Trust Me, I’m a Personal Trainer

by Sam Derbyshire

  As the doorbell rang, Kyle put the diet sheet aside and went to answer the door. He wouldn’t put tonight’s pizza on it. Thor would get the drift. He ate crap, he looked crap and his life was crap. That was all he needed to know really. Opening the box, he stared at the contents.

  “This could be the end of a beautiful relationship, darling,” he said to the pizza. “It’s you or me now, babe, and I think, for once, it has to be me.” And as he returned to Breaking Bad, Kyle and his pizza began to savour their last succulent moments together before he would reluctantly close the lid on a long, but increasingly destructive, affair.

  * * *

  Maggie Dunbar looked at the clock. 6.15pm. Rachael should be home from work by now; she was desperate to find out how it had gone with Thor this morning. Callum had phoned to say he was running late; he did that a lot lately and they hadn’t yet discussed the fact that she knew about his affair. She knew that he knew she knew, but they were both avoiding it. He didn’t know about her affair though and she intended to keep it quiet for as long as possible despite it becoming increasingly tricky to stop looking at her phone every five minutes. Before she’d embarked on her affair with Myles Cavendish, she’d hardly used her phone. Now, however, it was the essential piece of equipment for participating in all things illicit, immoral and, quite frankly, very exciting. Encouraging her black lab away from its very comfortable position, Maggie opened the Aga door, took out a large casserole and checked the contents. All perfect as usual. It would keep nicely in the bottom oven until he got home. Maggie picked up her phone and called Rachael.

  Rachael, just in the door, had opened the fridge and shut it again. Wine during the week was now off the agenda. Sighing, she filled the kettle and switched it on. She was desperate for a drink, a biscuit or anything vaguely comforting. It had been a shit day and she was knackered after her early torture session. She couldn’t do it though. The way Thor had looked at her as she’d admitted to her weekly sugar and alcohol intake had said it all and the thought of completing the diet sheet honestly this week was very depressing. “Weight loss is eighty per cent diet and twenty per cent exercise,” he’d said as she’d tried not to stare at his thighs during his sit-up demonstration, “It’s up to you, Rachael, it’s your body not mine.” It was true and there was no point forking out thirty quid a week if she wasn’t going to ‘get with the programme’. As she opened the fridge again, looking for some inspiration, her phone rang. It was Maggie.

  “Rachael, sweetheart, how was it? How was Thor? Was it awful?”

  “Hi, Mags. Well, Thor was gorgeous, terrifying but gorgeous. Too young for us though.”

  “That’s not why we’re going, Rachael. We’re going to get fit and I still don’t believe that’s his real name. Thor Thorogood. He must have made it up.”

  “I know, but you can ask him, I’m too scared. Wait till you see his thighs, and his arms.”

  “So, what did he say? What did you have to do?” replied Maggie, ignoring her.

  “Well, for starters, he saw straight through all my lies on the diet sheet.”

  “What did you lie for?” asked Maggie in disbelief. “There’s no point in that, it’s not pretty on paper but the only person you’re lying to is yourself. I haven’t lied.”

  “Well you wouldn’t and that’s just what he said. He’s going to love you.”

  “I’m not paying good money to be loved, sweetheart, I’m paying to be honed. So, what else did he say?”

  “That I was overweight. Christ, Mags, I weigh twelve and a half stone. And that my BMI and body fat need to come down. I’m not officially obese but I’m borderline. Mind you, I lied about my height too, so I could be. It’s quite frightening when you think about it.”

  “Yes, it is, and that’s why you should stop lying. We need to face the ugly truth, Rachael, and rise to the challenge because if we don’t get on top of it now, it’ll only get worse as we hit fifty and we get all those menopausal hormones. It’s so much harder to get the weight off once our metabolism slows down.”

  “Are you reading the same books as Thor?”

  “It’s common knowledge, Rachael.”

  “Is it? Anyway, I don’t want to think about it at the moment. I’m starving, I can’t have anything nice to eat and I can’t have a glass of wine. Apparently, I have to visualise the glass of wine as a doughnut, as the glasses I pour have about the same calories. And I’m knackered and starting to stiffen up. I probably won’t be able to walk tomorrow.”

