Metal Up Your Ass

by Michael Todd

  Taken over a planet of humans and forced them to do your bidding? Katie asked.

  Uh, yeah, that would probably do it, Pandora admitted. Just know that I am not immortal. There are ways to kill us; the secret just doesn’t lie in human hands, that’s all.

  Does a heavenly host come from God? Katie asked.

  I really don’t want to talk about this anymore, Pandora answered. It’s like us talking about all the ways you can die. It kind of kills the mood.

  All right, Katie agreed. She wouldn’t press the issue, at least not right then. What is your favorite dessert?

  I like tiramisu the best, Pandora purred.

  Oooh, that’s a good one. Katie nodded. I like brownies. Not the crappy ones you get at a restaurant, but like the super-chocolaty gooey ones you make at home. Get them hot, cover them with vanilla ice cream, and I am in heaven.

  I like pot brownies, Pandora offered.

  You would. Katie laughed.

  What about a dessert that isn’t made from a box? Pandora asked.

  Oh oh oh, Katie exclaimed excitedly. I know exactly what I like.

  It’s about time, Pandora said snidely.

  Churros, Katie stated.

  Excuse me? Pandora asked.

  Oh my God, you’ve never had a churro?

  Uh, no? What is it?

  Katie went into an entire explanation of how churros were made, where you could get them, why they were so popular, and most importantly, what made them so delicious. Pandora listened quietly, but Katie could tell she was drooling on the inside. She had to figure out where she could get Pandora a churro soon.

  So, wait… Pandora said. We are talking about a long shaft of sugary cinnamon-y goodness, with a caramel cream filling that I stick into my mouth and bite off?

  Oh God, Katie moaned.

  Why have you not talked about this before? Pandora asked.

  I’m realizing now that I shouldn’t have talked about it at all.

  It’s like you have been hiding the perfectly-designed dessert. It’s the right size, you bite it and cream comes out, the right girth… Wait, how big can they be?

  6

  Katie took the Raptor for a spin around Vegas before she headed back to the first base she had called home.

  As she came up to the area where T’Chezz had come out of the portal, she veered off the road into the sand. There was definitely a difference between the Raptor and the Ferrari. In the Ferrari she’d had little to no control whatsoever, but in the Raptor she sped along like she was on the highway. When she reached the area where the portal had been she slammed on her brakes, coming to a halt right where she would have hit that bastard and knocked him into next Tuesday.

  But would you attempt that in real life? Pandora asked. I mean, he could have grabbed that bumper and taken you right down with him.

  I guess we’ll find out next time he decides to burst out of a portal from hell, won’t we? Katie answered, turning the truck around and heading back to the road.

  Pandora sighed. I’m starting to think I created a monster.

  Takes one to know one. Katie laughed.

  Touché.

  Katie drove back to the 15, swerving in and out of the sand, having a blast in her new truck. She realized it was one of the best things she had done for herself since she had bought the Ferrari.

  She had been so busy demon-hunting that she hadn’t bought anything for herself besides food, and that was usually for Pandora.

  She was racking up the money, but it was just sitting there. The Raptor had cost her one big demon and a few smaller ones for the upgrades, and she was feeling like she was back in the saddle again.

  When she pulled up in front of the base she revved the engine, catching everyone’s attention inside. They all piled out of the house, oohing and aahing at her new ride.

  She got out and smiled at Korbin, patting her truck on the side. He shook his head and grinned, watching Eric and Derek do circles around the thing. It almost got a better reaction than the Ferrari had, but then again, this was a group of men. Well, and Stephanie. Damian walked out slowly and smiled, looking at the bright-red truck.

  “You got a new ride,” he exclaimed.

  “Yep,” Katie said proudly. “I had a promise to keep, and with the new base the way it is, I decided to go with something I could do a little more damage with. The Ferrari was awesome, don’t get me wrong, but I think I outgrew that stage. I walked right in and bought it off the lot.”

