All That We Are

by Melissa Toppen

  “She’s twenty-seven. That’s old enough for her to have figured her shit out.”

  “I just fucking love her.” He blows out a hard breath. “I know we’re toxic for each other, but I can’t give her up. She’s it for me. She’s my person.”

  “Well, then what the hell are you waiting for?”

  “Huh?” He seems confused by my question.

  “You just sat here and said you love her. That one day you want to marry her and have kids. What are you waiting for? Maybe part of the reason things have been so up and down as of late is that she’s growing restless.”

  “You think?” He scratches his chin like he’s never actually considered this as a possibility. “I haven’t really thought of that. You might be right. She has been dropping some serious hints over the past few months. I thought it was her just being a woman.”

  “You really are fucking clueless,” I tell him, finishing off my beer before leaning forward and setting the empty bottle on the coffee table.

  Winston opens his mouth to say something else, but snaps it shut when Harlow’s bedroom door opens and light floods into the hallway.

  She appears in the doorway seconds later, dressed in a thin tank top and solid blue pajama shorts, her long hair knotted on top of her head. Her steps falter when she looks up and meets my gaze, having not realized I was still here.

  “Hey, sis,” Winston calls, not missing a beat. “You wanna join your new boss and me for a beer?”

  “I think I’m good.” She forces a smile before taking off toward the kitchen.

  “Well, would you at least mind grabbing us two more while you’re in there?”

  “Because cleaning your house wasn’t enough, now I have to add servant to my ever growing job description,” she says jokingly but with a hint of seriousness all the same.

  “Thank you for that by the way,” Winston says, giving his sister a wide smile when she strides out of the kitchen with a beer.

  “Uh huh.” She rolls her eyes, shoving the bottle into his hand.

  “What? I don’t get one?” I ask, holding up my empty hands.

  “No.” She shakes her head. “Unless you’re planning to stay on the couch tonight, you can have this.” She hands me a bottle of water.

  “Damn, dude. You sure you want her working for you?” Winston laughs.

  “Well, no one will be working for him if he drinks and then gets on that motorcycle and kills himself,” Harlow interjects, giving her brother the stink eye.

  “She has a point,” I agree, taking the opportunity to call it a night. “I should get going anyway. I’m beat,” I say, throwing in a forced yawn for good measure.

  “Lame,” Winston hollers as I cross around the couch.

  “Yeah. Yeah.” I snag my helmet off the breakfast bar before heading toward the door. “I’ll talk to you later, man. And keep me posted on the Stella situation. I’m curious to know if I’m right.”

  “Right about what?” I turn around just in time to see Harlow cross her arms over her chest, her gaze coming to me before going back to her brother.

  “Miles seems to think that Stella’s behavior is her acting out because I haven’t popped the question,” Winston tells her, a grin on his face.

  “Wait, what?” Harlow’s eyes go wide as she starts to piece it together. “Are you going to ask her to marry you?” she half squeals.

  “Maybe.” He shrugs non-committal, twisting the cap off his fresh beer before taking a long swig.

  “It’s about time.” She reaches over and playfully slaps him on the shoulder.

  “I said maybe,” he reiterates.

  “He’s going to,” I interject, not able to hold in my smile when Harlow’s eyes come to mine.

  I swear I’ve smiled more today than I can remember smiling in years. Something tells me I know why that is and yet I refuse to acknowledge it. Even if I wanted to pursue Harlow, which I’m not saying I do, it would never work.

  Even if you remove Winston from the equation, we’d never stand a chance. I can already see how it would play out. It would be fun in the beginning, but then she’d push for something serious. She’d become frustrated and hurt when I pulled back. And then eventually she’d end up hating me when I broke things off because I’m too closed off to let myself feel the things you need to feel to carry on with a real relationship.

  I’ve accepted the fact that my life will be nothing more than a string of meaningless hookups, and honestly, I prefer it that way. But when I look at Harlow, when she smiles at me the way she’s smiling at me right now, I forget why I can’t have the real thing. At least for a moment.

  But then reality starts to creep back in. I remember who I am and what I’ve done and why no one, especially not Harlow, deserves to take on the shit storm that is my life.

  I’m better off alone. At least that way no one gets hurt.

  “I’m glad you think you know me so well.” Winston swivels his head in my direction, pulling me from my thoughts.

  “I think we both know I do,” I tell him, forcing an easy smile.

  “I thought you were leaving.” He turns back around, tipping his beer to his lips.

  I laugh, shaking my head at him even though he’s not looking at me. “I’ll see you later, man,” I tell him, throwing a small nod to Harlow before quickly slipping out into the darkness of the night.

  I’ve barely made it a handful of steps when the door jerks open behind me. I turn right in time to see Harlow step out. She pulls the door closed behind her before quickly making her way toward me, stopping inches shy from where I’m standing next to the stairs.

  “I don’t know if I properly thanked you for today,” she starts, shuffling her weight from one foot to the other.

  “You don’t need to thank me,” I tell her before she has a chance to continue.

