Metal Up Your Ass

by Michael Todd

  “Is it the President?” he asked.

  “No, sir.” She smiled.

  “Is it God?”

  “No, not God, sir.” She chuckled.

  “Then I don’t see the relevance,” he replied, leaning out and staring at her.

  “Well, you had told me that if either of the mercs from the Virginia operation ever called to make sure that you were notified,” she told him.

  The general took the towel from around his neck and wiped the remaining shaving cream from his neck and earlobes. He rinsed his face with warm water, toweled it dry, and grabbed his shirt from the door. As he pulled it over his shoulders he stepped into the office.

  “Well, what did they say?” he asked.

  “They…well, she…is on line six, sir,” the colonel replied. “She insisted that she speak to you and only you. She said it would be a top-secret conversation.”

  “Really,” he grumbled, eyeing the colonel.

  He walked over to his desk and looked down at the phone, where line six was flashing. He finished buttoning his shirt and put his tie on before sitting down and getting comfortable. He looked at the colonel and motioned for her to shut the door. She scampered across and closed it, slowly making her way back and sitting down in front of him.

  He punched the button and put the phone on speaker. “This is General Brushwood.”

  “General, I don’t know if you remember me, but this is Katie from the Las Vegas mercenary team Korbin’s Killers,” she began. “My colleague and I helped out with the Virginia operations.”

  “Yes, Katie, how are you?” he asked in a pleasant enough voice, or at least he thought it was.

  “I’m well,” she replied. “I don’t want to take a ton of your time. I know you are a busy man, but I have a new product that I want to share with you. I think you will really find it useful.”

  “All right,” he responded. “Where would you like to meet?”

  “Well, it needs to be tested. I’d like you to be there for the testing, but I need an operation with demons. Do you have anything going on?”

  “I’ve always got ops with demons.” He chuckled. “Right now Louisiana seems to be the hot spot. We’ve had several incursions in a very short amount of time; a couple of days. I haven’t been out there yet, since I just got back from Texas where there was a high-casualty event.”

  “I heard about that,” Katie replied. “I’m sorry for the losses.”

  “Thank you. As far as the test, let’s make it Louisiana.”

  “Good,” Katie agreed sternly. “I’ll meet you in New Orleans.”

  Before he could say a word, she hung up. He looked at the phone and lifted his eyebrows, punching the button to turn off the speaker. He shook his head and sighed as he looked at the colonel.

  “I guess we are headed to New Orleans,” he told her. “I really need to have a talk with Korbin on polite phone manners. These mercs are like street urchins.”

  “They do have demons in them, sir,” the colonel pointed out.

  “Yes,” he agreed, rubbing his chin. “They do. Which means we always have to be on guard.”

  Katie waited in the chapel’s doorway as Damian finished up his evening prayers. The place looked amazing, even with his neon cross. He had festooned the walls with deep red draperies, set up tables with candles all over, and had the old pews redone by some of Stephanie’s girls. There was even a section at the front where pillows had been placed on the floor for lounging and relaxing.

  It looked like a trendy coffee shop rather than a chapel, but it fit Damian’s personality perfectly. He didn’t play by the rules. He was his own person and believed that his God loved him for that.

  Katie appreciated that about him, because he applied that philosophy to everyone in his life. He loved them no matter how weird, crazy, or sinful they were.

  When he was done he blew out the candle he was holding and set it back on the table, slowly getting to his feet with a grunt.

  Katie chuckled. “Getting old?”

  “You don’t know the half of it!” He smiled at her. “I wonder if there is a retirement plan for this type of work?”

  “Usually nobody makes it that long,” Katie replied with a grimace.

  “Truth.” Damian sighed. “What can I do for you?”

  “I need spiritual backup,” she told him. “I’m going to the Big Sleazy…Easy…shit! I’m going to New Orleans.”

  “All right.” Damian laughed. “When do we leave?”

  “Now.” She smiled. “Meet me at the chopper.”

  “Give me ten minutes.” He shook his head as he headed toward his room. “Always a surprise with you.”

  “You love me.” She waved over her shoulder as she went in the other direction.

  Katie grabbed her bags and went out to the chopper. She handed Damian a set of headphones when he climbed in behind her, and they took off for the airport to take the jet to New Orleans.

  “While we are in the air, I figured I would mention that I have two cases of the specialty 9mm bullets; one for us, and one for the general’s team.”

  “Ugh.” Damian groaned. “Are you serious?”

  “Yes, and before you ask, Korbin knows,” Katie told him.

  “Do you really think this is a good idea?” He leaned forward and put his hand on Katie’s shoulder. “We are giving them the tools to wipe us out.”

  “They could always wipe us out,” Katie replied, turning to him. “A bullet to the brain kills human and demon alike. If we are going to move ahead in this war, we need to get past the old animosities and mistrust. We can’t fight demons if we are too busy fighting each other.”

  “That is both true and wise.” Damian sighed and leaned back in his seat. “I guess Korbin and me, we have a hard time swallowing it. We have been at this a lot longer than you, and we have been through the changes with different generals; through the animosity and mistrust. Even this new general, he wants our weapons. We know he is snooping around trying to find things out about us. It will be very hard for us to swallow a truce, much less believe that they will be forthcoming afterward. I just have a hard time trusting them.”