  “We are going to have to go take it out for a sand-dune test drive,” Calvin said, lifting his eyebrows. “Do a little surfing out there at the new place.”

  “You are going to have to let me drive this thing,” Eric demanded, eyes bright.

  “We shall see, young Padawan.” Katie laughed.

  They stood around talking about the truck for about ten minutes, then everyone shut up. The loud thump thump thump of helicopter blades echoed through the compound.

  Katie stepped over to Calvin and looked into the distance as a helicopter came rushing toward them and swooped over their heads. Stephanie crouched, and everyone else backed toward the building in alarm. Korbin stayed put, though, standing next to Katie’s truck as the chopper landed.

  Katie stepped forward as the bird touched down, the propellers on top spinning just as fast as the two smaller ones on the sides. It was sleek and scary as hell, but as sexy as could be. It moved fast and sharp, and Katie had to admit it was awesome to watch. Korbin put his hands in the air and turned to the team.

  “Your new airbus has arrived,” he called.

  “What?” Calvin chuckled.

  “I figured it was time for us to upgrade.” Korbin jerked a thumb toward the helo. “We can’t keep driving to the airport, hoping to not run into traffic, now can we? The new base is farther away, and this baby will get us to the airport in fifteen minutes flat, if not quicker.”

  Everyone started talking loudly, excitement replacing the alarm they had felt just moments before.

  They waited until the bird’s blades had come to a complete stop and raced over to take a closer look. Katie stood at the back of the truck, just staring. She was excited, but she felt like Korbin had just stolen her thunder.

  They really needed that bird, that was for damn sure, and she couldn’t have imagined a hotter-looking helicopter to chopper the team wherever they needed to go. Korbin walked up next to Katie as the others gathered around the chopper, completely leaving her and her beautiful new truck behind. She looked at the Raptor and petted it like a dog, sticking out her bottom lip.

  Korbin threw his head back and laughed, grabbing her shoulder and walking them toward the group. Calvin came up behind her and leaned forward to whisper in her ear.

  “Sorry.” He laughed. “That’s a sweet-ass truck, there is no disputing that, but I’m afraid it’s no Ferrari, and it’s definitely not an X3.”

  “Is that what that thing is?” Katie asked.

  “Yep,” Calvin said, standing up straight and crossing his arms in front of him. “That is the Eurocopter X3, or ‘X-Cubed,’ as they like to call it. As far as I knew it was still experimental, but hell—Korbin can get his hands on anything. It goes two hundred and ninety-three miles per hour, and man, it can go forever.”

  “Why does it have propellers on the front?” Katie asked.

  “Those are tractor propellers,” Calvin explained. “Instead of it having propellers on the tail it has those, and they are gear-driven from the main propellers on top. That thing won the Howard Hughes Award, which is huge in the helicopter business. I’m just surprised the man didn’t pick up the racer model, which is insane and uses like fifteen percent less fuel. This one will do just fine, though. It can climb over fifty-five hundred feet per minute. That would have been handy in Los Angeles.”

  “Yeah, it would have.” Katie laughed. “I guess if I’m going to lose my fans to anything, it might as well be a badass helicopter.”

  “That’s for sure.” Calvin grinned.
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  Katie’s eyes widened in excitement. “You think he’ll let me fly it?”

  “Not a chance in hell.” Calvin patted Katie on the shoulder and headed toward the chopper.

  “Well, it was worth a shot,” Katie said to herself, shrugging.

  She joined the others at the bird, and they gazed at its glory and took turns sitting in the pilot’s seat. Korbin told everyone he was going to learn to fly it, and when he had his license he would bring another one of them into the pilot program as well.

  He wanted to eventually have their whole operation run by members of the team, whether they were there or coming there to help. He wanted to keep the place as safe as possible, which was why he had invested in the chopper and was trying to keep the contractors as minimal as possible.

