by Coralee June
And yet, there was a careless danger lurking around every corner. Of all the women in all the world, why her? Was it because she was forbidden that had my dick all worked up? I’d met women I couldn’t have in the past, so that wasn’t it. Maybe it was my hero complex. Rose had kept harping on that with me in our sessions. She said I needed to feel like I could save myself, so I saved others.
Lance gave till he bled; I liked to jump in front of moving trains. Neither was productive. Blakely was a train derailing my life, and I didn’t understand why I was so determined to stand there and let her.
“Hey man, wake up,” a gruff voice said while shoving my shoulder. My eyes opened up, and I jolted when I saw a concerned Lance hovering over me. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, my voice laced with sleepiness and an edge I couldn’t hold back. I checked my alarm clock on the nightstand and winced when I saw that it was four a.m. My first thought was, he knew. That’s why he was here. He saw us, or he noticed the way Blakely and I clammed up the rest of the night. He saw the light bruise on her neck from my teeth or the way my hair was ruffled from her digging, demanding fingers. I’d ruined the best friendship I’d ever had for someone I hardly knew.
“What’s up?” I choked out, my voice gruff from emotion and the lack of sleep.
“It’s Blakely,” he began. My heart hit a brick wall. “I thought I heard the door open, so I went to go check. She’s not in her room. I’ve called her about a thousand times, and she’s not answering. I have the building security searching for her, but she’s not here.”
Shit. Lance looked distraught, and I knew it was my fault. I probably spooked her. I got out of bed, tossing my comforter to the side before grabbing my sweats and putting them on. I was still sleepy, a deep yawn escaping my lips and contradicting the racing in the broken cage of my chest. “Did anything happen last night while I was searching for my wallet? She was quiet when we got home. Why would she leave? Should I call the police?” Lance’s words were racing out of his mouth. His blond hair was standing straight up, likely from sleep and running his hands maniacally through it.
Lance was rambling. He did this when he was freaked out. I watched as he paced the floors, clenching and unclenching his fist as he tried to make sense of it all. I’d seen him do this a number of times. When his parents got in the car accident. When his dog went missing and got hit by a car. When the woman held me at gunpoint. I should have told him, admitted to what happened on the Ferris wheel, but I was a proud bastard and too ashamed to let the truth fall from my lips. Did she run away because of me?
“I’m sure it’s nothing,” I lied, not willing to admit what had happened just yet. I wanted to hold on to my best friend just a little longer. Call me a coward, but I needed the facts first. Maybe Blakely just went for a drive. “Let’s call Rose and drive around. I’m sure we’ll find her. Is her car still parked?”
“No. Her car is gone. Shit, Decker, what if I fucked this all up? I can’t lose her…”
“Stop. We’ll find her, okay?” I walked over to brace my hands on my best friend’s shoulders, forcing him to stand still for a moment and look me in the eye. “We will find her and drag her back kicking and screaming if we have to,” I promised. I wasn’t sure if my steel determination was because I wanted to be a supportive friend or because I’d developed my own infatuation with Blakely. It was probably both. Fuck.
I felt like the worst person ever. This was so wrong. One life-altering kiss, and I’d ruined everything. I knew I would never be the same after her pink lips touched mine, but I hadn’t expected my life to crash and burn so quickly.
I laced up my tennis shoes and put on a shirt before jogging after Lance to the parking garage for his Land Rover. If she was in her car, we would need to cover more ground. “Should we take two cars?” Lance asked. We probably should, but I knew how Lance got when he was stressed. His entire body would shake, and he couldn’t focus on one thing long enough to handle his business. It’s why we worked so well together.
He was vibrant and erratic in chaos, like the ocean. I was the mountain. Tall, proud, and unmovable. When he’d saved my life, he jumped on impulse. I was busy trying to calculate the odds of our survival.
“No. Let’s ride together. It might take both of us to bring her back,” I replied.
“Right. Right. Okay, cool, cool, cool,” Lance said, his fingers shaking as he started the car.
