by TJ Klune
“What do you mean stabbed?”
I arched an eyebrow. “Exactly as it sounds. If there is no blood, it means things are fine.”
“I really should go back down—”
“Is that Jeremy?” Helena asked without looking over at us. “Come here. Let me see you.”
“Too late,” I murmured. “She’s knows you’re here. She smelled you. Remember to compliment her like she’s the greatest thing you’ve ever seen.”
“Hey,” Vince said as we approached. “Jeremy, good to see you.”
“You too,” Jeremy said, eyeing Helena warily. “Thanks for letting me come up.”
“You’re welcome,” Helena said as Paul and Darren stepped back. “You may let me look at you now.” She still didn’t turn around.
“Go,” I whispered, shoving Jeremy toward her. “Before she changes her mind.”
Jeremy glared at me over his shoulder, but he walked in front of Helena, though he gave her a wide berth. She was wearing her Carnivàle costume, all bright colors and feathers. She looked like the oversized love child of a peacock and a flamingo, though since I valued my life, I would never tell her as much.
Jeremy swallowed thickly as he stood in front of her, looking up, given that Helena’s heels put her a few inches over him. If she decided to eat him, I wouldn’t be able to stop her.
She reached out with a gloved hand, tracing a finger along his cheek. “Hello, baby doll,” she said. “Thank you for coming to witness my glory. I promise that your life will be changed by what you are about to see.”
I rolled my eyes. “He’s seen you perform before.”
“I know,” Helena said simply.
“You look gorgeous,” Jeremy told her as Helena tapped a finger on his chin.
“Hmm,” Helena said. “Do I? Tell me more.”
“Um. I like your feathers?”
Yeah, he was going to get eaten. I had to save him. “What he meant to say was that he’s never seen such a vision, and that he’s awed to be in your presence. There has never been someone such as you, and you are the most beautiful queen who has ever existed.”
“Really,” Helena said, sounding dangerously dubious. “That’s what he meant to say.”
“Yes,” Jeremy said, eyes wide. “Exactly.”
Helena cocked her head. “Then why didn’t you say it like that?”
“Tone it down,” Darren muttered. “Save some for the show.”
Helena whirled around, eyes blazing. “Excuse me?”
Darren leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek, careful not to mess up her makeup. “Everyone here knows how beautiful you are. Don’t scare the newbie.”
And wonder of all wonders, Helena just… stopped. She shook her head as she laughed. “I’m just fucking with him. Think of it as an initiation to the Queen’s Lair.” Goddamn, was she whipped over Darren. Who would have thunk? She looked back at Jeremy, her smile less feral. “Thank you for coming, Jeremy. If you need anything, ask someone else, because I’m terribly busy. Darren, you may help me down the stairs now. If you let me fall, just know I’ll take you down with me.”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Darren said, taking her by the hand and leading her toward the door.
Helena blew kisses at us as she left. We waited until the door closed before breathing a sigh of relief.
“What the hell was that?” Jeremy demanded.
“That was Helena letting you know she loves you,” Paul said, sitting down on the stool next to Charlie. “And she approves of you being here.”
“If she didn’t, she would have thrown you off the balcony,” Vince said. He frowned. “I’ve never seen it happen before, but she threatens it all the time.”
“Queens,” Charlie muttered. “Can’t live with them, can’t shoot them because it would get glitter everywhere.” He glanced up at us. “Jeremy, nice to see you again. Corey, come here.”
I did.
He looked me up and down. “You look nice.”
“Thank you, Daddy.” He turned his cheek toward me, and I kissed him because it made us both happy.
“Are you all right?” Vince asked me.
I blinked. “Yeah. Why?”
“You’re walking funny. Did you hurt yourself? You look… stiff.”
“I saw that too,” Paul said. “You looked like you forgot how to bend your knees.”
Oh dear god. I glared at both of them as Jeremy choked next to me. “There’s nothing wrong with the way I walk!”
“Right,” Paul said slowly, glancing between me and Jeremy. “Probably seeing things.”