  “We don’t need strangers in our midst anymore,” Korbin told them. “We need to stand united as a team, and we need to not feel the sting of loss anymore. We need to push through our training and get stronger and wiser, and this helicopter is going to be a great tool to help us defeat what’s out there. This is a big step for us, one that will be scary at times, but I promise you it will all be worth it in the end. Now, I want everyone to go inside, change your clothes, and get ready for training.”

  Everyone groaned but jogged into the building, feeling the excitement of the afternoon. Korbin looked at Katie and winked, climbing into the chopper and looking over things with the pilot. Katie smiled at Stephanie, who had walked up and put her arm around Katie’s shoulders.

  “Hey, at least now we have a badass ride for our hunting.” Stephanie looked at Korbin, then the bird.

  Katie laughed. “I don’t think Korbin is gonna let us take the chopper for that.”

  “No.” Stephanie nodded. “Oh, hell no, he wouldn’t. I mean, look at your new truck. The thing looks angry and ready to hunt.”

  “Hell, yes, it does.” Katie pumped her fist.

  “We can throw a bunch of demon-infested assholes in the back of that thing.” She laughed.

  “Just don’t scratch the paint,” Katie warned. “I’m leaving that for the next time I bowl over a demon and send him plummeting back into the depths of hell. I want to see what Ruby Red looks like on the front of T’Chezz. Maybe with that big-assed FORD emblem embedded in his chest.”

  “Me too, girl. Me too.” Stephanie laughed and went into the building with Katie right behind her.

  The general eyed the scientist.

  “So you see, here we are studying demons’ limits,” the scientist explained. “We want to know their strengths and their weaknesses. Our biggest challenge is that all our demons are inside a human body. We haven’t captured an actual demon yet. They are big and hard to contain, and getting them here would be nearly impossible, so we are working with what we have. Don’t get me wrong—these demons are pretty unfriendly, but they are shielded by their human.”

  “So you are able to study them to a certain extent, but not fully,” General Brushwood mused as they walked through the underground tunnels of Area 61 in northern Louisiana.

  “Right,” the scientist replied, as they approached the labs.

  “What about a dead one?” the general asked. “Would that be sufficient?”

  “It would be,” the doctor agreed, “but as you may remember, when you kill a demon it either evaporates back to hell or turns to ash. We tried testing those, but that didn’t show us anything. It was just ash under a microscope; nothing is alive in it.”

  “Oh, right. Well, I just don’t know how we are going to—”

  Right then a loud crash echoed through the corridor, followed by a scream. The doctor jumped in front of the general and shoved him through a door as a demon broke through the window and tumbled across the floor in front of them.

  “He’s broken loose,” the doctor shouted, slapping the alarm on the wall.

  The general pulled his gun, but before he could aim the guards pulled him to the floor. He looked at the ceiling as red laser beams shot across the hall, spearing the beast. Small guns dropped from the ductwork , and alarms blared. The demon growled and looked at the general with a smile. He took two steps forward to lunge, but before he could complete the action the guns fired wildly. The beast flew back, gyrating with every hit. The guns kept firing, spraying bullets all over the hall and directly into the demon.

  After what seemed like an eternity the alarms stopped, and the guards helped the general from the floor. He stepped closer to the corpse on the floor and watched as what was left of it slowly turned to ash. The doctor shook his head, ordering clean-up crews to take care of the mess.

  “I want the other damned enclosures triple-checked!” the doctor barked. “If this one got out there might be a weakness in the security, and we cannot afford to lose another one.”

  “Wow,” the general exclaimed, putting away his gun and straightening his uniform.

  “I’m sorry, General. Please forgive us.” The doctor straightened his glasses. “This seldom happens, but when it does we are fully prepared for it.” He waved a hand toward the ash pile. “As you can see.”

  “What happens if there is a human in the hallway?” the general asked.

  “That’s why we earn hazard pay, General.” The doctor smiled and patted him on the shoulder.

  The doctor walked over to some of the other staff and start giving orders. The general couldn’t believe they were so nonchalant about this.

