My Husband's Secret

by Kiersten Modglin

  She froze the screen centered on the baby, typing, “Hi Mom!” next to its tiny arm and pressing a button. I heard the picture print from the machine next to me as she pushed down a bit harder. “We just need to get a few measurements for your doctor and I’ll be done prodding on you. Everything looks great, though. Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?”

  I looked to Lucas again, feeling devastated when he still couldn’t be bothered to look back at me.

  “Healthy, right? That’s all that really matters,” the tech answered for me, when I couldn’t respond through my tears. “It’s all going to be okay, Mama.” Her smile was small and sad, as if she knew Lucas’ and my story, as if she’d seen it before. But there was no way she could’ve. I didn’t even know our story.

  I tried to smile back, refusing to give Lucas a second look as she finished the ultrasound, giving me one last peek at my baby before she shut it off. She handed me the images she’d printed off and dried my belly, handing me a paper towel to clean what she’d missed.

  “These images are being scanned to your doctor right now, so she can go over everything with you. Once you’re cleaned up, just step right out into the hall and they’ll get you into a room, okay?”

  I nodded, wiping away the excess jelly.

  “Good luck, Alaina. And congratulations.”

  “Thank you,” I said, and I couldn’t remember if she’d told me her name or not, so instead of saying it when I felt I should’ve, I just repeated, “Thank you.”

  As she closed the door, Lucas looked up at me finally. There was no apology in his eyes, and I knew there was nothing but devastation in my own.

  “Do you want to see?” I heard myself asking, though I didn’t want to do it.

  He stood, not taking a step toward me. “I saw already, babe. She said it’s healthy. That’s good.”

  “You weren’t watching, Lucas. I saw you.”

  He shook his head. “Yes, I was. I saw it.”

  “Do you even care?” I asked, my voice breaking. I shoved the photos toward him, forcing him to look at them. He swallowed, refusing.

  “Of course I care, Alaina.”

  “But you’d rather we didn’t have the baby, wouldn’t you?”

  He scoffed, his brow furrowing. “What are you talking about?”

  “You don’t want to do this…do you? You don’t want to have this baby.”

  “Well, it’s a little late for that.”

  He wasn’t denying it. “It’s not. I could have an abortion. I’m still under the limit.”

  I wanted him to say I was crazy. To beg me not to joke like that. To tell me he’d seen the same miracle I had. Instead, his face grew very serious. “I can’t make that decision for you.”

  “But you would, if it were up to you? You’d tell me to have the abortion?”

  “I haven’t thought about it,” he said softly, finally looking at the screen, though it was blank this time.

  “Well, think about it, Lucas. Tell me what it is you want.”

  “I want you,” he said quickly. “I want what we have.”

  “What we have is a child growing in my stomach. A child that will be here in a matter of months. Now, if you don’t want to help me raise it, I need to know right away. So I can make that decision alone.”

  “You know I’ll be there for you if you decide to keep the baby.”

  I brushed a tear away from the corner of my eye. “But you’d rather I didn’t?”

  He sighed, dropping his head. “Are you going to make me say it, Alaina? Really?”

  “I’m not making you say anything,” I told him, my stomach twisting as I prepared myself for what I knew was coming.

  “Would it be easier? Yes. Is it going to be really hard raising a kid when we are still getting to know each other? Yes. Would I rather have waited until we were married and settled? Yes.”

  “Would you like me to get an abortion?” I forced the question out through gritted teeth.

  His gaze remained locked with the floor. “Yes.”

  I choked out a sob, and he looked up, reaching for me. “I still want to marry you,” he told me, pressing his forehead against my temple as his arms held me tight. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t want him near me. Didn’t want to breathe in his smell. Didn’t want to be held by him, yet I couldn’t move. I was frozen by fear and grief, locked in place as I tried to decide whether to scream or sob or vomit. “I still want to marry you and start our lives together, I just want to get the timing right. This pregnancy will complicate it all.”

