Unspoken Words

by Latoya Chandler

  “Dexter, what are you doing? Please put me down.”

  “Not until you tell me you forgive me.”

  “What do I forgive you for, Dexter?”

  “Misunderstanding me.”

  “What did I misunderstand?”

  “Everything I’ve done and asked wasn’t out of malice. I love you and have since I saw you in my dreams. We belong together and will have to sacrifice some things for better things to come into materialization.”

  “Why is it that I am the only one being asked to give things up and change?”

  “What would you like me to change?”

  “I would like you to give me a chance to figure things out for myself. If things don’t work out, and I have to make some adjustments, allow me to see it and do it. Our lives transformed in less than a week, and you’re expecting me to overlook everything that means a lot to me. The reason I have N&D’s Boutique is that my dad believed in me. That is all I have left that he’s gifted me. You have to see how much the boutique means to me. I’ve been through more than you’re aware of, and my passion for fashion saved my life by the grace of God when I wanted to end my life. And do you know who God allowed to be in my life to help me through it all? It was Desirae and Rosalind.”

  “I hear everything you’re saying, but the Bible instructs me to love you the way Christ loves the church, and I will do just that. And as your husband and the man of this house, you have to follow my lead. You cannot follow me unless you love me more than your own life, and that includes everything and everyone you’ve mentioned. And to correct you, you still have the church. It’s in our name.”

  “You hear me, but you’re not listening to me, Dexter. You keep trying to confuse me with the scriptures.”

  “There is no confusion. The Word is right all by itself. I am listening to everything you’re saying and will give you time, Ruth. Now, can we kiss and make up?”

  Naomi-Ruth blushed in response. Dexter placed her on the bed and hovered over her a minute before dipping his head to kiss her. His heart beat with nervous jitters when he rose and met her eyes. When he realized she was nervous too, it caused him to want to treat her like fragile porcelain. He slid the straps of her lingerie down to reveal her firm, tipped breasts. Unable to contain his composure any longer, Dexter became one with his wife over and over throughout the night.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Those Feelings Again . . .

  At 30, Desirae remained a virgin. She wondered if she would end up dying without experiencing love, marriage, and intimacy. After Garrett, Desirae devoted her time outside of working at the boutique to taking care of herself, which included therapy and attending service with Rosalind. Desirae saw a change in Rosalind, such as her rolling in euphoria. Desirae wanted whatever her mom was on. Rosalind attributed her state of mind to spending time in the presence of God.

  Desirae thought Rosalind was holding off flipping out on her because she was thankful to have her baby girl back home. And Rosalind didn’t want to cause any friction between them because she was worried that Dez would take off again. However, that was the last thing Desirae thought about doing. Dez realized Rosalind’s 180 when she finally opened up to her. Rosalind repeatedly said what was required of her to speak to her child as a mother. She never talked about her childhood other than her mother had had a sick passion for alcohol. Later, she’d cover it up, saying life comes at you with the good, the bad, and the ugly, and it is up to the person on how they would respond and deal with those matters because God would not put more on us than we could bear.

  “Dez, you can’t continue beating yourself up. You cannot allow this situation to drown you. There’s so much life for you to live and experience. We all make mistakes, but we are changed by them, hopefully, for the better. Everything is going to be all right. You need to pray and talk to God more.”

  “Mom, you sound like Pastor Patterson. We left because he preferred to pray, and now, you’re saying that’s what I need to do?”

  “Princess, I was so wrong about that one. Although I still don’t agree with how Pastor Patterson went about it, I now realize praying was the best thing for all of us, especially Nomi. Our prayers can reach places that we cannot physically go.”

  “Wow, I was gone for six months and come home to a praying mother.”

  “I wish I had known then about praying and turning things over to God a long time ago. I was so headstrong. I refused to allow myself to go there. Had I done that then, I would not have wandered around bitter and angry with everything and everyone for so long. And I wouldn’t have been living a complete lie either.”

  “What are you talking about, Mom?”

  “For years, I didn’t work. I pretended to go to work when, in actuality, I was volunteering at the nursing home I now work for.”

  “Mom, have you been sipping on the communion juice? None of what you’re saying is making any sense at all. We had food, a car, and a roof over our heads. If I am not mistaken, it’s impossible to have or keep any of those things without an income. How were you able to do any of that if you were unemployed?”

  “I had my 401(k) for a while and government assistance to cover up my lie.”

  “Wait. So, we were on welfare? Why, when there wasn’t anything wrong with you? Mom, you could work, so why would you take from the system when you didn’t need it? You drilled into me the importance of not being lazy and that I had to work and go to college if I wanted to make something of myself.”

  “I needed it because I couldn’t work. Something happened to me, and I wasn’t able to talk about it. I never dealt with it. I just put in the back of my mind and filed it away,” Rosalind explained.

  “Mom, what are you saying to me right now? What happened to you?”

  “When you left, the feelings of loneliness, embarrassment, hopelessness, and anger resurfaced in an unusual way. I believe it was because I didn’t have you here to occupy my mind. Too much time on my hands allowed me to think, pushing me to the verge of a nervous breakdown. Fear pushed me to seek help, and I sought a therapist. She helped me face the nightmare I’ve been trying not to go to sleep and face for all of those years.”

