First thing I need to do, is act as if I am someone worthy of being chosen. Tonight, she would clean up. Get as much dust from her as she could and put on a nice dress. She didn’t need to relegate herself to the dusty ways of those around her.
Then she would begin to engage these men in conversation. Real talk and not just where are we, or when will we stop? She’d look at the food they had left and decide on a worthy dinner for them all.
Yes, today, she would begin to look at herself as a woman of worth and value. And then she would start to ask the men questions. See which one valued her. For she wasn’t going to settle for whichever man felt he was stuck with her. No, sir. She wanted them to choose her.
Anna had been encouraging her to see herself in a new light. All Susan’s life, she had been the hand me down girl. The leftover. Go and see if Susan can play. After her friends had asked everyone else.
Susan felt a sadness cover her. How had she wasted so much of her life waiting for something to happen. Waiting for someone to care about her? Why hadn’t she looked in the mirror and liked who she saw?
“Today, I change all that. I am someone. I will find out who. And I will choose who I want to marry. Or don’t marry. No more invisible Susan.”
She smiled and picked up the pace. The mound was getting closer. For once in her life, she was curious. How did such a big rock get put here on the flat surface of the planet? And why?
Excitement picked up her spirit. The world changed before her eyes, and she felt alive. Susan looked skyward and thanked the Lord for watching out for her. The blue of the sky seemed brighter.
She glanced at the oxen. Two black and two red. Somehow, she’d never really paid attention to them. As if they were but extensions of the wagon. But today, they were four different oxen.
Big Red, the one John liked, was walking, head up, and strong without hesitating. His yoke mate was black. Head down, he trudged along, keeping up but with no interest in the world around him.
The two behind, one black and one red. They kept their heads up and pulled. Such strength Susan could see in their shoulders. She thanked the Lord for such strong beasts of burden and how they obediently pulled the wagon.
Then she looked at John. His head was up, too. He must have been looking at the mounded rock they were traveling to. Red shirt, dark brown trousers. And a dark hat with a round rim. He looked like a farmer.
Of course, that would be because he had on Dan’s clothes. Still, he looked the part. She wondered what he saw. John had a different way of thinking form most people. Certainly, from most men.
Once, he’d stopped and shown her a flower along the side of the road. It was blue with bell-shaped flowers. He pointed out to her the intricate design and coloring. With pride, he pointed up and said. “God is the creator. I think he had fun designing these, don’t you think?”
Susan had nodded. She’d never thought about how things had been created. How God was watching out for them. She’d heard the preacher talking about how God was good and how He promised to work all things out to good for those who loved Him and were called according to His purpose.
She pondered the words. What purpose had God called her? She wasn’t sure. This new life would need some study. For today, it was as if she’d been born anew. Today was her first day as a woman of measure. A person who counted on God, first but also to herself.
And later, she would find out if she mattered to John and Ed. Yes, she would discover for herself. She breathed in a lungful of air. Yes, she smelled oxen and horse. But if she sniffed just right, some flower somewhere was shedding its aroma.
The flowers wouldn’t know if anyone could smell them, but they were fragrant anyway. To bless God. To be according to their purpose, she supposed. And she spent the rest of the afternoon, trying to discover what it was she had that God had put in her to bless others.
Finally, they stopped at the big mounded rock. Its sleek slope reminded some of a beached whale. To her, it was a mystery. And she purposed to explore the rock and write her name on it as so many before had.
She’d see if Ed or John would go with her. Susan wanted to record what she was seeing in her mind so she could think back on the day she’d come alive. She cleaned up and changed clothes and then fixed a fire.
They had ham and beans. She’d make biscuits as they had stopped earlier than most days. Anna came over and was baking a peach pie for dessert.
“You look different, Susan.”
“How is that?”
“Happy.” Anna smiled at her. “I don’t mean to offend.”