  “But I do,” she cuts me off. “Alan refused to let me work. He refused to let me have anything of my own. That’s all I wanted, to do something for me. Today you made that dream a reality. You gave me an opportunity I’m not sure I would have found otherwise. A chance to build something for myself for the first time in my life. I need you to know how grateful I am for that.” She pauses. “Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that. I promise I will not disappoint you,” she adds when I remain silent.

  “I’m glad I could help, Low.” I don’t know why, but I use the name her brother has called her for as long as I can remember. I don’t even realize that I’ve never called her that before until I see the reaction it pulls from her.

  Before I have a chance even to take a breath, her arms wrap around my middle, and she presses her cheek against my chest.

  Without thinking, I instinctively pull her closer, dropping my face into her hair as I hug her back. It’s only a brief moment before she pulls her head away and looks up at me, our eyes locking.

  I don’t know that I’ve ever seen her so open, so vulnerable, and it stirs something deep inside of me. The sudden urge to lean down and press my lips to hers comes on fast and strong, yet somehow I resist doing just that. It’s like there’s this magnetic force pulling me closer to her and yet an equally powerful one pulling me the other way.

  I don’t know how long we stand like that. Our faces inches apart gazes locked. A minute. Thirty seconds. Ten seconds. All I know is that when she pulls away it’s like she takes a piece of me with her and all I want to do is bring her back, to feel her warmth for a second longer.

  This realization is enough to rattle me to my fucking core.

  “Thank you, Miles.” She backs away slowly before turning and disappearing inside without another word.

  Chapter Ten

  Harlow

  “Knock, knock.” A light tap follows the deep voice from the hall.

  I look up to see Miles standing in the doorway of the office, his toned body clad in faded jeans and an old Jack Daniels Whiskey shirt. It’s such a casual everyday outfit yet based on the rush of want that runs through me you would think he was dr
essed to the nine.

  “Hey.” I clear my throat, sitting up straighter in my chair. “When did you get here?” I ask, having not heard him come in.

  “Just now. You didn’t hear the door chime?” He cocks his head slightly and gives me a puzzled look.

  “No.” I half laugh. “I must have been really focused.”

  “So, how’s it going?” He enters the office, crossing around the desk to stand at my left.

  “It’s going.” I tilt my face up to see him looking down at the paperwork in front of me. “I think it’ll take another couple of days to get everything in order and then I should be able to start working on a system to streamline this whole process.” I gesture to the receipts, payroll information, and invoices scattered on the desk.

  “Awesome.” He nods in approval. “Anything I can help with?”

  “Actually, yes. I need all the guys, and Delia, to sign some paperwork. The employee files are a mess, and you’re missing certain documents that are required to be on file. I printed everything out already,” I say, reaching for the small stack of manila folders sitting on the filing cabinet and handing them to him. “I started new files for each person. I figure you’ll likely see everyone sooner than I do, but if it’s an issue I’m happy to make myself available to have them do it myself.”

  “No, that’s not necessary. I’ll get these taken care of in the next couple of days. I may have to stop by Jake’s to have him do his because he’s off for the next few days, but everyone else will be in sometime through the week, and I can get it taken care of.”

  “Perfect.” I smile up at him.

  “Anything else?”

  “Nope. I think that’s it for now, but I’ll let you know if I think of anything else.”

  “Sounds good.” He tucks the files under his arm and makes his way to the other side of the office, turning back toward me right as he reaches the door. The second his hazel eyes land on mine a whoosh runs through my stomach. I grip the underneath of my chair to keep myself from physically reacting.

  God, it’s been so long since a man has made me feel so upside down. I truly don’t know what to do with myself.

  “I’ll be out front if you need me. I’ve got someone coming in at noon but feel free to interrupt if you need to ask a question or something.”

  “Okay, will do.” I smile, biting down on my bottom lip the moment he turns around and disappears around the corner.

  ——

  It’s nearly seven o’clock in the evening when I finally decide to call it a day. I’ve been so submerged in my work that I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast except for a small pack of almonds I had in my purse. To say I’m hungry is putting it mildly.

  After closing everything down and killing the office lights, I snag my purse off the chair and make my way toward the front of the shop to tell Miles that I’m heading out.

  I’ve just reached the doorway that opens into the main part of the shop when a familiar voice hits me like a sledgehammer, halting my forward movement.

  “I don’t care who the hell you are. I demand that you let me see my wife.”

  I look up to see the one person I truly never expected to see again standing daringly close to Miles, his finger pointed upward into his face.

  “Alan?” His name falls from my lips, and both he and Miles turn toward me. “What... what the hell are you doing here?”

  I look to Miles, with what I’m sure reads as panic and confusion written all over my face and then back to Alan.

  “My wife doesn’t work here, huh?” Alan squares his shoulders.

  “She doesn’t.” Miles catches him by the bicep and cuts off his path to get to me. “Because that’s not your wife.”

  “Like hell, she isn’t. Now take your hands off me.” Alan’s voice splinters through the shop. “Or would you rather spend the rest of the evening sitting in a jail cell?”

  “By all means you can try. But if you don’t get the fuck out of my shop, where I’m going to put you is going to be a hell of a lot worse than a cell,” Miles threatens, his tone so menacing a chill runs straight up my spine.

