by Jo Bartlett
‘I’d never have forgiven you if you’d died.’ She pulled away slightly. ‘Why didn’t you wait for someone to come and get you?’
‘We did, but then the water started coming on so fast and it looked like there was a break in the storm. We could see the cliffs at Titan’s Head and we were debating whether to head there and try and hole up in one of the coves, if we couldn’t make it to the far end of the beach. We knew we didn’t have long to decide, with the black sky rolling in from further up the coast. So we tossed a coin.’
‘That’s how you decided?’ Anna might have laughed if she’d heard the story from someone else, but for Brae and Dan to take such a huge risk on the basis of a coin flip was crazy.
‘Heads we went for it and tails we just put the life jackets on and hoped the lifeboat crew got to us before the boat sank.’ Brae gave her another apologetic look. ‘I lost something on the way back.’
‘What?’ Whatever it was, it didn’t matter.
‘Mum sent me some pearl earrings that she wanted you to wear for the wedding as your something borrowed and I realised I still had them with me. I didn’t want to leave them on the boat, so I zipped them in the inside pocket of my coat. But then the kayak capsized just as we reached Titan’s Head and the coat was weighing me down when we started to swim, so I had to take it off. I tried to keep hold of it, but it slipped out of my hand and the waves carried it back out to sea before I could grab it again. I just couldn’t risk going after it.’
‘Too bloody right you couldn’t!’ Anna loved Brae because of how good-hearted he was, but sometimes he definitely took it too far. ‘I’m sorry your mum lost her earrings, but I know she’d much rather have you. And it goes without saying that I would too.’
‘She wore the earrings when she married Dad, and it meant a lot to her that we’d share something they had on our wedding day. But you’re right, we’ll just need to find you something else borrowed for the wedding, we don’t want to risk any bad luck.’
‘I think the less risks we take from now on the better, especially you!’ Anna brushed her lips against his, which looked bruised and cracked from exposure to the weather.
‘I wouldn’t want to risk missing out on all of this. Even getting told off by you is exciting.’ He grinned and pulled her closer to him again.
‘And we just get the fish course from the Red Cliff Hotel’s usual supplier, right? From a professional who knows not to sail straight into the eye of a storm.’
‘Whatever you want.’ He didn’t sound as if he wanted to put up a fight. ‘And given that I don’t think I’ve even got a boat now, I guess fishing trips are off the agenda for a while.’
‘Thank God for that.’
‘Knock, knock.’ Ella pulled back the cubicle curtain as she spoke. ‘Sorry, we’re not interrupting anything are we?’
‘Just my fiancée laying down the law about any future fishing trips.’ Brae winked.
‘As long as you know from the start who’s boss,’ Ella laughed as she came into the cubicle, holding Dan’s hand.
‘How are you doing, Dan? Apart from the obvious black eye that is.’ Anna winced as she looked at him. He could barely open his right eye it was so swollen.
‘The oar hit me in the face when we capsized. They thought I might have fractured my cheekbone, but I got lucky and it’s just bruising, so hopefully they’ll be discharging me in a bit.’
‘I think we all got very lucky.’ Ella shot him a pointed look and turned to Brae. ‘What about you, are you being let out early for bad behaviour as well?’
‘I’ve broken a couple of bones in my hand, but they said they’d try a splint first, rather than a cast.’
‘Why didn’t you say anything?’ Anna hadn’t even stopped to ask him if he was in pain, she’d been too relieved that he’d still been in one piece. When he’d held on to her as tightly as he had, she’d never have guessed he’d hurt his hand.
‘I forgot about the pain as soon as I saw you.’ His ruddy cheeks coloured to a deeper shade of red.
‘So now you realise what you could have lost, I hope you haven’t got anything too exciting planned for the stag night when it comes around?’ Ella narrowed her eyes, looking from Brae to Dan.
‘After today, I think a quiet drink or a meal in Casa Cantare will be more than enough. I’m not sure I could carry off missing eyebrows in the wedding photos anyway!’ Brae laughed again and Anna shook her head.