“Oh, none taken. I am happy. The Lord and I had a wonderful talk today, and it is if I came alive today. No more just existing for me. After dinner, I’d like to take a look at Independence Rock.” Anna grinned. “And it is July third. Sam said we’d rest tomorrow and have a party.”
Susan smiled. “Yes, I heard that too. I am ready.”
“You have changed. The last time we had a party, all you did was sit and watch. Perhaps this time, you’ll dance.”
“Yes, I will. I do have a decision to make by the end of the journey, you know.”
Setting the table, Anna sneaked a look at her. “So, do you know who you want to marry yet?”
“No. I really don’t, but I will. I know that now.”
Anna put a hand to her chin and sighed. “I’m not sure which one of them I like the best. John is the friendly one. Ed is a mystery. Both are handsome when cleaned up.”
“Yes, they are. I am sure I will know. And the answer could be neither one of them. I don’t have to marry Ed or John.”
Anna stirred the beans. “No, you don’t. There are plenty of young men waiting in Oregon. The world is yours. I’m so happy for you.”
“The first thing I decided I needed to do is to find out who I am and what it is I want to do. Goodness, I can’t believe I am twenty-three and have yet to find out who I am.”
“Why, Susan. You’re a delightful friend to me.”
Holding the flour for the biscuits, she looked at Anna. “Thank you. And you are a wonderful friend too. I think maybe I will find out who I am by looking at others in a good and interesting light.”
Anna lit one of the candles on the table. “I think that is an excellent idea. Do you mind if I join you on your quest?”
“Not at all. We’ll start tonight. See how many good things we can spot in the men who share our table.”
Later that evening, Nick was first to come to dinner and sat beside Anna. Always the protector for his sister, Susan saw the love he had for her. The strength and goodness in Nick. He was a good man. If he hadn’t been interested in another, Susan would have considered him.
Laine ran to them and grabbed a biscuit. “My favorite. Smells good ladies.”
Susan had to smile. He was becoming so much like Ed that she could hear Ed’s words come out of Laine. “Thank you. But wash your hands before you sit down.”
With a disgusted groan, the boy smiled nonetheless as he headed for the washbowl.
John was next and washed his hands before sitting down. He always sat on her left. Ed on her right.
“Smells like a good meal. You ladies better come up with something good tomorrow for the party.”
Anna grinned. “I am sure we will.”
Ed was last. He rode his horse to the wagon and tied him up. “I’ll have to eat fast. I’ll be the first to stand watch tonight.”
Susan glanced at him. “Are there Indians around?”
“Maybe. Thought tomorrow, we could go look at Independence Rock. Write our names on it.” Ed wiped his hands and sat to her right.
Anna sent a wink to her.
Susan nodded. “That would be wonderful. I was just telling Anna that I’d like to do just that. Will you be standing watch on the rock tonight?”
Ed looked at her and nodded. “I suppose, it’s the best place.” His eyes held an inviting look.
Susan picked up a biscuit and dipped it in the beans. “The moon is full.”
/> John stared at her. “Nice night for a walk.”
Anna grabbed her brother’s hand. “Oh, could we. I bet half the wagon train will be at the rock.”
Nick darted a look to Ed and shrugged. “I suppose we can.”
Susan ate a hearty dinner. Everything tasted good. Better than she’d remembered. And yes, the moon was full. After cleaning up, she watched Ed ride away, and John settle down on his bedroll.
Anna and Nick walked along the trail and headed for the big rock.
“You want to walk tonight?” John’s quiet voice surprised her.
Startled, she looked at him. “Yes, I’d like that.”
John looked toward the trail. “You can still catch Anna. I guess Laine went with Ed.”
“I don’t know where he went. Do you mind?”
John looked at her, his eyes tender and knowing. “No, I don’t mind. Go ahead. I’ll hold down the wagons.”
Susan was surprised at his answer as she had thought he would walk her to the rock. However, she didn’t argue. The thought crossed her mind that perhaps this was an answer. She took off her apron and threw it on the back of the tailgate and ran to catch Anna.
