by R. S James
Turning the pager back on, I set it by my bed and crawl between my sheets. Two hours later, the pager goes off, and I reach over, seeing it’s the hospital. A three-year-old was shot in the chest, so I jump up and rush to the hospital. We operate for nine of the longest hours of my life, and finally, the child is stable, but still critical. I did everything I could to save the heart, and now, the rest will be up to the other specialist and God. I’m here, so I make rounds, checking on the patients. Seeing I have about a two-hour gap, I go to the lounge and take a nap. An hour later my pager goes off again. Making my way to the desk, I see the child is much better, and I have hopes that she will make a full recovery.
I see Carson and Xavier, standing at the ER counter. Walking over, I put my arm around Carson and ask, “What brings you guys to this neck of the woods?”
“Well, Mom said you went back on call last night, and then we heard about the little girl, so we thought we’d bust you out of the joint for some grub. Plus, this guy just loves you, wants to see you, and be with you.”
Placing a fake smile on my face, I say, “Thanks guys, but I’m here for the day. I was sleeping, when the page came in, so I rushed right here.” Just then the pager goes off again. Looking at it, I see it’s a code, and I don’t say anything just take off running. I lose that patient; with a heavy heart, I must tell the family. This is the part I hate about my profession. She cries, and I hold her up.
After about fifteen minutes, she seems to control herself and tells me, “He knew he wasn’t going to make it. He went and pre-arranged his funeral and everything, and he told me to tell you that you were his favorite doctor. Not only because you’re nice to look at, but you explain things in a way he can understand them. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you, and may God bless you.” Turning away, she walks away, like I didn’t just tell her, that her husband died of a massive heart attack.
Shaking my head, I walk back to my office and get my paperwork caught up. Looking up, I see it’s seven forty-seven at night. I guess, I’ll make my rounds, and then head home. Finally, at nine o’clock, I walk in my apartment complex, and what do you know, I have flowers again. Picking them up, I smile a little and go inside. Since it’s just me, I think peanut butter cap ‘n’ crunch for dinner sounds delicious. Eating that at the counter, I keep looking at my wallpaper on my phone, staring at his beautiful face. Can I forgive him? Maybe someday, but today is not the day. Every time I close my eyes, I see him with another woman.
Shaking those thoughts off, I head to bed, before my pager goes off again. Tomorrow is Sunday and family dinner at mom’s, unless I’m at the hospital. Thinking of making my mom mad, I better tell her I may not be there tomorrow, as I’m on call again. She is not happy, but she understands, and says she will drop off food at the hospital later tomorrow for me. Trying to talk her out of it is no use. I mean, it’s my mom for crying out loud. When my head hits my pillow, I fall asleep fast only to be woken up three hours later and rush to the hospital again. I get the patient stable and resting, and I’ve only been here an hour, so thankfully, I can go home and switch my laundry over and get a couple hours of sleep.
Thinking just that, I head home. I sigh, because I forgot to turn the washer on. So now, if I get called to go to the hospital, I’ll have to switch them to the dryer there. Climbing in bed, I fall asleep with my scrubs still on. Early on, I learned to fall asleep whenever and wherever I could. I wake up four hours later to my alarm clock. Freaking out, I check the pager and no pages! I go downstairs and switch the laundry, coming back upstairs, and then I put a bagel in for me and grab a glass of orange juice, enjoying the peace, while standing at my windows.
I feel like spring is coming finally! With a spring in my step, I head to my room to take a shower and getting some fun scrubs on. Walking into the hospital with the flowers, I set them on the ER counter, so everyone can enjoy them. I make my rounds, and then head over to Mom’s. Parking, I get out and make sure I have my pager. I spot Caitlynn outback playing, so I sneak out there to her.
I pick her up and toss her in the air, as she laughs and says, “Sissy, I missed you.” She wraps her arms around my neck, and I snuggle into her, making her giggle more.
“Awe, babe, I missed you, too so much. I’m off the day after tomorrow. Do you want to have a slumber party with me?”
“I get to sleep at your house all night long. Oh, yes! I’m ready now. Let me go get some stuff!”
“Caitlynn, not today, babe. I’m on call today, and I have to work tomorrow, but the next day, I’m off. Then, you and me we got a date, okay?”
From the corner of my eye, I see Carson come around the corner, so I say Caitlynn, “Tell me about your new boyfriend!”
Carson growls, “She does not have a fucking boyfriend, or I’ll break his legs.”
She says, with a sassy tone, “That’s fine cause my favorite sister will put them back together. She’s the bestest doctor in the world!”
Laughing I say, “Well, I’m going to go get some food, so I can eat, before this thing starts going off.”
Walking past Carson, he says, “You okay?”
“Yup, I’m getting there I think.”
“He’s here. I just wanted to give you a warning.”
With a sigh, I say, “Thanks, bro. I love you, even though you’re going to make me work on our sister’s boyfriend’s legs.”
Carly Past
Grandma has handled Grandpa’s passing much better than I expected, and honestly, even better than I have. Sitting down with her for dinner, after the first night’s viewing, I ask her, “Grandma, how are you so calm? I wasn’t married to him or with him as long as you were, and I’m falling apart!”
