Why We Fight (At First Sight Book 4)

by TJ Klune

  It wasn’t long. It was seconds at most. But it devastated me. He devastated me. It shattered me into pieces, and it was everything I thought it would be and nothing I expected.

  He was warm, and he tasted like the amber liquid he’d been sipping at dinner.

  I never wanted it to stop.

  But it did. Of course it did.

  He broke the kiss first, pulling away before putting his forehead against mine.

  We were both panting.

  “Shit,” he breathed. “Shit. Shit. Shit. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”

  “But you did,” I said, my voice cracking. “You did.”

  The tip of his nose brushed against mine. “I know. And I thought… I don’t know what I thought.”

  He took a step back, dropping his hand to his side. His eyes were wide and shocked, like he couldn’t believe what he’d just done. I waited to see regret.

  There was none. I wasn’t ready for it.

  I turned and opened the door. I shut it behind me and slumped against it, trying to catch my breath. I felt the door shift behind me and knew he was still there. Waiting.

  “Fuck,” I whispered.

  “I can hear you,” he muttered. His voice was muffled, but his words were clear. I looked up to see the window above the door propped open.

  “Yeah,” I managed to say. “I can hear you too. Why did you do that?”

  He hesitated. The door shifted again, and I thought his back was to it like mine. “Because I wanted to. More than anything.”

  My thoughts were swirling in my head. “But you said… I heard you….” I slid down to the floor, my legs feeling like jelly.

  “Heard what?”

  I thumped my head on the door, trying to clear my thoughts. “A couple of days ago. After the meeting with Marina. You told her you weren’t interested in me. That I was too young.”

  He groaned. “Shit. How the hell did you—”

  “The vent in your office. There’s one in ours. You can hear almost everything.” I winced. “I didn’t mean to… I wasn’t trying to listen in. But I heard you say my name, and then….”

  Look. Corey is… my friend. Yes, I’m his boss, and yes, we socialize outside of work, but that’s all it is. Fuck, Marina. He’s barely older than any of the kids out there. I wouldn’t do that.

  “Oh,” Jeremy said.

  I snorted despite myself. “Yeah. Oh.”

  “I didn’t…. It wasn’t.” He laughed bitterly. “I was trying to convince myself as much as I was trying to convince her. It wasn’t…. You have no fucking idea how hard it’s been. How wrong I’ve felt.”

  “Yeah,” I said dryly. “I have absolutely no idea.”

  Silence. Then, “It didn’t start out that way. It wouldn’t have—you were my student. And I could appreciate everything about you. How bright you were. How intelligent. How fucking mouthy—”

  I choked on a laugh. “Thinking about my mouth, Professor?”

  “Jesus Christ. That’s not what I meant!”

  “Riiiight.”

  “Would you just listen to me?”

  I shook my head, though he couldn’t see me. “I’m listening.”

  “I was proud to know you,” he said. “Because you were so fierce and strong and I knew you were going to go far. It’s not often that someone like you crosses my path, and I couldn’t wait to see what you were capable of.”

  I was starting to understand. “And then I showed up here.”

  “You did,” he agreed. “But….” It sounded like he was grimacing. “It might have started before that.”

  “Uh. What?”

  “The wedding.”

  Holy shit. “Paul and Vince’s wedding?”

  “Have we been to any other weddings?”

  “Hey! There’s no need for sarcasm in the middle of life-changing events! Who the fuck do you think you are? Me?”

  “I wouldn’t dream of it,” he said. “But seeing you there, surrounded by your friends, it was… something changed. I didn’t know what. And I thought it was nothing at first. But I kept thinking about you, and—”

  “I spied on you at the library,” I blurted.

  More silence. All the silence. I thought about getting up and running away as fast as I could, but before my brain sent the message to my legs, Jeremy said, “What.” Just like that, flat and without any regard to proper punctuation. How the hell he could call himself a professor, I’d never know.

  “Um. Nothing? You know what? Let’s just forget I said anything.”

  Because he was the worst, he said, “I don’t know if I can now. I’ve never had a stalker before.”

