Knockout: Tapped Out Book 4

by Quinn, Cari

  God, I didn’t want to lose one of them before he’d ever truly been mine.

  “He’s tried to take care of me all these years,” I whispered. “Him and my dad. I was the focus of all their attention, the one they needed to keep safe. But I wasn’t keeping him safe. I wasn’t making sure he was okay. I just let him and my dad coddle me, without thinking about what they needed. I shouldn’t have put them in that position.”

  “You didn’t. It sounds like they wanted to take care of you. That it gave them a purpose.” He nudged my hair away from my tear-smeared eyes and pressed a kiss to my forehead. “It’s giving me a purpose now too.”

  I sniffled and shook my head. “I can take care of myself.”

  “But you realize that doing it makes them happy too? Makes me happy?” He pulled me closer. “It’s not about you not being able to do it. It’s about loving someone.”

  The lump in my throat was growing bigger by the second. “It’s my turn to do the taking care. I want to give them something back. Do you know my father hasn’t been on a date since my mother died? Not one. He deserves that. And Emerson… I know he’s avoiding seeing my dad because he feels guilty over me. Which is crazy. He’s given me so much these last few weeks. You both have. If he’s not ready for us to publicly declare—” I broke off and frowned. “What if I’m wrong? What if he wasn’t upset about that?”

  “About us admitting we’re together?” His thumbs slid over my cheeks, blotting up the tears I was barely aware of crying. Already they were drying.

  Now I was focused on Emerson.

  “Yeah. What if he was hurt we hadn’t included him?”

  JC’s brows lifted. “But he never said a damn thing about us being a real couple. Err, I mean threesome.”

  “Neither did you,” I reminded him as I eased back to tug my phone out of my purse. “Maybe he’s been struggling with wanting to. I don’t know, because he never just says.” I gripped the phone tightly without swiping it awake. “He’s so close to my dad, and God, he has to be afraid of what he’ll think.”

  “Aren’t you?”

  “Yeah.” I shut my eyes. “I’m terrified. I don’t want to hurt him, or make him worry. But I also don’t want to walk away from the best thing I’ve ever found.” JC stroked my hair and I opened my eyes, staring at him in the darkened car. “I’ve always wondered if I had my mom’s strength. But I’m tired of being weak. Of hoping one day he’ll just open up to me, and I’ll finally understand what’s going on behind that inscrutable mask he wears.”

  “You talking about your dad or Emerson?”

  “Both. But right now, Em.” I lifted my phone. “Dammit, I’m going to make him open up. I’m not going to back down until he does.”

  JC laughed softly and shifted back toward the wheel. He turned the ignition before I even asked him to. “All I gotta say is that boy’s in some serious trouble.”

  I threw back my shoulders and hit the speed dial for Emerson’s number. “You bet your fine ass he is.”

  Thirteen

  The first thing I did when I walked in the door of my apartment was head straight into the shower. I stayed in there longer than the hot water held out, mainly because I couldn’t wash away the voices in my head or the combined scents clinging to my skin. Lily and JC had imprinted themselves on my flesh in a way that mere soap and scalding water could never erase.

  The semi erection I’d had since the locker room still hadn’t abated. I’d come so hard in the shower that there was absolutely no reason I should be tempted to rub one out.

  Except for the fact that I’d watched JC fuck Lily and I’d wanted to be part of it. To share that moment.

  I wanted him to fuck me too, while Lily wrapped around us both.

  But that probably wasn’t going to happen. They were a couple. Even Lance was on board. If there had ever been a place for me with them, I must’ve screwed it up somehow. Or else I’d lost them by not putting my cards on the table.

  Too bad I didn’t fully know what those were.

  It wasn’t a matter of caring about them. I didn’t know how to make it work. Standing up to the guys in the gym and admitting I was with a girl and a guy… Yeah, that might cause me a few bad moments, but overall, I could handle it. Those opinions weren’t the ones that counted. Letting down Lance was what kept me up at night.

