by Jo Bartlett
‘I’d never blame you, whatever the outcome. You must know that?’ Anna ran her fingers over the stained glass, the smooth surface of the panes between the leading somehow soothing, but she couldn’t look Brae in the eyes; he knew her too well. Jess was another of the Port Agnes midwives and a close friend of Anna’s, so they’d both been witness to the relationship with her husband imploding when tests had shown that Jess had no chance of conceiving a baby naturally. They were nothing like Jess and Dom, but the outcome could still be catastrophic when Anna had so much pinned on it and Brae knew that better than anyone.
‘I know you wouldn’t blame me, but what really scares me is that you might blame yourself.’ Brae took hold of her hands. ‘If you can’t have children, I’m terrified that you’ll get the thought into your head that you’re doing me some sort of favour by ending things, so I can have kids with someone else. But I don’t want kids with someone else. I don’t want anyone else full stop. I want you and nothing else matters to me as much as that.’
‘You say that now—'
‘I’ll always say it.’
‘I can’t carry on like this, Brae, not knowing whether there’s still a chance or not.’
‘All right, if you promise me that, whatever the outcome, you won’t get the idea into your head that I’ll be better off without you, because I can promise you I won’t.’ Brae squeezed her hands.
‘I promise. I just want to know what we’re dealing with, that’s all.’ Anna was trying to convince herself as much as him, but she’d worry about coming to terms with the outcome when she knew what it was. For now she just needed to know.
‘In that case, you’d better open your card.’ Brae passed her the envelope he’d been holding and she opened it as instructed. As she took it out of the envelope, a printed piece of paper dropped out. Picking it up she read the email on it, confirming appointments for herself and Brae with the fertility clinic for a full suite of tests.
‘I thought you were dead set against it?’ Anna widened her eyes, her heart racing in her chest with a mixture of excitement and terror. They were going to know at last. She didn’t think Brae could top the Valentine’s gift of the stained-glass picture, but he’d just done it.
‘All I needed was your promise that it won’t change things between us, but I’d do anything to make you happy, Anna, because it’s the thing that makes me happiest too.’
‘I don’t deserve you, Brae Penrose, but I’ve got another present for you before we go downstairs.’ Anna leant towards him, her fingers quickly undoing the buttons on his shirt. Maybe Brae was right to worry about how she’d handle the outcome of the tests, but for now all she wanted to do was show him just how much she loved him.
5
‘Are you sure we’re not the only people in the world doing this, or at least the only adult couple with no kids?’ Anna stood back as Brae reached up to hang a painted egg on the Easter tree, which was standing on the windowsill in the bay window at the front of their house. He’d managed to transform Christmas since they’d first met and had given her so many reasons to feel like celebrating again. Now it was Good Friday and, as much as she might laugh at how all out he was going, Brae was managing to make her feel that same childlike joy at Easter too.
‘I don’t care if we are. After the storm, it feels like we’ve got more to celebrate than ever, so I’ll be taking every chance that comes along to do it.’ Brae wrapped his arms around her, but she still couldn’t think about the day of the storm without experiencing a physical reaction. ‘Hey, what’s up? You’re shaking.’
‘Nothing, I’m just a bit cold.’ Anna pushed the unwanted thoughts away. ‘Easter with all your family here is going to be brilliant, I can’t wait to get married and officially become part of the Penrose family!’
‘You might not be saying that after tonight; you don’t know how lucky you got that we were away for this last year. My sister’s fancy dress parties are actually categorised as a cruel and unusual punishment under UN conventions.’
‘I’m sure it’ll be great fun, although I’m still not sure the outfit I’ve made will pass muster. It’s a shame we weren’t just allowed to buy them.’ Anna glanced across at the costumes laid out on the table in front of her. They still weren’t finished and they had less than two hours until Morwenna’s party.