  I turned and glared at the door over my shoulder. “I wasn’t stalking you! I was….” Thinking of something smooth. Thinking of something cool. “I was admiring you from afar!”

  Well, fuck.

  “Really?” he said, and he should not have sounded so gleeful. I was going to fuck his shit up.

  “No!” I retorted. “That’s not what I meant to say. What I meant to say was that you were there, and I noticed you through the stacks and maybe watched you for a little bit, but that was it. Not stalking at all.”

  “Except for all the parts where that sounds like stalking.”

  “Semantics,” I said, and my skin was vibrating. I still didn’t have a firm grasp of what this was, what he was trying to say. I wanted nothing more than to open the door again, to look at his face so I could take in all the microexpressions, but I was scared about what I’d find. This was monumental, and I’d spent so long fighting against it. “I’m only twenty-three.”

  He sighed. “Yeah. There is that.”

  “No, I didn’t mean—look. I know who I am. I know what I’m capable of. I know what I’m going to do with my life.” I paused, considering. “Somewhat. But I’m not like—it’s not a thing for me. It doesn’t have to be.”

  “That may be, but we can’t ignore it. And then there’s the fact that I’m still your boss.”

  My shoulders slumped. “Yeah. There’s that.”

  “Which means that if anything were to happen, it can’t happen now. I won’t jeopardize your future for anything. Ever.”

  “So what do we do?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t know about a lot of this.”

  “What do you know?” I asked as I gnawed on my bottom lip.

  “That I can’t get you out of my head. And I don’t want to.”

  I groaned. “You can’t say things like that. Do you know what compliments do to me? I didn’t know until you started with your bullshit. ‘Oh, Corey, you’re so wonderful. Oh, Corey, I’m so happy you’re here. Oh, Corey, this is John Mayer, and I’m trying to tell you your body is a wonderland.’”

  He coughed roughly. “That’s not what that was!”

  “That’s the only reason that type of music should ever be played,” I snapped. “It’s an affront to everything I hold dear, and the only way it’s acceptable is if you were trying to get into my pants.”

  “What? He’s an amazing vocalist with skills on the guitar that—”

  “You shut your fat mouth!” I snarled at him. “You have the worst taste in music, and I am reconsidering everything about this. If I have to hear your shitty music again, I’m going to take your CD case and burn it.”

  “You wouldn’t dare.”

  “Try me, Olsen. If you’re even considering starting up with me, there’s going to be some changes.”

  “And what if I am?”

  It was my turn to choke on my tongue and forget inflection. “What.”

  “Corey, you’re so wonderful.” His voice was rough. “Corey, I’m so happy you’re here. Corey, I think about you all the time, and I’m happiest when I get to see your face.”

  “Don’t start something you can’t finish,” I warned him. My skin was hot. I reached up and loosened my tie. The air felt thick around me.

  “I can finish,” he said, and there was a strange lilt to his voice. “Trust me on that
.”

  Breathing was starting to get harder, and it wasn’t the only thing. Damn these pants. “Can you?” I said, and I was fucking goading him, toward what, I wasn’t sure. “I don’t think you can.”

  And he knew. Oh Lord, he knew. “I’ve thought about it before,” he said almost conversationally. “That first day in my office. It was fleeting, but it was there. And then I thought about it when I saw you in the kitchen as I jogged by your house. All that potassium.”

  “Oh fuck,” I said, and I hated him. “That’s terrible. Keep going.”

  “I went home that morning. I was sweating. My skin was flushed.”

  I rubbed my hand down my chest toward my stomach. The dress shirt was slightly damp. My fingers rested against my belt buckle. “Those little shorts you were wearing. They’re obscene.”

  “Yeah,” he said. “I know. And when they get wet, you can see everything.”

  Fuck it. I unbuckled my belt before unbuttoning my pants. The pressure eased. “Of course you can.”

  “I was showing off. I’d never worn them before, but I wanted you to see. I didn’t know if you’d be watching, but I thought there might be a chance. I wondered what it would have been like had I just knocked on your door.”