  Looking around the room, I’m suddenly aware of the various sets of eyes locked on the altercation between the two men. The shop is busy tonight, with all but two artists working and every single one with a client. Right now, is quite possibly the worst timing for something like this to happen.

  “That’s enough.” I quickly close the distance between them and me. “Miles, thank you,” I say, resting my hand on the arm that still has Alan restrained. “But I’ll take it from here.”

  I can tell by the look in his eyes that the last thing he wants to do is let Alan walk away still standing, but after several seconds he nods and releases him with a stiff shove.

  Alan stumbles back a couple of feet and immediately moves to fix his disheveled shirt. Heaven forbid anything prevents him from looking pressed and pristine – even in an altercation with a man twice his size that would likely kill him in a fight.

  “I come to talk to you, and this is how I’m treated?” He looks down at me with disgust and judgment.

  “Perhaps you should have called before coming all this way,” I tell him, quickly turning on my heel and making a straight line to the front door.

  I lead him outside and a few feet down the sidewalk before turning on him. By this point, my anger over seeing him here has reached a boiling point.

  “What the hell are you doing here, Alan?” My harsh tone causes him to stop dead in his tracks.

  “I needed to talk to you.”

  “About what? What could you possibly need to say to me that you couldn’t have said through our attorneys?”

  “I don’t want to talk to you through someone else, Harlow.”

  “Well, that’s too damn bad, Alan. You can’t just show up here, at my place of employment no less, and start causing a scene. When are you going to get it through that thick head of yours? We are over.”

  “I refuse to believe that. You’ll tire of this life, Harlow. You’ll tire of places like that and people like him.” He gestures back toward Inked. “And then you’ll come crawling home. So why not save us both the trouble and come home with me now?”

  “Are you delusional?” My voice shakes around the words, anger pooling out of me so rapidly that I can’t control the physical reaction it’s causing. “I’m never coming back to you, Alan. You are not my home. Arizona is not my home. You made sure of that when you chased me out of the state.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. I did not chase you out of the state.”

  “Yes, you did!” I explode. “By doing things like this. By showing up when you’re not wanted. By trying to force yourself on me when the last thing I want is you. I don’t want to be with you ever again. I don’t love you. So leave me the hell alone!” I pull at the ends of my hair in frustration. “What more do I have to say or do to make you hear me?”

  “You’re being childish and unreasonable, Harlow.”

  “I’m being unreasonable?” I scream, my voice cutting through the air.

  Alan straightens his posture and looks around, noticing that several people passing by have slowed to catch a glimpse of what’s going on. Unlike Alan, I don’t care who hears what I have to say.

  “You are the one who showed up here uninvited. You are the one that walked into my place of employment and got into an altercation with my boss. You are the one who’s refused to sign the divorce papers even though I’ve told you repeatedly that we are never getting back together.”

  “I just thought you needed time,” he starts, his voice low.

  “Time to what? To forget how you preferred the company of other women over that of your wife? To forget how miserable you made me? How unhappy I’ve been for years? I don’t need time, Alan. In fact, I’m happier now than I’ve been in a very long time. You cheating on me is the best thing you could have done for me. Because now I’m free.”

  “You forget everything I’ve done for you
.” Anger teeters in his voice. “You, ungrateful bitch.”

  “Leave, Alan,” I grind out, my patience long since vanished.

  “I’m not leaving. I came all this way to talk and damn it, Harlow, you will talk to me. You’re my wife.”

  “I am not your wife!” I scream. “The sooner you accept that, the better it’s going to be for the both of us.”

  “Where do you think you’re going?” Alan catches me by the forearm when I move to walk away.

  “I refuse to let you do this to me, Alan. I may not be able to control you being here, but I can control whether or not I’m here,” I grind out, our faces mere inches apart, his fingers biting into my skin. “Now let go of my arm, or we’ll add assault to the long list of things my lawyer has to use against you.”

  “If I knew you’d turn out to be so petty and spiteful, I never would have married you.” He tightens his grip on my arm.

  “If I knew you’d turn out to be such a controlling, cheating psychopath, I never would have married you,” I counter, my voice eerily calm.

  “I’m not signing those papers. I will make sure to drag it out as long as possible, and when it’s all said and done, you won’t get a dime.”

  “Don’t sign those papers and I will make sure every indiscretion of yours is made public. Everyone will know what a lying, cheating bastard you are. I don’t want your money. In fact, I’m not asking for a dime from you.” I try to pull my arm from his hold, but his grip is too tight for me to shake him. “Or didn’t your attorney tell you that? All I want is to be free of you.”

  “You’ll never be free of me.” He presses his forehead into the side of my face, his breath hot on my cheek.

  This seems to be my undoing, and every ounce of control I was struggling to keep in place falls away. I forcefully jerk backward, catching Alan off guard enough that I’m able to get my arm free. I turn, prepared to run when I hit a wall of hard chest and nearly go tumbling backward.

  “I think it’s time for you to leave,” Miles says seconds after his arm snakes around me to keep me in place.

  “I think you need to mind your own fucking business,” Alan seethes. “This is between my wife and me.”