"I believe you. I'm not going to write you up, but if you're found to be doing it again, you will be."
"I understand."
He left jotting a note on the clipboard he kept with him at all times as he walked the halls.
It was hard for me not to roll my eyes at him, but I didn't want to argue and lose my access to the weight station and treadmill. Being able to run again is such a relief. During the short time I've been cooped up, I've already lost some of my stamina. I actually broke a sweat in the first five minutes of running which is highly unusual.
Regardless, I'm glad to have something active to do. Sitting around in the group room watching TV or solving puzzles, was driving me crazy.
I hate this place. I don't think I can express that enough. Words fail me. "A curse upon their houses!" That's the best I've got.
CHAPTER FIVE
Friday, January 15th
TURNS OUT THE ONLY REASON they gave me access to the gym of sorts, was so it could be used as a weapon against me. Figures, this prison is nothing more than a giant game of power between the patients and doctors. I wonder if anyone actually gets better with these tactics.
I had my meeting with Dr. Schweser this morning and he made it clear that if I didn't start sharing more in group therapy he'd be forced to take away my workout room privileges. He feels that my lack of willingness to share, shows that I am still not ready to confront my feelings and address my delusions. I didn't argue, just agreed, and said that I would do better. It was one of our shorter visits since I've been here. Telling other crazy people about my problem isn't going to change what I saw.
After lunch came the group therapy. There's six of us total, plus Nurse Sarah.
Justin is dealing with the loss of his son in a house fire. His wife had been home with their son, while he was out of town on business. She had been so drunk that she forgot to take their son as she ran from the engulfed house. Needless to say, Justin is pissed!
Nurse Sarah keeps saying he needs to accept his anger, and forgive his wife because she hadn't intentionally cause their son's death. It had been an accident. Personally, I think Justin is fully justified in being pissed at his wife. I get the impression he's here because him and his wife had a fight and he is too mentally unstable to be in the same room with her. I still don't know her name, because he only refers to her as bitch, cunt, and whore.
Jack is about my age, and his best friend died from a drug overdose. That's all he's said. Most of the time when Nurse Sarah calls on him he just stares at her in defiance until she moves on to someone else.
Sarah, not to be confused with Nurse Sarah, lost her daughter in childbirth. I'm guessing that Sarah is in her late 20's and despite having had a child only a month ago, she's still hot enough that I'd do her. That's probably a little fucked up given where we all are.
She doesn't get far in the sharing process. Usually about two minutes in she breaks down in tears. However, when we're all in the recreational room together, she's smiling and sometimes laughs. Her laugh always makes me smile. I've been hitting on her and we joke, but I think she's writing me off as a kid with a crush.
When it came around to me I shared my usual story, a quick I saw my mom die. However, instead of just leaving it there, I decided to take heed of Dr. Schweser's warning and share more. I told the group about my repetitive dreams, leaving out the disapproving description of the monster.
I hadn't realized it until Nurse Sarah, thank me for sharing and called the session, that I had been crying the whole time. My face was red and my cheeks kind of stung. I had to stay sitting for a few minutes after the meeting because my chest was convulsing. Nurse Sarah gave me a hug which helped, and I was taken to my room so I could relax before dinner. I hate having to relive that night through my dreams, and again in group and therapy. Today marks one month since the accident. My life will never be the same. . .
CHAPTER SIX
Thursday, January 21st
THE PAST WEEK WAS SO BORING. I kept counting down the days until today. I'd been expecting to see my dad and Kandice, but once again my dad was missing.
"He's still down with the flu," she said.
I didn't press the matter at first, but I didn't believe her for one fucking second. Wish she would tell me the truth. Why the fuck doesn't dad want to see me? Does he blame me? I don't get why she is trying to protect me from what's going on at home. She shouldn't have to be handling it alone.
The visiting room was practically vacant. Just us and the guards. The extra privacy was nice compared to the last time she visited where the tables around us were all filled.
I leaned forward and whispered, "Tell me about dad."
"I told you, he's sick."
"Stop bullshitting me."
Kandice bit her lip and sighed, "Fine. Ever since that day, dad's been drunk."
"What?"
"Yeah I know right? But seriously. It's every day, all day. He tries to hide it from me, but puking is hard to hide."
Typing this now, I'm still in shock. I hate that Kandice is stuck there with him.
We discussed our dad until we were told it was time for Kandice to leave. I gave her a hug and she cried.
"I miss you," She said between tears. "I hope you get better soon."
It hurt to hear her say it, but I said, "I will. Don't worry about me."
With me in here and Dad being a burden, it's a wonder she is still functioning. I HATE this!
I watched through the glass wall as she walked down the front corridor and out the front door to the parking lot. I'd give anything to have left with her.
Dr. Schweser insisted we have a meeting right after Kandice left. He made me retell the events of that night. This time I told him what he wanted to hear, and explained her death as outsiders understood it to have happened—an accident. I ended with how I was now in this hospital because I'd been mistaken about what I saw.
He called me on my bullshit and wanted to know about my dreams. What does it matter? If I say I'm better, then I'm better damn it. But he insisted I tell him what I see in my dreams.
