I only see Sarah in group therapy lately. I'm worried about her, she seems like a zombie. Nurse Sarah hasn't even been calling on her the last few sessions. I think they have her really drugged up. Losing a child is probably nothing like losing a mom but I wish I could reach out to her.
I better get some sleep. It's already 2 AM.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Tuesday, February 23rd
GROUP THERAPY HAS BECOME OVERLY REDUNDANT. It's the same people talking about the same problems, over and over again. I don't understand the point. You'd think they would mix up the group therapy participants to help keep everyone moving forward. Jack's reached the point that he can recite what happened to his best friend, as if he were reading a news report. I'm not sure that's a good thing.
I talk about my mother dying in a car crash almost every other meeting. I only dream about it once a week or so now. I'm starting to become numb to the story, I guess that's what they want. I just want to go home. I've talked to Nurse Sarah about getting out, and she thinks that I have a good chance. She reminds me that she's not the expert and that Dr. Schweser has the experience to make the call, but that she will be recommending that I be moved up for release.
I really hope that she's able to convince him that I'm ready to leave here and join the real world again. I'm tired of being stuck in this place day after day. I need to get back so I can at least finish high school. I don't want to be left behind once Kandice starts college. It would be odd having her be a whole grade ahead of me. We've always done school together, luck of the Irish twins I guess. We even had most of our classes together. Though, we always sat far apart and hardly spoke. I think it was somewhere in middle school where we stopped hanging out with each other inside school.
I think I'll miss Sarah and Jack, I wonder if we'll stay in touch after we leave. Probably not, but it's been good to have people to talk to. Not that Sarah and I have done much talking since her breakdown. I think she is getting worse instead of better, she wasn't in group therapy today.
I'll ask one of the nurses about her tomorrow. Guess I should get some sleep before they catch me on the phone.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Thursday, February 25th
I GOT TO SEE MY DAD TODAY!
I'm still baffled by the fact he actually came, and it was all thanks to Kandice. She managed to drag him here before he became too drunk, though I could see it in his eyes that he'd already started. He looked like shit, his skin turning yellow, and his eyes are sunken into his skull. I'm really worried about his health; it's apparent he doesn't care though. I thought he might pass out throughout our visit.
He gave me a hug and tried to apologize for not seeing me sooner. I just shrugged him off, his self pity crap can't be apologized away. Kandice sat quietly while Dad and I caught up, or at least while I told him how shitty it was in here. He kept saying it was for my own good, and tried to tell me I needed to stay longer. I swallowed my anger and really tried to blow the conversation off but with each thing I told him, he just kept pushing how great this place was for me. Like he doesn't want me to be at home or something. I guess having two kids at the house would be a total burden on his drinking.
Eventually I grew so pissed that I just started yelling. What the fuck does he know? He can't even stay sober for a day much less give an opinion on how one of his children is doing mentally. It's the first time that Nurse Mike had to man handle me.
I wasn't going down without a fight, this was my one chance to get Dad to get me out of here! But Mike forced me out of the room, and I was given a light tranquilizer to calm me down. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to Kandice or my dad. Sucks, but for fuck's sake he can't just turn on the parenting when it's convenient for him. He should be stuck in here! I'm getting pissed just thinking about it all again. Now it will probably be another month before he comes back.
I've been sitting in my room for several hours now, and the drugs finally wore off enough for me to think clearly again. Although, the sensation of being weightless was kind of cool. Everything is peaceful and happy, I just want to lay on my bed and relax. It's strange that a medication can have such a strong affect, and I hate not being in control of my body and thoughts.
Days ago, Jack mentioned how he used to intentionally get tranquilized when he first arrived, but Dr. Schweser quickly put a stop to it. After they caught on to Jack's scheme they changed tactics to a straitjacket and made him cool off in a padded room. He said being alone in a white room for a day is enough to drive anyone nuts. After being in there twice, he swears he'll never go back.
It's crazy how much he has changed since we started talking. I feel we've both grown from our traumatic events. But the shitty part of it is that Jack actually has grown, and I'm still left knowing what I saw was real and forced to deny it for the slim hope they'll let me out.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Monday, February 29th
DR. SCHWESER AND I HAD A LONG CONVERSATION today about what happened when my dad visited, and why I lost my temper. I still feel like Mike overreacted and tranquilized me too soon, but I understand that my anger could be harmful to other patients. Dr. Schweser and I agreed that it would never happen again, and that the next time I grew angry I'd talk to him or Nurse Sarah before I allowed my emotions to dictate my actions.
I let out all of my pent up emotions about my dad's new found love for alcohol. I couldn't help it, I just feel abandoned by him. He is keeping me here just so he doesn't have to parent me and that isn't right! I don't need to be here anymore.
I really wish that I was eighteen so I could just leave.
Dr. Schweser feels that I've made major progress, but he's worried that if I were released today I'd lapse and then the recovery would be an even longer process. He understands my frustration, but wants me to know that this is all for my own good and there's nothing to worry about. He assured me that I will get out, it's just a matter of making sure that I'm ready to enter the world again, and handle all the stresses that come with that.