  The man had taken me in when I’d been at my lowest point. Though I’d technically still had a home with my mother, she’d never been much of an emotional support. When my father passed, she retreated entirely. We saw each other at holidays and on special occasions and that was pretty much it. Lance and Lily were my family, the one that I viewed truly as mine. If I lost Lance by declaring I was not only in love with his daughter, but that I was part of a triad that included her, I didn’t know how I’d survive it.

  Especially now that I had even less faith that Lily and JC wanted me to be a permanent part of them, anyway.

  I hadn’t imagined what had occurred between the three of us the last few weeks. I definitely hadn’t made up how JC had approached me after the fight. How the three of us had come together. But sex was sex, and love was love, and maybe what they felt for each other just didn’t extend all the way to me.

  Fuck, I loved them. Them. Why had it taken so long for me to realize?

  Not when it came to Lily, of course. Being in love with her was like taking a full breath and realizing you still had the capacity for more. She’d filled me up in so many ways for so long that her absence, even for a few hours, caused my aches to multiply. If I had to watch her be with another man, a man I’d fallen for too, I didn’t know if I could do it. Not because I was jealous.

  They were all I wanted. Both of them. I don’t know when I’d fallen for JC, but there was no denying it now. No pretending I could go back to my old life and dismiss my interest in him as simple attraction. The man beneath the surface fascinated me as much as the arrogant asshole façade he occasionally wore that made me want to punch him in the face.

  Or fuck him silly.

  I dropped my forehead to the tile wall and let the cool water pound over my aching neck and shoulders. As much as I wanted to stay in there all night, I had a phone call to make.

  Just because I wasn’t sure if I was truly with Lily and JC anymore—if I ever had been—didn’t mean I didn’t have to stand up and admit what I’d done. If that meant I’d end up absolutely alone, well, so be it. I couldn’t live a lie any longer.

  I finally got out of the shower a few minutes later and snapped a towel around my waist. My phone was going off where I’d dropped it on the kitchen table, but by the time I got there, it had stopped. A quick check showed me Lily had called.

  Three times.

  Hope surged in my chest, blanketing the despair that had crowded out everything else. Maybe she wanted to—

  What? What could she possibly want? JC had said he’d told Lance he was in love with Lily and wanted to date her. There was no room in that scenario for me. If there had been, he would’ve talked about it with me first, not sprung it on me in the middle of a table of our friends. He wouldn’t have said it so gleefully, almost daring me to challenge him. To say anything at all. And Lily hadn’t said a word.

  I couldn’t deal with the pity thing. Truthfully, I couldn’t deal with Lily at all right now. I was too goddamn raw.

  Ironic, then, that I had to deal with her father.

  A quick glance at the time on the oven told me it was late. Past twelve. I shouldn’t be calling now. But if I didn’t do it right this second, I’d chicken out, I knew it. Better to say it clean and set things in motion. And if I got his voice mail, well, I’d consider it a lucky break.

  I hit the speed dial and waited through several rings. When Lance answered, I was pretty certain my heart contracted hard enough to burst through the walls of my chest.

  Pussy. Man up already.

  “Lance, it’s Emerson.”

  “No kidding.” His smoke-roughened voice filled my ear. He�
��d never smoked in all the years I’d known him, but he still had the rasp from earlier efforts. “I’ve been waiting for this call.”

  I frowned. “You have?”

  “Father sense,” he said simply.

  I couldn’t swallow hard enough to make the rock in my throat subside. “You are my father,” I whispered, clutching the back of the chair in front of me. “Even more than my own ever was.”

  “Is that why you haven’t been coming by to see me?”

  My fingers hooked around the wood spindles. “I’ve been training—”

  “If you claim I’m your father, then tell me the truth.”

  Yeah, that rock in my throat wasn’t moving. “I will. But not tonight. Can I come by tomorrow night?”

  “No.” While I was trying to handle his denial, he continued on. “I’m heading in to work early tomorrow. I’ll stop by on the way.”