“Yes. You were. It’s not as if ohhhhhh fuuuuuck.” I barely stopped from jerking my hips as the egg started to vibrate in my ass. It was probably only at a two or three, but my eyes were threatening to roll back in my head, and I nearly bit my tongue as I clenched my teeth. Jeremy was looking down at the phone, fighting a smile as he swiped the screen. The vibrations stopped.
Charlie, Paul, and Vince were staring at me.
I smiled weakly. “I just remembered that I forgot to feed the cat.”
“You don’t have a cat,” Vince said. “Sandy’s allergic.”
My legs felt like they were going to give out. “That’s right! I feel better now. Thank you for that, Vince. You’re so wonderful.”
He preened.
Paul squinted at me. “You’re sweating. Are you sure you’re okay? Are you coming down with something?”
“No,” I said distractedly, trying to figure out how to get my phone back from Jeremy without looking crazed. I might not have thought this through. Story of my life. “But I’m going to be coming down on something if this doesn’t stop.”
Jeremy grunted next to me as if gut-punched.
Well, shit.
“Ha-ha!” I practically shouted. “That was a joke. Just a funny sex joke because that’s what we do! Always talkin’ ’bout fuckin’.”
Paul sniffed. “Really, Corey. Show some decorum. There’s a time and place for everything. A seedy bar filled with horny men is not it.”
“You’re so funny,” Vince told him with stars in his eyes. “I’m happy I married you.”
“Yeah?” Paul said, a nasty curl to his lips. “How happy?”
“Why don’t I show you?” Vince said, leaning forward.
They were both startled when Charlie squirted them with a spray bottle. “No,” he said. “Stop it.” He squirted them again. “Stop it right now.”
Paul hissed at him.
Charlie ignored him as he put the bottle back down next to his stool.
Vince wiped his face with his hand. “Thanks, Charlie. I needed that. I don’t want to make a scene. We already got kicked out of Sears last weekend.”
I gaped at them, aghast. “You fucked around in a Sears? What is wrong with you? That place smells like broken dreams!”
Paul pouted as he crossed his arms. “It’s not our fault. We just got married. We can’t always control it when it happens. One moment Vince was looking at power tools, and the next I needed to suck on his—” He snarled as Charlie sprayed him in the face. “Would you stop doing that!”
“Then shut up,” Charlie said.
“We need to go get a drink,” I announced, grabbing Jeremy by the hand and pulling him toward the door. “Anyone want anything?”
“Sure,” Paul said. “I’ll take a—”
“No? Are you sure? Okay! Bye!”
“But—”
I didn’t hear anything else he said as I slammed the door behind us, almost knocking Jeremy down the stairs. He was laughing at me, the jerk.
“You’re going to get us caught,” I growled.
“Remind me. Which one of us shoved a vibrator up his ass and then relinquished the controls to said vibrator?”
I hated when he used sound logic. “That is beside the point.”
He grinned at me over his shoulder as we reached the bottom of the stairs. “If you say so. This might be the best gift anyone has ever given
me. Thank you, Corey.”
“Worst idea ever,” I mumbled.
HE DIDN’T overdo it.
I mean, sure, I was left a drooling mess when I tried to order a drink and then my asshole started vibrating, causing the bartender, Izaac, to ask me if I needed to sit down. I managed to smile at him as Jeremy took over, ordering a water for himself and a vodka tonic for me. I was still slack-jawed when Izaac returned with our drinks. Jeremy paid for them and left a nice tip. It was only then that the vibrations stopped.
And sure, it started up again when we were standing near the back of the crowd as Helena performed. I managed not to drop my drink as I clenched down, my cock hard, my teeth grinding together. It didn’t let up as the crowd parted for Helena. She was lip-syncing to a dirty song I couldn’t recognize for the life of me. She stopped in front of me, hands on my shoulders as her head whipped back and forth. She lowered her hands down my back, and right before she grabbed my ass, the vibrations stopped. Her wig caught on my dick, but she didn’t seem to notice as she stood back up, kissing me on the cheek as the crowd leered around us.