I dialed Rose’s number, but it went straight to voicemail. “Hey, Rose, Blakely ran off. If you see her, can you call me please? Thanks.”
“Why do you think she left?” Lance asked as I hung up the phone. We drove slowly down the nearly empty street, eyeing every late-night pedestrian and homeless person sleeping on the street with unease. “I am totally putting a tracker on her phone after this.” It’s like he was reading my mind. It didn’t seem like enough, though. Maybe we should put a video camera by the door, too. Motion sensors. A guard dog. I gritted my teeth. How could she just leave? Why?
“It could be nothing. Maybe she was craving ice cream or something. Girls are weird,” I lied. Lance could always tell when I was lying. He knew all my secrets. All my shame. All my regrets. It’s why I felt so conflicted about keeping my kiss with Blakely from him. What the fuck was wrong with me? A lifetime of friendship for one girl I didn’t even know? My cock and I needed to have a serious conversation about keeping shit in check.
“Don’t say shit just to placate me. Think.”
“I-I don’t know,” I lied again. He eyed me.
“Did she say anything at the carnival? She seemed like she was having fun.” My best friend looked on the edge of a breakdown. I watched him grip the steering wheel, his eyes wild and frantic as he looked back and forth on the dark Memphis streets. I debated offering to drive, but he would have taken it personally. Lance needed to feel like he was doing something. He was a fixer.
“Look, I need to tell you something,” I whispered before settling in my seat. Blakely might kill me, but Lance deserved the truth—or at least the amount of truth I was willing to give him.
“Blakely’s mom wasn’t very good to her. She tells you the fluffy shit because she wants you to have something good to hold onto, but man, she’s been through some fucked up stuff.” We both let my statement permeate the air for a moment, weighing us both down. I breathed in once. Twice. Blakely didn’t want Lance knowing just how bad it was, but maybe it wasn’t her call to make.
“I got that impression,” Lance gritted before turning right on a street and parking. Leaning forward, he braced his head against his hands, and I watched him take in deep breaths before speaking again. Was this how he was when he saved my life? Shaky but determined? Did he expand his chest with oxygen, then take the leap? I was such a shitty friend. I needed to breathe, not fuck up his rocky relationship with Blakely. “I’m not an idiot. I spoke with her social worker. I know she’s bullshitting me.”
Well, that surprised me. Lance was a hopeless optimistic. It’s why people took advantage of him so easily. “You knew?” I asked.
“I’m more surprised you knew,” Lance replied. “You’ve been against her being here since day one. And I get it. Some wayward sister comes out of the woodwork, and you want to protect me. This isn’t some survivor’s guilt bullshit. I genuinely want a relationship with my sister. Anyone that can put up with what she’s endured is someone I want in my life. Not once has she asked for anything. I practically had to beg her to trust me. And now I can’t help but feel like I’m doing everything wrong.”
I wanted to tell him that it was me doing everything wrong, but the words were lodged in my throat. I refused to let them break free. “So if you knew her ma was a piece of shit, why try to bring that bitch back to life with all these gestures?”
Lance let out a sigh. “I’m not trying to bring her back. I have an amazing mom. Maybe it’s wrong, but I didn’t feel anything when I heard my birth mother was dead. I don’t have grief for a woman I ne
ver knew. She gave me a better life by giving me up. I’m sad at the time I missed with Blakely. I’m sad she didn’t have the life I did. Getting her to talk about herself was like pulling at splinters. She seemed to want to give me something in return for staying here rent free, so when she gave me that photo, all I saw was a way in. I was hoping we could recreate all the bad shit in her life and make it something positive and…ours.”
It all suddenly made sense. The roses. The truth. The carnival and photo. It was never about Blakely’s mom. I was so busy peeling back Blakely’s layers that I didn’t stop to check in with Lance. He was obviously scrambling to make this work. He’s been doing everything he could, and I was too busy focusing on myself to realize what was going on. It was a misguided approach, but it made me feel proud.
