Faithless Dreams

by C. R. Jane

  “I’d had a little break. No dreams, no Aiden. But today I had one.” A tear trails down my face and Damon watches it fall. “And it was terrible,” I sob.

  I begin to talk then. My voice almost taking on a monotone quality as I go through my story with Damon. How Mason was killed, and I had met Damon, how we fell in love, the plan we concocted...how he was captured. My voice chokes up when I get to Aiden finding me in the garden and taking me to see Damon.

  “You were lying there on the table,” I whisper. “Barely recognizable. They had ripped off one of your wings, your beautiful wings. And the skin on your back was dying.”

  I look at him desperately. “I loved you then, so much. Even in that short amount of time. I would have done everything and anything to save you.”

  Damon’s face is a conflicted mess as he listens. “What did you do, Eva?” he says hoarsely.

  It’s a strange thing, this concept that the Eva in my visions is the same Eva that I am now. I don’t feel like her, but yet I am her. She’s an enigma to me though, this Eva who grew up a Fey queen, or as a being designed solely for Aiden’s pleasure. So, when Damon acts like it’s me who actually makes the choices that I dream about...well it’s hard to reconcile in my brain.

  “I agreed to sleep with him,” I say, wondering why I feel so defensive and scared about talking about something in another life. This body, in this lifetime, has only ever been theirs.

  Damon looks murderous. His fingers are clenching the armrest of the couch so tightly that I’m not surprised to hear the breaking of wood.

  A lock sounds in the door down the hall and a moment later Beckham’s god-like face appears as he walks in. Damon’s up before I can say a word, stalking past Beckham with a muttered, “I need a drink.” A second later we hear the door slam as Damon leaves the apartment.

  Beckham looks confused for a moment but then continues on into the room as if nothing happened.

  “Hi angel,” he whispers, pulling me in for an exuberant kiss. I can literally feel the depth of his devotion every time he kisses me. It’s addicting.

  “Hi,” I say, but my voice comes out unsteady.

  “You and Damon fighting again?” he asks with a sigh, pulling me into his lap and resting his head on mine as he holds me tightly.

  “Something like that,” I say, beginning to get frustrated as I think about what happened. He’s mad at me for something that I saw in a dream. We don’t even know that it actually happened. It’s not like I have any control over what I saw. It’s not like I can change the past…

  “Aiden was here,” I suddenly blurt out, not wanting to have any secrets from any of them anymore.

  Beckham stiffens and pulls me closer to him. “Why did you not lead with that?” he says harshly, all the gentleness sucked out of his voice.

  I pull away from him and he lets me. The words rush out of me this time as I go through the exact story that I just told Damon.

  While Damon looked angry after I got to the end of my story, Beckham looks like I just sucker punched him. He’s quiet for a second and I can see that he’s mulling everything over in his mind. I reach out to touch him and he flinches, like I’ve burnt him.

  The tears really do come then. He and Damon both think that I’m dirty now. Somehow Aiden manages to reach through and ruin me even through my dreams.

  I drop my hand and move away from him in the couch, burying my face in my head.

  “Where am I in all of this?” he asks suddenly.

  I freeze. That’s a part of the story that I haven’t admitted yet. While Mason was murdered, and Damon was tortured...and both of those things destroyed me. It made me a terrible person that learning that Beckham had moved on with his life after I left hurt just as much.

  “Where are you?” I repeat, my voice faint.

  “Yes. Did Aiden kill me? Why have I not appeared to try and save you?” He looks perplexed, not comprehending the reality that happened.

  Why did I decide it was a good idea to tell them all of this?

  “Eva?” he says, not giving up.

  I can’t look at him before I answer.

  “You moved on,” I say softly, staring at the floor and trying to ignore how much saying those words hurt.

  There’s a silence. I can almost taste Beckham’s shock. That was obviously the last thing he expected me to say.

  “That’s not possible,” he finally spits out.

  I give a glum chuckle. “I didn’t think so either.”