  “Was it tough?” said Maggie. She was feeling a little nervous herself now.

  “Yes, and if I were you, I’d invest in some Tena Ladies.”

  “Good god, why? I’m not old enough for those,” gasped Maggie, her imagination now working overtime.

  “Well he makes you skip and my pelvic floor wasn’t in the mood for cooperating.”

  “Oh good lord, did you wet yourself?

  “Yes, it was awful. I was trying to skip and hold it all in.”

  “Did he notice?” Maggie hadn’t given the state of her pelvic floor a second thought. Rachael had only had one daughter. She’d popped out three.

  “I have no idea but, if he did, he didn’t say anything. Luckily, I had black leggings on and he didn’t hold my feet for the sit-ups. It was awful. I couldn’t concentrate. I wish I’d stuck to Pilates now.”

  “Well thanks for the warning. I’d better go and buy some. What are you having for dinner?”

  “Boiled eggs.”

  “Is that it?”

  “It is for tonight, I’m knackered. I’m going to boil some eggs, I might even treat myself to a slice of toast, then I’m going to watch another episode of Obese, Another Year to Save my Life to make me feel better, because they are all fatter than me and the personal trainer is bloody gorgeous, then I’m going to have a bath and go to bed. Welcome to the world of perpetual misery.”

  “Focus on the goal though, sweetheart: new body, new man,” replied Maggie, trying her best to sound upbeat.

  “I hope so, Mags,” sighed Rachael, “because at the moment I think I may have got rid of one life of bloody misery and gained another. If this is what it takes to get a new man I’m beginning to wonder if it’s worth it.”

  * * *

  Thor finished typing up his notes. It had been a long day and he needed an early night. He would have to put Jess off again this evening. It wouldn’t go down well. But it was Monday, he couldn’t be expected to see her every night. He’d seen her on Saturday and chatted to her last night on the phone. She needed to understand that he was trying to run a business. If their relationship was going to go anywhere, she needed to give him some space. He would call her on the way home.

  Thor turned his attention back to his notes. He needed to make a training plan for Rachael along with a diet sheet. She wasn’t as unfit as he’d expected, although he’d never seen a sit-up like that before. How she’d managed to sit up with her knees and buttocks clenched so tightly was fascinating. He’d need to look at her execution in more detail next week as he didn’t want any injuries before they got started. She had a great sense of humour though and he was looking forward to getting to grips with the woman behind the feisty exterior. That was always the fun bit. He looked again at his notes. It was Kyle Cameron tomorrow and he was a completely different kettle of fish. Kyle needed his help big time. He didn’t want to let him down.

  CHAPTER 4

  Tuesday

  As Thor watched Kyle walk across the car park, his body language was that of a beaten man. He was hugely overweight and he’d let himself go big time. It was obvious that his self-esteem was at rock bottom. Hopefully he could help him to turn things around. Thor was tired himself this morning; he’d had an earful from Jess last night and she’d messaged him constantly until he’d turned his phone off at midnight. Things weren’t going well. Turning the phone off was probably the final straw; he hadn’t heard from her this morning.

  Kyle handed over his sheet. Nervously he looked
around Thor’s office. ‘If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you,” shouted one poster. ‘Today is a new beginning’ and ‘Think about why you started’ screamed the others. Kyle sighed. This wasn’t going to be easy. It was going to be slow and painful and would, in all likelihood, push his resolve to the limit.

  “So, Kyle, why are you here? What do you want from these sessions?” asked Thor after skimming over Kyle’s sheet.

  “Pretty obvious, isn’t it? I’m a fat bastard and I can’t get a date.”

  Thor looked at him. He was overweight and unshaven and with the sleeveless vest top and skull and cross bones bandana, he looked like a serial killer. If his dating photo was a true representation, it was hardly surprising he wasn’t getting many dates.

  “Fair play, that’s a pretty honest assessment. So that’s the goal, is it? To get a date?”

  “Pretty much, although I might also drop dead soon if I don’t lose weight. My life’s pretty crap actually.”

  Thor looked at him. This was going to be a tough one.

  “OK, so things will need to change on the diet front, but you probably know that. So, let’s see how much you weigh, get some body fat measurements and then we can do your fitness test. Once we’ve done that, we can draw up a plan and set some goals. Happy with that?”

