer cover, the inner cover, and I kept spraying the bees, helping them relax. I’d been stung plenty, but stinging me killed them, and I wouldn’t risk my bees if I could help it.

  “I’ve already removed two frames, so there’s room for the queen’s cage. I’m going to pop her down right in the middle. The drones will get to know her and will eat through the hard sugary substance that’s dried on the bottom. Once they do that, they’ll release her, and then she’ll start making new babies for the hive.”

  I popped her in, and then checked the hive. Everyone looked really good. I sprayed as I put it all back together, and then I took his hand again as we went back to my house. Asher would come get his car later. Or I’d deliver it to him. He didn’t need it. Most of the time he used his bike anyway. The car was just when he had a date who didn’t like riding on a motorcycle, or he had to get groceries or something.

  We ditched our gear outside of my house where I kept it and then we went inside. Cal was awkward, for a moment, but then I put my hand in his shirt and he pulled me toward him. “Are you okay with kissing?” I asked him. I lifted myself onto the counter, wanting to be at the same level as him if he said yes. He didn’t answer me with words though. He simply came closer, pushing himself between my thighs.

  Then his mouth was on mine and I squeezed my legs around his hips. He tasted like Thai food. I wondered if I tasted like honey permanently from how much of it I ate. I felt him there, hard and needy against me. I was ready for him, but I hadn’t been sure he would be. I wanted him to decide that for us. He was the one getting out of a long-term relationship. I didn’t want to be his rebound screw. I didn’t want to be someone that he might regret the next day. I wanted us to have a better chance than that.

  He went for the bottom of my shirt and I helped him get it over my head. His reaction to my scars was expected. I hadn’t warned him. I didn’t want him having some horrible idea of what to expect in his mind before ever getting to see me without my shirt on. But now he did pull away to be able to look them over.

  “They’re from the accident,” I explained as he ran his fingers over the gnarled scar tissue that crossed my chest from where the seatbelt had cut into my skin. “I’d been too small to be in the passenger seat, even though I was old enough t
o be.” I had more scars, smaller ones, from the airbag beside me going off, too. I had been lucky in a lot of ways. Some scarring, a broken nose, and I was still okay. It could have been much worse.

  “You look like you’re lucky to be alive.” Cal sounded angry. But he didn’t get to be like that. Not about this.

  “I am. And Asher learned his lesson in a big way. He hasn’t touched alcohol since that accident. And you don’t get to be mad at him about this. He’s been through a lot of shit because of that afternoon and he doesn’t need any more. So, while you can be mad about my brother driving drunk with me six years ago when he picked me up from middle school you don’t get to take that out on him. We’re past that and if you want any part of me or this life or a relationship with me, then you have to be past it, too, because he’s been through too much shit to have your anger piled on him, too.”

  Cal stared at me for a long while. “You’re protective of him.”

  “He’s my big brother,” I explained unhelpfully. Of course I was protective of him. I would always be. He’d come so far and done so much to get past where he had been. I loved him and I was proud of him.

  Cal kissed my lips and then, slowly, dragged his mouth over my jaw to my throat. “No one has ever had that fierce kind of protectiveness over me that you have for him. A lot of people would have walked away from someone who hurt them like that.”

  He was down to my chest, laying gentle kisses over my scars. “We’re family,” I mumbled. I ran my hands through his hair and touched his shoulders. I didn’t want to talk about Asher right now. I wanted Cal. And I knew that he wanted me too. If he’d asked, he could have had me.

  Cal brought his mouth to my stomach and I sat there, sucking in shallow breaths, as he touched the front of my pants.

  “We shouldn’t,” he said.

  I knew he was right. “It’s been too soon since Travis.”