“All right?” she whispered in my ear. “You look pale.”
“I’m fine,” I whispered back.
She nodded minutely before shoving me to the side and going after Jeremy. He was shocked when she did the splits in front of him, her face in his crotch.
Served him right, the bastard.
And sure, he slid his thumb across the phone screen as the drag show came to an end, higher than he’d ever done it before, but my shout was lost in the roar of the people around us. And since we were hidden in shadow, I allowed myself to lean back against him just once, his breath hot on my cheek. “Having fun?” he asked in a low voice.
“Fuck you,” I grunted.
He chuckled. “Can’t. Pity.”
I didn’t know when this had turned from me torturing him to Jeremy having the upper hand, but I wasn’t going to stand for it.
Which is why I turned around, the egg still vibrating. Making sure he was watching me, I tilted my head back and moaned, running my hand down the column of my throat to my chest and stomach until it rested near the front of my jeans. His gaze followed my hand, and his pupils looked blown in the flashing light as I squeezed myself through my jeans.
“Jesus fuck,” he muttered.
I grinned at him. “You mess with the bull, you’re gonna get the sledgehammer.”
“That doesn’t even make sense—”
I whirled around and disappeared into the crowd.
ALL GOOD things, of course, come to an end. It’s part of life.
Sometimes you’re in a gay bar with a vibrating egg stuck up your ass, the man of your dreams controlling it while you dance in the middle of a biker gang called the Dairy Queens, when you’re summoned by a daddy to come back up to the Lair.
I blinked up at Charlie as he nodded at me before setting down the mic.
“Sorry, boys,” I said. “My services are needed.”
The Dairy Queens looked disappointed, which pleased me greatly. Always leave them wanting while making a grand exit.
Jeremy was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs.
“Having fun?” he asked innocently.
“Wait until it’s your turn,” I snapped at him. “I’m going to put this fucking thing in you and take you to goddamn church, just you wait.”
The bouncer in front of the door stared at us.
I coughed. “I love God.”
He nodded slowly as he opened the door.
I could feel Jeremy’s eyes on my ass as we walked back up the stairs, and I made sure to give him a good show. He was muttering threats against my person under his breath, and I laughed as I pushed open the door at the top of the stairs.
I was about to say something to push him further over the edge (“This is egg-zactly what you deserve!”) when the words died on my tongue.
Because there I stood, a vibrator quaking in my ass, looking into the Queen’s Lair at Paul and Darren and Helena and Vince and Charlie.
And also Nana and Matty and Larry and Robert.
“Oh fuck,” I squeaked.
“Yeah,” Jeremy said, coming up behind me. “That’s the idea. Just think of what’s going to happen when I push it up to a seven. You’re going to fucking come in your—Dad?”
“Jeremy,” Robert said cheerfully. “Charlie told me you were here, but I couldn’t see you down on the floor. I saw Corey, though.” He grinned at me. “You looked like you were having fun. And with so many half-dressed men. I approve.”
“Can you give us a moment?” I asked. And without waiting for a response, I turned away from them. Jeremy had a stupid look on his face, mouth agape, my phone still in his hand. “Turn it off. Turn it off!”
His mouth snapped closed as he looked down at his hand. “Oh my god, you have a sex toy in your ass and my dad is here!”
“Would you just fucking—” I grabbed the phone from his hand and brushed my thumb against the slider, bringing it all the way back down to zero. The vibrations ceased immediately.
I turned back around and smiled at everyone. They were still staring at us. “Well, isn’t this a surprise! I didn’t know you were all going to be here. And on tonight of all nights! I feel like this is something I should have known.”
“I needed a night out,” Nana said. “It’s a hard-knock life, and I could use a break every now and then.” She frowned at me. “Are you all right? You’re sweating profusely.”
“Right?” Helena said. “I thought the same thing.”
“Oh dear,” Matty said, coming toward me. She reached up and pressed her hand against my forehead. “You do feel warm. Are you coming down with something?”