  I started to put him off, then realized I’d probably be up. Who was I kidding? Even if I could’ve slept in, tonight had virtually assured that I wouldn’t. And I had work.

  There was always one more thing to do to keep me from thinking too damn much.

  “Okay. I’ll be here.”

  “Whatever it is, not talking only causes stuff to fester.”

  I didn’t say anything. Talk about an understatement.

  “And I’m here to listen.” His voice softened. “And I won’t judge.”

  “Okay,” I said again, because I didn’t have the voice for anything else. Gratitude had washed away the emotion and left me hulled out. I only hoped that tomorrow I’d find the words that had escaped me tonight.

  “Goodnight, son.”

  I hesitated, tempted to ask him if Lily was home. If she was calling from there or if she was still with JC. What difference did it make? They weren’t here, and probably never would be. JC had never even seen my place, and Lily hadn’t seen the stupid new sheets I’d bought, thinking they might visit. I’d skipped what she called “manly plaid” and gone for something she might like, a pale yellow. I’d made the bed in them this morning, just in case.

  “Goodnight.” I clicked off before I broke down and asked about his daughter. Then I turned off my phone.

  A horn honking made me toss it aside and head toward the window in the living room. My apartment overlooked the street, but none of the cars I could see had the flashing lights I’d associate with a car alarm. So who was honking?

  Then came the ping-ping-ping of rocks hitting glass. It sounded like my glass. What the hell was going on?

  I walked over to the window next to the fire escape, hauling it open and stepping outside. I was only two stories up and could get downstairs fast. Let the kids or whomever must be parked in the alleyway try to start shit with me in the mood I was in, and they’d see what happened.

  A flurry of stones pelted me—shoulders, arm, left cheek—and boy, those fuckers hurt. Then came that voice, the one that twisted melody and misery together.

  “Emerson!”

  I rubbed one of the stings, cupping my cheek as I stared down at the car parked in the alley, blocking the exit for the pizza joint next door. The longer I stared, the less sense it made.

  JC’s beloved blue sports car was idling, and he was leaning on the horn while Lily—my beautiful Lily—was scrambling around on the hood and flinging pebbles. Or at least she had been until I stepped outside.

  Now she was silent, gazing up at me while the misty rain streaked down her cheeks like tears. But the horn blared on.

  “Shut that shit off,” I demanded. “You want the neighbors calling the cops?”

  The horn fell silent.

  “No. Yes. Christ, if it’ll get you to listen to me—to us—then yes, hopefully your neighbors will call the cops.” Lily shoved a hand through her damp hair and plopped back on her butt.

  “The paint job, babe.” JC’s tone was pained.

  “Oh, jeez, it’s just my ass.”

  “You have those crystal things on your pockets—”

  “I’m moving, jerkoff.”

  Listening to them argue made me smile in spite of my irritation that I’d come outside in just a towel only to have Lily hit me with rocks. Why, I didn’t know.

  Worse was that insidious sensation of hope trying to creep through my veins.

  “Why are you here?” I wasn’t sure they could hear me over the street noises and the tapping rain.

  “I tried calling and you wouldn’t answer. So it stood to reason you wouldn’t buzz us up either, and we need to talk to you.” Lily stood next to the fender and crossed her arms. JC climbed out and mirrored her pose, which nearly caused me to laugh until I remembered nothing was funny about this situation.

  Not one damn thing.

  My first inclination was to give them the tired spiel. I was exhausted. But sleep wasn’t in my future anyway, and I was done lying—to myself and them.

  “So talk.”

  JC reached out and slid her hand free from under her arm, then brought it to his lips. My gut twisted with longing and more. So much more. “I told you that I asked her father for permission to date her tonight. What I didn’t tell you is part of the reason I made that move was because—” He stopped, looking at Lily.

  “Finish it,” she said in an undertone.

  “I wanted to force you to admit you were with us too,” he said in a rush, so fast I barely made out all of what he’d said. “I thought it would make you jealous enough you’d stop fucking hiding and tell the people who matter that we matter to you.”