My own good? Why does everyone keep saying that? At what point am I allowed to know what is good for me? I'm the only one here in my head, I should have a damn say in this shit!
FUCK!
Also the weirdest shit, when I got back to my room the door handle had been switched out. Now there is just a flat plate facing the inside of the room. So now I really am a prisoner with no fucking way out.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Tuesday, March 1st
I'M SO FUCKING EXCITED! Dr. Schweser cleared me, so now I'm off all my medication, except for one. He thinks it's best that I stay on my anti-anxiety medication until I've left here and adjusted to the life outside again.
He still thinks that I'm not ready to go home though. Taking me off my medication is the next major step in my recovery according to the secret list of steps no one will let me in on. He keeps telling me it won't be long now.
When I pressed him for a more concrete date, he just avoided it and said soon. Being stuck in here is going to drive me insane. The only thing that makes this place bearable is hanging out with Jack.
It's crazy. I don't think we could have ever been friends outside of this place, but now he's a better friend to me than anyone I knew at school. He doesn't play WoW, but he said when we get out he'd check it out and see what all the fuss is about. He keeps making fun of the fact that I'm a hardcore gamer, and also into Taekwondo. He always thought that hardcore gamers were nerds who stayed inside and didn't do anything close to physical.
Jack spent most of his free time playing bass guitar or reading. It wasn't until about six months ago, that he and his best friend started trying drugs. Long story short, apparently, pot is lame, but heroine is the shit. I told Jack that there wasn't a chance in hell that I'd ever try heroine. I've tried pot, but it's Austin. I think everyone has? It was fun, but not something I could do all the time. I don't understand how stoners are able to do anything. All I did when I was high, was lay on my bed and wa
tch TV. I couldn't imagine having to move around and actually do something.
I asked about Sarah while I was in with Dr. Schweser, and he told me she was no longer a patient at the facility. Something about his somber expression told me there was more to the story, but I guess he can't tell me. I hate how fragile they treat us! I wish I knew her last name, at least then I'd be able to look her up once I was out.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Thursday, March 3rd
TODAY WAS THE WORST FUCKING DAY YET! Jack's gone.
I keep telling myself that I'm happy for him. I sure know I wish I was out of this fucking place, so I can't be mad at him; but I can be fucking pissed about being alone in here again.
I'm also officially the youngest person in here now by a few years. Nurse Sarah is the closest in age to me, I think, but I can't talk to her the same way I could Jack.
Life's a bitch and then you die.
I just don't understand why Dr. Schweser won't let me out of this fucking place.
I met with Kandice before I found out that Jack was leaving. He didn't even find out until his parents showed up for visitation. Luckily, he forced them all to wait until I was done seeing her, so he could tell me goodbye. I gave him my cell number, but obviously, I've not used it since I've been here. I told him to send me a text with his contact info and I'd call him when I got out.
I wonder how many missed calls and texts I'll have when I get out of here.
Kandice told me that Dad's getting really fucking bad. Apparently, he looks like death, and keeps blacking out only to find himself in odd places. She buried his car keys so he can't drive but now he just walks everywhere. There's a convenience store across the street from their apartment and a liquor store not far up the road. It sounds like the apartments are a bit rough.
I hate this for her! Like losing one parent wasn't hard enough, now she has to sit there and watch another parent drink himself to death. FUCK. And here I sit not able to do a damn thing. I'm scared for her safety.
Kandice told me she has to keep putting guys in their place when they hit on her. She avoids going out at night, because she doesn't know what they would try, and she's not sure how many she can take at a time. Thank goodness for Taekwondo, she can at least defend herself against one idiot.
Somehow, she's still getting straight A's in school. However, she has decided to turn down her scholarship and acceptance to UT. She wants to go to ACC so she can get easy A's on her basics and transfer in. I think Dad's been spending our college funds on liquor. Hell, maybe I won't even have the money for college when I get out.
I have no idea what I'm going to do tomorrow. Obviously, I can't look forward to drinking with Jack. I need out of this place.
I NEED OUT OF THIS PLACE!
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Thursday, March 10th
A WEEK HAS PAST SINCE JACK LEFT, and it's one of the worsts of my life! Obviously, not as bad as my first week here, but I was starting to have a glimmer of hope. A reason to endure.
Group therapy is still boring as shit, but now I have no one to talk to about how fucking boring it is. There's no one else in this place my age, and I can only run for so long on a treadmill. Exercise is all I have left, but it's starting to drive me crazy. Who knew, too much exercise could exist?
Dr. Schweser assures me that it'll be fine, and I'll move past this. I know that Jack is way better off—andI'm glad that he got out—but I don't know how I'm going to get through being in here without someone to talk to. I miss drinking with him on Friday nights. It was a good way to kill time, and gave me something to look forward to all week. For those brief moments, it felt like I was a normal dude hanging out with a friend, and not some prisoner stuck in here.
Nurse Sarah suggested I paint to alleviate my tension and anxiety about Jack leaving. I think she should let me fuck her, to alleviate my tension. Of course I didn't tell her this. The last thing I need is to get thrown into the white room. Plus, I doubt it would help my chances of getting out.