‘I love you, but definitely not.’
‘I’m glad to hear it too.’ Ella turned to her friend. ‘Did Brae tell you that if this had happened in a year’s time, the lifeboat crew might have had to come down from Port Kara? If that had happened and they’d already been on another job, it might have been too late by the time they got to Titan’s Head.’
‘No, I haven’t really given him the chance to fill me in.’ Anna looked at Brae.
‘We were swimming towards the cove at Titan’s Head when they found us. I don’t know if we’d have made it all the way in if they hadn’t, but they told us on the way back that the Port Agnes lifeboat station has been shortlisted for closure, because of the cost of repairs needed and the number of other lifeboat stations nearby.’
‘We can’t let it happen!’ Ella’s voice had gone up at least an octave. ‘If we start spreading the word and set up a fundraiser, I’m sure we’d be capable of saving it between us. It’s got to be worth a shot after what they’ve done for us today.’
‘When we send out the wedding invites we were planning to ask people to make a donation to a charity of their choice, if they want to, instead of buying us presents. So maybe we could point them in that direction too?’ Anna was just as determined as Ella to help out the lifeboat crew who’d risked everything to save Dan and Brae.
‘Brilliant, and I think I might have an idea for an Easter-themed fundraiser. If you can cope with that on top of organising a wedding!’ Ella laughed and Anna smiled, despite the sudden sense of foreboding that had washed over her at the mention of the wedding. It was just the stress of the day they’d had, that was all. So why couldn’t she shake the feeling that, when it came to bad luck and the wedding, the worst might still be to come?
Anna and Brae were sitting at the end of a row of plastic chairs, waiting for the hospital pharmacy to make up the prescription for painkillers that the A & E doctor had written for Brae. Ella had gone down to the ultrasound department with Dan, to wait for him while he had a second X-ray to double-check that there was no damage to his jaw, since the whole area from his cheekbone to his chin was badly bruised.
‘Are you okay? You look a bit pale.’ Brae took Anna’s hand. ‘I’m so sorry if I gave you a fright.’
‘I’m fine. We redheads are always pale in January, you should know that as well as I do!’ Anna forced herself to smile, even as another twinge of pain tightened in her stomach and fear gripped her spine. She told Ella that she hoped she wouldn’t have to come to terms with not having a family with Brae and there’d been a reason for that, which she’d been hugging to herself until she was sure. But now she had a horrible feeling that her little secret would never be any more than that. ‘I’m just going to nip to the loo.’
‘Okay, sweetheart, I’ll see you in a minute.’ He looked up at her again as she stood up. ‘Are you sure you’re all right?’
‘I’m fine, I promise.’ Even as she turned away from him, her eyes filled with tears as the pain stabbed again – she was almost a hundred per cent sure now what it meant. Her period was nearly two weeks late and she’d resisted testing until now because she’d had this weird idea about tempting fate. Even telling Brae that she might finally be pregnant had felt like she’d be jinxing things and she hadn’t been able to bear the thought of it not being true. So she’d kept the secret hope to herself, waiting until her mum’s anniversary to do the test. If the test had shown she was pregnant, it would have given her a positive memory of the day that had signalled the start of the worst time in her life. If it had been negat
ive, it couldn’t have made the anniversary of that day any more painful than it already was. She didn’t need to bother now though.
As much as she’d expected it, the obvious sign that she wasn’t pregnant had made her throat close and she couldn’t stop sobbing as she sat in the cubicle. Brae would be waiting and worrying by now, but she had to get control of her emotions before she went back out to him.
‘Anna, are you still in here, I’m really worried about you.’ When Brae called out, more than ten minutes later, she’d finally managed to stop sobbing, but every time she wiped away the tears that were still falling, they just filled her eyes all over again.
‘Just go back outside. I’ll be there in a minute, I promise.’
‘Just tell me what’s wrong.’
‘There’s nothing wrong.’ The crack in Anna’s voice gave the lie away; it was no good trying to protect Brae, he was going to see right through her.
