I hope I get out of here soon. It has got to be hard on her being all alone with this. I doubt Aunt Jackie is going to be the easiest person to live with. She was never married and never had kids.
Dr. Schweser and I discussed me taking my GED and SAT when I get out. That way I can start college at ACC with Kandice in the Fall. He said it was a great idea, but that we would need to address it once I was ready to leave. I don't understand what more he needs to see.
He kept asking me how I felt about my father's death. I didn't know what to tell him. I've not come to terms with the fact that I'm now an orphan. Kandice and I sat together after the funeral for like an hour. Neither of us knowing what to say. Eventually we hugged and I had to come back to this shit hole. Aunt Jackie brought me back, while Kandice went home. She looked so tired, I imagine after the two months she has had, she could sleep for a week straight.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Monday, March 28th
I MET WITH DR. SCHWESER AGAIN TODAY. We've been having longer than usual meetings since the funeral. However, today he told me that we wouldn't be meeting for a few days, and that if I needed him I should tell a nurse and he would make himself available.
I'm surprised, but really alleviated to hear that I won't have to meet with him, at least for a while. He was starting to pry into my plans for when I got out. It felt more like an interrogation than our usual conversations. He wasn't using his passive calm voice, but rather a stern voice like my dad used when I was young. It felt like I was getting lectured about what I needed to do with my life.
I'll be getting my GED ASAP when I get out of here. I might have to spend a few months studying, but I can take the test any time. ACC offers the test monthly. I'll take my SAT after the GED and that should prevent me from having to take remedial classes at whichever university I end up at. Most likely I'll go to ACC with Kandice. I've missed all the deadlines to get into anywhere else. Dr. Schweser promised that he would write me a letter of recommendation and also an explanation of what happened, if I want.
I might take him up on the letter of recommendation, but if I can avoid it, I'm not going to tell anyone about me being in here. I think I'll tell everyone that I took a semester off to travel, or some shit like that.
I'm still shocked that dad is dead. I don't understand what happened at all. I always feel like everyone is leaving me in the dark about the truth. Jackie said that there's a room waiting for me when I get out. Kandice has already moved in and seems okay. Although she doesn't seem to get along with Jackie that much. It will be interesting to see when I finally get out of this fucking place!
I feel like I'm right at the edge, in this waiting zone. I've done what I came here to do but my scheduled time isn't up yet so I just have to wait. I hate waiting. I want to be in my own bed, and my own clothes. Playing games and worrying about whatever normal 17-year-olds worry about.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Thursday, March 31st
WELL I'M OUT. My Aunt Jackie picked me up with Kandice just before lunch today. None of the staff told me ahead of time I was being released. I met Dr. Schweser as usual and he told me that shortly after the meeting I would leave for good.
I'm writing this on my PC here at Jackie's house, in what I guess is now my room.
I was able to smuggle the cell phone with me when I left. It's crazy to think when I found that phone I'd wanted to be able to call out, but that was impossible. Being able to write my real feelings really made a difference I think. I was able to get the stress off my chest and not worry that anyone would judge me for it. I'm going to print out the entries and add them to my new journal so I can reflect on them if I ever feel like I need a reminder of that place.
Dr. Schweser already weaned me off of most of my prescriptions long before he told me so, giving me three sugar pills in their place. The only prescription he wants me to stay on is for my anxiety, and I can't spell the name because it's the generic version, and overly complex.
Freedom is the best! I hope the meds work, because I'd rather die than go back.
I've already setup my GED test for the 18th. So technically I'll 'graduate' before Kandice. She's pissed, but I think she's glad to see me again. Apparently, her and Jackie have been fighting since she moved in because she's been going out late at night. She's gone right now and it's already 1 AM.
Oh! I nearly forgot. Jackie bought me a moped. Technically it was bought with the money our parents left us, Kandice got a moped too, but it's mine and a pretty cool looking blue!
Also, I Googled the patient Sarah—apparently, she hung herself in her room with the door knob. I knew something was up with how everyone was acting about her. I wish there was something more I could have done for her. She was too young to go out like that, damn it that sucks.
I doubt I'll make any more of these. So if you're reading this know that life is good. I am free, and discovering a new normal.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Tuesday, April 5th
WHAT THE FUCK! I'm losing my mind. I was out grocery shopping and I saw this thing. It was like a cockroach, but six feet tall and shopping like it didn't have a care in the world. I looked around and there were other people in the aisle, but they didn't see it.
I can't deal with this. I'm losing my mind again.
I can't tell anyone!
I can't go back!
I'm going to tell Dr. Schweser that my anxiety is higher and see if he can up my prescription. If I'm calm, then maybe I won't see these things.
I nearly hyperventilated in the grocery store. One of the stockers had to help me. Everyone saw just how crazy I am. Even the cockroach tried to help me up when I fell to the ground, but when I started pushing it away it left.
I don't understand where these things are coming from. Why did I see it in the grocery store of all places? Dr. Schweser had said what I saw when my mom died, was a hallucination brought on by the trauma of my mom dying. What fucking trauma is there in picking out salad dressings?
I made it home, and I've been locked away here in my room taking deep breaths but it wasn't helping so I thought I'd write about it.
No matter what though, I can't tell anyone about this. They'll lock me back up in the hospital and I refuse to go back! I'll kill myself before I go back!
I'm going quiet after this and will do everything in my power to avoid going outside. If I don't see people, then I won't see the monsters!
What's Next?
Kandice, Blake, and Lance's story continues with Alchemy Justice: Aether Walker 4 (Chronicles of the Seventh Realm Book 11)
Author's Notes
THIS WAS THE MOST DIFFICULT BOOK I've ever had to write. Not because of the process, or hitting writers block, but because of how painful it was to place myself inside Blake's mind. To stay in that tortured state for days at a time and then transfer all that angst onto the page. However, if it came across and you enjoyed the adventure and could experience his pain for yourself, then it was all worth it.
I apologize now for not offering upbeat entertainment, which is what I strive for—always believing in the positive potential of the human spirit—but I think it was crucial for you to experience where Blake came from. Why he is just as driven to avenge his mother's death as Kandice is.
Researching what it would be like to be stuck in a psychiatric hospital was rough. But it also left me feeling privileged to be surrounded by friends and family I know I can rely on when times get tough.
As a person who suffers from soul crushing depression, I'm all too aware that I could end up in a place like that. In fact, it's my only one true fear. The idea of losing all autonomy and being forced to take drugs and follow an arbitrary routine, scares the living shit out of me.
I don't know if this book counts as a horror story in the traditional sense, but for me it was a horror story living it as I wrote it.
Thank you for taking the time to read it.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
SABETHA, THE LOVE OF MY LI
FE—the best life partner I could imagine sharing this journey with—you're my rock. Your unwavering support—for years now—is why I've been able to achieve this dream. When my self-confidence wavered, you've always been there to slap some sense into me and tell me to get back to work. For real, your support means the world to me, and I'm thrilled at the prospect to pay it back.
Jess, your feedback and insights were crucial toward the development of this story. Without it, this would still be languishing on my hard drive.
Julie, your fast feedback on ARCs has been vital toward providing the best quality read for everyone else. Thank you.
K.K. your admiration encourages me to look at myself with less criticism and I appreciate that.
Finally, you. It's only because of my readers that I'm able to make a living as an author, and I'm forever grateful to you.
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