Firewalker

by Josephine Angelini

  Lily got a kick out of watching her favorite movies and TV shows with the excuse that they were “educational” for Rowan, although his response to certain movies wasn’t what she’d expected. More than once, she’d found herself defending the awesomeness of Star Wars or The Matrix when Rowan shrugged derisively at both Luke Skywalker’s and Neo’s fighting skills.

  “It looks fake,” he’d said apologetically. “And there’s nothing special about being able to run up walls or do back flips over an opponent. That’s kid stuff for a mechanic who has even a halfway competent witch. And the way Skywalker handles his weapon”—he rolled his eyes—“twirling it around like a toy so it makes a cool noise. What an idiot.”

  “But Luke is in space. You can’t fly through space in a spaceship,” Lily had argued, deeply offended for Luke’s sake.

  “No. But I don’t need to,” he’d replied, pulling Lily close. “All I need is you and I can go anywhere.”

  “But it’s not the same,” Lily insisted weakly. He nuzzled her neck and the part of her that wanted to argue with him dissolved completely. “You’re impossible,” she sighed, before melting against him.

  “Anthony Bourdain is on,” Rowan had said, grabbing the remote.

  “Whatever you want,” Lily sighed, relenting. He loved cooking shows and travel shows more than anything else, and if he found a show that combined the two he watched it obsessively. Lily couldn’t say no, even if those shows made her want to eat the entire refrigerator.

  If the days were fun, the nights were nothing short of spectacular—although still frustrating for both Lily and Rowan. He would only let her explore so far, and then he’d insist they separate. His dreams were getting increasingly vivid, however, and Lily suspected that it wouldn’t be long before he realized that they had taken it slow for long enough.

  Lily had even seen her father. That visit had been less than fun, but at least he’d stopped threatening to involve child services once he saw how improved Lily was. Even her dad had to admit that Rowan’s doctoring was nothing short of miraculous, although he stubbornly refused to use the word “magic.”

  And now all that was about to change. Lily was going to go back to school and leave Rowan behind. Even the thought of being separated from him for eight hours a day was intolerable, but what bothered her more was that he seemed to want her to go.

  “Check again,” Lily pleaded. “The bottoms of my feet still feel a bit tender.”

  Rowan gave Lily a doubtful look.

  Lily, you have to go back to school.

  But you won’t be there.

  I’ll be here, taking care of your mother.

  “If your feet start to bother you, you’ll just have to go to the nurse,” Samantha said regretfully. Lily nodded her head in acceptance. She knew there was no putting Simms off forever. “And, you should call Tristan,” her mother added. Samantha’s eyes darted over to Rowan, and then away pointedly. “Have you two discussed how much you’re going to tell him?”

  Lily was momentarily stunned. She hadn’t thought much about her Tristan since she’d been back, which she could hardly believe. But Rowan had thought about him. He wasn’t surprised at all by this question.

  “I’ve only met this version of Tristan once, but I can tell he’s got just as much skill as a mechanic as the one in my world. He’s going to sense the change in Lily.” Rowan ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “He’s going to be drawn to your willstones without knowing why.”

  “So what should we do? Tell him?” Lily tried to picture that conversation. She laughed out loud at the thought. “No way. The Tristan here is never going to believe it.”

  Rowan’s face was grim. “You don’t know what it’s like to be a mechanic and be near a witch as powerful as you. He’ll chase you.”

  Lily rolled her eyes. “He had no problem resisting my witchy magnetism for years. Just because I have willstones now won’t make any difference.”

  “It will,” Rowan said with quiet vehemence. “You shine now. Even the air around you tastes like magic, and anyone with a mechanic’s potential will come running to you. It’ll eat at him, Lily.”

  “He’ll get over it,” she said firmly.

  “Why not tell him?” Samantha asked with a timid shrug. “He’s always accepted you the way you are before. He’ll accept this.”