  I nodded, barely, and stood up from the bed, my body stiff. “You should go.”

  “No, don’t do—”

  “I think you should go, Lucas, now.” I pushed his arm off my shoulder, slinking away from him.

  “Alaina, please—”

  “I’ll schedule the appointment for the abortion, but I don’t want you there.” The words made me sick to my stomach, but I resisted the urge to touch my bump. “It was a mistake bringing you with me.”

  “Don’t say that…”

  “I want you to go, Lucas. Now,” I repeated, moving toward the door. I was going to be sick or pass out, but I wasn’t sure which, or in which order.

  “You shouldn’t be alone for this.”

  “I’m used to being alone,” I spat. “Just please…I can’t be with you right now.”

  “Should I call a cab and wait for you at your place?”

  My place. After all that talk of moving in together, it was still mine. Just another of his lies. “I think it’d be best if you went to your own place for a while.”

  “For the night?”

  “Forever, Lucas. I don’t want to see you anymore.”

  “You don’t mean that—” His expression fell, and he reached for me again.

  “I do. I really, really do.”

  A knock sounded at the door, and I heard the tech’s voice come through. “Everything okay in there?”

  Lucas looked at me with panic in his eyes. “Please…” he begged.

  I let out a slow, steady breath through my lips, trying to remain calm. “Please just go.”

  As the door opened, Lucas gave in, hanging his head and scurrying past the worried-looking tech. She took one look at my face and moved toward me, her arms around me without a word.

  I let her hold me as I cried, as I finally allowed myself to put my arms around my growing belly, and as I contemplated my next move. Whatever it would be, I’d be making it alone.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Naomi

  We sat in my parked car, waiting. For what, I wasn’t sure. I needed to know the truth, my heart was begging for it, and yet, I couldn’t move. Beside me, Brent sat quietly. His steel gray eyes were locked ahead, not meeting mine, and occasionally, he ran a hand over his dark beard. He smelled of grease and aftershave, an odd combination for anyone but a mechanic. On him, it was just his scent. One I knew well, one that I loved.

  He crossed his arms over his chest, sucking in a sigh. He was waiting for me to say something, and I knew I should, but I couldn’t bring myself to speak. What were we going to discover here? What secret of Lucas’ had I managed to uncover?

  I cleared my throat but couldn’t come up with anything new to say, so instead, I pushed open my door and stepped out of the car. Brent was out in an instant, and I locked the door twice, very aware of the fact that this side of town may not be the safest.

  The building was rundown, a few windows on the lower floor broken, most left that way while a few had been repaired with cardboard and duct tape. Brent moved closer to me, slowing his gait to make sure he was right next to me.

  “You okay?” he grunted.

  I nodded, though I was anything but, and we both knew it. His arm brushed mine, but he did nothing else, keeping our bodies close as we moved up the stone staircase. He reached for the door as I did, and I mumbled a quick thank you and stepped into the musty building. It smelled of smoke and ammonia, the floor a dingy yel
low. I shuddered as the glass door closed behind us, sealing our fate. We were really doing this.

  “Try as I might, I just can’t picture Lucas in a place like this,” I whispered, surprised when his hand wrapped around my wrist. There was nothing romantic about the gesture, it was pure protection, but my stomach filled with fire regardless. The last time he’d touched me, we’d made a terrible mistake.

  He curled his lip. “Me either. Are you sure about this? It’s not too late to turn around.” He kicked a piece of what looked like tire rubber away from his shoe, looking around the building with disgust.

  “I have to know,” I told him, waiting for his approval.

  He nodded, lowering his hand slightly, so our fingers were interwoven. Our gazes latched onto one another, and I wanted to say so much. My chest swelled with all that was unspoken between us in that moment, but instead of saying any of it I pulled him toward the stairs, and together, we walked up the faded, dingy, carpeted stairs toward the third floor. On the second, I could hear a couple arguing through the paper-thin walls. A skinny, blue-eyed, young boy sat in the hall, pushing a toy car that was missing a wheel.