  Kyle shrugged. “That’s what I’m here for.”

  “Good man. Right, on the scales” said Thor chirpily.

  Like the condemned man, Kyle stood on the scales. He had no idea what to expect. He’d never weighed himself before.

  “Ninety-five kilograms, fifteen stone,” said Thor, writing it down as Kyle stepped off the scales. “Now, hold this and stand still.” Thor handed him the body fat monitor. “OK, let’s have a look. BMI thirty-one and body fat thirty-two per cent.”

  Kyle sat down. He knew fifteen stone wasn’t good but, to be honest, he knew his weight situation wasn’t great just from looking in the mirror.

  “Well, mate,” said Thor, pushing the chart towards Kyle, “that’s you there, in the obese section.”

  “No surprise there,” muttered Kyle.

  “So, we need to make a plan. I’m not going to lie to you; it’s going to be tough but if you’re serious about getting yourself into shape and getting a date then you’re going to have to find some willpower.”

  “I know,” muttered Kyle. The challenge was looking tougher by the second.

  “Let’s look at this sheet again. It’s pretty obvious that the diet has to change; you can’t survive on pizza and fizzy drinks, well long term anyway. I’ve got a diet plan for you that’s easy to manage. What do you do at work? Do you go out at lunchtime?”

  “To the takeaway, there’s a mobile van outside the office. We’re on an industrial estate.”

  “Pizza?”

  “Usually.”

  “Is there another option, a healthier place to go, or could you make something yourself? The thing is, you’re not moving about much at work. You probably don’t run around much selling cars, do you?”

  “No. I’m not really in the showroom, most of the time I’m sitting on my arse at a computer and then I sit on my arse again when I get home,” Kyle sighed. Telling the truth was painful.

  “And you drive to work?”

  “Yep.”

  “And did you play any sport when you were younger?”

  “Football,” replied Kyle, his mood lifting momentarily. “I was pretty good, played for St Johnston until I got injured but I didn’t deal with it very well; I let myself go and then they let me go. It just got worse after that really.” Kyle looked at his hands. Thor could tell that it hurt and that his current lifestyle was destroying him mentally.

  “And do you have family?” asked Thor, more softly now.

  “Just my dad. Well, he’s in Aberdeen now. My mum died when I was fifteen.”

  “I’m really sorry about that, mate.”

  “Yeah, it was pretty shit. Still is, actually.”

  Thor looked at him. The guy needed help and he’d come to him. He couldn’t let him down.

  “OK, let’s go through to the gym and get your fitness test done and then we can make a plan. We’ve got a lot of work to do, pal, but I’m sure you’re up for it.”

  * * *

  “So, when was the last time you went on a date?” continued Thor, trying to dig a bit deeper as he set Kyle off on the treadmill. “Has it been a while?”

  Kyle watched in silent dread as Thor increased the incline. It was going to be a long ten minutes.

  “Ages,” replied Kyle as he set off on his first minute of walking. “I’ve asked a few girls out in the past couple of weeks and they always say they’ll get back to me, but they never do.”

  Thor looked at him. Kyle was clearly already starting to feel the pace and he hadn’t even asked him to run yet.

  “OK, I’m going to speed it up a little, so I want you to jog now for the next thirty seconds. We’ll alternate it then between walking and jogging until the ten minutes is up. You OK with that?”

  “Yep,” replied Kyle, a little more breathlessly now, “hopefully I won’t drop dead.”

  As the tempo increased, Thor continued to quiz him.

  “And have you tried dating sites?”

  “Yep, no good,” replied Kyle, his breathing rate increasing, “I’ve even joined Tinder and not one match. I’ve swiped loads and not one match I’ve not had a green heart yet”

  Bloody hell, thought Thor. He never knew that was possible. As far as he was aware, tapping the green heart on Tinder at least indicated they were interested.

  “You’re obviously swiping the wrong girls then,” he replied, trying to lighten the mood. Kyle didn’t reply, already struggling to speak and breathe at the same time. Thor turned the treadmill down to walking pace again. The guy was seriously unfit.

  “So, have you got mates that you go out with?” Thor continued, trying to keep the conversation going. If Kyle could speak, they’d carry on.

