by Jo Bartlett
The clinic they’d chosen had an incredible reputation, but it meant the waiting list for the tests there were much longer than most private clinics, so she and Brae still hadn’t had them yet, even though he’d booked a date back in February. She’d pushed him hard to agree to do this and now part of her was wishing he’d never said yes. Wanting to know the truth and knowing it for sure weren’t the same thing. Hope might be fragile, but if it was taken away altogether she had no idea what would be left behind. She’d need to be just as brave as her lovely friend, but right now she felt like the biggest coward in the world. Not to mention being a total fraud, who’d set up a support group for other women when she had no idea what she’d do if she got the same news as they’d had.
‘Oh hi, I’m looking for the infertility group, am I in the right place?’ The woman who’d just come into The Cookie Jar, looked like she might make a bolt for it at any moment.
‘Yes, that’s right.’ Anna got up on her feet, this time fighting the urge to hug a total stranger. ‘I’m Anna and this is Jess, what would you like to drink?’
‘I’m Jacinda and it’s okay, thanks, I can get my own drink.’
‘Let me get it, please.’ Anna was trying desperately hard to be welcoming, without coming on too strong, but Jacinda still looked like she could turn and head for the door at any minute.
‘Thank you.’ Smiling for the first time, Jacinda slid into one of the seats. ‘I’ll have a latte please.’
By the time Anna had ordered the latte, two more of the women they’d arranged to meet had turned up. Along with Jacinda, there was Tara and Lucy. They all looked to be at least five to ten years younger than Anna, and Jess seemed to have them all talking by the time Anna got back to the table with everyone’s drinks.
‘I’m so glad you could all make it. We’re just waiting for India, but I’m guessing maybe something has come up or she’s just running a bit late.’ Anna glanced at her phone. There were no messages on the WhatsApp group she’d set up for them and she wanted to make a start before Jacinda – who still looked a bit like a rabbit in the headlights – finally decided to do a runner.
‘Do you think we should get going?’ Jess caught Anna’s eye as she spoke, giving an almost imperceptible nod towards Jacinda.
‘Absolutely. I know I’ve messaged all of you on the forum and you’ve probably all chatted to each other, but I thought we could start with saying where we are on our journeys towards trying to get pregnant.’ Anna smiled. ‘That’s if no one minds?’
‘I’ll go first, because it’ll make everyone else feel better!’ Jess rolled her eyes, clearly having decided to adopt the bouncy side of her persona that she wore like a suit of armour. ‘I started trying for a baby about two years ago. When nothing happened we had some tests and discovered that my fallopian tubes were really badly damaged and that I’ll never get pregnant without IVF. Oh and then my husband decided to leave me, so here I am!’
‘My God, how awful.’ Jacinda clapped a hand over her mouth.
‘What an arsehole!’ Tara, who had a voice like the low rumble of thunder, looked as if she’d be ready to put Dom in a headlock were he to suddenly walk through the door.
‘That kind of sums up how we all feel about him.’ Anna gave Jess a gentle nudge. ‘Is anyone else thinking about going down the IVF route?’
‘Oh, I’m not doing that.’ Jess shook her head. ‘I’ve put in an application to do some respite fostering and I’m going to my first pre-assessment course at the end of the month, to see if they’ll let me start the process.’
‘When did you decide that?’ If Anna sounded shocked, she couldn’t help it. She’d known for a while that Jess was open to the idea of fostering and adoption, but she’d had no idea things had progressed this far.
‘Only last Monday. I read something on a fostering forum and realised it means I’m eligible to apply as a single foster carer, now that I’ve been on my own for six months. It all happened really quickly and it seemed like it was meant to be. They came out for an initial home visit to the flat on Wednesday and the fact that they had a spare space on their next Skills to Foster course put things in motion.’
‘Wow, well I think it’s a great thing to do.’ Lucy looked from Jess to Anna. ‘I’m going to be going through IVF with ICSI, because my husband’s got a very low sperm count, so the sperm will need to be injected straight into the egg to give us a shot. But we’ve already talked about using donor sperm if the first couple of rounds of IVF don’t work, because it’s more important that we end up with a baby, than whether it’s got our DNA. Henry knows being a mother is all I’ve ever wanted and he’s determined to get past how all of that might make him feel, if it comes to it. Although I’m desperately hoping it won’t.’