  “Because I don’t want to mess him up,” Lily replied, realizing that she’d hit on at least part of what she was feeling. “Tristan wants to be a doctor in this world, and I don’t want to tell him anything that’ll make him choose a different life. I want him to be a huge success, and in this world that does not include believing in magic. Besides, it doesn’t make any sense to tell him. I’m supposed to be reentering my life, right? What would I do with another mechanic? I’m not going to be witching it up on the weekends or anything.”

  Rowan didn’t say anything more. Lily could feel several charged emotions spinning around in him at once, but there was one emotion that she couldn’t quite place. It was a big feeling that hung like a gray curtain behind the sharp sparks of frustration and jealousy that took center stage in his heart. Lily thought it might be sorrow or loss. Whatever it was, it thumped through him like a slow, sad pulse—dull, but ever present.

  What is that emotion, Rowan? I don’t understand.

  Do you trust me, Lily?

  Completely.

  Then tell Tristan the truth and let him choose what he wants to do with his own life. Don’t make his choices for him.

  Lily pulled herself out of rapport with Rowan so she could think for a moment. Everything that he had said made sense to her, and she knew that if she were in Tristan’s place she would want to know her own potential, even if she was in a world where magic wasn’t accepted. But still, Lily felt alarm bells going off in her head. She recalled Lillian’s memory on Walltop, and the warning about wanting to fill an army with the Gift. She thought of the thousands she had claimed, waiting for her return back in Rowan’s world, and the words “warmonger witch” echoed in her mind.

  You know how to grow willstones, don’t you, Rowan?

  Yes.

  And how to train other mechanics?

  Of course.

  So how many should I claim—just Tristan, or everyone in this world who is drawn to my willstones? Do I keep claiming until I have another army? I’m a new power source in this world, a power source that didn’t develop here slowly over time with checks and balances. That frightens me, Rowan. But what frightens me more is how much I crave it. I want to claim the whole world, and that scares the daylights out of me.

  That’s why I trust you, Lily. Every witch wants to claim the whole world, but you respect the power you have enough to never misuse it.

  Then respect that I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to use it at all. Even if it means that Tristan never understands his own potential. If I’m going to live in this world, I have to do it as a normal person.

  Rowan nodded, but frowned deeply. He was troubled in a way that only perplexed Lily more with every exchange they had in mindspeak.

  Rowan, please tell me why you’re so upset. You never answered when I asked the first time. You just answered my question with another question.

  “I get why you don’t want to tell Tristan. I just hope you reconsider. That’s all. Are you hungry?” he asked, pointedly changing the subject.

  Lily’s stomach growled. “Apparently,” she replied laconically. “But since you’re my mechanic I’m guessing you knew that before I did, didn’t you?”

  Rowan smiled, his eyes glinting as he turned and disappeared into the kitchen. It was an elfin look—totally adorable, but evasive. It felt like the deeper she burrowed into him, the farther Rowan’s true self retreated from her. He was so solid in his choices but so slippery down inside. Lily wondered if that’s what real love was—understanding someone so deeply you were able to feel their own confusion about who they were and what they really wanted.

  “It’ll be okay,
” Samantha said dreamily. “I’ve never seen a world where he doesn’t love you, you know.”

  “I don’t think love is our problem right now, Ma. But thanks for telling me that. It’s pretty incredible.”

  “It is. Please don’t forget it,” Samantha stressed. Lily raised her head and studied her mother’s serious face, wondering what she meant by that, but the moment of lucidity passed. Samantha’s nervous hands fluttered up to her frizzy hair and her eyes unfocused. “Did I put the cat out?”

  “We don’t have a cat,” Lily replied, her face falling. “We’ve never had a cat.”

  “Oh good! That would have been terrible.” Samantha turned and left Lily to wonder if what her mother had said had any meaning, or if it was all intended for another Lily in a different world.

  * * *

  Lily! You must come back!

  Go away, Lillian.

  My world needs you. Please. I don’t want to use violence, but I will if I have to.