Chuckling, she says, “Sweet girl, I have had fifty-one glorious years with him. He told me it was going to happen, and he was ready. In his time on earth, he completed what most don’t ever. He found his soul mate and made beautiful children with me. And in turn, we had the most amazing grandchildren. He knew what he wanted and went after it.” I watch her looking off in the distance “I can still hear him say ‘You will never get where you need to be, if your still here talking about it.’ And that is what he did with everything in life.” Turning her eyes back to me, “I may look to you like I’m not falling apart, but my dear, I most definitely am. I don’t know how to live without him. He was larger than life, and just between us, I miss him so much already. I don’t know what to do next, because we had so many things I wanted us to do together.”
Standing up, I slip into the chair next to her and wrap my arms around her, as she quietly sobs in my neck. Whispering to her, I say, “Grandma, you can do all those things now, and I’ll do them with you. You won’t be alone, I promise. I can move in if you want. I’m almost done with school.”
Sitting back up, she wipes her tears and mine. Chuckling, she looks at me, “My sweet girl, you have one of the biggest hearts ever. I will make a different list of things for you and me to do together. When you get married, doing things with that person is special, and they are meant for you two and only you two. Just like our list will only be for you and me. As much as I love you for offering to move in with me, I’m afraid I must decline that offer as well. You see, once you don’t have to get up early you don’t, and I don’t know that I would be able to get up and make sure you make it to school on time. You are always welcome to come and see me, and we can continue our Thursday night dinner date. I love you and thank you for listening to me.”
“Grandma, I’m always here for you; I love you, as much as I love Gramps. I have to tell you, though. I have this ache in my chest. It feels like it’s a bubble in my chest going to overtake my heart, and I don’t like it.”
“Love, it is grief, and it will take you time to get over it, because everyone is different. I see a handsome guy that is worrying about you.” Turning, I see Xavier standing there, watching me; I give him a small smile with a couple tears. Suddenly, he’s there bending down and wrapping his arms around me.
That is when the dam breaks, and I know he is my forever.
Xavier Present
Getting an alert on my phone, that Carly is at the club, is the last thing I want to deal with tonight. I’m pissed that she is avoiding me, and so fucking confused as to why. I’m at a loss, and it’s almost like she isn’t trying to fight for us. On top of that, I have my mom and dad on my ass about going to U of M. Even though, I’m going to college here and will have my degree in two months, and I already have a job here that I love. Not to mention Carly is here, and she’s the most important. I quickly take my ass to the shower, so I can go get my girl.
About forty-five minutes, I see her enter through the door. I’m standing in a dark corner in the back, and the bouncer is eye fucking the shit out of her. I’d love nothing more than to go to her now, but I know if I do, she will have her walls built high as hell. I sit and watch her, as I bide my time. I know she is only drinking water tonight, so she must be the designated driver. My girl is nothing if not cautious. I have to chuckle, as she tries to pay the bartender for water. I’ve always gotten her drinks, so she wouldn’t know. Then, he starts eye fucking her, and I’d love nothing more than to gouge his fucking eyes out.
Finally, “FMLYH” by Seether comes on, and I know she is lost in this song. She loves it, especially when she is pissed. Walking down the stairs, no less than four girls try to talk to me, but I don’t have time for them. I only have eyes and ears for one girl. Going behind her and placing my hands on her hips, I know the second she figures out it’s me, because her body melts into mine. Leaning my head down, I take a deep breath of her, as I feel peace roll over me. I love the smell of her. Keeping my head there, I whisper in her ear. I know she’s pissed, but so am I.
After I let her know that I will give her some time, I softly kiss her lips, “I’ll see you soon, sweetheart.”
With that, I walk back to the corner, like some creepy ass stalker. I watch her go to the table and speak to her friend, and then she’s walking out the door. I follow her at a distance, where she won’t see me, but I can see her. There is no way I’m letting her out of my sight this late at night. I watch, as she goes room to room, shutting the lights off, as she leaves each room. Finally, her bedroom light comes on, and I can watch her take her clothing off, before walking into the bathroom. Turning around with a hard cock, I head home to take care of myself and try to figure out how to get her to understand I’m not her dad.
Xavier Past
My girl stayed strong during the viewings, but I can tell she is only holding on by a thin thread. I’ve been by her side, since everything happened. I know Carson is kinda baffled by this, and I think he thought I was kidding, when I said I was going to marry his sister. I’m as serious as a heart attack, and I will marry that girl one day. From now until forever, she will be ‘my girl.’ Tonight, after the viewing, we stopped at a local restaurant for dinner; I sat beside her and watched her play with her food, as she pretended to be okay dealing with this loss. Everyone sees through it, but no one is brave enough to say anything. I held her this morning for almost two hours, after she called her dad to give him the news, and his response was, “What do you want me to do? Everyone dies. Look, I got shit to do, so I gotta go.” With a click, the call ended. I can’t believe a father would be so cold towards his child. I wanted to go through the phone and punch him so hard, but I stayed quiet for my girl and just held her, whispering to her it was okay, and I was here always. That is when she kissed me for the first time, and it was just so she could feel, so I kissed her back, but slowed it down, before it got out of hand.
