All That Was Left Unsaid

by Jacquie Underdown

  “What about the nine-year-old schoolgirl you threatened to gut? Was that just anger?”

  She froze, eyes widening. “That… that was a mother protecting her daughter.”

  He nodded. “But you didn’t hurt her either?”

  “Of course not. It was words.”

  “You never followed through?”

  “No.”

  “Have you ever thought you’d like to hurt Tina? Maybe even kill her?”

  She shook her head. “No.”

  “Even after what she did? What she put you and your family through?”

  “Fine. I’ve thought about killing her a thousand times. But it doesn’t mean I’d do it.”

  “Why were you in Tina’s home on the night of the eighteenth?”

  She went silent, looked to the side as she tried to access those stolen memories. “I wasn’t.”

  “Maddison, you’re lying to me. Again.” His patience was thin, his countenance harsher. One thing he hated more than anything was a liar.

  “Honestly, I’m not. I wasn’t there. I don’t think I was there.” She groaned, slapped her head with the side of her hand. “Maybe I went there.” A vision of her old house, the tree in the darkness. She could have walked to Tina’s afterwards or before. “I don’t know.”

  “Maddison, I have incontrovertible proof that you were there.”

  “What proof?”

  “Video footage. Fingerprints.”

  Her mouth flapped open and shut.

  “You were inside the house,” he said.

  “No. No, I wouldn’t go inside. I wouldn’t.”

  “But you did,” he pushed. “I saw you dressed in pyjamas, red lipstick smudged across your mouth, banging on the front door. A moment later, more footage of you swaying down the hall.”

  “I don’t remember any of that.”

  “Have you ever been prescribed Scopolamine?”

  “I have no idea.”

  He slid a picture across the table to her. A photo of a Scopolamine packet. A prescription sticker on the outside in her name.

  “Yes, um, I did. For a cruise, a few years back. I get seasick. The doctor said this would help. But I didn’t need them in the end.”

  “Did you take them later for any other reason?”

  She shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

  “This packet was found in your bedside drawer. Empty.”

  “I honestly don’t know. Maybe I did take them. I can’t remember specifically, though.”

  McKenzie shifted closer, right up in Maddison’s personal space. His eye contact was solid. “Maddison, I need you to be straight with me. Did you go to Tina’s house on the night of the eighteenth?”

  A flash of bright lights. Tina’s kitchen. The coffee machine. She shook her head. “I… yes.” The detective was too close, invading her space. She wanted to shove him away or turn her head, anything but look in his eyes.

  “Did you contaminate her coffee with Scopolamine tablets that you had ground into powder?”

  “No.”

  “We found evidence of the drug in your spice grinder. We found the empty packet beside your bed. We found powder residue in your kitchen. Your fingerprints are on the coffee machine and canister at Tina’s residence. We have video footage of you being there. So, I’ll ask you again, did you drug Tina?”

  Maddison lowered her face into her hands and shook her head. “I’m not saying anything more until I have a lawyer.”

  Chapter 33

  The day of Kadie’s death…

  Tina knocked on her in-law’s front door and waited. Her nieces and nephew were running around inside, their feet on the timber floorboards like elephants. A shout and a giggle sounded, and she smiled. She loved those kids so much she wanted to quietly steal them, take them home and never give them back.

  She chuckled to herself when Ben’s loud, slightly angry voice sung out. At times, she was sure Ben and Maddison would gladly send them to stay with her and Chris for a while. Three young kids were constant hard work. When Tina had them sleep at her house for a night, she was exhausted by the time she walked them back home.

  Being an aunty was as close as she was going to get to motherhood, so she embraced it. She spoilt the kids rotten. Bought them expensive Christmas and birthday gifts, much to their parents’ discouragement.

  “You’re going to turn them into rotten little shits if you keep spoiling them,” Ben had said.

  Chris laughed. “That’s for you to deal with then, isn’t it?”

