by Daniel Defoe
solittle to the purpose, that I had no manner of consolation from him;and then to observe the poor creature preaching confession andrepentance to me in the morning, and find him drunk with brandy andspirits by noon, this had something in it so shocking, that I began tonauseate the man more than his work, and his work too by degrees, forthe sake of the man; so that I desired him to trouble me no more.
I know not how it was, but by the indefatigable application of mydiligent governess I had no bill preferred against me the firstsessions, I mean to the grand jury, at Guildhall; so I had anothermonth or five weeks before me, and without doubt this ought to havebeen accepted by me, as so much time given me for reflection upon whatwas past, and preparation for what was to come; or, in a word, I oughtto have esteemed it as a space given me for repentance, and haveemployed it as such, but it was not in me. I was sorry (as before) forbeing in Newgate, but had very few signs of repentance about me.
On the contrary, like the waters in the cavities and hollows ofmountains, which petrify and turn into stone whatever they are sufferedto drop on, so the continual conversing with such a crew of hell-houndsas I was, had the same common operation upon me as upon other people.I degenerated into stone; I turned first stupid and senseless, thenbrutish and thoughtless, and at last raving mad as any of them were;and, in short, I became as naturally pleased and easy with the place,as if indeed I had been born there.
It is scarce possible to imagine that our natures should be capable ofso much degeneracy, as to make that pleasant and agreeable that initself is the most complete misery. Here was a circumstance that Ithink it is scarce possible to mention a worse: I was as exquisitelymiserable as, speaking of common cases, it was possible for any one tobe that had life and health, and money to help them, as I had.
I had weight of guilt upon me enough to sink any creature who had theleast power of reflection left, and had any sense upon them of thehappiness of this life, of the misery of another; then I had at firstremorse indeed, but no repentance; I had now neither remorse norrepentance. I had a crime charged on me, the punishment of which wasdeath by our law; the proof so evident, that there was no room for meso much as to plead not guilty. I had the name of an old offender, sothat I had nothing to expect but death in a few weeks' time, neitherhad I myself any thoughts of escaping; and yet a certain strangelethargy of soul possessed me. I had no trouble, no apprehensions, nosorrow about me, the first surprise was gone; I was, I may well say, Iknow not how; my senses, my reason, nay, my conscience, were allasleep; my course of life for forty years had been a horridcomplication of wickedness, whoredom, adultery, incest, lying, theft;and, in a word, everything but murder and treason had been my practicefrom the age of eighteen, or thereabouts, to three-score; and now I wasengulfed in the misery of punishment, and had an infamous death just atthe door, and yet I had no sense of my condition, no thought of heavenor hell at least, that went any farther than a bare flying touch, likethe stitch or pain that gives a hint and goes off. I neither had aheart to ask God's mercy, nor indeed to think of it. And in this, Ithink, I have given a brief description of the completest misery onearth.
All my terrifying thoughts were past, the horrors of the place werebecome familiar, and I felt no more uneasiness at the noise andclamours of the prison, than they did who made that noise; in a word, Iwas become a mere Newgate-bird, as wicked and as outrageous as any ofthem; nay, I scarce retained the habit and custom of good breeding andmanners, which all along till now ran through my conversation; sothorough a degeneracy had possessed me, that I was no more the samething that I had been, than if I had never been otherwise than what Iwas now.
In the middle of this hardened part of my life I had another suddensurprise, which called me back a little to that thing called sorrow,which indeed I began to be past the sense of before. They told me onenight that there was brought into the prison late the night beforethree highwaymen, who had committed robbery somewhere on the road toWindsor, Hounslow Heath, I think it was, and were pursued to Uxbridgeby the country, and were taken there after a gallant resistance, inwhich I know not how many of the country people were wounded, and somekilled.