  I started to say something to him, offer him more than a smile, but Brent squeezed my hand, shaking his head and pushing me to keep moving. His eyes were stone, his expression blank as we arrived on the third floor. The sun shone in through the window, warming my skin in the already-warm hallway.

  “Three-oh-four,” I said, pointing to the second apartment on our right. This is it. We approached the nicotine-stained door, and I took a deep breath, exhaling sharply through O-shaped lips. I looked at Brent, who stared back at me with a stern expression. He gave a slight jerk of his head and stepped halfway in front of me.

  His fist lifted to the wood of the door and he rapped against it three times, then stepped back, a hand out to push me even further behind him. I wondered if he could hear the way my heart was racing.

  After several long minutes, he lifted his hand to the wood again, this time knocking with more force. He glanced over his shoulder at me, looking disappointed. What would we do if no one answered? What was next? I looked up at the peephole. If Lucas was just on the other side of that door, would he answer? Was he watching us right then?

  I drew in my lips, biting down as I contemplated the possibilities. I couldn’t let myself get overwhelmed just yet.

  Finally, I heard a noise from somewhere inside the apartment. A loud thump.

  We stepped back even further in unison, until I could feel myself getting too close to the wall behind me. Brent’s hand was still in front of me, as if his palm and five outstretched fingers could shield me from whatever was on the other side of that door.

  I listened as a chain lock was loudly removed, then another. The deadbolt clicked. The door knob clicked. He looked at me, both our expressions sheer fear and apprehension. We turned our heads toward the door as it swung open.

  A wrinkled hand emerged first, pressed onto the front of the door, the other on the door frame. When she stepped into view, I saw the white hair and wrinkled, sallow face. Her eyes were empty shells, dark sores on her face, and half of her top teeth were missing.

  I had no idea who I was staring at, but to my surprise, she seemed to know me. Her smile was small and smug as she darted her gaze from me to Brent. She took another small step forward, still holding onto the wall as if it was the only thing holding her up.

  Beside me, Brent was still as stone. He sucked in a shallow breath, his hand moving to touch me as a strong, pungent smell of body odor and animal feces filled the hall.

  She clicked her tongue. “Hello, Brent.”

  I looked at him, waiting for an answer, but his expression hadn’t changed in the slightest. He was utterly emotionless as he muttered the words that shook me to my core. He pushed me forward and further away as he said them, seeming to be unable to get us away quickly enough.

  “Goodbye, Mom.”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Clara

  I’d hoped not to have to see Luke at all when I arrived at the hospital. Our schedules only overlapped by four hours, and ordinarily we were lucky to even see each other in passing. As luck would have it, as soon as I finished my rounds, I stepped out of the last room and saw his dark, curly locks bobbing as he spoke enthusiastically with one of the nurses.

  I tucked my chin into my chest, rage bubbling in my stomach, and pushed myself forward.

  Don’t notice me.

  Don’t notice me.

  Don’t noti—

  “Hey there, stranger. You avoiding me?” he teased, no idea he’d hit the nail on the head. I spun around, grimacing. Should I try to pretend everything was okay? This wasn’t the time or place for a meltdown. I still had ten hours left in my shift.

  “Nope. Just busy. I have surgery in thirty,” I told him, glancing at my watch. “See you later.”

  His jaw dropped open slightly, and when I began to walk away, I heard his footsteps approaching me from behind. “I’m sorry I had to duck out early this morning. I had a few errands I had to run before work.”

  “It’s fine.”

  “And then I had to go by and check on Naomi, let her know I wouldn’t be home tonight. I plan on staying with you…if that’s still okay?”

  I stiffened at her name, but he obviously didn’t notice. “I don’t know. I may have to work late.”

  “I’ll wait up for you.”