I lied and told him a story about us crashing and that my mother is bleeding right after the crash so I try to talk to her, and luckily another person comes by and calls 911. I told him how I wake up smelling the blood, and how I can still see the way my mother's eyes went dull after she died.
Dr. Schweser jotted down several notes on his clipboard as I spoke. When I finished, he informed me that medication would be changed, for my own benefit. He tried to tell me that it would get better, and that eventually I'd move past this and be able to leave.
I asked him about my school work, and if I could get it sent to me so that I could finish my senior year. He claimed the stress of finishing school wouldn't be good for me right now, but that when I got out I'd be able to finish it up quickly.
Dr. Schweser apparently knows several educators and offered to write me a letter of recommendation and a letter of explanation as to why I had a leave of absence, so I could attend my top university picks. I just want to get back to a normal life, school would bring me that consistency. The longer I have to stay here, the more frustrated I get with this redundant process. Telling him the story a million times won't change anything.
I was relieved to leave his office, I hate when our visits run long. The air in his office smells off, and it's always too warm.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Wednesday, January 27th
GROUP THERAPY WENT REALLY WELL TODAY. I shared my whole story this time without having to stop or clear my mind. I shared what I dreamed about, and how I understand that it's just a dream.
Dr. Schweser is right. The memories of the night my mom died are wrong. Intellectually I understand that, but it doesn't change my memories. Dr. Schweser thinks that my real memories will come back once I work through the loss of my mom. He keeps reminding me that losing my mother at seventeen is highly traumatic. He shared about how his mom died when he was forty-seven, and he reme
mbers how much it hurt. He had to see a psychiatrist himself to work through the loss.
I find that a little funny; a shrink seeing a shrink. But, it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one in the world to have issues with losing a parent.
I was given an hour in the gym alone today for good behavior in group therapy. I'm back into fighting shape. Being able to run full sprint, even if it's on a treadmill, really helps. I still do my forms alone in my room, and Dr. Schweser doesn't mind that.
All in all, it was a good day.
I've also been taken off one of my prescriptions. Dr. Schweser wants me to try sleeping without the pill and see how that goes. We'll have meetings first thing in the morning every day this week, to discuss my dreams and how well I slept.
I can feel the pressure in my body lifting, I just want to get out of here. Whatever that takes; whatever I have to believe. I don't care anymore. I just want to be at home with Kandice and Dad. They need me, I feel like I'm hiding from reality and life in here. It's not fair to them, having to deal with this loss alone.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Monday, February 1st
MEETINGS WITH DR. SCHWESER HAVE been going well. The new balance of meds is helping, at least according to him. Personally, I feel a bit off—like life is just a little too warm.
I've been sleeping more soundly, though. I still dream of my mother most nights, but at least I don't wake up in a sweat, or worse screaming. I have been repeating to myself, "It's just a dream, dreams do not reflect reality."
I can get through this, I know I can.
But, it's such a fucking drag being here. I'm bored out of my mind most of the time. I've made a friend, sort of; Jack, the one dealing with the loss of his best friend, has started talking to me. I don't think he is crazy at all. By the standards of this place, he's practically the poster child for sane. Jack kept trying to kill himself, but I think he's just lonely.
From what Jack has told me, his friend Mike was his only friend. They hung out everyday after school and kept to themselves while in school. I think the only reason the two of us are even talking is because I'm the only guy his age here. Outside of this place, I doubt we would have ever said hi to each other; much less become friends.
I've told him about why I'm in here. Jack thinks they'll let us both out soon. He hasn't tried to harm himself since I've been in here, but Dr. Schweser isn't ready to release him either. Personally, I think Dr. Schweser is on a power trip and just likes to keep us locked up because he can. Jack might be odd, but I think he would be better off back at school where he could make new friends. Hell, Jack's even told me that he wants to ask a girl out at his school, because he realized that life is short.
I just want out of this place.
I want out.
I want fucking out!
CHAPTER NINE
Thursday, February 4th
MY DAD AND KANDICE DIDN'T show up today for my visitation.
I sat in the rec room waiting for them to call my name. How could they forget me? I mean, I know dad is ignoring me for some fucking reason, but I really thought I could trust on Kandice to be there for me. By time it was 3:00 PM I realized they weren't coming.
Jack didn't have any visitors either. Apparently, his parents have only come to see him twice, and he doesn't have siblings. The last time they visited was over a month ago, he doesn't seem to care though. He genuinely seems to not give two shits about his parents. I can't imagine that. I miss my dad every day. I'm pissed that I haven't seen him, but I miss him.
Sarah, the patient, had a breakdown today in the rec room. Her boyfriend came to see her and I guess begged her to come home. She took this as him not caring about their stillborn child and lost it. I'm scared for her, she seems to be inching closer and closer to not wanting to live anymore. They had to tranquilize her because she wouldn't calm down, and was screaming in hysterics.
Having to go through group with these people, I feel so intertwined in their stories. I never thought I'd care for strangers this way, before other people's problems were their own business. But I really just wanted to hug her, they probably would have tranquilized me too if I had tried to get involved.
