Love Is Oxygen

by Jarrid Wilson

  Jesus returned to the Mount of Olives, but early the next morning he was back again at the Temple. A crowd soon gathered, and he sat down and taught them. As he was speaking, the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery. They put her in front of the crowd.

  “Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?”

  They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!” Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust.

  When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman. Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”

  “No, Lord,” she said.

  And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”

  JOHN 8:1-11

  This story is so powerful. Jesus loved this woman, just as he loves people today who have sinned, and he longs for them to turn to him. Although Jesus wasn’t supporting the actions of this woman, he still protected her from the hands of those who were looking to stone her. His relentless love even goes out of its way to protect us in the midst of our brokenness.

  We Love, God Changes

  I remember when I first became a believer in Jesus. I somehow thought it was my duty to change people for the sake of spreading the gospel. I would rejoice when people would find hope in Christ but would feel like a failure when someone would decline the invitation to know Jesus as Lord and Savior. It was a little discouraging. But that’s because my understanding of how God works in my life was off.

  I say this because I believe many of today’s Christians put too much pressure on themselves to bring people to Jesus. It’s our job to love people, not change them. Only the Holy Spirit has the power and authority to do such a thing. Our calling is to simply share the gospel in love and truth, showing the character of Jesus through our everyday lives. When you let yourself off the hook for being solely responsible for somebody’s soul, you will find a totally new sense of freedom: the freedom to love. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to know all the right things to say. You don’t have to have all the answers. And if your message is totally rejected . . . it’s not on you. It’s between that individual and God. Maybe you’ll get another opportunity to try, but it’s not your job to change him or her.

  Our job is to simply be available for those who are looking to know more about God, take opportunities to be vocal about our personal relationships with him, and continue to point people back to God with every question they may have. I didn’t understand this in the early years of my faith, and I put way too much pressure on myself when it came to people being transformed. Why? Because we live in a performance-based culture, and yes, even pastors have a tendency to fall captive to its pull.

  Like me, you probably feel pressured from multiple angles. We’re told by advertising that we need to be attractive, by parents that we need good jobs, by teachers that we need good grades, by friends that we need to give more time. Jesus isn’t like that. He doesn’t make irrational demands and point a finger at us for not living up to the expectation. The only thing Jesus wants from us is our love. And when we learn to offer him that love, we long to obey him and live in the better way he has for us as well. It’s a beautiful thing.

  As we learned from Jesus in Matthew 25, we can love God simply by loving others. Whether that love produces a change in their lives is up to God. We don’t have to stress about it. Only the Holy Spirit has the power and authority to change someone’s heart. Our calling is to simply share the gospel in love and truth, showing the character of Jesus through our everyday lives. This alone is the calling of a Christian. This alone is a weighty yet fulfilling purpose for all who choose to pick up their crosses daily.

  If we were to scour the Bible, we’d see there isn’t a single passage that states we are called to change people ourselves. Why? Because it’s not our job, and it was never intended to be. We must take a step back and realize that God’s job is to be God and our job is to lead people toward the door that is hope. Once we’ve done this, we must let go and allow the one who created the world to take care of the rest. If we had the power to change people, the transformative love of God wouldn’t be needed.

  Don’t waste your time trying to change people. Instead, focus on loving well.

  True love is a safe haven from the foul critics of the world, the cutting words, the judgments, and the ill-thought opinions. True love is an umbrella for others when it rains hurt, a warm hug in times of distress, and a shield for the oncoming arrows of darkness. If we truly want to love people well, we must open our hearts and our homes to be safe havens for those who are in need. We must allow them the opportunity to show their messiness. It’s truly a beautiful thing, and I’ve seen it firsthand.

  Over the last few years, my wife and I have taken this reality to heart. We believe that one of God’s biggest callings on our life is to be a safe place, a refuge, for those who are in need. And this doesn’t just go for the people we may easily identify as broken or needy in the world—because all of us are broken and needy, even if we appear the opposite. Juli and I have been allowed to act as a haven for people the world might think of as “having it all” but who in fact simply needed a place to feel safe and at home. Professional athletes, bestselling authors, top-charting musicians, and even some people you’ve seen in movies and television. We always make it a point to let people know we don’t really care about who the world sees them as or what they do for a living. Because we’re not here to get anything from them like most of the people they encounter, but instead, we want to see how we can be a blessing to them. We just care about who they are on the inside. As Christians, we shouldn’t view people as media and society portray them to be. We should be a place for people to be the real, honest, authentic versions of themselves. What matters is someone’s soul and heart—who he or she is when all the extra stuff is stripped away.

  We are called to be safe havens for people. For my wife and me, this looks like opening ourselves up to be there in times of need—to be a place where people can fully drop their guards and be themselves without judgment. I can’t begin to explain how many real and raw conversations we’ve had in our living room. Discussions about broken relationships, struggling marriages, faith, God, doubt, family dynamics, depression. No one feels the pressure to pretend to have it all together. That’s not real life. And true love doesn’t put that pressure on people.