  I slipped my hand inside my slacks. I was half-hard, and I gripped myself, giving my dick a few tugs through my underwear. “I would have let you in.”

  “Yeah?” he asked, and his voice was fucking dripping. “What would you have done?”

  Fuck, this was wrong. “I would have licked the sweat from your chest.”

  “Shit,” he groaned. “Are you touching yourself? Please tell me you’re touching yourself.”

  I was, slowly jerking myself off. There was already a wet spot through my underwear. “I am. I’m hard, Jeremy. Damn, I’m so hard.”

  “Christ,” he muttered, and the door jerked in its frame as he moved. “I come in and you’re licking me. Licking my chest.”

  “Yeah. You taste salty. Your skin is wet. I move my hands down to your stomach.”

  “My hands are in your hair. I’m pulling it. You make these fucking noises, and I want to eat them from your tongue.”

  “I reach inside your shorts. I rub the tip of your dick with my thumb.”

  He moaned, and I thought he was doing just that. I pulled my cock out, shoving my underwear just underneath my balls.

  “I’m sucking on your neck,” he said. “My teeth are at your throat. I want to fuck your hand. Your mouth. Your ass.”

  I tugged on my balls while I jacked myself off. “I’d let you. I’d let you fuck me any way you wanted to.”

  “You shove down my shorts. I’m naked, and you’re still fully dressed. Your hand is tight around me.”

  I sped up. Sweat dripped down the back of my neck. “I want you to come,” I told him. “Right there. Right inside the door of my house. I want you to come all over me. I get down on my knees. I suck on your balls.”

  He grunted. “You look so good down there. You look up at me as you swallow my dick. Your eyes are so big as you take me down. Your nose is pressed against my pubes.”

  “I don’t choke,” I growled at him. “I can take it. I can take all of it.”

  “I hold your face there. I can feel your throat working around me. I pull back, but not all the way, before I shove back in. Your mouth is so goddamn hot as I fuck your face.”

  “More,” I managed to say. I was close to tipping over the edge. “Come on. Give me more.”

  “Oh, I will,” he promised darkly. “I give you all you can handle. My balls are slapping against your chin.”

  “You pull out and slap my face with your dick. You jerk my hair before making me suck your cock again.”

  “You look so pretty down there,” he said. “God, I want you on your knees for me all the time.”

  “Come for me,” I panted as I stroked myself faster. “I want you to come on my face.”

  “Yeah?” he said, and I could hear him working his dick over on the other side of the door. “You want it.”

  “Please. Please come on me.”

  “I’m gonna come on you. Just like you want. Corey, I’m gonna fucking come.”

  And with a practiced twist of my hand over the head of my cock, I rocked my head back against the door as I came, spunk splashing up on my chest and chin. I jacked myself through it as I heard him groaning through the door.

  I struggled to catch my breath as I dropped my hand to the floor, my dick sticking out from my slacks and lying against the dress shirt.

  I could hear him panting through the open window above us.

  I didn’t know what to say.

  And then, “Oh shit.”

  “Yeah,” he said, and if that was his sex voice, I was ruined forever. “Holy shit.”

  “No, you don’t understand!” I sat up, eyes wide. “I just came all over myself.”

  “I know. I did too.”

  “No, you motherfu—this isn’t my suit! I was borrowing it! I just came on another man’s suit! Do you know what he’s going to do to me? You don’t ever jizz on a suit you borrowed. Ever. Especially a black man’s suit!”

  There was a beat of silence before he burst out laughing.

  I was gobsmacked. “It’s not funny!”

  “That’s what you’re worried about?”

  “Flavius is going to murder me!”

  That set him off even more. “Who the fuck is Flavius?”

  “The guy who did my hair and who I’m going to have to explain that I just masturbated at my workplace with my boss!”

  He laughed harder.

  I scowled. “That’s it. This is over. Whatever this is, it’s already dead, and I’m over it.”

  “Liar.”

  “Watch it, Olsen,” I warned him. “My hand is sticky, and my dick won’t go back in my pants yet without ripping the fabric. I’m not in the mood.”