Fuck today!
I'm going to bed early. This place sucks. It's more stressful than helpful. Only good thing that's come of it, is I can now do 200 push-ups in a row. Previous record was 100 if I cheated a bit.
CHAPTER TEN
Saturday, February 6th
JACK MANAGED TO BRIBE A NURSE to smuggle in a bottle of whiskey for us. Apparently, his parents are rich and the high school they forced him to attend is some sort of private school that's supposed to prepare him for Harvard, or some shit. But he says he's not going. He wants to visit Europe and club hop, listening to techno all night, and sleeping all day. Personally, I think it sounds like a bad plan, but to each their own.
The whiskey was good, but the bottle was small so we emptied it quickly. We had to sneak drinks in the back of the rec room. There's a corner that blocks most of the noise from the TV and the nurses have to peer into the nook to see us. We made it look like we were playing a game of chess, and passed the bottle back and forth.
I didn't get drunk, but had a buzz for sure. It was a huge rush sneaking the bottle under the noses of the nurses. It's the most fun I've had since I got to this fucking place! Dr. Schweser would probably force us both to sit in a padded room for a day if he found out, but it's worth it. Jack thinks he'll be able to get another bottle on Friday. At least I have something to look forward to.
Group therapy is fucking annoying. Nurse Sarah keeps pushing me to share more about myself and my dreams, I think she knows I'm hiding something. Apparently patient client confidentiality doesn't exist between Dr. Schweser and his patients when it comes to the staff here. I ended up sharing about the dream, and how I freaked out the day my mom died. I ended my share with the fact that I know what I experienced in my mind that day was fake.
I think it's the effects of drinking, the rush of breaking the rules. But I don't want to be here another day. I am too tired to fight these doctors any more.
Nurse Sarah asked me if I was still dreaming about the monster attacking. I lied but I'm not sure she believed me. If she didn't I doubt Dr. Schweser has been either.
I still can't believe my Dad and Kandice missed my visitation. Since I didn't have one on Thursday, Dr. Schweser has agreed that I can have one this Thursday, and had already told my dad.
They better fucking come!
I need to know what's going on outside these walls. The nurses refuse to talk about any current events. The most they'll tell us, is if it's going to rain. Who the fuck cares about the weather? I'm not 90.
Fuck this hell hole.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Thursday, February 11th
KANDICE SHOWED UP, ALONE, AGAIN. At least this time she didn't try to lie to me about why Dad wasn't there. Turns out he was passed out drunk at 12:00 PM, when she left to come visit.
We're agreed that we have no idea what the fuck is going to happen to him. He always drank socially when we went to family events or to their friends. But, Dad was never an alcoholic. I'm surprised he can even drink so much. I'd never be able to drink nonstop. Kandice said there isn't a point where he doesn't have a drink. The only time he stops drinking is when he passes out. She is having to clean up after him, which is the really fucked up part. She is at her wits end and doesn't know what to do with dad. I wish I had answers to give her.
We had to stop talking about it though. One of the nurses heard what we were discussing and told Kandice that it wasn't acceptable material for discussion. Apparently, freedom of speech is just yet another thing that isn't respected in here. I tried to bring it back up several times, but Kandice took their warning serious and refused to discuss it further. She said she would take care of it. Whatever that means. The whole thing makes me feel hot with rage just thinking about it. He is the parent, why can't he act like it. We need him!
On the bright side, she did meet with Dr. Schweser after our meeting. My hope is that she's telling him to let me out of this fucking place. We talked about me getting out, but the only person who can override Dr. Schweser's decision to keep me in here is Dad, and he's too fucking drunk to be of any use. Kandice said she would try to get Dad to do something about it, but neither of us are holding our breath on that front.
I'm just so angry: that mom died, that dad's a drunk, that Kandice is alone, that I'm stuck here. Fuck it all. Shit needs to change, I can't help our family heal while locked in this prison.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Friday, February 19th
WE ALMOST GOT CAUGHT DRINKING TONIGHT. Jack had to shoved the bottle into his pants just as the nurse came up to our table to talk to us. I think she suspected something but we acted indifferent to her being there and that curbed her suspicions. Nurse Mike wouldn't have fallen for it, and luckily, the gray jogging clothes that we have to wear—all the damn time—are baggy enough to hide things in.
I wish I could get out of this place, but at least Jack's able to get his hands on booze. I would never have considered myself a drinker, but I might understand it more now. I feel good. I feel like I'm someone else, and at least for a little while I'm able to forget about being trapped in here. The only downside is my headache in the morning, my eyes are going to be extra sensitive to the lights in here and I'll need shit tons of water tomorrow. Other than that, there's no drawback.
I've been teaching Jack some simple Taekwondo forms. He's been keeping me company in the workout room. He even rides the bike sometimes. Jack's not what you call athletic, but at least he's trying. It's good to have someone to talk and joke with, takes the loneliness away. I hope it's helping him as much as it does me.
Bloodlines Trilogy Page 17