‘Henry sounds amazing, like the polar opposite of Dom!’ Jess pulled a face.
‘He really does.’ Anna swallowed hard; it wasn’t just Dom who fell short of Henry’s standards, because she did too. If she was as selfless as him, she’d have talked to Brae about the possibility of using donor eggs, given her age, but she couldn’t let go of the idea of having her own biological child yet. She wanted a child who was a part of her mum and dad, a part of the family she’d been terrified she’d lost forever. But sitting here and hearing how noble Henry was being, she suddenly felt like the worst kind of narcissist.
‘I froze my eggs when I was twenty-five, because I was at the height of my athletics career and I knew the time wasn’t right to have a baby, mainly because I had almost no time to meet someone.’ Tara shrugged. ‘But then, just before I retired, I met Franz, who was on the German javelin squad, and it finally felt right. And I’m so glad I did decide to freeze my eggs, because at thirty-four they’ve told me my egg reserve is like that of someone forty plus. So this is probably our only chance of creating an Olympic javelin champion together. The only thing we’ve got to decide is whether he or she represents the UK or Germany!’
‘UK all the way, we definitely need an Olympian in Port Agnes.’ Jess grinned and everyone else was smiling, even Jacinda. But the smile on Anna’s face was so forced it was painful. If Tara had been told her only chance was eggs frozen when she was twenty-five, then where did that leave Anna? A woman of almost forty. She wasn’t asking for the moon – or even an Olympic champion – just a baby who was half hers and half Brae’s. Surely that wasn’t too much to ask for. She needed to turn the focus on someone else before she lost control of her emotions and made the first support group memorable for all the wrong reasons.
‘What about you, Jacinda? Do you want to tell us a bit about your journey so far?’
‘I was born without a womb.’ As Jacinda said those six little words, the grief was written all over her face. ‘So I’m going to be using a surrogate in Ukraine, but my husband’s family don’t know about it because they’re quite religious and we’re not sure if they’ll accept the baby if they know.’
‘Really? That’s terrible!’ Tara clearly wasn’t the sort to hold back and Jacinda’s eyes had filled with tears.
‘We just don’t want to risk it, but it doesn’t help me feel any less ashamed that my body can’t do what most women’s can. Reyansh knew from the start what we were going to have to go through if we wanted to have a baby, but it doesn’t stop me feeling guilty.’
‘A baby should be all the more loved when its arrival has been so hard won, regardless of who carries it and whose DNA it has.’ Lucy frowned. ‘If the baby’s grandparents don’t realise that, then maybe they don’t deserve to get the chance to be grandparents. I know Henry’s parents won’t love our baby any less, even if we end up using donor sperm.’
‘I get what you’re saying, believe me.’ Jess’s voice had taken on a much softer tone. ‘After all, I was in foster care myself. But for some people that family heritage is really important, especially if their wider family isn’t there any more either. I think most people can come to terms with letting go of biology if they have to, for the sake of having a family
, but it’s not for everyone. That said, you deserve the support of both families, Jacinda, but only you and Reyansh know what’s right for you.’
Jess caught Anna’s eye as she spoke and she had to blink to stop the tears from coming. Jess had been through so much in her life and now Dom had let her down too, but her words had resonated with Anna more than she’d ever have guessed. They might have lost their parents in completely different ways, but Anna still felt cut adrift from that sense of belonging, that intrinsically human desire to be part of a tribe – a loss that was still shockingly raw after all this time. Letting go was easier said than done and it was yet another reason why she admired Jess so much. No one deserved to find her route to motherhood more.
‘What about you, Anna? Will you be doing IVF?’ Tara turned towards her and she shook her head.
‘We’ve got our tests next week, but being an older mum, I’m not sure if IVF will be an option if my egg quality is low. I’ve really got no idea of what our plan B might be.’ Anna hadn’t expected her voice to catch on the words in the way they did, but thankfully she had a friend she could always rely on.