  “Then trust me,” Katie suggested. “This is my life, my business, and my family. I won’t let anyone, government or not, take what is rightfully mine. They will have to pry it from my cold dead hands.”

  “That is not beneath them,” Damian shot back.

  “Right, but do you really think Pandora would let that happen?”

  “No.” Damian chuckled. “They wouldn’t know what the fuck hit them.”

  Damn straight, Pandora agreed. And you can believe that none of them would have their dicks attached when we were done.

  Wow, always straight for the dick, Katie mused.

  I call it my “Peter Principle.”

  Why? I thought the Peter Principle was related to people rising to their level of incompetence?

  No, my Peter Principle is, if you want a man to know you are serious, good or bad, go for the family jewels. There is absolutely no way he doesn’t know you are serious if you have his peter in your hand. The difference is only in the amount of squeezing you are doing.

  So, never any miscommunication?

  It’s either pleasure or pain. A binary result. And if I rip it off? That’s always bad.

  Ooookayyyy… Katie returned her attention to Damian, away from the crazy dick-snatcher lady.

  “You have my trust,” Damian told her. “And I will support you in your endeavor to unite the craziness and forge forward.”

  “Thank you.” Katie smiled. “You’ll see why it’s a good idea. You just have to be patient.”

  Korbin watched as Katie and Damian took off in the chopper. He shook his head and ducked back inside to head toward his office.

  He wasn’t sure why Katie was so hell-bent on making friends with the general, but he knew she was in for a letdown. General Brushwood might be politer than the past leaders, but he was just as conniving, Korbin had see
n it in his eyes when he had come to the old base.

  They had been snooping; trying to get the secrets, trying to find something to hold over their heads to force the weapons from their grasp.

  They are drowning out there, their military teams, and the mercs are all over it. They are trying to keep their heads above water, and making friends with the people who can do the job is the first order of business. After that, it’s all about power.

  He walked into his office and sat down at his desk, thinking about the general. He wanted the weapons, but he didn’t know quite what to do to get his hands on them.

  The weapons were the power in this situation, or at least Brushwood thought they were. Little did he know if the men couldn’t fight, if they were fragile humans, no weapons were going to make them better at demon-killing. They had teams of non-Damned trying to be superheroes, and it just wasn’t going to work. He shook his head and looked at a note sitting on top of the mess, which had his name written on it. He picked it up and unfolded it; it had Katie’s signature at the end.

  Dear Korbin,

  I knew this conversation would never happen face to face, so I figured I would write to you. Every day I watch the people on this team. I watch them laugh and cry. I watch them eat and sleep, and I watch them live…and I watch them die.

  I see the power of family, and the power of friendships getting us through every part of life. I also notice the bond you and Stephanie have. It’s subtle, but everyone sees it. You guys really care about each other. You can try to hide it all day long, but that won’t make it go away.

  One thing I’ve learned in this career or life or whatever you want to call it, is that tomorrow is not promised to us.

  Hell, I guess no one really does, but it’s a crap shoot if we will wake up tomorrow morning.

  You have a chance that not all of us will be given, and that is the chance to love again; to feel that bond between two people. I keep asking myself why the hell you wouldn’t take it.

  You have to realize something: behind all the smiles, all the laughter, all the jokes, are individuals who are all missing something or someone in their lives.

  Whether it is a past relationship or a congregation, we are all lonely in one way or another. Sure, we have each other; we have that family bond, but you know as well as I do that it is not the same as that deep-rooted intimacy you get from being in love with someone.

  Stephanie will never push you or force you to open your eyes, but I love you both and I can’t keep my mouth shut.

  Just ask Pandora.

  I envy the two of you, having the opportunity to be in each other’s lives. To feel that connection with someone; that bond. I am jealous, because I am missing that in my own life.

  Don’t let her get away, don’t wake up one day and wish you had loved her while you had the chance, because you may not have tomorrow.

  Love,

  Katie

  Korbin sighed and set the letter down on his desk, rubbing his hand over his chin. He knew people had noticed the chemistry between him and Stephanie, but he hadn’t thought about it the way Katie had explained it.

  He knew—maybe better than most—that tomorrow wasn’t promised to anyone, and at first that had been exactly the reason he hadn’t pursued anything with Stephanie.

  He didn’t want to get close to someone he could lose at any moment. However, as time passed he had formed that bond; that connection with her that he had told himself not to. If she died tomorrow he would be just as broken-hearted as if his significant other had passed.

  He cared about her, but things were complicated. They were stressful and political, and he didn’t know if it would be right for him to pull her into that world.

  He had noticed Stephanie long before she had changed back into her true self. Even as Mamacita, she’d had a spark that had pulled Korbin in like a magnet. She was loud and funny, and when she cared about something the passion was so strong you couldn’t hold it back. Still, taking the next step was terrifying.

  And he wasn’t sure if he could do it.