  And before we ever ask people to share about themselves, my wife and I give them “the gift of going second.” We believe sharing our flaws and imperfections first gives people the time and opportunity to drop their guards and realize that they aren’t the only people who are imperfect. For example, when I took my antidepressants in front of the crowd (chapter 2); it’s so simple and yet has such a beautiful impact.

  Jon Acuff said this about the gift of going second:

  When you go first, you give everyone in your church or your community or your small group or your blog, the gift of going second.

  It’s so much harder to be first. No one knows what’s off limits yet and you’re setting the boundaries with your words. You’re throwing yourself on the honesty grenade and taking whatever fall out that comes with it. Going second is so much easier. And the ease only grows exponentially as people continue to share. But it has to be started somewhere. Someone has to go first and I think it has to be us.[17]

  Usually when we do this, people are shocked. Responses such as “Wow! Didn’t expect you guys to be so open with me” are fairly common in our house. Normally we respond with “We know! That’s why we opened up.” People d
on’t expect others to be open, and that’s why the world is in such a wounded place to begin with. If we all opened up more about our trials, imperfections, and flaws, we could come together in more profound ways in love and community. We’ve said this before, but it’s worth saying again: It’s okay to not be okay, regardless of what the world might try to impress on you.

  I remember the first time I experienced this. A close friend and mentor began sharing about the current downfalls in his life, opening up about his marriage, a previously failed business, doubt, a struggle with anxiety, and that his past was filled with hard things. He opened up to me in a way I cannot begin to explain. It was as though he handed me the deepest and darkest secrets of his soul.

  This was someone I looked up to immensely. I aspired to be like this man, and I couldn’t believe he was telling me how broken and painful his life was. Part of me wondered why he’d share them with me. What if my views of him changed once he admitted his pain and imperfection? What if I didn’t want to look up to him anymore? What if I responded in the exact opposite way from how he thought I’d respond? He didn’t care. He wasn’t worried about any of that. He wanted to be open and honest with me because that’s what true leadership and love is all about. Love cannot exist without authenticity and transparency, and he modeled this so beautifully. Many leaders—many people—try to keep a composure of perfection. And one day I realized that I, too, was slowly turning into that kind of person, believing the lies that suggested I had to have it all together in order to lead well, love well, and influence well. This isn’t the case at all. The world’s greatest influence can be found through dirty, rotten, and brutal honesty. Those who exhibit this type of honesty are the people whom people like to follow. Those are the people whom you and I can relate to. Those are the people who are going to do big things in the world. I learned this really quickly.

  So now, when we invite people over to our house, we don’t try to impress for the sake of impressing. Instead we just act ourselves, watching movies on the couch and making fun of our dogs as they run around and chase after our kids. Love doesn’t have to be impressive to connect with people; it just needs to be authentic.

  Love can be an outspoken, a messy, and a public display of affection—and it can display itself through quiet and intimate conversations in your living room. But above all, love should be a safe haven for anyone in our lives, no matter who they are or what they do. Just be a person where others can find rest.

  The Son We Never Met

  When my wife and I were first married, we lived in a one-bedroom apartment in Memphis, Tennessee, and it only cost us around $450 a month! The only downside was that it was in a not-so-nice part of the city, and it was fairly common to find shotgun shells and 9mm casings by our parking spot. But we were just happy to be together in a place we could call our own, no matter how unsafe it might have been.

  Juli and I often walked around the apartment complex—we didn’t have much money, so spending time outside was the cheapest way for us to have some fun. We’d talk about life, our future goals as a couple, the house we hoped to buy one day, and the dream of starting a little family. Our walks eventually turned into bike rides after we had saved up enough to buy those little bikes. Mine was some hipster version of a fixie, and Juli was sporting her beach cruiser with a small basket on the front. (We tried to put our dog in the basket a few times, but she wasn’t too keen on it.) We had a blast and spent a lot of time riding around together.

  One day while we were riding our normal route, we spotted a young girl playing in the grass of a common area outside our apartment. We noticed that there weren’t any adults around—and she was so little—so we asked if she needed anything.

  “Hi! What’s your name?” Juli asked.

  “My name is Annie,” the girl said.

  “Do your parents know you’re out here?” I asked her. Annie put a hand on her hip, shook the two pigtails on her head, and said with a touch of sass, “They sure do!”

  “Okay!” Juli and I laughed. “Have a good day! Be safe.”

  But just as we started to pedal off into the distance, we heard a faint “Wait! Wait!” We turned around and found the little girl running toward us. She asked if she could walk around with us. “Sure!” Juli told her. “But go ask your mom first.”