‘Those are Morwenna’s rules and you know what a stickler she is for all of that. I think it’s so she can more or less guarantee she looks better than anyone else.’ Brae grinned. ‘Although she can’t award herself the winning prize she always gives out, I think it’s enough to know she’s got the best outfit, bless her. She still hasn’t forgiven us for missing it last year, though, so I didn’t dare try to come up with an excuse.’
‘There’s a prize? Not that I think I’m in any danger of winning.’
‘Usually she makes quite a big thing of it, but this year all the losers are going to be penalised and asked to make a donation to the lifeboat station rescue fund.’
‘That’s a great idea. I wish I could do more to help Ella with all of that, but with the wedding coming up and work it’s—’
‘No one expects you to take all this on as well. Anyway, from what I’ve heard, Ella has turned into a campaign chief overnight.’
‘She’s achieved more already than most people could in a year. But I’m at least going to make the effort to create the most ridiculous fancy dress outfit possible.’ Anna took Brae’s hand, pulling him towards the sofa by the coffee table. ‘What won last time you went?’
‘I think last year’s was someone dressed as a bottle of Heinz ketchup. At least my outfit covers up a multitude of sins and no one will know how far behind I’ve got with my wedding diet.’
‘Your body is perfect as it is, I keep telling you that.’ Anna ran her hand across his chest and he met her gaze.
‘Maybe if I was aiming for a dad bod.’
‘It’s perfect to me.’ Anna tried not to flinch at the mention of the word ‘dad’. They’d agreed not to talk about babies any more until after their fertility tests. One of the things they’d agreed in the meantime was for Anna to take a break from monitoring her temperature and buying expensive ovulation test kits at a rate that was in danger of equalling the national debt.
She’d also agreed not to keeping going through the ‘what ifs’ until they knew for certain what they were dealing with. It had turned out to be impossible for Anna to stop going through those ‘what ifs’ in her head, though, even if she couldn’t talk to Brae about them. His response was always the same anyway; as long as they had each other they could deal with the rest. So she’d turned to an internet support group for women who, like her, were in the throes of desperately trying to conceive. She’d even arranged to meet up, face to face, with a few of the forum members who lived locally. Jess was going, too, and it was a relief to feel as if she was building a ready-made support group if the worst really did come to the worst.
‘As long as you can deal with me having a body like this, that’s all that matters. Although I still can’t get over someone like you wanting to be with someone like me. A big ginger lumberjack impersonator, who needs three showers at the end of the day just to wash off the smell of fish and chips.’
‘Don’t be daft, I’m the one who got lucky. You’re the nicest guy I’ve ever met and everyone else says the same.’
‘Nice guys come last, at least until now.’ Brae put his arms around her again and suddenly putting the finishing touches to their fancy dress costumes was the last thing on her mind.
‘Have we got time to, you know…’ She’d never been the sort to manage a come-hither look without feeling like a complete idiot.
‘I’ve always got time for that, but we did it yesterday.’
‘Are you complaining?’ If Brae was thinking of turning her down in favour of blowing up the balloons that were an essential part of her costume, then perhaps she’d better start working on that come-hither look sooner rather than later.
‘Never! But I thought you said we could only do it every other night to maximise the chances of conceiving.’
‘And we agreed that we’re taking a break from worrying about all of that. I just want to do it when we want to, not because my temperature’s spiking on some chart, just like we said.’
‘I can’t blame you for being unable to resist this body.’ Brae grinned again, pretending to pull a muscleman pose.
‘I’m only human.’ Grabbing his hand, Anna pulled him down onto the sofa, shutting out the rest of the world. Brae had told her time and again that having each other was all that mattered and, when she was lying in his arms, for a little while she could actually convince herself it was true.
‘I was starting to wonder if you were going to make it.’ Ella hugged Anna as she and Brae arrived at Morwenna’s party, a good half an hour after it had been scheduled to start. She’d do anything for her best friends, but even she drew the line at making her fancy-dress costume and then being stood up by the people whose idea it was for her and Dan to tag along.