“Why not instead of trying to change past hurts, you create new memories? Take her to work. Ask about her. You’re bonding over something she wants to forget. The only way to start something new is to stop reliving the past. I get that you were grasping for straws in the beginning, but she’s opening up, or at least I thought she was.”
I was pissed that she left. Not for the same reasons as Lance, obviously. But I didn’t like how she ran mere hours after something so…so…so…
Intense. Her kiss had awakened something within me outside of the wrongness of what we did. I’d never felt so alive. It was one of those kisses you could feel everywhere. And even if it couldn’t happen again, I was still moved by it.
Lance nodded. “You’re right. And I fully plan on doing that. How do you know about this?” he asked, and I knew I’d have to tread carefully. He was eyeing me with that look, the one that could read between the lines.
“We talk sometimes. I pull the information out of her. Don’t take her to a dance hall,” I blurted out, wanting to change the subject with something that would shock Lance so he’d stop prodding me. I was such a major disappointment. I needed to own up like a man and not cheapen my obsession with smoke and mirrors; I just didn’t know how.
“Why?”
“Last time her mom took her to one, she got felt up. She hates it.”
Lance gritted his teeth in rage. “And carnivals?”
I let out a shaky breath. “Not really a fan of those either, though she really seemed to have a good time last night.” I swallowed. Well, I hoped she’d enjoyed last night. No. No, no, no.
No.
“Fuck.” Lance flexed his muscles before picking up his phone and calling her again. It went straight to voicemail. “Look, I appreciate you trying to help with Blakely, but I’ve got this. I want her to feel safe opening up to me. We’ve had each other’s backs my entire life, but I want you to take a step back. You seem too invested.”
The lines were blurred, and his words were seemingly innocent, but I heard the underlying interpretation: Stay away from Blakely. He placed a hand on my shoulder and squeezed while peering intently in my eyes. Could he see the secrets in my gaze?
“You’ve always had my back, Decker Harris. Lord knows you’ve scared off enough of my shitty partners to create an army of exes. But this time, I’ve got it. I don’t need saving from my sister. I want you to keep your distance.”
“Why?” I blurted out, kicking myself the second that single syllable word escaped my lips.
“Because I’m a selfish asshole that wants to be the person she runs to. Our relationship is rocky, and I don’t want to feel like I’m competing for attention with you. She’s young, and I’m not stupid. I’ve seen the way she looks at you. It’s probably a crush that has her opening up.” I could feel the blood draining from my face. “I know you’d never do anything, but sometimes you don’t realize how much girls drool over you.” He chuckled.
I could feel every cell in my body screaming.
“I am hard to resist,” I replied with a playful laugh, trying to hide the panic in my chest. “And with school starting soon, it’s probably better. I don’t want any rumors starting. You’re right. She’s been through a lot and might misinterpret my kindness for something else.”
Lance placed a hand on my shoulder, and I turned to look at him. “I know you were getting close to her to help me, but I’ve got it. We can’t always fight each other’s battles for one another. Thank you, but tonight has brought me some clarity. I’ll do better about connecting with her and not using you as a buffer.”
I glanced out the window, staring at the night sky and trying to think of where she could have gone, guilt barreling through me once again. I was running through options when I spotted a white Toyota parked at a twenty-four hour diner nearby. “Wait, is that her car?” I asked while nudging Lance.
He leaned over me to get a better look, and I watched as his eyes widened. “Yes! That’s it. I’m going to park behind it so she can’t run. Let’s go drag her back to the apartment.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
10
Blakely
Frank Stewart looked good. Prison life suited him, I suppose. He had a few more tattoos, a few less pounds, and a ton more wrinkles. Bald and intimidating, Dad looked every bit the hardened criminal that he was.
I had my fingers wrapped around a hot coffee mug while I stared at him. I didn’t even know he was getting out, let alone driving all the way to Tennessee to see me.
I liked Dad. He’d made bad choices, but he wasn’t all bad.
“Thanks for meeting with me. I know it’s early, but my buddy got me a job at a shipping yard nearby, and I have to be there in two hours. I wanted to see you.” His voice was rough and sounded like he smoked a pack of cigarettes a day.