  Chris loved them just as much. A hollow pang in Tina’s belly. She had fallen pregnant four times over her fifteen-year marriage. Many years of trying and failing in between. But not one pregnancy survived eight weeks. After that, she didn’t have the will to endure the endless cycle of grief and disappointment anymore.

  The door opened with a flurry. Ben stood there. “Tina. How are you?”

  She smiled. “Good. Is Issy home?”

  “Ah, no, she’s out doing the grocery shopping. She shouldn’t be too much longer if you want to come inside and wait.”

  “Sure. I’ll say hello to the kids while I’m at it.”

  “They’ll be excited to see you. Their favourite aunty and all.”

  She laughed. “The only aunty living close by, so I have no choice but to earn that title.”

  Tina followed him into the house. An old Queenslander, set upon a big plot of land. They had managed to renovate it meticulously over the years. Bigger than the house Tina and Chris were buying. Made sense with their brood of children.

  She followed Ben down the long hall to the end. On the left was the living room. The kids were in there, cartoons blaring on the TV. Toys were strewn across the floor. The untidiness of children was the only thing that Tina didn’t care for. She liked order. But she would have happily sacrificed her love of a neat and clean home for her own children, should the blessing have arrived.

  Tina’s nieces and nephew raced to her, throwing their arms around her and jumping up and down.

  “Aunty Tina,” cheered Kadie.

  “Hi there, sweetheart,” she said, stroking her fringe from her forehead and leaning down to kiss her cheek. “So good to see you. Are you having a good Saturday morning?”

  “Yep.”

  Riley had raced away, picked up a paper aeroplane and was running back. “Look what I made?”

  Tina’s eyes widened. “All by yourself?”

  He nodded with big, proud movements.

  “You’re incredibly clever. You should make me one too and we’ll have a competition to see whose flies the furthest.”

  He grinned and ran into another room for paper and pencils.

  Ruby was holding Tina’s waist, had her head against her.

  “Hello, gorgeous. Gee, I think you’ve grown in the three days I haven’t seen you.”

  Ruby stood up taller, put her hand on her head. She had a huge smile on her face. “I feel taller.”

  “Well, there you go. It must be true then.”

  Ben stood behind them, watching. He appreciated how much Tina and Chris loved his kids. As someone who had his family ripped apart by death while he was so young, he had always craved a large family where Chris and his sister Jacinta played big roles.

  He had a lot of sympathy for his brother in that regard. Not having a family cut him to the core. Though, Chris had only admitted to that the one time after he’d had too many beers at a barbeque.

  Tina bent over to look at a Lego creation. She was wearing tight gym pants and they outlined the shape of her as though she were wearing nothing. He gave himself permission to look and admire.

  Blood flowed to his groin. He readjusted himself quickly, so he could hide his growing erection. He had always been a sucker for a hot arse, though, and Tina’s was proving to be exceptional. He wasn’t certain if he’d ever known that about her before.

  She stood up again, turned to him and smiled. He couldn’t tell if she had meant to taunt him. He met her gaz
e. Her eyes held a teasing gleam, enough for him to suspect she had meant it. The heat between his legs grew.

  But she wasn’t teasing him. She had forgotten that she was still in her workout clothes and caught him ogling her as she had straightened. Her cheeks flushed, and she gave an embarrassed grin.

  To fill the awkward silence, she said quickly, “Maddison offered to loan me a dress to wear to the work party Chris and I are going to tomorrow.”

  He nodded. “Right, yes, um… she did mention that. I think she left it hanging up in our bedroom if you want me to go grab it?”

  “Yeah, that would be good. I’m keen to know if it fits. She’s smaller than me.”

  He ran his eyes up the length of her, now certain she was leading him on with a comment like that. Arousal shot through him. He was as hard as a rock.

  “Riley, how about you and the kids play a game of hide-n-seek?”

  Ruby and Kadie cheered and clapped.