  I frowned. “You mean like Lily’s dad.”

  “Yes.” JC set his jaw. “And like Lily herself. And me, okay? Fucking me too.”

  My pulse sped, the street noises becoming lost under the thud in my ears. “But you never told us how you felt. After last weekend, she started backing off. Yet I’m the problem?”

  “You’ve always been the fucking problem.” JC kicked one of the tires and Lily’s mouth dropped open. “It was your fault we didn’t get together until a few weeks ago. With Lil, I would’ve made the move a year ago. Hell, two.”

  “You would’ve?” she asked softly.

  “Hell yeah. I wanted you from day one.” He jerked his chin up at me and nearly spat out the words. “And him too. The fucking bastard.”

  I gripped the railing, unsure I’d remain upright otherwise. What he was saying was hitting me harder than the pebbles had.

  “And see, he’s still not speaking. I’m standing here putting my heart on the line and what do I get? What do we get?” He might’ve not been getting anything, but the tire got another kick. “Nada.”

  “You haven’t really put your heart out there.” Lily laid a hand on his arm. “Swearing and bitching isn’t a heartfelt declaration. I haven’t said anything either,” she added as he started to argue. “But I’m going to now, and I’m going to say it clear so there’s no confusion.”

  She shifted toward me and lifted her face, letting the streetlights play over her damp cheeks and parted lips. I imagined them trembling, and how they would feel under my fingertips.

  And God, I trembled too.

  “I love you, Emerson. I’m in love with you. I don’t know when it started, exactly, but I know when it’s going to end. Never. I’m never going to stop loving you,” she said fiercely, and the fingers I’d wrapped around the railing went white at the knuckles. “You can close down on me whenever you like, you can make me have to dig out your feelings one by one with a teaspoon, but I’m still going to keep right on loving you.” She blew out a shaky breath. “So…there.”

  She jabbed an elbow into JC’s side. “Your turn.”

  “Wait, I have to go before he speaks?”

  “Yes. Heartfelt declaration. Stop stalling.” She thumped his arm. “Give him something he can’t say no to, jerk.”

  My pleasure—and relief, God, so much relief—nearly exploded into a laugh, but I fought it back. I needed to hear every word of this.

  Even knowing I’d have to retu
rn the favor in spades, I intended to soak up every syllable. And every annoyed gesture JC made.

  “What do you see when you look at Emerson?” she prompted, nudging him again. It was kind of cute, seeing her trying to pull out of him what she’d likely have to pull out of me next.

  “I see a complete asshole who I’m pretty sure hated me for months or years, mainly because I dared to get too close to his girl.”

  I nodded. That was sterling truth.

  “It pissed me off, but I also admired him for it. Because anyone who would protect someone that thoroughly had to love just as hard, which made her pretty damn lucky.” He cleared his throat and shuffled his feet, looking for all the world like a little boy who’d forgotten his homework. “I saw a guy who was decent and stand-up and good. Like I’ve always wanted to be, but always kept messing up. And I saw a guy with a really fucking hot ass. What?” he protested when Lily started whaling on him.

  Now I did laugh. I had no choice.

  He pushed a hand through his shaggy hair. “And I saw a guy I fell for, mostly against my will. One I might even love. Okay, fine, I love you.” He glared at Lily. “Happy?”

  “I don’t know if she is,” I cleared the rust out of my throat, “but I am. I never expected this. Didn’t need it, honestly, but I’m happy.”

  Even saying the word felt like tempting fate. Like if I dared to revel in this moment, something would happen to take it all away.

  When my dad was shot, we’d been playing street ball in an alley not unlike this one. Other neighborhood kids had been there, circling around my dad as they always did because he knew how to tease them in just the right way to make them smile. That gunfire had stopped everything—the game, the smiles, the laughter that I’d always found with my father even if depending on him hadn’t always been part of the equation.

  I’d expected bullets to rain down every time I took a moment’s joy since.