‘After that, I think we all deserve a highly calorific pastry.’ Jess passed the tray to Lucy and locked eyes with Anna, giving her a reassuring smile as the other women focused on which of the delicious looking pastries to choose. It gave Anna time to regain the composure she needed to support the women sitting around the table with her. Hopefully she could find some way of helping them through their journeys, even if her road was still so uncertain. Either way, surrounding herself with other women who knew just how bumpy that road could be might just give her the strength to find a way forward, even if it was in a direction she’d never wanted to go.
Easter Sunday dawned bright and warm, as if summer had already arrived in Port Agnes. It was also Brae’s birthday, and Anna had just about managed to persuade him to have breakfast in bed before he’d leapt up and started dashing around the garden hiding chocolate eggs at a pace that would have put the Easter bunny to shame.
‘Are you sure you’re going to be able to find all of the eggs again, if the kids don’t?’ Anna kissed him, when he finally came back to the conservatory that overlooked the garden, where Anna had been sitting watching him with the doors open. He’d spent the best part of an hour emptying the huge bag that had been filled with eggs, bunnies and chicks, as well as the toy lambs the children would be able to keep after the chocolate was long gone. Given the fact that Morwenna was quite strict about what her children ate, Anna had a feeling it was going to be Uncle Brae who helped dispose of a lot of the excess chocolate.
‘It’s all up here.’ Brae pointed towards his head. ‘And never let it be said that a single piece of chocolate has ever escaped from my tracking skills.’
‘Are you going to open your birthday presents before the children get here?’ Anna had piled up his gifts by the Easter tree, but Brae was shaking his head.
‘They’ll be here any minute and we can do the presents after they’ve gone tonight.’ He took hold of her hands. ‘Easter might be the next best thing to Christmas as far as I’m concerned and a good excuse for another big celebration, but as it falls on my birthday this year, I want that bit to just be us.’
‘I hope you’re not banking on me having bought that Agent Provocateur underwear you said would suit me, as a gift to you, are you?’ She raised her eyebrows.
‘No and as long as you aren’t holding out hope of me looking sexy in any underwear you might have bought me, then neither of us will be disappointed. But then you never disappoint me.’
‘Uncle Brae, Auntie Banana!’ Brae’s nephew, Thomas, suddenly came hurtling through the side gate of the house and into the back garden. Thomas had come up with the nickname Anna Banana on the second or third time they’d met and it had stuck. Even his little sister, Ava, who was only three, used a variant of it.
‘Auntie Nana!’ Chasing along behind her brother, Ava charged into the conservatory and threw herself at Anna.
‘Hello sweet pea.’ Holding the little girl in her arms, she was reluctant to let go. For a second or two she could pretend that Brae’s niece belonged to them, the maternal pull making her squeeze a little too tightly as Ava squirmed to be set free again, so that the Easter egg hunt could begin.
‘Eggs, eggs, eggs!’ Ava and Thomas were both jumping up and down and chanting by the time Morwenna and Ryan caught up with their children. Anna couldn’t help wondering if they realised how lucky they were, but then people usually didn’t when even the greatest of gifts came easily. She’d seen parenthood up close often enough to know it wasn’t all sunshine and flowers either, but she’d still give anything to take the rough with the smooth.
‘Off you go then, Uncle Brae.’ Morwenna winked at her brother, holding up two bottles of red. ‘While I open the wine for me, Ryan and Anna.’
Twenty minutes later, Brae was still racing around the garden trying to keep up with the children who weren’t showing any sign of running out of steam.
‘Do you think I should take over for a bit and give him a break?’ Ryan swirled the red wine around his glass as he spoke, making his suggestion sound half-hearted at best.
‘No!’ Morwenna topped up all three glasses again, ignoring Anna’s protests that she didn’t want any more. ‘He’s in his element, he’s the biggest kid of the lot of them. It’s just as well you’re too old to have kids, Anna, because you’ve got a gigantic one for life!’