Dan was an artist and property developer, so normally he’d be the first one up for a creative project. The trouble was, he’d been so busy working on the renovation of an old chapel down in Port Tremellien, that the creation of the fancy dress costumes had been down to Ella, which was why he was now dressed as he was – a flash of lightning cut out from an old cardboard box, painted silver, and safety pinned to his jumper.
For some reason Morwenna’s central heating seemed to be on full blast, even though almost all of her guests were wearing extra layers because of their costumes. Ella’s own creation was designed to be teamed with Dan’s. She had an old umbrella with holes cut in it and a shirt covered in scorch marks, as if she’d just been struck by the bolt of cardboard lightning pinned to Dan’s chest. But if she’d felt inadequate about the design, seeing Anna and Brae’s creations made her feel a bit better. Poor Brae was encased in plastic, dressed as a human Twister mat, created, it seemed, by just cutting a hole in the centre of the plastic sheeting that was the basis of the game.
‘Sorry, we left the finishing off of our costumes a bit late.’ Anna gave an apologetic shrug.
‘Well, you’d never guess it!’ Ella couldn’t help laughing and Anna gave a twirl.
‘You’re just jealous because you didn’t think of dressing in a see-through bin bag filled with balloons!’
‘It’s great. But I’ve got to ask one question.’ Ella laughed again. ‘What are you actually supposed to be? I’m thinking haemorrhoids, but I’m desperately hoping I’m wrong!’
‘Oh God!’ Anna could hardly get the words out for laughing. ‘I’m supposed to be a bag of jelly beans and all the balloons were meant to be different colours, but the only ones I could find were the red ones. I couldn’t remember where I’d put the others and, as we were running late, I didn’t have much choice!’
‘Well I think Brae’s going to win the prize.’ Dan winked as he shook his friend’s hand, making the plastic mat he was wearing rustle like crazy. ‘I think the glitter in the beard is a particularly nice touch.’
‘We just thought it needed a bit more than the plastic mat and it was all we had time to come up with. I don’t think Morwenna’s going to be very impressed with our efforts!’ Anna seized the glass of wine that Dan handed her, like it was a life raft.
‘Well I think the glitter works for you. Maybe it’s something you should think about for the wedding. Dan could do his eyebrows to match, you know, as best man.’ Ella didn’t need to look at Dan to know what expression he’d be wearing.
‘You’re just full of good ideas lately, aren’t you?’
‘It’s not my fault you left the design of our fancy dress outfits to an amateur like me, Dan, when we had an artist in the house.’
‘If my sister doesn’t turn the heating down soon, I’ll be standing here in nothing but my underwear and only the glitter in my beard to make it look like I’m joining in. It’s hot enough to toast bread in here.’ Brae clawed at the neck of his plastic cape.
‘The thermostat’s broken.’ Morwenna’s husband, Ryan, paused on his round of topping up empty glasses. ‘But if we don’t want guests to start passing out on us, I think we’re going to have to move the party outside.’
‘Do you want us to light the fire pit for you?’ Brae didn’t even wait for an answer, disappearing out into the garden, with Dan hot on his heels.
‘Man make fire. Funny how it turns even the most modern men into cavemen.’ Ella turned to Anna, noticing for the first time just how much glitter her friend had in her hair. ‘It looks like you two had a lot of fun making your costumes!’
‘The whole day has been perfect.’ Anna swirled the wine around in her glass. ‘Do you ever wish you could freeze time, to stop anything from changing?’
‘Sometimes. Are you worried that something’s going to change for the worse?’ Ella still hadn’t quite managed to shake off the hangover of anxiety from Dan and Brae almost drowning in the storm, even though nearly three months had passed. For the first two or three weeks after the boys had been rescued, she’d woken up with a start every night, caught up in nightmares that had a far from happy ending. So she wouldn’t have blamed Anna if that had affected her too.