I'm going to have the most endurance of anyone on the team when I get back to Taekwondo. I feel like I could go for a ten-minute round, and barely break a sweat. I've also increased my flexibility. I'm able to press my nose to knee when I reach to touch my toes now. I think that's the only good thing that's come from this whole fucking ordeal.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Friday, March 18th
DAD DIED! Now I'm truly a fucking orphan.
I don't think that's fully sunk in yet. Being stuck in here, I've not seen my normal fun-loving dad since the day mom died. I don't even know what to make of it. I mean of course he's dead, he was drinking like a fish and driving Kandice nuts. I should have been there to help, but no, I'm fucking stuck in this shit hole!
They let me take the phone call late last night. Well after lights out. Kandice was sobbing, and sometimes screaming, as she told me about dad. We spoke for less than ten minutes before Nurse Darrel (the night Nurse Mike ha) made me say goodbye and hung up. If I didn't need to get out of here so fucking bad, I'd kick that man's ass. He's twice my size, but I'm back up to my fighting strength, maybe even better. I'd take his knee out and pummel him. I can now do three-hundred push-ups in a row.
Kandice didn't say exactly how he died, but I figure it had something to do with his drinking. He'd been passing out all over the apartment. I'm still shocked he managed to avoid being arrested, despite passing out drunk in public. It's really thanks to Kandice looking out for him. Shit he should be in here, and I should be the one out there.
This place is a fucking prison. They won't let me out for shit. What the fuck do they want!
I couldn't even think straight last night after talking to her, I feel like this is part my fault. If I was out, I could have helped Kandice. We could have healed as a family. Bullshit. Didn't he think for a second that maybe we needed him in our lives?
What the fuck are we going to do now? Damn it!
CHAPTER TWENTY
Monday, March 21st
DR. SCHWESER CALLED ME INTO HIS OFFICE this morning to discuss my father's death. He'd taken a three-day weekend, so he didn't hear about it until he got in this morning. He was deeply apologetic for not being here sooner to help me.
Personally, I'm indifferent to his help with dealing with this. I mean, I've made it through my mom dying so I'll be fine. Though, being a full-on orphan is weird. I guess it isn't going to actually set in until I'm out and don't see my whole family there to greet me. At least I still have Kandice. Just thinking of her makes me want to cry, she is stuck there alone with no one to tell her it's going to be okay.
Dr. Schweser told me that the funeral is tomorrow and that my Aunt Jackie will be picking me up so that I can go with them. He asked me several times if I wanted to go to the funeral. He wanted to make sure that I knew I didn't have to. In fact, he thought that it might be better that I not go, if I at all felt that it would be too much for me to handle. He's only worried that if I go, I might lapse and lose all the progress I've made so far. I told him that I'm fine with going.
I don't think it will affect me at all. He brought it on himself. It's not like Mom dying in a car crash. She couldn't help it; the roads were wet. Dad drank himself to death. I don't even get why. We all miss Mom, but Kandice and I aren't over drinking. I mean I was drinking with Jack, but that was a once a week thing, and the bottle wasn't that big.
Aunt Jackie is supposed to bring me a suit for the funeral, so I'll finally be able to get out of this damn jogging suit! I'm so tired of gray it's not even funny. I would kill for some color!
I hope Kandice is okay. Dr. Schweser thought it would be best if I didn't call them today, but instead used the time to prepare myself for tomorrow.
Nurse Sarah and I spent some time alone role playing what I would do tomorrow, and how I would handle certain situations that might cause me stress. I got to hug her several times as we pretended that she was a random visitor to my dad's funeral that might try and console me. I'm n
ot going to let strangers hug me, but hugging Nurse Sarah was nice! I wish I could hit that before leaving here, but somehow, I think hitting on the nurses would cause me to stay longer. Dr. Schweser would probably write it off as some mental issue rather than good old fashion lust!
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Tuesday, March 22nd
STRANGELY ENOUGH IT FELT GOOD to be out for the day. I watched as my father was buried. None of his family showed up, I know he was an only child; Grandma and Grandpa died when I was very young. I don't even remember them. It was just Kandice, Jackie, and me all standing quietly as a priest read something from the bible. I hadn't known dad was a Catholic, but apparently, his will made it clear.
Kandice told me aunt Jackie was taking her in, and that when I finally get out I'll come live with them. Jackie's my mom's older sister, or rather was. I think by several years, I'm guessing she's in her mid-50's? Mom never really talked about her except around the holidays, since we all got together to eat.
We used to see her more when we were kids, but that came to an end. I remember when I was seven or eight and she was babysitting Kandice and me. We'd broken something because we were playing inside. Jackie spanked us both really hard and made us watch a preacher on TV talk about sin and damnation. After that day, we never hung out at her house again.
I think I'm in shock about my dad dying. It hasn't fully sunk in yet that I have no parents. Kandice told me some horror stories while we were at the funeral. Apparently, he sold the house last month and they'd moved into an apartment. All dad was doing was drinking. He'd been going to bars and then driving home where he'd drink more. Kandice told me she had to clean up after him every night. I think she's glad that Dad's dead. I know it's a horrible thing to think, but I think she's relieved.
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