  “Nightmare? What?”

  “Dez, while at work almost ten years ago, I . . . I was raped and fired because of it.”

  “Mom, how can they fire you when someone hurts you? We need to sue someone. They have to pay!”

  “Long story short, my rapist was the head boss’s son, so they found a loophole to get rid of me to hide what he did to me.”

  Outside of counseling, this was the first time Rosalind had admitted to being raped out loud.

  “I am so sorry, Mom. How could someone do that to you? Oh my God! Now, I know why you said you knew there was something more going on when Nomi was hurt. Why didn’t I see that? I love you so much, Mom. I am sorry. We’ll get through this together,” Desirae sobbed.

  “Baby girl, I’m in a much better place emotionally now. I was so stuck in my head that I allowed it to affect every area of my life negatively, but by the grace of God, I am now free.”

  “I want that same freedom. I want counseling and a relationship with God to help me get out of my way. He is really helping you, Mom.”

  Desirae’s road to recovery had her feeling good about the direction her life was going. Therapy helped her see the mistakes she’d made in her relationships. Her attraction to Garrett had been normal, but her mistake was thinking she had to be a wife to give her heart to a man. She’d taken dating and getting to know Garrett out of the equation. Vera and Pastor Patterson had always taught Desirae and Naomi-Ruth that the Bible commanded them not to have sex or give themselves to a man before marriage. They said the only way God would approve of sexual relationships is if it were between a man and his wife. Desirae had taken this teaching to heart. Hence, that was why she’d felt she needed to marry Garrett before they could officially date and have sex. Discussing her beliefs with her therapist had helped her see marriage wasn’t the
problem. It was hopefully an end result. The problem was not getting to know herself or Garrett before she accepted his proposal and married him. Desirae now knew she could date and give her heart to a man without walking down the aisle first. What she vowed to do is hold out on sexual relations until the right man found her. Even at the age of 30, she still stood on this belief.

  After that session, Desirae felt a burden lift off of her. She’d been angry with herself for quite some time. Rosalind was elated to learn Dez’s mind was in the right place. They’d had a disagreement a few weeks before her session.

  “Dez, I just met your husband.” Rosalind burst through the door.

  “Mom, are you serious right now? I am not getting married again. I tried it, and it’s not for me.”

  “Keep talking to your therapist, and she’ll help you change your mind. In the meantime, I need you to make sure you’re extra dazzling for church Sunday because I invited him to service.”

  “I am ignoring you right now. I dress fine, and I will not go out of my way for him or any other man. Besides, I am not interested.”

  “For now, you may not be interested, but that will change. You’ll see.”

  “Goodbye, Mom. I’m going to my session.”

  Sunday arrived. Desirae caught a flat tire and made it to church right before the choir marched into the sanctuary. As she made her way to the choir stand, Desirae caught a glimpse of Rosalind grinning like a schoolgirl. Once in the choir stand, she realized why her mom was showing all of her pearly whites as she eyeballed the five foot eleven, broad-shouldered, cocoa-chocolate man standing next to Rosalind. From where she was, the same emotions she felt for Garrett suddenly consumed her. Apprehensive about where her mind was taking her, Desirae brushed the feeling off, avoided Rosalind and her guest at all costs, and waited to explain how she was feeling to her therapist at her next session.

  Much to her surprise, Desirae ran into Rosalind’s mystery guest she’d shied away from that morning at church at an open therapy session. The guest appointed to speak on emotional well-being was the assistant pastor of a Full Gospel Assembly in Raleigh, North Carolina. During the session, Desirae went from falling over her words to becoming silent. Dez did her best to avoid any further eye contact. She thought she had slipped under the same spell she’d fallen under with Garrett. But it was a whole other level. Running into him again now had her feeling the same pull, and the nerves returned. The mystery man was Xavier Washington.

  No matter how fast she sought to break toward the door at the end of the session, her legs couldn’t keep up with how fast her mind was going. Arriving at the exit, Mr. Washington stopped Desirae by standing in the doorway. He was blocking her exit.

  “I believe I know you from someplace, don’t I?” Xavier grinned.

  “No, I think you might be confusing me for someone else.”

  “No, I never forget a face. I’m bad with names, for certain, but I don’t forget faces, especially not my future bride’s face.”

  “Umm, sir, you’re obviously mistaking me for someone else. I can guarantee you I am not who you think I am.”

  “Yes, I know who you are. But I might have come off the wrong way and too straightforward, so let’s start over.” Xavier cleared his throat and extended his hand. “Hello, I am Xavier Washington and am visiting New York for the first time on business. I was wondering if you’d like to do me the honor of treating me to some Starbucks. Then you can tell me all there is to know about The Big Apple.”

  “What?” Desirae broke out in amusement.

  “See? I knew I’d get a smile and not that tough exterior for too long. Now, if you don’t mind, please lead the way to my coffee.” He backed out of the doorway.

  Desirae’s mind said no, but her heart turned against her. “That might have been the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. Since I am going in that direction, I can point you to the closest Starbucks.”