Chapter 15
Ed climbed to the top of the rock. He could see all around. The long line of wagons. The tired oxen were munching on what grass they could find. Laine was talking to his stepbrother. That made Ed happy.
He regretted not having made up with his brother. Now it was too late. At times, he liked to think about what Dan would say about the circumstances. Would Dan want him to marry Susan? Or would he feel better if she married his friend, John.
Ed wasn’t sure who would be the better man for her. John had asked him to help him not drink anymore. If John didn’t drink, he might make a good husband. Ed didn’t have that problem. He’d learned early on that liquor made one unfit for anything.
Especially if you were a gunfighter and any day could be your last. There was no room for error. But he was getting tired of having to live as if he were a spring coiled too tightly. Having Laine around had helped him relax.
Except when he was around Susan. Then he was wound tighter than a freshly wound watch. Afraid he’d say the wrong thing and prove he wasn’t the man for her. Then he wondered why he wanted to marry her in the first place.
Not like she was a spirited woman. Quiet fit her. Almost as if she wished she were invisible. He was afraid that if she chose him, she’d drift away, and he’d never notice her. She was a handsome woman, but so quiet. Almost as if she didn’t exist.
But what kind of woman would he want? In the past, most had been saloon girls. See them a few nights and never think of them again. That wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted a woman that wanted him.
A woman that wanted to be with him and wasn’t afraid of her own shadow. If they were to make a farm or ranch together, he’d have to be sure he could leave her, and she’d be all right on her own for a time.
Susan didn’t give him that confidence. She reminded him of one of those flowers that came up in the fields, shone for a day, and then were gone. That was Susan. Unassuming. As if she had no opinion.
Maybe she’d be good for John. He had enough fun and life in him for the both of them. Yet, Ed couldn’t see John working hard to make a go of the land.
Ed watched the moon rise and shower the land with its silver light. It looked like many of the pioneers were taking a moonlit stroll. The ache inside him became real. He missed having a friend. A woman to talk to.
The loneliness was eating at him. At first, he thought Laine would take the edge off, but he knew what he really wanted was a wife. A life companion to share joys and troubles with. He’d put off the notion for some time.
But that was what he wanted. He hated to admit it to himself. But now was the time to acknowledge the deep want in his life. Could Susan fill that need? Would she want to?
Yet, she was the woman in front of him. The one he’d allowed to come along to Oregon with Dan’s wagon. Ed liked her well enough, but he needed some kind of sign from her.
She never showed who she favored between John and him. Like it didn’t matter. That’s something Ed couldn’t take, and that would be a woman who didn’t care. He wanted one who smiled when she said his name.
A woman who wanted him around. To touch him. Kiss him. He found a spot, sat down with his rifle, and watched over the land. His heart yearned for companionship. Love. He was so tired of being alone.
Ed glanced at the stars. “Surely, God, you made all those stars. Named them. Do you see me? Or did I do such things that you wrote me out of Your Book of Life? I’m sorry for all the times I rode wild over the land. I never killed those who weren’t trying to kill me, but I know I didn’t lead a life pleasing unto You. Forgive me, Lord. If I am the best man for Susan, let me know. Let her know. Amen.”
The soft murmurs from the men and women on the wagon train sounded below. A few climbed to the top of the sloping rock. It wasn’t a hard climb. He nodded at a couple of boys and saw that Laine was with his stepbrother.
Laine ran to him. “All right if we sit up here for a while?”
“Sure.” Ed smiled at him. Laine had changed. He had a reason to be good and live right. Ed felt a change in himself. He wanted a reason to live a good life. The answer wafted around him. Susan, it whispered.
Could he change for her? Live like a good man and work to provide and love her? Maybe. If he felt she thought he was worth it, he could.
Then again, the soft whispers in his soul spoke to him. On how he saw her. How he needed to see her.