‘I’ve just got to check on the lunch.’ Anna just about made it to the kitchen before the first tear rolled down her cheek. Brae’s sister had twisted the knife without even knowing it. It was an incredibly thoughtless thing to say to anyone, even for someone like Morwenna who had a reputation for overstepping the mark. So Anna was going to have to blame it on her future sister-in-law knocking back too much wine, far too quickly, if she wasn’t going to resent her for the rest of their lives for touching the rawest nerve possible.
She and Brae had decided not to tell Morwenna, or any of Brae’s family, that they were trying for a baby. As lovely as they were, they could be a bit overbearing. But she’d never expected Morwenna, or any of them, to just assume they wouldn’t have a family because of her age. She wouldn’t be forty until the end of the year and there were plenty of women her age who fell pregnant; she’d seen the evidence herself. If they hadn’t been trying for over a year already, it might not have taken her breath away with quite the force that it had. But if her tears spilt onto the roast potatoes as she pretended to check them, then Morwenna only had herself to blame.
‘Are you sure you’re okay? You’ve been really quiet all afternoon and you hardly ate anything at lunchtime. I wish you’d have a sandwich too.’ Brae took the plate from Anna as she came into the lounge. He’d wanted to make her something to eat when he’d said he fancied a sandwich, but she’d insisted on making it, because no one should have to make their own food on their birthday or their anniversary. It was a tradition she’d had with her parents, from ever since she’d been old enough to make cheese on toast. For a good few years after that, until she’d mastered the ability to make anything more exotic, cheese on toast had been the dish of the day on her parents’ wedding anniversary.
‘I just had a bit too much of that good red wine that Morwenna brought over, that’s all.’
‘Maybe if you ate something, you’d feel a bit better. I mean look at this!’ Brae peeled back the top slice of bread to reveal the thickly sliced turkey and the cranberry stuffing lying on top of it. Easter was like a second Christmas in every way as far as Brae was concerned, and it was a happy accident that it had fallen on his birthday for once.
‘I might have something later. I want you to open your presents first, I’ve been waiting all day!’ She’d bought a trip to Rome for a weekend in October as Brae’s main present. As the owner of a fish and chip shop, he’d had a somewhat disloyal passion for pizza and he’d mentioned more than once that he’d always wanted to visit the Ita
lian capital. Being able to head off for a weekend was one of the benefits of being child-free and they might as well make the most of it.
‘I’ve got something for you first.’ Brae pulled a midnight-blue box out of his pocket and slid it up the arm of the chair towards Anna.
‘I know you think Easter should be like a second Christmas, but I didn’t think we were going as far as giving gifts?’
‘This is my birthday present.’
‘So why are you giving it to me?’
‘I got the inspiration from your dad.’ Brae squeezed her hand. ‘It got me thinking, when you said that he bought your mum a present every year on your birthday, to thank her for giving you to him. The best gift I’ve ever been given is you coming into my life, and so I’ve decided to mark that every year on my birthday by giving you a present to say thank you.’
‘Oh Brae, you really are too good for me.’ Anna opened the box to reveal a bangle made from hammered silver, with two linked hearts forming the clasp. ‘It’s really beautiful.’ He really was the kindest, most thoughtful man on earth. He’d filled the hole in her heart that she hadn’t ever believed anyone could. There was no way she could ever repay him for that; the only way she could even come close was by giving him the greatest gift of all – if she could.
‘When we’re together, it just works, like the hearts on the bangle that keep it together. It doesn’t need anything else; anything you added to the bangle would just be a bonus and I honestly feel the same way about us.’ Brae pulled her towards him. ‘Ryan mentioned he thought Morwenna had upset you earlier and he told me what she said.’
‘It doesn’t matter.’
‘It matters to me that she upset you and I told Ryan that if she ever pulls a stunt like that again I’m going to say some things I won’t be able to take back, but I think he’d already given her a bit of a talking to. I’m so sorry she upset you.’ He stroked her hair. ‘But what doesn’t matter to me is whether we end up having kids or not. Like I keep saying, and I’ll spend my whole life reminding you of this if I have to, in the end, as long as I’ve got you, I’ve got everything.’