  “I’m sure you meant you’ll escort me to the place where we’ll sit and sip java together.”

  Shaking her head, Desirae led the way, expressionless. Xavier skipped alongside her like a schoolboy mocking her.

  “I can point you in the direction because I’m tough now. Move out of my way.” He trotted along.

  “I did not say that,” she giggled.

  “You’ve been smiling a lot, so I think I will call you ‘Giggles.’”

  Although she didn’t have a problem speaking up for herself and loved the person that looked back at her in the mirror every day, something about Xavier made her nervous. She found being around him caused butterflies to flutter in her belly. Her palms were sweaty, and she could not avoid the schoolgirl giggling. As they approached Starbucks, Desirae’s heart skipped a beat. Her mind told her to keep walking, but the tugging at her heart pushed her through the door.

  “Since I am not a coffee drinker, you can order whatever you want first. I’ll have a Chai tea latte.”

  “Believe it or not, I’ve never had a cup of coffee in my life. I thought that was what New Yorkers do since there are so many coffee shops everywhere. There isn’t this many in North Carolina.”

  “Wait a minute. You don’t drink coffee?”

  “Nope. I just thought it’d be cool for my new friend to treat me to something to drink.”

  “You’re completely insane.”

  “Thank heaven. God has my mind because I’d be even more of a mess if He didn’t,” he snickered.

  After laughing together, Desirae and Xavier found a table in a corner and talked as if they’ve known each other forever. The more Xavier spoke, the more comfortable he made Desirae feel. While talking, she learned his grandma Minnie raised him, and Xavier’s mom was on drugs and turned to prostitution to feed her habit. She had left Xavier in the hospital during the night and never returned. Grandma Minnie took him in and raised him, teaching him to love his mother, Carolyn, no matter what. Xavier wasn’t raised in the church. He’d come to the Lord three years before meeting Desirae. It had been eight months since they ordained him as a minister. Mr. Washington was single, and outside of a kiss to the lips, he hadn’t ever been intimate with a woman before.

  He had met Rosalind in the grocery store. She was humming a hymn his grandma used to sing all of the time. He just had to say something to her and find out what church she attended. Between talking about her church and giving the address, Rosalind spoke highly about her daughter and even showed him pictures of Desirae. The color left Desirae’s face after noticing Xavier was using it as another opportunity to poke fun at her.

  “You were a cute little, chunky baby.”

  “Oh my goodness, stop.” She shielded her face behind her hands.

  “Aww, look at you, Giggles. You know I never saw a recent picture of you, right?”

  “How did you know who I was then?”

  “I didn’t need to see any recent pictures to know who you were. I saw you in the choir stand and carried you back to my hotel with me in my prayers. And God brought you to my session.”

  “That is crazy, but I don’t want to lead you on. I am not ready for a relationship.”

  “I am just looking to be your friend right now—nothing more, nothing less. I know where this will end up, and I don’t want to go there without you becoming my friend first.”

  Once again, Xavier left Desirae speechless. He couldn’t be any more perfect in her eyes after hearing he’s saving himself for marriage. His life and who he shared a bed with were vital to him. Finding God solidified everything his grandma had taught him to believe. She wasn’t a churchgoer, but Grandma Minnie had said she’d attended religiously in the past. She realized a relationship with God was more important. Grandma Minnie was the reason Xavier believed how he did. Desirae almost fell out of her chair listening to him, because she’d never before heard a man of God talk and think like him. It was all too good to be true.

  “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Sure. Fire away.”

  “You said your grandma used t
o attend church, but she felt a relationship with God was more important.”

  “You know I asked her the same question in a million different ways because it made little sense to me. I didn’t think there was a difference. I thought Grandma was using it as an excuse because she preferred to stay home to listen and watch preachers on the television in her favorite chair. But one day, she broke it down to me, using the story of Mary and Martha. I’ll tell you what I got from the conversation and what I live my life by. Martha ran around, engaging herself with cooking, cleaning, and preparing. There’s nothing wrong with any of that. However, sometimes, we get so caught up with all the busywork like choir rehearsal, this function, that service, planning dinners, committee meetings, and everything else, that it becomes a routine. Essentially, a part of our routine is made up of many tasks. We’re so caught up doing that we’re not taking in. Mary sat at Jesus’ feet to learn and get to know Him better. I am not saying that one cannot do the work of the Lord, but sometimes, we get so caught up in all of the work that we become self-righteous in our religious works. Hence, the judgment and fights for titles and a position instead of having a relationship with the Lord like Mary. For instance, in any relationship, to get to know each other, it requires spending intimate time with the other person. If you’re busy working, how can you have quality time for Jesus when He’s in your presence?”

  “You just said a mouthful, Xavier. I never wanted to do too much because I enjoy spending time with my mom, working at the boutique, and spending time alone. Mom and I play Bible trivia. I’ve learned so much like I used to in Sunday school. Now, you’re making me reexamine all I do because I don’t want to become too busy having Jesus sitting around waiting for me. It makes me think about the song ‘He Was There All the Time.’ Mom sings it often.”