  “She won’t care,” she said and began following us no matter what we said or did. We asked what her favorite things to do were and whether she had any brothers or sisters. Little did we know that our walk around the neighborhood with her would turn into a routine. Whenever we’d make our way outside, we’d see the same little girl in the distance, waving at us and excited to join us. Some days we rode bikes and other days we just walked the dog, but no matter what, this Memphis-raised girl would join us every step of the way.

  One day Annie ran toward us in excitement and shouted, “Do you want to meet my mom?”

  “Of course we do!” Juli said. “Your mom is probably wondering who these crazy people are you keep telling her about.”

  We made our way to another part of the apartment complex and saw a somber-looking woman sitting on the curb underneath a carport, staring at her phone. Annie ran up to her, smiling from ear to ear. “Momma! This is Jerry and Julian—they’re the ones I walk with who have the really cute dog.” We didn’t bother correcting her with our real names—we’d tried time and time again, but she insisted that she would only call us Jerry and Julian.

  “It’s nice to meet you! My name is Elaine,” Annie’s mother said, stretching out her hand to shake mine.

  “Yeah! Nice to meet you, too,” I said. “Your daughter is quite the character. We enjoy her company on our walks. She’s welcome to come with us anytime.”

  “Thank you,” Elaine said, struggling to stand and brush off the back of her pants. She was obviously pregnant.

  “Congratulations on the baby,” I said with a big smile. And the response I got was something I didn’t expect.

  “Yeah, but Momma is going to go get that thing out of her tomorrow,” Annie said.

  “Annie!” Elaine shook her head. “Why would you say that? I don’t even know these people. I’m so sorry, you guys.”

  “Sorry, Momma,” Annie said.

  Juli and I looked at each other. We knew what Annie had meant. Her mom was heading out to get an abortion, which meant this sweet little baby boy or girl wouldn’t get to live. We said our good-byes and started to head back home, but Juli stopped me halfway there and said, “Jarrid, we need to tell that woman we will help her if she chooses to keep the baby.”

  “What?” I said. “She doesn’t know us. Why would she trust anything we say to her?”

  My wife has a lot more faith during uncertainty than I do. But something within me knew that what Juli was saying was the right thing to do. We don’t believe in abortion under any circumstances. But we also don’t believe anybody has the right to tell someone not to get an abortion without personally offering assistance before, during, and after the birth. Love offers wisdom and then the follow-up to make it happen. Love walks alongside people through all kinds of situations. Love gives people the comfort of knowing they are not alone, even during times of uncertainty and doubt.

  So picture this, if you will: Jarrid Wilson, tall, skinny white man, riding a hipster fixie bike back to the carport to tell a woman he’d just met that if she didn’t have an abortion, he and his wife would do anything to help her. Seem crazy? Yup. Every bit of crazy, but that’s what love does. Elaine looked at me as though I was insane. Because in reality, I was. But something within her seemed to change, and after exchanging phone numbers in case she changed her mind, Juli and I received a text from her saying that she wouldn’t have the abortion if we were really serious about helping her. And we were.

  The next few months would be some of the craziest months of our lives. Doctor appointments, hospital visits, ultrasounds, prenatal vitamins, baby shopping, and more. Elaine was a single mom, alone, with little-to-no financial stab
ility, and in need of love and some encouragement to get through the hardships of life. We eventually got her connected with an adoption agency, moved her into an apartment of her own, away from an abusive situation, and helped get Annie enrolled back in school. She hadn’t been in more than three years. We wanted to do everything we could to help this little family that had been abandoned by the father and left out in the cold. We weren’t trying to be heroes. We just wanted to show them love. Even though we didn’t know what we were doing, we knew that we were called to love no matter what that looked like or cost. And somehow God kept providing the finances we needed to take care of ourselves and this little family that had come into our lives.

  Looking back, we really were crazy to try to do something like this so early on in our marriage. Many of our friends and even some of our family didn’t really get it. Was it truly the right choice for us to barge into someone’s life like this? But that’s the beauty of love: It does crazy things in the name of compassion and support. Love isn’t always comfortable, and it doesn’t always make sense. But it’s still love, and it’s always worth the effort.

  In the midst of helping Elaine and her unborn child, I ended up taking a job that required us to move across the country. It was a great opportunity for Juli and me to venture to a new part of the country together, make a good living for ourselves, and progress in our relationship with each other. Obviously, one of the only things holding us back was that we had promised to help with Elaine’s pregnancy in any way that we could, but we quickly realized we could do that even if we were living a few thousand miles away. Elaine agreed because she planned on moving to Texas with some family anyway. We would continue to pay for her apartment and send money each month for food and basic necessities. And we eventually got her approved for a system in Tennessee that would take care of all her hospital bills. God continued to pave the way to help out this little family, and Elaine and Annie quickly became part of our own. Even after we moved, we celebrated birthdays, called each other weekly, and welcomed ultrasound photos.