  On top of that, he had not been briefed on the security measures at that facility. Had he known, he might not have been so cavalier about pulling his weapon. He stopped one of the staff as they walked past.

  “I’m sorry, I just want to ask a question.”

  “Yes, General.” The man smiled. “What can I help you with?”

  “If there was someone in the hall, maybe trapped between the demon and the wall, they would have been hit?”

  “General, you have to understand the power of these beasts,” the guy explained. “They can do more damage than bullets ever could. The system is made to kill anything in the hall. We can’t be too careful. We cannot allow one of our people to be infected, and we cannot let a demon escape the facility. They are too wild and dangerous, and most are injured in some way. It would be like a rabid dog outside.”

  “I understand,” the general replied. “Thank you.”

  “Sure.” He smiled as he walked away.

  The general took a good look at the hall. The walls were thick metal, everything was covered in some sort of protective gear, and even the security features had a plexiglass shield on them. He hadn’t paid close attention before, but now he started to feel a bit uneasy about the whole thing.

  He wondered if the first base he had gone to had that kind of protection. He was sure they did; they were an even larger facility than this one.

  “Shall we move on with the tour?” the doctor asked, walking up beside the general.

  “Sure.”

  The general followed the doctor down the hall, stopping for a moment to look at the other demons in their cages. They looked like wild animals: chained to the floor, the bars on their cages scratched and rough from their teeth and nails. He struggled to see the humans inside those cages at all.

  “They used to be people.” The doctor glanced at the demons. “We have seen some go from human to completely demon, but others came this way. Still, somewhere in them is the person who used to have that body. They are just too far gone to do anything for. You have to understand that, or you will drive yourself crazy.”

  “When all the humanity is gone, we will have lost,” the general replied. “I damn sure hope that isn’t anytime soon.”

  7

  T’Chezz stood in the great hall, the hood of his long black robe pulled up over his scaled head. His red eyes gleamed vibrantly as he looked at the high arched ceilings. The building was reminiscent of something that would have been found on ancient Earth. The stone beams curved toward the center and had demonic enchantments etched into the craggy s
urfaces. It was the high assembly gathering place and its halls bustled with demons, some there for sport, others with actual positions in the levels. T’Chezz had been there many times before, but never for a meeting like the one he was waiting impatiently for. The rest of the top eight were away doing the master’s bidding but Moloch was still there, and he had called T’Chezz in for a secret meeting.

  T’Chezz and Moloch had never truly seen eye to eye, but they’d always had the same goal: to overtake the weak, to strive for success, to be the bigger demon. T’Chezz knew this was no peace offering, but his plans were big; huge even, and if he succeeded, Lucifer would take notice. Moloch would want to be a part of that, to work himself up the chain. The higher-level demon had ambitions as well, mostly centered around standing at the left side of Lucifer. Moloch wanted to rule just below the king himself, and have everything that went along with that. Demons were gluttons for glory and power, and Moloch was no different than the rest.

  “T’Chezz,” the demon growled, walking toward him. “Thank you for coming.”

  “Thank you for the call,” T’Chezz replied.

  “Shall we go to my office?”

  T’Chezz nodded, putting his hands behind his back and walking beside Moloch. As the lower demons passed they put their heads down, paying respect to the mighty demon. He was feared, which was not the same as respect, but the outcome was no different. He was revered by the strong, feared by the weak, and used as a model for the ambitious. In reality he wasn’t much stronger than T’Chezz, but he was an opportunist, knowing exactly who to schmooze and when.

  “I hope we weren’t too brutal on you during our last meeting.” Moloch smiled, showing T’Chezz into his large office. “Your ideas are big, and we like that.”

  The fireplace was huge. It stretched along one whole wall, and though it looked like flames burned inside, when you looked closer you could see the tiny souls trapped in their own personal hell. They shimmered and flickered like fire, and T’Chezz made a mental note to get one of those.