  He managed to regain control, though I could still hear him chuckling. We didn’t speak for a while, and that let the reality of the situation sink back in. We had just fucked up. Big-time.

  Finally I asked, “What are we going to do?”

  “I don’t know,” he said. “But I do know that I want this. With you. If you’ll have me.”

  “I’m not….” I closed my eyes. “Are you sure?”

  “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  I felt a little helpless. “I’m not—it’s not always going to be like this. With me. It’s not—” Why the hell was this so hard? “I’m not always… me.”

  I thought he understood. “You’re Corey.”

  “Yeah. But I’m also the other Kori. Two halves of a whole.”

  He was quiet for a moment. Then, “I like both parts just the same. In fact, I like pretty much everything about you. Quite a lot, actually.”

  Of course he was a smooth motherfucker. I needed it to all be on the table. It helped that there was a door between us. “It’s… the sex stuff. I like it when I’m a guy. But not… not always when I’m a woman.”

  “Okay.”

  I blinked and looked up at the window above us. “Okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “It can’t be that easy.”

  “Why not?”

  I sighed irritably. “Because it can’t. There’s more to it than that. You have to—”

  “Corey.”

  “What?”

  “Both parts of you. Every part of you. It doesn’t matter to me if you’re a man or a woman. I just… care about you. That’s it. It’s that easy for me. Whatever boundaries you have, I’ll respect them. And if you can’t believe that, all I ask is that you let me prove it to you.”

  I almost could. It was so close. “We can’t do anything about it now.”

  “No,” he said. “I don’t suppose we can.” He sighed. “And we’ll have to figure out what we’re going to do when school starts again. It may take some time, but we’ll figure it out. There’s no deadline on this. At least for me. We have time. We can just… be
as we are now until we figure it out.”

  “As we are now? We just jerked ourselves off where we work. I don’t know if that’s the best place to be.” I put my junk away, grimacing at the mess I’d made.

  He laughed, and my heart twisted again. “Maybe not that part. But this? This is real for me, Corey.” He hesitated. Then, “I hope it’s real for you too.”

  What had Vince said?

  I would tell him it’s real, and that it always would be.

  I took a deep breath. “Yeah. I think it is.”

  He sounded relieved. “Then we just… keep going. Keep this to ourselves for now.”

  Oh, this was going to be a mistake. “Good luck with that. You don’t know Sandy and Paul very well, but that idea’s already fucked. They’ll figure it out. I won’t even have to say anything. They’ll know. Somehow, they’ll know.”

  “Then we’ll keep it going as long as we can. And I know they probably wouldn’t say anything, but I don’t want to risk it. I would say that I could step down as director now, but—”

  I glared up at the window. “Like hell.”

  “Yeah. I figured as much. I don’t think that’s the right thing to do either. But it’ll work. If we want it to. And we’ve already lasted this long. What’s a few more months?”

  Famous last words. This was most likely going to blow up in our faces, but for the life of me, I couldn’t find a reason to care. I was weirdly giddy, and I didn’t want to stop it. “I wish I could see you right now.”

  “I’m just on the other side of the door.”

  I shook my head. “I know. But I meant how you look right now. Just….”

  “I get it.”

  “It’s not a good idea.”

  “No. Probably not.”

  Yeah. “We should get cleaned up.”

  The door rattled as he pushed himself up. “Hit the bathroom. I can take care of myself in here.”

  I groaned. “Phrasing.”

  He laughed. “Yeah, yeah.”

  I stood, looking at the door for a moment, fighting the urge to say fuck it and just go back in. Instead I walked down the hall to the small bathroom near my office. I closed the door behind me and locked it as I switched on the light. I froze when I saw myself in the mirror.

  I looked fucking ruined. My dress shirt was mostly unbuttoned (when the hell had I done that?). The slacks were open and hanging low on my hips. There was spunk on my chest. My chin. A couple of splashes on the shirt and the suit coat and the tie. My lips were swollen from where I’d been gnawing on them, and my eyes were blown out.