‘You’ve got one minute and then I’m coming in and this time I’ll break the door down if I have to.’
‘Okay, just go, please!’ Waiting until she heard him leave, Anna finally opened the cubicle door and caught sight of herself in the mirror. Her face was blotchy and her red-rimmed eyes weren’t going to let her get away with giving Brae a brush-off answer about why she was so upset. It was time to face the music.
‘Oh sweetheart, what’s wrong?’ He pulled her into his arms as soon as she stepped out into the hospital corridor, not giving a damn about the people going past who were already staring in their direction.
‘Let’s go outside, I know it’s freezing but I need some air.’
‘Of course, whatever you need is fine by me.’ Brae took hold of her hand with his good one and led her outside, waiting as she took a shuddering breath.
‘I’m not pregnant.’
‘Did you think you were?’ Brae’s tone was so gentle, all she could do was nod and he suddenly lost all the colour in his face too. ‘Is it a miscarriage? I can go back inside and get a doctor? Oh Anna, I don’t know what to do to help, but I need to make sure you’re okay. I can’t risk anything happening to you.’
‘It’s probably just a late period, I don’t know.’ Anna bit her lip, tears still spilling down her cheeks. ‘If it’s a miscarriage, it’s really early.’
‘You didn’t do a test then?’ Brae knew she’d spent a small fortune on tests in the last twelve months, but for once she’d resisted and now she’d never know if she’d actually been pregnant.
‘Not this time, I just wanted to wait a bit longer.’ Anna rested her head on his shoulder as he stroked her hair. ‘I wish I had now, at least then I’d know that I’m actually capable of getting pregnant.’
‘As long as you’re okay, that’s all that matters to me, and it worries me to death how much stress you’re putting yourself under with all of this.’ Brae stepped back, putting a hand under her chin so she had to look up at him. ‘You’re all I need to be happy.’
‘You say that, but it’s only because you don’t know what you’re missing out on.’ Anna’s throat was still burning with the effort of talking through the tears. ‘My dad was like that. He loved his job and my mum so much and it was the reason they never bothered finding out why Mum couldn’t get pregnant, but when I came along that all changed. He loved being a dad so much and he always said that I was the greatest gift my mum ever gave him. That’s why he bought her a present every year on my birthday, just to thank her. I can’t bear the thought of you missing out on that, I just can’t. And I can’t stand the thought that I won’t ever have a family again. It’s been seventeen years since I had one and I always thought that one day I’d be able to make that right again.’
‘We’ll find a way sweetheart.’ Brae held her close as she started to sob again.
‘What if we don’t?’
‘We will, but I want you to remember that you’ve got a family already. You’ve got me, and Mum and Dad now. You’ve got my sister and her family too. I know Morwenna can be as annoying as hell at times, but that’s how siblings are supposed to be. You’re not on your own any more, Anna, and we all love you so much.’
‘I know and I do realise how incredibly lucky I am to have you. It’s what I told Ella when we found out that you and Dan were okay and it’s greedy to ask for more than that.’ Leaning into him again, she desperately wanted to say the words she knew Brae was longing to hear – that it wouldn’t matter to her either as long as they had each other. But despite what she’d said to Ella, she just couldn’t do it; not because she’d didn’t love Brae so much that it scared her, but because she did love him that much. She wanted to give him everything, just like he’d given her, and she just wasn’t ready to accept that she probably never would.
4
Valentine’s Day had never been a big deal for Anna, at least not until it had started serving as a reminder of the aftermath of losing her father. She’d certainly never seen it as a reason to celebrate, before she’d met Brae. Greg, the last long-term boyfriend she’d had before Brae, had said it was just a con trick that retailers had come up with to part the foolish and their money even more easily than usual. She hadn’t been able to come up with a very convincing argument that he was wrong and it had never held that much meaning for her either before. Brae was the sort of person who would happily celebrate at every given opportunity, though. On their first Valentine’s Day together, he’d woken her up really early and insisted they walk down to the lookout point and watch the sun come up beyond the harbour. He’d packed a picnic with hot chocolate and pastries that were still warm to the touch. It beat any fancy meal in a restaurant hands down and it was just the start of a day that Anna would never forget. So it was no surprise to see Brae standing at the foot of the bed clutching a beautifully wrapped parcel, when she opened her eyes on 14 February.