It is not to be wondered that we prisoners were all desirous enough tosee these brave, topping gentlemen, that were talked up to be such astheir fellows had not been known, and especially because it was saidthey would in the morning be removed into the press-yard, having givenmoney to the head master of the prison, to be allowed the liberty ofthat better part of the prison. So we that were women placed ourselvesin the way, that we would be sure to see them; but nothing couldexpress the amazement and surprise I was in, when the very first manthat came out I knew to be my Lancashire husband, the same who lived sowell at Dunstable, and the same who I afterwards saw at Brickhill, whenI was married to my last husband, as has been related.
I was struck dumb at the sight, and knew neither what to say nor whatto do; he did not know me, and that was all the present relief I had.I quitted my company, and retired as much as that dreadful placesuffers anybody to retire, and I cried vehemently for a great while.'Dreadful creature that I am,' said I, 'how many poor people have I mademiserable? How many desperate wretches have I sent to the devil?' Hehad told me at Chester he was ruined by that match, and that hisfortunes were made desperate on my account; for that thinking I hadbeen a fortune, he was run into debt more than he was able to pay, andthat he knew not what course to take; that he would go into the armyand carry a musket, or buy a horse and take a tour, as he called it;and though I never told him that I was a fortune, and so did notactually deceive him myself, yet I did encourage the having it thoughtthat I was so, and by that means I was the occasion originally of hismischief.
The surprise of the thing only struck deeper into my thoughts, and gaveme stronger reflections than all that had befallen me before. Igrieved day and night for him, and the more for that they told me hewas the captain of the gang, and that he had committed so manyrobberies, that Hind, or Whitney, or the Golden Farmer were fools tohim; that he would surely be hanged if there were no more men left inthe country he was born in; and that there would abundance of peoplecome in against him.
I was overwhelmed with grief for him; my own case gave me nodisturbance compared to this, and I loaded myself with reproaches onhis account. I bewailed his misfortunes, and the ruin he was now cometo, at such a rate, that I relished nothing now as I did before, andthe first reflections I made upon the horrid, detestable life I hadlived began to return upon me, and as these things returned, myabhorrence of the place I was in, and of the way of living in it,returned also; in a word, I was perfectly changed, and become anotherbody.
While I was under these influences of sorrow for him, came notice to methat the next sessions approaching there would be a bill preferred tothe grand jury against me, and that I should be certainly tried for mylife at the Old Bailey. My temper was touched before, the hardened,wretched boldness of spirit which I had acquired abated, and consciousin the prison, guilt began to flow in upon my mind. In short, I beganto think, and to think is one real advance from hell to heaven. Allthat hellish, hardened state and temper of soul, which I have said somuch of before, is but a deprivation of thought; he that is restored tohis power of thinking, is restored to himself.
As soon as I began, I say, to think, the first think that occurred tome broke out thus: 'Lord! what will become of me? I shall certainlydie! I shall be cast, to be sure, and there is nothing beyond that butdeath! I have no friends; what shall I do? I shall be certainly cast!Lord, have mercy upon me! What will become of me?' This was a sadthought, you will say, to be the first, after so long a time, that hadstarted into my soul of that kind, and yet even this was nothing butfright at what was to come; there was not a word of sincere repentancein it all. However, I was indeed dreadfully dejected, and disconsolateto the last degree; and as I had no friend in the world to communicatemy distressed thoughts to, it lay so heavy upon me, that it threw meinto fits and swoonings several times a day. I sent for my oldgoverness,
and she, give her her due, acted the part of a true friend.She left no stone unturned to prevent the grand jury finding the bill.She sought out one or two of the jurymen, talked with them, andendeavoured to possess them with favourable dispositions, on accountthat nothing was taken away, and no house broken, etc.; but all wouldnot do, they were over-ruled by the rest; the two wenches swore home tothe fact, and the jury found the bill against me for robbery andhouse-breaking, that is, for felony and burglary.
I sunk down when they brought me news of it, and after I came to myselfagain, I thought I should have died with the weight of it. Mygoverness acted a true mother to me; she pitied me, she cried with me,and for me, but she could not help me; and to add to the terror of it,'twas the discourse all over the house that I should die for it. Icould hear them talk it among themselves very often, and see them shaketheir heads and say they were sorry for it, and the like, as is usualin the place. But