  Enough! I’m not coming back, Lillian, so whatever circumstances made you what you are have nothing to do with me anymore. I’m done listening to you. Accept it.

  Lily pushed Lillian out of her thoughts and sat up in bed. Lillian was good at creeping into her mind when she was asleep or emotional. All Lily’s ward did was alert her to Lillian’s presence, but Lily still had to shut her out—which was getting harder. Lily knew that Rowan would probably have a solution to the problem, but telling him about it would be impossible without revealing that she and Lillian had been in touch since her first day back in this world. He’d feel so betrayed.

  “What a mess,” she whispered to herself. She wondered if she should take Lillian’s warning about using force seriously. Lillian was a dangerous woman, there was no doubt about that, but how big of a threat could she be if she was in another universe?

  Lily looked at the clock. It was four in the morning—too early to get up, but too late to try to go back to sleep. She rubbed her face and swung her legs out of bed, figuring sleep was going to be impossible now. And anyway, she had to be up for her first day back at school, which was enough to make anyone jittery. She yawned and reached out for Rowan, in case he happened to be awake.

  What is it, Lily? You feel anxious.

  Are you sleeping?

  Half asleep. Come down to me. I want to wake up with you.

  Lily went downstairs and saw Rowan buried in blankets on the couch, still breathing the deep, slow breaths of sleep. She climbed in with him and felt his stomach flutter as he woke.

  “Wassamatter?” he murmured, pulling her against his chest.

  “It’s weird to go back to school,” Lily said, giving Rowan half the truth.

  “It’s just for a few more months,” he grumbled, and fell back to sleep.

  He was right, of course. All she needed to do was graduate, and then she and Rowan could move out of town, maybe get a place of their own. Or they could go to college together. With the help of a little magic, Lily had no doubt they could forge a past for Rowan, complete with a social security number and school records. They could be anything they wanted in this world—all Lily had to do was survive high school.

  They lay together as the sun came up. Rowan’s dreams were scattered images. When Lily pieced them together she realized he was dreaming about his own schooling. Tristan was there, and Gideon. There was a lot of fire, smoke, salt, and silver. Cauldrons bubbled and strange dragon-like creatures flew down torch-lit passageways. They weren’t happy dreams, nor were they nightmares. It was as if Rowan were picking up on Lily’s anxiety and dreaming it out for her. Lily laughed silently to herself. He was even dreaming for her now. Lily didn’t wake Rowan until she heard her mother stirring. A quick kiss, and Lily stole back upstairs to get ready for school.

  Juliet dropped Lily off before heading into Boston and her college classes. Lily was halfway across the parking lot, trudging past piles of old half-melted snow that looked like Styrofoam, when she saw Tristan sitting in his car. A huge smile spread across her face. She hadn’t realized how much she’d missed him until she saw him. The smile stayed plastered on her face as she hurried to him. He didn’t smile back.

  “So you wear dresses now?” Tristan snapped. “Anything else I should know, or is everything still a big secret?”

  “Dresses keep me cool,” she mumbled, embarrassed.

  Lily looked down helplessly at one of the floaty confections she’d adopted since becoming a witch. Just a few months ago it took a grand occasion to make her trade in her habitual jeans and slogan-covered T-shirts for anything with a skirt. She’d changed, but she hadn’t noticed how much until that moment. It wasn’t knowing that she was a witch that made her feel like a freak, but the way Tristan was looking at her dress.

  Lily realized that she was falling back into a pattern with Tristan, and that it was a pattern that no longer applied to her. She didn’t live and die for his approval anymore, and she wasn’t going to get into some stupid argument with him over how much she’d changed and whether or not he liked it.

  “Hang on—this is insane,” she said. “We’re fighting about my freaking wardrobe. That’s not us. We’re going to start over.” Lily forced a chipper tone. “Hi, Tristan! Nice to see you! I’ve really missed you.”