  “Not really,” replied Kyle through his gasps, “just guys from work, they probably feel sorry for me.”

  “In what way?” said Thor, turning up the speed again.

  “Billy no mates. Christ, I can’t do this.”

  “Yes you can. If you can still speak, you can run.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Do you want to get a date or not?”

  “Yeah, but I’m gonna die.”

  “Twenty seconds and you can walk.”

  With the twenty seconds up, Thor turned down the speed. This was only the first test and Kyle looked beat; he was pouring with sweat. There was no doubt that he had a real challenge on his hands. Thor was optimistic though; he had a feeling that Kyle had a real desire to pull it off.

  And he liked the guy. Somehow, they had to get him his life back and, more importantly, find him a date –even a green heart would be a start.

  “Right, mate, one more minute and then we’ll move on. I know it hurts but you’re doing great. Every step is a step closer to a green heart.”

  “Or a bloody heart attack,” mumbled Kyle, wiping the perspiration from his eyes. “If I survive this, I’ll be wanting more than an effing green heart.”

  * * *

  Thor handed Kyle a diet sheet. He looked exhausted, but he’d made it through the tests and hadn’t given in. There was hope on the horizon.

  “You did well, mate. Really well, better than I expected so be proud of yourself. The diet sheet gives you some easy ideas for good food that won’t add to your waistline. If you can try and stick to it, it would be a massive step in the right direction. And if you do one thing, cut out the fizzy drinks and sugar. Sugar is the bad guy, alright?”

  “No fizzy drinks at all?”

  “Nope, they need to go.”

  “What about diet versions?”

  “Just as bad. Try and wean yourself off them, and the pizza. OK?

  “OK.”

  “And we’ll be outside next week.”

&nbs
p; “Outside? Where everyone can see me? Do I have to?”

  “Trust me, it’s a lot more fun outside than pounding on a bloody treadmill. And if you can make the circuits classes in between these sessions, it will really help.”

  “I’m not sure I’m ready for that.”

  “Look, honestly, you won’t be the only overweight guy there and no one will notice what you’re doing, everyone’s too busy concentrating on their own stuff. I’d be really proud of you if you could make one or two and we’d definitely move towards your goal a lot quicker.”

  “I’ll see.” Kyle wasn’t sure; the thought of being outdone by a roomful of thin, fit women didn’t hold any appeal. He didn’t want their pity.

  “Great. Now, if you have any questions, you’ve got my number?”

  Kyle stood up. He was already starting to seize up.

  “Thanks, I really appreciate it.”

  Thor patted him on the back. “No, thank you, mate, for giving it your all. I have high hopes for you, pal.”

  Kyle laughed. “I’ll see you next week.”

  “Or at circuits?”

  “Or at circuits.”

  And as he watched Kyle walk back towards his car, Thor felt a slight burden of responsibility. Kyle was fragile; he was going to need a lot of encouragement and support. But Thor was up for it. The Green Heart Challenge was well and truly on.

  * * *

  In her bedroom, Maggie Dunbar stood naked in front of the mirror, having bathed and shaved her legs in preparation for her first session with Thor. She wasn’t in bad shape for a woman of forty-seven, but she wanted to tone things up if possible. Up until she’d started her affair with Myles Cavendish, she really hadn’t given her body much thought. Playing golf and her horse riding had kept her reasonably fit, along with all the work she did in the stables, and she rarely sat down during the day. If she hadn’t met Myles, she probably wouldn’t have worried about it. Callum, her husband, had shown no inclination to have any form of intimacy over the past year, his depression going hand in hand with a lack of interest in her, and she’d resigned herself to just riding out the storm in a loveless marriage, keeping calm, carrying on and trying not to think about it. But then she’d met Myles, or rather she’d seduced Myles, and by some miracle he seemed to have fallen in love with her. She had no idea what the future had in store and things were getting complicated. Still, at the moment, her priority was to get back in shape. If Thor, or whatever his real name was, could get her stomach flatter and her thighs and arse toned, she would be eternally grateful and it would be money well spent. She needed to keep it quiet from Callum though; he might be having an affair too, but she had no intention of giving him any hints about her own.