“Of course. I wish you would have told me you were coming sooner.”
“I wasn’t sure I could make it work. Had to coordinate with my parole officer. I figured you’ve had enough hope and disappointment to last you a lifetime.” I went silent, spinning my spoon in my cup. Unable to sleep, I’d spent all night tossing and turning; Dad’s call didn’t even wake me up. I was happy he was here, but I didn’t know what this meant for me—for us.
“You got out early,” I observed before smiling at him. “I’m proud of you. And you came here? Got a job? Found me, too.”
I reached out to grab his hand, squeezing a bit with sincerity. The world saw anger and a dark past when they looked in his eyes, but I saw a man that made one fatal mistake and had to pay ten years for it. I didn’t get to see him as often as I would have liked, but he wrote me emails and called when he could. We didn’t know much about one another, but we weren’t strangers either. We were just a couple of people bonded by blood and a mutual hatred for the woman that put him behind bars.
“I heard about Sharron. Sorry, kid. I’m sure that was hard for you to deal with on your own,” he murmured before shoveling eggs into his mouth. I knew there was no sadness in his words for Mama. His only grief was for what I had to go through. It made me feel better.
“I’m better now,” I replied.
“I see that. Living with your...brother? I didn’t even know that Sharron had another kid, but then again, I was in and out of her life. She was like a roach I couldn’t kill.”
“Is it possible he’s yours?” I asked. The thought hadn’t occurred to me. Lance had never asked who his father was, and it hadn’t come up in conversation.
“I didn’t meet your mom until three years before you were born. He seems like a good guy for taking you in, but no, he’s not mine. Probably for the best. I can barely take care of one kid.” His head bowed in shame, and I wanted to give him a big hug of reassurance.
“You’re here. We’ll figure out this whole father-daughter shit on the way. I’m stronger than I look, old man. I get that from you.”
“Stop, you’ll make me cry. And I’m not old. I’m refined, like good whiskey. I’m off the bottle, by the way. Guess prison helped get me clean, but I don’t touch the shit now that I’m out.”
“That’s awesome, Dad,” I replied with warmth.
“So tell me about you, and Lance, i
s it?”
“He lives near here, and I have a nice bedroom at his loft. It’s the first time I’ve felt safe in a while. It’s also nice to not worry about bills or chemo. I’m starting at this really cool magnet school for geniuses.”
“No shit? That’s awesome, kid. You were always too smart for your own good. There were days I wasn’t sure if you’d lead the country or a gang in prison.”
“Why not both?” I replied with a wink.
Dad tilted his head back and laughed so loud the entire diner turned to stare at us. “Well, let me know if you have science fairs or whatever it is geniuses do. I’ll come, okay? And if you need to leave Lance’s house for whatever reason, I don’t have much, but I do have a futon and some good opportunities on the horizon. I’m man enough to admit that you’d probably be happier with your brother, but the offer stands. Day or night, okay?”
“Okay, Dad.”
We continued to eat, joking and catching up while veering the conversation away from Mama or the time lost. I was really glad that Dad followed me out here. He seemed to have his life back on track. Maybe Lance would like to meet him.
The hour passed quickly, and too soon it was time to say goodbye. I paid the bill, purposely ignoring the brief flash of shame crossing Dad’s features. I knew there would be a day when he could pick up the tab, but I was happy to do it now. We both got up, and Dad wrapped me up in a giant hug, emotion bubbling up in his chest and flowing out through his gruff, choked words. “Thanks for seeing me, kid. I’m here for the long haul, okay? I appreciate the chance to be in your life. I don’t…” His words broke off, his emotions too strong. I watched as my badass, larger-than-life father wiped a stray tear from his eye before crashing me to his chest once again. “I don’t know what I did to deserve your forgiveness and kindness, but I’m so damn thankful. I won’t let you down again.”
I was just about to pull away and offer him a drive to work when a hard, unrelenting voice stopped me in my tracks.