  “Oh, you did?” he retorted sarcastically. He got out of his car and faced Lily, his body stiff with anger. “Then why didn’t you call me? Not one call in three months. Everyone thought you were dead, Lily!” He realized he was shouting. He backed away for a second to calm himself down and lowered his voice to finish what he had to say, but it didn’t stay lowered for long. “And then when you did finally get back that asshole—Rowan—said that I couldn’t see you. But you know what? That’s not even the worst of it. The worst is that you got back, miraculously cured of your allergies, and you still didn’t call me. I had to find out from the FBI!”

  Lily didn’t have any excuse for him. There was no explanation she could give him for what she’d done. The truth was, she’d been dodging Tristan because she didn’t know how to face him.

  “You’re right,” Lily said, looking up at him pleadingly. “And I’m sorry. I can’t explain it, but I went through a lot, Tristan. And I am cured now, but it was long and hard and really painful. Please believe me when I say that I couldn’t call, and then when I got back I just—I don’t know.” Lily sighed deeply and threw up her hands.

  “You what? Go on, Lily,” Tristan said, still demanding an explanation.

  “I wussed out,” she admitted. “I’d been through so much I didn’t know how to talk to you anymore. What can I say? I suck.”

  “Yeah you do,” he said quietly, his eyes dropping. “I thought you’d been kidnapped. I was going crazy thinking about what could be happening to you. What some psycho could—”

  Tristan suddenly stopped and wrapped Lily in a tight hug. Lily knew that he wasn’t the version of Tristan that she had claimed and that she couldn’t mindspeak with him, experience his emotions, or view his memories from the past three months, but it didn’t matter. Lily could feel how devastated he had been and imagine what he’d gone through. She knew him so well.

  “I’m really sorry,” she said, feeling terrible.

  “You have no idea what I went through. I haven’t forgiven you yet,” he said, letting her go.

  “I’m willing to work for it,” Lily replied, smiling. They stayed staring at each other even though Lily could hear people gasping and whispering her name.

  “Should I just go away?” asked an amused voice. Lily turned and noticed Breakfast, standing a foot away, waiting for either Tristan or Lily to realize he was there.

  “Breakfast! How are you?” Lily exclaimed, hurling herself at him. She and Breakfast hadn’t been close throughout high school, but the night before Lily disappeared, he’d helped Tristan save her life. He’d earned a special place in her heart for that.

  “Alive. As are you, apparently,” he answered, blushing ferociously.

  “It’s
great to see you,” Lily said, a big smile lighting up her face.

  “Right back at ya,” he replied heartily, before growing embarrassed again. He looked at Tristan, who was pointedly staring at Breakfast’s hands, and hastily removed them from Lily’s waist. “So, do you want to hear all the rumors about you now, or should I ration it out as the weeks go by?” he said with a devilish grin. “There’s a great one about aliens.”

  “Ration it out, please,” Lily replied, groaning.

  For the rest of the day Lily felt like she was being examined like a bug under glass. And not just by her fellow students. She spent the morning trapped in the office with the superintendant, the principal, the guidance counselor, and the school nurse. Lily didn’t know if she would have made it through without Rowan with her in mindspeak to keep her sane.

  “But can you explain for us why you didn’t tell any of your friends where you were for three months?” the principal asked again.

  “I thought things were fine,” Lily said, her eyes saucers of innocence. “I spoke to my mom three times a week, but she got a little confused when I left.”

  “She did say that she could hear you,” the superintendant said reluctantly.

  “My mother could hear me on the phone—she just couldn’t understand why she couldn’t see me. The whole concept of telephones escaped her there for a bit.”

  Worried looks were exchanged over Lily’s head. “How is your mother?” the nurse asked. “Do you feel safe at home?”

  “Of course.” Lily tried not to sound too offended or defensive. She wasn’t eighteen yet, and one call from any of them could land her in foster care. “My sister’s been staying at home since I got back, and we have a holistic life coach working with me and my mother.”