  17

  The Naval Air Station Joint Reserve Base was located just a handful of miles from the French Quarter in New Orleans. The base, which bustled twenty-four hours a day, housed several different branches of the military including the Army, the Marines, and of course the Navy.

  On that day there were some third-class petty officers on deck, washing down the runways. They were gathered around the smoke deck taking a small break, watching the planes run in and out of the hangars. They all stared as the G5 jet touched down on the runway and slowly approached the building.

  One of the petty officers whistled. “Would you look at that beauty? I’ve been here three years and two months, and all I’ve ever seen coming and going were military planes. This is definitely a first. I wonder who’s in that thing.”

  “Probably some high-ranking captain’s wife and their snot-nosed teenage kids,” another guy offered with a chuckle. “They always get the VIP treatment around here; like this base is so fucking prestigious.”

  “You’re just a booter,” the first guy replied with a laugh. “When’d you get out of basic? Like six months ago?”

  “So?” he shot back. “I have my crow, don’t I? Same rank as you, and you have almost four years in the service.”

  “We can’t all be fancy FCs put on light duty for a swollen wrist. I mean, how difficult is your job, anyway?”

  The other guys laughed for a moment, then went silent. The jet’s stairs had been deployed and out walked Damian, dressed in his normal long coat, shirt, tie, and dress pants, hat tilted to the side. He walked down the stairs and waited for Katie, who stepped out dressed in all black, her pants tight, her shirt tight, and her body flowing with every step. She just about stunned every man who saw her. When she got to the bottom she gave a little hop, making all the guys clear their throats.

  “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,” one guy exclaimed, his cigarette barely hanging onto his lip.

  “Who the hell are Father Scary-as-Fuck and his daughter, Hotter-than-Hell?” another wondered.

  “I doubt that’s his daughter,” the first petty officer argued. “I don’t think priests are allowed to get anyone pregnant.”

  “Like it's never happened.” The youngest petty officer stared, then shook his head. “I have to say, I’d love to be stuck in a confessional booth with her.”

  “I’d say my Hail Marys every night,” another guy commented.

  “You boys are pathetic,” the female petty officer as she pushed to the front. “All right, let me see who this chick is. Holy shit, she’s hot…and I like dick.”

  “Fucking told you,” the younger guy said smugly. “Hot as hell.”

  Pandora chuckled, since she could hear the conversation from the plane. They obviously appreciated the fine work she had put into her human; she was proud to say she had sculpted her perfectly. She purred to herself, barely audible to Katie.

  My minor modifications have definitely done the trick. She snickered. The men are falling all over themselves.

  What? Katie asked. What are you talking about?

  Oh, nothing. Just your fan club over there in that gazebo.

  Where? she asked, looking at the guys and watching them turn quickly away, acting like they weren’t staring at her tits and ass. You did this, didn’t you?

  Don’t know what you’re talking about, Pandora replied, playing innocent.

  I heard you. You said “minor modifications,” Katie growled. Two cup sizes almost overnight are not ‘minor modifications.’ You’ve made them so big and bouncy I can barely pull my shirt over them. I am going to have to start getting clothes specially made for me. I’m going to fucking look like Dolly Parton if you keep this shit up.

  I don’t know who that is, but if this Parton lady has nice tits, then hell why not?

  She’s like ninety years old and still has the tits of a twenty-something, Katie snapped. And she is respected in her community for her talen
t. Still, I don’t want to be known as “Tits McGee” for the rest of my life. You have got to stop it with the boobs.

  May I remind you that you haven’t had to wear a bra in months unless you wanted to? Pandora scoffed. Even then, you could drape a tissue over them and it would do the same thing. At least I tried to make it so your nipples aren’t hard all the time. I know how much you’d love that.

  I would murder you with my colon, Katie snarled. I’d explode my appendix so you would feel terrible.

  Don’t act all high and mighty. I saw you checking yourself out in that little t-shirt dress we bought.

  All right, Katie snapped. I admit it. Your augmentation of my breasts has actually been worth it. No more restricting bras, no more lines across my back, no more wires jabbing into my armpit from the bra coming undone. It has been a refreshing bit of freedom. I had to get used to it, but now that I have I enjoy it. They look good all the time.

  See? I know what I am talking about.

  No one believes I’m not wearing a bra, though. Katie chuckled. That lady last week at the store asked me if I was wearing one of those stick-em-on bra things. She couldn’t fathom that my breasts were just like that.

  Then she asked where you got your implants done. Pandora laughed. She didn’t believe they were natural. She like argued with you for twenty minutes, ending with that lecture on being proud of who you are and the choices you made for your body. You should have just lied and given her the name of a doctor. Or better yet, given her my name and your cell so we could have caught her trying to book an appointment.

  If you could do this to other women’s bodies from mine we would be billionaires. Katie snorted. We could call it “Mystic Boob Jobs.”

  “Magic Tits.” Pandora laughed. Thank you for calling Magic Tits. Sorry we can’t get to the phone right now, but our boobs are too big.

  Katie had to hold back her snickers as she hurried to catch up with Damian.

  Dr. Handsy and the Bewitching Boob Job. Pandora laughed. I crack myself up.