  “You should probably just go home, Luke,” I said, shaking my head. I did not want to cry there. More than anything I’d ever wanted in my life, I did not want to cry in the hallway of my place of work over a man who’d lied to me. I deserved better. I’d worked so hard for better. I’d burned down my old life, left my deadbeat ex, created a whole new career for myself, worked my butt off to get every scholarship and every cent of aid I could, worked three jobs to pay off the rest, and now, here I was…standing in a hallway with tears in my eyes, my heart practically ripped out of my chest as I stared at a man I thought I knew.

  He watched me crying, his expression changing from confusion to concern. “Clara, what is it?” he asked, lowering his voice slightly. He put a hand on my arm, looking over his shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

  I rubbed my lips together and swiped away my tears, though they continued to fall. “I can’t do this right now. I have surgery.”

  “Not for half an hour,” he said firmly. “You need to talk to me. Did something happen? Is it a patient?”

  I could’ve lied—probably should’ve—but I didn’t have it in me. I was exhausted and desperate for answers. Nodding my head toward the door to our right, I led the way toward the storage room and shut it behind me. I spun around, staring at him in the dim light of the room. He studied me carefully, unaware of the bombshell I was about to drop.

  Welcome to the club.

  “I need you to tell me the truth about Naomi.”

  Fear flickered across his expression, but he recovered quickly, pretending not to understand what I was asking. “What about her?”

  “I went by your house this morning, Luke. I wanted to—”

  “You did what?”

  “You’re married?” I demanded. “You’re… God, Luke, you’re married? How could you do this to me? How could you lie to me for this long?”

  For a moment, I thought he was going to defend himself, to try and lie his way out of it, but quickly thereafter, his intense demeanor softened and his shoulders fell, as if they’d been relieved of a great weight, and he placed his face in his palms. “I’m so sorry, Clara. I… God, there’s not even a good excuse. I know that. I never intended to lie.” His face left his hands, and he met my eyes. “I swear to you, I didn’t. When we met, I had no intention of lying to you. When I started falling for you, it was just the two of us. Honestly. I didn’t even know Naomi at the time. We’d gone to college together, but we were never even friends then. I didn’t know her… I still don’t know her like I know you.” He seemed as though he wanted to reach for
me, but he didn’t. “Naomi and I started seeing each other about six years ago. It was during that time when you thought the chief was giving you worse surgeries because he’d found out about us. You insisted we cool off for a while and I hardly saw you for six months… Do you remember?”

  I didn’t nod, though I did remember, of course. Was he honestly suggesting this was all my fault?

  “Anyway, I met Naomi and saw her a few times casually, but then when you and I got back together, I stopped calling her. We never really defined what we had, so I didn’t think it was a big deal.” His chest rose with a heavy breath. “Then she told me she was pregnant. I couldn’t just abandon her. I was drowning in debt, and I couldn’t afford to be served with child support, too. So, I agreed to give it a try with Naomi. Not because I loved her, but because it was what I had to do.”

  “So why not tell me then, Luke? Why not spare me years of being lied to?”

  “Because I love you,” he said forcefully. “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone, Clara. You’re the person who knows me best in all of the world. The person who understands me.” He reached for my hand, but I jerked it away. “You must hate me. I don’t blame you, but I swear to you, if I’d told you the truth all those years ago, there was a risk you would’ve walked away, and I couldn’t stomach that.”

  “So you chose to lie to me? To lead me on? To promise me a future you could never give me?” I threw my arms down at my sides, realizing what this meant. Every promise he’d given me about our future was a lie. Every time he’d told me he wanted to live with me, he wasn’t serious. I’d been all in, my heart was squarely in his hands, and he’d abused it.

  “I was never leading you on—”

  “You’re married, Luke. What future could we possibly have? You told me she was crazy. That she was a danger to Becca. You told me that was why I could never meet her, because she was so fragile.” My shaking fingers moved to cover my lips. “It was all a lie. Every single word for the last…what, six years?”