He chewed on a piece of jerky. Was that the answer. Look at Susan as worthy? Yet, isn’t that what Jesus had done by thinking more highly of others?
Ed sat up and looked around. Most of the people had left the rock. But one. He saw her come up the southwest side of the rock where the climb was easiest. Her skirt swayed in the slight breeze as she walked toward him. He couldn’t see her face, but he knew it was her.
“Susan?”
“Ed, I want to talk to you.” She came to him and sat not three feet from him.
He could smell the sweet aroma of her. The moonlight shone silver on her hair. “I’m glad you came.”
“I’ve been doing some hard thinking. Wondering about my life and why I’ve put up with whatever came my way. I never went after anything. Perhaps, my mail-order marriage to Dan, but that was more of out of desperation.”
Her voice was different. Sure. Ed sat up. He looked around to make sure the land was peaceful. Then he looked at Susan. And for the first time, he saw her as a person he would like to know. “I understand. I’ve been much the same. I would think John would say the same thing.”
Susan smiled. “Yes, I believe that, too. But what I want to do is decide for myself what it is I want. I’m not going to settle for whichever one of you picks me. I’m going to find out what I want.”
Ed stared at her. Mesmerized by her words. It was as if she had all of a sudden come alive. No longer was she the invisible woman who needed a husband. No longer was she a woman not worth fighting over.
Ed knew at the moment, she was the woman for him. That he would do whatever he could to show her that he was the man for her. In the night breeze, a bird called to its mate. Another bird answered.
Yes, she was the one for him. He reached for her and took her hand. “Then we’ll find out together. I’ve changed. Maybe you can’t see it yet, but inside deep, I’ve become a new man. Or maybe it was the real me that is finally being able to show himself. I hope you’ll like him.”
Susan smiled and caressed his hand. “Your hand is so rough. Like you. Strong and tough. You need gentling. Like an unruly colt you’ve been allowed to run free too long. But you’re a grown man now. It’s time for both of us to step into the life that God made for us. I know you can do it, Ed. I’m not saying you’re the one for me. But I am saying, before this trip is over, I will know if you are the right man. And I will tell you.”
He gri
nned. She didn’t know it yet. But he knew. He stood and held his hand to help her stand. Ponting west, he put an arm around her. “Look as far west as you can and some to the north. That’s where we’ll be.” He looked at her, staring into her eyes. “We’ll both know by then.”
She nodded, keeping her gaze on his.
The breeze slid between them. Reminding them that they were two people. Apart for now. Ed took his arm from her and stepped aside. “I better keep my watch. Can you make it down by yourself?”
She nodded. “I can. Tonight, I can.” She walked away from him. A confident woman. Unafraid.
He watched her go. His heart yearning to follow her. But that was for later. He needed to find himself, and what it was he could do to win her to him. He would have to set his past aside. That was something he wasn’t sure about. There could be men who looked to settle a score with him. He’d have to deal with that. Susan would, too. It was the part of his past that he couldn’t control.
If his being near Susan put her in danger, he’d leave now. The thought bothered him. Can a gunfighter ever put it away? Not that he was well-known. But already he’d had several fights. And the one at Fort Laramie.
She’d been too close to that one. He yanked his hat off and swung it against his leg. Why did it always end like this? Just as he made up his mind to pursue her, he was faced with the fact that he could get her killed.
That, he couldn’t do. There was no way he would allow her to be in danger because of him. He shook his head and walked the length of Independence Rock, all the while thinking about how he was not free from his past. Nor did it look like he ever could be.
Chapter 16
Susan stepped from the big rock and took her first steps as a woman who knew a man was interested in her. She could hear it in his voice. The desire. Not in an untoward way, but in a mature way between a man and a woman.
The same way that she thought about him. Had she made up her mind? Susan wasn’t entirely sure. She owed John to at least look at him as he was struggling to turn his life around. She’d had an uncle who’d become a slave to whiskey.
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