I pulled my head away from her hand. “Just dancing. It gets hot down there.”
“Especially surrounded by all those men,” Larry said, looking down on the dance floor. “They looked like they wanted to get fresh with you. Is that what you kids call it? Getting fresh?”
“That’s exactly what we call it,” Helena said as Darren handed her a water bottle. “Corey was getting absolutely fresh with the Dairy Queens. Seems like he forgot what happened to Brian.”
“Was that the man who Sandy slept with and he ate all the bacon when Vince proposed to Paul?” Matty asked.
“I feel like there’s a story there,” Robert said to Charlie.
“You have no idea,” Charlie muttered.
“Come sit down,” Matty said, grabbing me by the hand and pulling me farther into the Lair. There was an empty stool next to Nana, and she shoved me down onto it. I yelped as the egg shifted just right.
“See?” Vince said, sounding concerned. “You’re hurt. I knew it. What did you do?”
“Maybe you just need another massage,” Nana said, taking my phone from me. “I’ll see if I can find a Groupon again. We can both be sugar babies this time.”
I was about to demand my phone back when Larry appeared in front of me, handing me a bottle of water. “Here. Drink this. Can’t have you getting sick. School starts soon, and you need to be in tip-top shape.”
I was about to protest when he tipped the bottle toward my mouth. I was forced to drink so it didn’t spill all over me.
“Hmm,” Helena said.
I didn’t like the sound of that. That was her something is happening hmm.
I had to distract her. And everyone else. “I thought about getting fresh with the Dairy Queens!”
It worked.
“Wow,” Paul said. “That’s… I don’t know what that is.”
“Are you sure you can handle it?” Vince asked me. “Seems like it’d be a lot of work. I mean, there’s, like, ten of them.”
Helena dabbed her eyes. “I remember when you were just a little boy and girl. I’m so proud of who you’ve become.”
“I want nothing to do with this,” Darren announced to no one in particular.
“You should probably just go home and get some sleep,” Larry said, ma
king me drink more water. “You can think about group activities when you’re feeling better.”
“Or never,” Matty said. “That seems like it would be such an unnecessary mess.”
“Why are you scowling?” Robert asked Jeremy. “You used to get that same look on your face when you were a kid and your mother wanted you to share your toys.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Jeremy said, pouting as he crossed his arms.
“The others do the same thing,” Charlie said to Robert. “Even though they’re not children anymore. It’s cute, most of the time.”
“Oh hey,” Nana said. “What’s this? Is it a game? I don’t have games on my phone ever since that whole Words With Friends debacle. How was I to know I was playing against a thirteen-year-old? It’s not my fault he couldn’t bring it and I made him cry. How do I play? Do I need to make it go to egg-streme?”
Time slowed down around me as Nana lowered her thumb toward the screen.
I rose in slow motion as Jeremy began to lunge toward the phone.
Larry squawked in surprise as I bumped into him.
Which meant, of course, that I hit the water bottle from his hand right as Nana pushed the slider all the way to the right.
There was a beat of time, an infinitesimal moment where nothing happened.
And then it went egg-streme.
Three things happened almost simultaneously.
My knees buckled as the egg exploded in my butt, the vibrations so intense I thought I was going to swallow my tongue,
and
the water bottle flipped through the air, water spilling out and splashing onto Nana and my phone,
and
Jeremy knocked the phone from Nana’s hand, and it fell to the floor with an audible crack as the wet screen broke, the waving egg disappearing into a black error message.
It should have ended everything. My phone was broken. It should have stopped.
But it didn’t.
The egg kept vibrating.
From an outside perspective, we must have looked like the gayest Renaissance painting: Nana and Larry and Matty had their hands on their cheeks, looking shocked. Charlie and Robert were craning their necks toward us. The Queen was reaching toward me, the feathers bouncing on her shoulders. The King was rolling his eyes toward the ceiling. Paul and Vince were looking at each other with sex face. Jeremy was staring in horror at the phone on the ground.