  “Yes! I’m counting first. You two hide,” Riley said excitedly to his sisters.

  Ben tilted his head in the direction of the hall. “You better come with me, just to make sure we’re talking about the same dress.”

  Tina hesitated. Going to the bedroom with her brother-in-law transgressed a clear line. Because of her childhood, her trust in men was low. She had spent most of her life trying to hide that fact because she had believed she was to blame for her abuses.

  Her uncle had called her a devil. A demon. A little witch. Casting spells on him that made him want to do bad things to her. As an eight-year-old child, she had believed him. She was so scared to tell anyone what he was doing to her in case they, too, realised she was a witch.

  Tina swallowed her intuition and followed Ben to his bedroom, not wanting to appear suspicious or rude. When she entered the room, he shut the door behind them. Her heart stuttered.

  His smile was warm, sickly so. “The kids will be running in and out otherwise. Believe me, it will be faster this way.” He went to the cupboard and hanging on the door was a long red dress.

  “That’s it,” she said. “Beautiful.”

  He lifted it down and held it against her. “It’ll look great. And will fit perfectly.”

  She smiled. “Thanks.” And reached for the dress, but he held it tighter.

  He was watching her. Chest expanding and deflating.

  “I’ll just go check on the kids. You can bring that out when you’re ready.” She spun to walk away, but he gripped her hand and yanked her back to him.

  “Don’t go yet. I reckon you should try it on first,” he said.

  “If it doesn’t fit, I’ll just bring it back.”

  He dropped the dress between them, took a big step towards her and wrapped his arms around her. Kissed her mouth.

  “No, Ben. No.” She resisted, turned her head. But he didn’t stop, kept trailing kisses down her face, to her neck.

  She tried to wriggle out of his grip, but his muscled arms pulled tighter around her. Against her stomach was his jutting erection.

  “Ben, don’t do this.”

  “Don’t act all coy now. You’re not fooling me.” Fast, forceful, he let her go, gripped her pants and yanked them down to her thighs. With strong, rough hands, he spun her, pushed her in the back and she flung forward. She twisted her wrist painfully as she caught herself against the hard floor. Her knees thudded.

  Before she could move, he was there, shoving her down hard, her stomach flat to the floor, face squished. His insistent hand smothered her mouth, stifling her scream. His forearm was hard and heavy over her lower back, pinning her there. Within a second he was inside her.

  A muffled scream as pain almost blinded her. She whimpered against his hand, tears falling down her face.

  No longer was she human.

  She had to get away from there. From him. She squirmed, twisted, but Ben was relentless. Much too strong. The pain overwhelmed everything. She could barely breathe. She squeezed her eyes closed, needing to escape.

  All those old defensive barriers flooded back and without needing to try, she left her body, flew to that place in her mind where there were beautiful flowers and ice cream. Sunshine and butterflies. She lay on that grass, the sun beating down on her face.

  Safe.

  When she opened her eyes, Ben’s weight was easing off her. Someone had screamed.

  Unbeknownst to them all, that moment was when little Kadie had crawled along the tree branch, her toes gripping the smooth bark, her hands holding on tight. She stumbled and tried to gain her balance but tilted too far backwards and fell feet first. She clawed at the slippery tree limb but couldn’t find purchase and plunged between the two branches. A sharp yank, a crack and a pop and her short four years on the earth were over.

  But the world didn’t miss a beat. It didn’t pause for a death that would have ramifications for years after. Even the thoughts taking place in the bedroom didn’t hesitate for even a fraction of time.

  Maddison, Tina thought. Maddison is home. At first, relief flooded her body because she believed she would be rescued.

  “Ruby, Riley, Kadie, come here please. Right now,” Maddison yelled as she rushed from the room.

  Ben leaned down, close to Tina’s ear and growled, “Now look what you’ve done.”

  He stood tall again and followed his wife out of the room.