  “I’ve relived all our memories together. I know the depths of my feelings for you. You were everything. There’s no way…” he sputters out.

  “I think you felt very betrayed after I married Aiden,” I say, trying to reassure him.

  “It’s still not possible,” he says, standing up and walking up to me. He grabs my chin, shocking me with his aggressiveness. “You can’t possible perceive what you inspire in me, the depths of my devotion to you. There’s not a situation that exists that could keep me from you, save death. And even then, I feel like I would find a way to be with you again. In fact, I think that’s probably already happened in our lives.”

  I want to believe it. I want to live in the sound of his love, the promises he makes to me. But if he didn’t move on...then where was he? I’ve seen him with another woman in my dreams. And at this point months and months have passed in the visions that I have seen. And still there’s been no sign of him coming to rescue me.

  “You believe in me, right?” Beckham asks, a hint of vulnerability in his voice. He needs me to believe this, needs me to believe in him.

  “Of course,” I say, hating the fact that I’m lying to him.

  He sits down beside me and pulls me onto his lap. We both need to be comforted right now.

  An hour later we haven’t moved. “Do you think Damon’s alright?” I ask, sighing as Beckham plays with a lock of my hair.

  “Damon’s a warrior. I think it’s easy for all of us to forget who he really is given that he’s playing a football player in college at the moment. But he’s been through more than any of us can comprehend. He’s used to being on the front lines, fixing the problems, slaying the dragons. The fact that he hasn’t even come close to defeating Aiden, that Aiden seems to be one step ahead of us at all times...it crushes Mason and me. But Damon, it kills him. The fact that he can’t protect you, it haunts him because of who he is.”

  I silently absorb Beckham’s words. It’s the most I’ve ever heard from him in defense of Damon. But everything he’s saying is true. Even though I’ve seen him in action in the past, it’s easy to forget who Damon really is in our day to day life.

  Maybe I should have left out my rendezvous with Aiden…

  “Come on,” says Beckham standing up and taking my hand. “Grab some clothes. We’re going to spend the night at my place. If Damon does come home, he’s going to be in no shape for you to have a talk with him. Plus, I start shooting that movie next week and the hours are going to keep me from having the amount of Eva fix that I need to survive. So let me have tonight.”

  He looks so charming, standing in the fading light that’s streaming in from the window, his hair slightly tousled from the events of the past few hours. “Ok,” I say with a grin, walking with him to my bedroom where I begin to gather a few things.

  “You really should just leave some of it at my place,” says Beckham casually.

  I stop. “Why haven’t you?” he pushes.

  “I feel like I impede on your lives too much already. I don’t want to force anything on you,” I admit reluctantly.

  Beckham groans and pulls me towards him. “What do we have to do to prove there’s nothing we don’t want with you? If I had my way, you’d have been mine the first time that I met you and I would have already marched you down the aisle.”

  I’m sure there are stars in my eyes listening to his sweet words. I would never take them for granted.

  “Let’s pack some more stuff to bring over to my place.”
<
br />   “Enough to fill a whole drawer,” I say with a wink, thinking of all the books that I had read that talked about “the drawer” being a big step in a relationship.

  “How about enough to fill half the closet?” he whispers right before he gives me a kiss that makes my soul soar.

  I pack up some more things and we go to leave. Something makes me pause right at the doorway. A sense of unease slithers over my shoulders. I look back into the apartment, expecting to see Aiden or something out of place...but there’s nothing there.

  “Eva?” Beckham asks, waiting patiently for me, carrying the suitcase that I’ve packed of things I was going to start keeping at his place.

  “Coming,” I answer, forcing a smile. I walk out, closing the door behind me, but not before I look back one last time. There is nothing there.

  Beckham and I spend a quiet night, wrapped in each other’s arms. He falls asleep right away, but it’s hours before I can fall asleep.

  Damon never calls.