‘Watching someone while they sleep could be considered weird, you know!’ Anna laughed as Brae shrugged, pushing herself into a sitting position and leaning up against the pillows behind her. If it had been anyone but Brae watching her, she’d have worried that she might have been dribbling or snoring, and that her inability to be perfect, even in sleep, could send him running for the hills. Except, for the first time since her parents had died, he’d convinced her that she was loved unconditionally. For some reason Brae seemed to think she really was perfect, and not even seeing her lying in a pool of dribble would change his mind. He’d seen her at her worst already – ugly-crying over things she couldn’t change – and he’d just held her until she’d finally been able to stop.
‘I don’t care if it’s weird, it’s my favourite way to start the day.’ Brae sat on the edge of the bed. ‘I’ll make you breakfast after you’ve opened this.’
‘Thank you.’ She leant forward and kissed him quickly, keeping her lips clenched together, conscious of the fact that she hadn’t cleaned her teeth yet. ‘Your present is downstairs.’
‘Let’s just get yours open first.’ He started to peel back the paper at one end for her – so impatient for her to open her gift – but then he pulled his hand away. ‘Sorry, I just really want to know if you like it.’
‘If you bought it for me, I’ll love it.’ Anna peeled back the rest of the paper and let go of a long breath. ‘Oh Brae, it’s gorgeous!’ There was a stained-glass artist whose work had been on display in the window of Pottery and Paper, the art gallery in town, since before Christmas. But she’d never seen a piece like this before. It was a colourful scene, with a camper van in the centre and a representation of Port Agnes in the background.
‘I got the artist’s details from a card in Pottery and Paper, and I emailed to ask her if she’d ever made anything with a camper van on. And, as luck would have it, she’d just made this.’ Brae smiled again and it was all Anna could do not to leap on him, teeth cleaned or not. She’d told him about her camper van trips with her parents not long after they’d got together, to explain the reason why she had so many reminders around the house. There were camper van
salt and pepper pots, a biscuit tin in the shape of a camper, which her mum had bought on a trip to Wales, and even a set of coat hooks, each set into a tiny wooden camper. If it was kitsch she didn’t care and neither, it seemed, did Brae.
‘It’s so lovely. It’s even the same colour as Vanna.’ The camper van was picked out in sky blue and cream-coloured glass, the colours that her dad had kept Vanna painted, in homage to her origins as an ice cream van.
‘That’s what I thought, as soon as she emailed me a picture. I’m really glad you like it.’ Brae stroked her cheek, holding her gaze. ‘I promise, one day we’ll buy a real one.’
‘They’re so expensive.’ Anna had dreamt about owning a camper again one day, ever since her parents had died and she’d been forced to sell theirs because the thought of keeping the old van and going on trips in it without her parents was impossible to contemplate. She’d wanted to replace Vanna for a while now, but some of the campers she’d looked at were more expensive than a terraced cottage in parts of Cornwall. It was silly, but the idea of owning one still went hand in hand with her whole vision of family life.
‘Once we’ve got the wedding out of the way, I’m going to start saving for one.’ Brae dropped her a wink and she didn’t have to ask if he was joking about getting the wedding out of the way, like it was an inconvenience – he’d come up with more ideas than she had. There was something else they might need to use the money for after the wedding, though, and Anna steeled herself to say it.
‘Maybe we should save for fertility treatment. You know, if the tests show we need it.’
‘You know how I feel about having the tests.’ Brae’s voice was as gentle as ever, even though they’d had the conversation several times before. ‘You saw what happened to Jess and Dom when they found out why they couldn’t have kids and I can’t bear the thought of losing you.’