  For a long moment, Tina lay there, unable to move, trembling all over. “You can do this. You’ve done this before. Get up, get dressed, and go home.”

  Like a robot, she slowly got to her feet, pulled her pants up. She could feel the wetness between her legs and her stomach convulsed. She swallowed hard. Breathed deeply, slowly.

  “Butterflies. Rainbows. Warm sun. Grass,” she repeated as she walked down the hall, then silently in her head as she strode to the front door and left.

  When she arrived home, she stripped out of her clothes and ran the shower. There she stayed, washing with soap, and staring at the tiled floor as she meticulously, expertly, reframed the entire morning.

  It had been a lovely day. Warm sunshine on her face. She had stopped by to see Maddison, but she wasn’t home, so she had a nice cup of tea with Ben as she waited. Ruby wanted to show her how big she had grown and had prepared the tea all by herself. She had done a great job too. It had tasted delicious. Riley made her a paper plane and coloured it with bright flowers and butterflies. They laughed and chatted as they flew them across the blue sky. Then she built a house with a pink roof out of Lego with Kadie. When it was time to leave, she kissed her nieces and nephew on the cheek, waved, and walked home in the sunshine.

  Tina startled and gasped when she realised the shower water was stone cold, beating against her body. She hurriedly turned off the taps and dried herself. Shivering all over, she dressed into her winter pyjamas, climbed into bed, and pulled the doona high over her shoulders despite it being thirty-odd degrees outside.

  * * *

  Chris arrived home around nine o’clock that night. A small part of Tina’s brain knew this wasn’t right. He was meant to be home tomorrow. But Tina barely existed anymore, at least not in the real world.

  The front door tinkled as he opened the locks and came in. “Tina,” he called out.

  She didn’t answer.

  He found her in bed, her face hot, hair dripping with sweat. And yet she was shivering. “Are you okay? I’ve been trying to call you all day.”

  She attempted to meet his eyes when he turned on the bedside lamp, but she couldn’t focus. He pulled the doona down, reached for her pyjama top, but she flinched and pushed him away.

  He felt her forehead with the back of his hand. “You’re burning up. How long have you been like this?”

  She shrugged.

  “Will you let me get you paracetamol? It will help lower your fever.”

  She didn’t say anything. He rushed out of the room, came back later with two paracetamols and a glass of water. Without thinking, she swallowed them down.

  He si
ghed. “I know you hate taking pills, but, honestly, Tina, you’re so hot. I can feel the heat radiating from you. I didn’t know you were sick.”

  “I’m not.”

  He sat on the bed beside her like he weighed a ton, lowered his face into his hands and rubbed his eyes. “I can’t believe Kadie is gone. I just can’t believe it. I couldn’t get a straight story out of Ben when he rang me. Maddison was inconsolable. Ben said you were there. What happened?”

  Tina blinked. “I don’t understand.”

  “Kadie. She fell out of the tree.”

  She sat up slowly, shook her head.

  “Kadie broke her neck. She died. Ben is…” Tears filled his eyes. “I can’t believe it.”

  “Kadie is dead?”

  His brows arched. “You didn’t know?”

  “No.”

  “Ben said you were there.”

  “I was. But I left. I didn’t—” Something broke inside Tina then. Something silent but big and so significant. She disappeared to that place she had dwelled as a small child. The good place. The kind place. In that happy world, she created an entirely different life and floated above her real existence as a contented, whole person.

  She no longer had the capacity for love. Not in the real world. When Chris looked into her vacant eyes then, he had intuited that. His wife was no longer there. And no matter how much he searched for her, tried to find her, amidst his grief and pain and rejection, he never could. The walls were up, and each brick was rigidly fixed into place. He would need a sledgehammer to get through.

  He lasted six months more in that lonely home, lost somewhere between resentment, pity, and grief. He had given Tina every chance to stop him from leaving, but she never tried. Never raised her voice, let alone a fist to fight him. He hated himself for quitting.