  Aiden holds the snake up to my neck and I wince as it begins to wrap itself around the rest of my body before striking out. It hurts. I’m not sure if he knows that it hurts me, but it literally feels like I’m being stabbed by hot knives every single time. He says that I need this to survive, that it was an error in my creation that we can fix if I keep on undergoing these treatments.

  And I can feel my body changing. But it’s not in a way that feels like I’m getting stronger. It feels like I’m getting sicker, like all the joy is being sucked out of me.

  “Just relax,” Aiden whispers, placing a gentle kiss on the other side of my neck from the one that the snake is currently injecting its venom into.

  I whimper, unable to hide how badly it hurts. He doesn’t comment on my cry; he simply strokes me again softly across my face. “You’re so brave, my darling. It will be over soon, and everything will be better.”

  “How will this make me better?” I ask. But he never answers.

  After, when the snake finally releases me, Aiden leads me to stand in front of a mirror. I flinch when I see that my eyes are completely black, no sign of white anymore.

  “What’s wrong with me?” I cry out.

  “Nothing. You’re perfect,” he says, and I see that his eyes are reflecting the same blackness back at me.

  My body feels cold. And it’s not just the outside that feels cold, it’s the inside too. It feels like my heart has become a block of ice.

  “I’d like to lie down,” I tell him as he scatters kisses across my shoulder, giving me shivers. He stops and watches me, searching my eyes for something. It’s a new thing, this affection that he’s been giving me. More like a lover than before. I know that I’m supposed to love him. He tells me all the time that I was made for him, that there’s no one else for him but me.

  But why does it feel like he wasn’t made for me?

  “Aiden,” calls a musical voice from down the hallway.

  Aiden curses. It’s the Goddess. She comes to visit him occasionally, but she never speaks to me. Whenever she looks at me it’s like I cause her pain. For some reason there’s a part of me that’s always desperate for her to like me. I’m not sure what I did to make her not.

  “Why don’t you rest, and I’ll be by later,” he said, stroking the side of my face gently. I nodded and let him help me over to the couch.

  He brushed a kiss across the top of my head. “See you soon, darling,” he whispered before leaving the room.

  I cried then, a devastated cry that was mourning the death of the old me. I knew something was wrong with the snake’s venom. I could feel it altering my chemistry, turning me into someone else, someone darker. Who would I be when my so-called “treatments” were done? And why was this my fate?

  “Eva?” comes a quiet voice. I look up and see a distorted figure in front of me, shrouded from clarity because of my tears. I throw a hand over my eyes to clear them and see that it’s the creature.

  “What do you want?” I bark at him. He holds out a cloth to me. “What is that for?”

  “To wipe your tears,” he says in his lovely voice. At that moment I hate him. I want to take all of my frustration and anger out on him. I want to make him suffer for no reason at all besides the fact that he’s always there. He’s always frustratingly there.

  That feeling right there shows what the venom is doing. It’s making me feel this hatred for no inexplicable reason. It’s making me terrible.

  I feel the soft cloth against my skin, and I flinch. He freezes in his efforts to dab my skin.

  “Why are you so nice to me?” I whisper, looking up into his beautiful blue eyes.

  “Why wouldn’t I be nice to you?” he counters, resuming drying my face. I stare at him, an idea forming in my mind. If who I am will be gone soon, I want to experience a real kiss as me before that happens.

  I look over at the door and see that Aiden closed it behind him.

  “Will you kiss me?” I ask the creature.

  His eyes widen and I gasp at the scope of emotion I see within their depths. There’s a longing so desperate and pure that my soul calls out for it. It recognizes him as my savior, someone who could slow the tide of change coming for me.

  “You would let me kiss you?” he asks, his lips coming closer to mine as if he can’t stop himself now that I’ve suggested it.

  “I just want to feel what it would be like.”

  “To be kissed?” he asked confused. I’m sure he had seen Aiden kiss me before.

  “To be kissed by someone I wanted to kiss me,” I whisper back, moving towards him now as well.