‘It’s nothing I can put my finger on. I suppose it’s just that I haven’t been this happy since before I lost Mum and Dad. I just need to learn to trust the feeling. I feel like I owe the universe for all this good karma and I wish I was doing half as much as you to help save the lifeboat station.’
‘You’ve done more than enough, I just take these things to extremes. Dan calls me the queen of campaigners; I think it’s when I’m most like my dad. I get a bee in my bonnet and I just can’t let things go!’
‘Thank goodness for that. Losing the lifeboat station would be such a tragedy and I still can’t bear to think about what might have happened if they weren’t around.’ Anna looked pale at the prospect.
‘I’ve stopped having nightmares about it every night, but I still reach out in the early hours sometimes to check that Dan’s still there.’
‘We were so lucky and if that’s my share of luck used up for life, I’ll always be beyond grateful that it was used for that.’
Anna hesitated for just a second, looking like she might be about to say something else, before Morwenna blustered into the room, wearing a Little Bo Beep outfit that looked like it had been made by a whole team of professionals. She might not be eligible to win her own competition, but that clearly hadn’t stopped her going all out.
‘Okay, let’s move this party outside!’ Morwenna gestured towards the bifold doors at the back of the room. ‘My brother and his friend have got the fire pit roaring and the pergola will make the perfect platform for everyone to stand up and give us a little twirl before we decide who this year’s grand winner of the DIY fancy dress is.’
‘I wouldn’t be surprised if Brae and Dan’s costumes weren’t already merrily burning in the fire pit, just so they can avoid that! Although if Brae burns his, Port Agnes will be shrouded in a cloud of toxic smoke.’ Anna linked her arm through Ella’s as they headed towards the doors that led out to the garden.
‘Me neither! You might not want to get too relaxed out there, though. Not with all this plastic so close to an open flame; you’re approximately ninety per cent flammable by my reckoning!’ Ella shook her head, both of them laughing. Anna was right, they were so lucky, and they had to save the lifeboat centre whatever it took. Dressing up like a haemorrhoid and a lightning scorched bystander might just be the start.
6
The sensation in Anna’s stomach felt like a netful of butterflies desperate to escape. It was a bit like a first date in some ways, but she wasn’t just meeting one new person, she was meeting four. Thank God she had Jess with her.
The Cookie Jar, a coffee shop on the high street, was the venue for the first meeting of the Port Agnes infertility support group. Anna had considered asking permis
sion from the trust to make the group official, but she knew better than anyone that the midwifery unit could be a difficult place for someone desperately wanting a baby. Bumping into pregnant women and new mums was hard enough in everyday life, without surrounding the women she and Jess were about to meet with those things.
‘How are you feeling?’ Anna looked at Jess, after the waiter put the tray of pastries they’d ordered onto the centre of the cluster of tables which had been reserved for their meeting. It had been almost six months since Jess’s marriage to Dom had collapsed in the wake of discovering her own infertility and she seemed to have bounced back without too many problems. Jess was a bit of chameleon at times though, switching between being the party girl of the unit and closing down into herself. She’d confided early on in her friendship with Anna that she’d been through the foster care system and that it hadn’t always been easy, so she’d probably had to learn to be resilient and self-reliant when she needed to. But Anna wanted to make sure that Jess really was as okay as she seemed.
‘I’m fine, I’m just really keen to meet everyone and see what options they’re looking at. Although I’m guessing I’m in a slightly different position to everyone else, given that it would take a second immaculate conception for me to fall pregnant, even if my insides were capable of doing their job!’ Jess’s laugh didn’t quite ring true and Anna had to fight not to hug her, knowing that might tip Jess over the edge when she was clearly trying to hold it together. Discovering that her fallopian tubes were so badly scarred that she could never get pregnant naturally had been a hammer blow. Her husband leaving in the wake of that would have made most people curl up and hide, but not Jess. She seemed determined to find something positive to take from it all and Anna just wished she had half her friend’s strength.