  There’s a hitch in his breath and then our lips meet.

  It’s a heaven-shattering kiss that changes me irrevocably the second that it happens. I slide my fingers through his long hair at the nape of his neck, tugging hard, hoping to relay my needs with touch alone.

  His taste will forever be my ambrosia after this.

  He pulls away, searching my face. I return his gaze, overwhelmed by the depth of the passion that he’s giving me.

  I think I may be falling in love with him.

  “Don’t stop. Please . . . don’t ever stop,” I beg in a breathless whisper.

  “Never,” he vows. And I know we’re not talking about the kiss any longer. We’re talking about something...something more.

  Our kisses after that are aggressive, savage in our need for each other; its momentum unbroken as he slides onto the couch beside me, my body instinctively turning to face him, my arms wrapping tightly around his neck.

  Too quickly, I hear footsteps coming down the hall and I freeze.

  In a display of carnal desire, he pulls me back down for a kiss. His lips drift, kissing and nibbling down my cheek, along my jaw and onto my neck.

  “You have to hide,” I tell him frantically as the footsteps grow ever closer.

  His breathing is out of control as he pulls away. There’s a hazy sheen to his eyes as if our kiss has transported him somewhere else.

  “I can’t see him with you,” he says in a distraught voice.

  “Please go,” I tell him, knowing that he’s asking the impossible.

  He slips out of sight just as Aiden opens the door. Aiden pauses at the entrance of the room and I hold my breath. He seems to be sniffing the air. I panic at the thought that he can feel evidence of the passion that took place in the room.

  “Missed me?” Aiden says with a grin, and I realize that he thinks whatever he is smelling was caused by him returning.

  Again, that rush of guilt blankets me. I am his creation, and I have rebelled.

  Later on, when I’m in my room, a thought hits me that has me wandering the hallways looking for him.

  I finally see him, stretched out on the large pillow that Aiden has him sleep on. His eyes open when he sees me, and he sits up alarmed.

  “Eva?” he asks.

  “What’s your name?” I ask, unwilling to ever call him “creature” again in my head, not when I feel like this.
>
  “Tristan,” he says, and his smile is so bright at the fact that I care enough to ask that I want to cry.

  I hurry away without saying another word, my heart sitting heavy in my chest.

  All I can think before I fall asleep is what his name means.

  “Beloved.”

  Chapter 6

  My heart is heavy when I wake up. Even encased in Beckham’s arms, I have a melancholy feeling that I can’t get rid of. We eat a leisurely breakfast before I leave. Beckham has a meeting for his movie that he has to get to and even though he says I should stay; I can’t get rid of the desperation that I’m feeling to check on Damon and make sure that he’s alright.

  Beckham drops me off in the downstairs lobby after he sees that my security team, the one that I’m not really supposed to notice but are way too obvious, are watching me. I go up the elevator, stretching out my worn-out muscles. Beckham had been insatiable last night, the emotions of the evening more than we both could handle.

  I put the key in the lock of the apartment I share with Damon and Mason and open it up, pausing when I think I hear a woman's voice coming from deeper inside the apartment. A red haze of jealousy passes over me, unrecognizable as normally the guys give me no reason to be jealous.

  I hear the voice again. There is a girl in the apartment...and it’s not Lexi.

  It almost sounds like… No, it couldn’t be.

  Closing the door behind me I walk hesitantly down the hall and into the living room and kitchen area. The keys fall out of my hand when I see Selena perched on the counter of the kitchen, her legs wrapped around Damon who is kissing her passionately as he feels her up.

  I want to throw up. And then I can’t stop myself. I start to dry-heave, catching the couples’ attention.

  "Damon," I whisper, wiping my mouth, not believing that this is actually happening. What I’m seeing is a combination of every fear that I have about the strange little relationship of ours. That one day enough would be enough and they would want their own girlfriends. That they would be tired of dealing with all my crap. I guess finding out that I slept with Aiden in another life was the straw that broke the camel’s back as they say.