Today is the day of the funeral, and she is faking it again. The thin piece of rope is fraying. I hold her hand, while we do the funeral at the home and stand proud beside her, as friends and family come and give their sympathy. She does great, and after everyone is gone, the family gets to see the body for one last time. That is the straw that breaks her.
She cries, “No, no. He has so much to teach me, and I need him, I need him to walk me down the aisle, and I need him to see my kids and teach them. I’m not ready to let go. Please, let me stay here with him. I don’t want to live without him.”
Carson tries to talk to her, and she kicks him in the shin. Her mom tries, and she screams at her. “You don’t understand. Your dad loved you, and mine hates me. He is all I’ve had, and I can’t lose him.”
Then, her grandma tries, but she’s having none of it. That is when I go over and pick her up, and then sit with her on my lap, while she cries, getting it all out of her system. Picking her head up, she apologizes to everyone, including the staff. She gets up and walks over, giving her grandfather a kiss on his forehead, and then she asks to go, before she breaks down again.
Following her out, I see she is in the driver’s seat with her seatbelt on and big black sunglasses. I stop in my tracks, because I don’t really want her to have a break down out here, but I’m also not so sure she should be driving. Feeling a hand slap my back, I turn, and there is Carson, looking at Carly. “Dude, why are you staring at her like that? You look like you could be a stalker.”
“Just watch.” I didn’t have to wait long, before she puts her middle finger up to him, and I see her lips tip up just a bit. “See, wasn’t it worth that? And you’re not going to get her out of that seat. She has to keep herself busy, or she will have another break down. So, you will be safe with her driving and blaring angry music. You cool with that, or you want me to ride with you, too?”
“Nah, we are good man. We are going to the same place.”
Carly Present
This is how the next four months go. Everywhere I am, somehow Xavier knows, and he shows up there. I have friends that encouraged me to get back out there and try again. So, I did, and wouldn’t you know, he showed up. The first one I was at a chain restaurant, and we had just been seated, when the chair next to me is pulled out, and Xavier drops into it.
“Hey, I’m Xavier, and I’m her man. How’s it going?”
“Oh, my God! Are you for real right now?”
“Yes, babe. I’m as real as you and this guy.”
At this point, the guy I’m on a blind date with gets nervous and leaves. Turning to Xavier, I ask, “Are you happy? I’m trying to move on like you have. Why? Why can’t you leave me alone? Why do you keep doing this?”
“No, I’m not happy. I’m pretty freaking miserable. I haven’t moved on because there is no moving on from you. I won’t leave you alone because we belong together. I keep doing this because that is what a boyfriend does. He takes his girl out for dinner, and since you keep ignoring me, I have to show up like this to have a meal with you.”
The second blind date was the same. We arrive at the restaurant and here comes Xavier, and in a blink of an eye, there goes my date. Friday, the third and final date, was when I opened my door, and there he stood. I couldn’t believe that my friends set me up with him. We ended up having dinner and an actual conversation. It was so nice. It was as if no time had gone by. It wasn’t forced or uncomfortable. That is until two girls came over to our table and started rubbing on him, like cats in heat. The worst part was that he didn’t even try to stop it.
Getting up, I walk up and pay for dinner, and then head right out the door. About thirty minutes after I got home, he started pounding on my door, wanting to know why I left. “I’m sorry, Xavier, but two is company and three or more is more competition than I want. I sat across from you for ten minutes, while the girls were rubbing on you, as if they were cats in heat. I’m too old to be playing games. I’m ready for forever, and I want my happily ever after. At one time, I believed you were that guy. Tonight, I thought maybe we could go back to that, but I’m not going to compete with other people. I need it to be all or nothing. Once you figure out what you want, please let me know.” I say, shutting the door so
ftly in his face.
Carly Past
Today is the day we bury my grandpa. I don’t know how I’m going to do this. He was my hero, my best friend, and my everything. When I needed advice, I went to him for everything. I’ve called and texted my dad several times, needing advice from him, but of course, it’s all gone unanswered. It’s like he has fell off the face of the earth.
I wonder why people wear black to funerals. I’m searching my closet for a dress to wear, and I come across this dress I seen in the window, while walking downtown Miami, while Grandma and Mom got mani/pedis. It’s a white with black and bright yellow flowers. I loved this dress from seeing it on an online add. Grandpa seen me looking at it and says, “You see something in here you like?”
“No, I don’t need any more clothes. Come on, let’s find this putt putt golf place.”
“I didn’t ask if you needed any clothes. I asked if you liked something in here. I know you do, but you are so practical you won’t even try it on or anything. Come on.”
Opening the door to the store, I shake my head from side to side. I know Grandma and Grandpa aren’t rich, and they save for our vacations every year. Grandpa smiles and says, “You won’t let your Grandpa see you in a beautiful dress? We have time, before our game, so come on.”
Gah, why does he have to lay on the guilt? He knows I will do anything to make him happy, so in the store we go. Touching the dress is bittersweet. I love it, and it would look great with my skin tone. However, I don’t have the money to buy this dress and neither does Grandpa. Walking over to the clearance section, I start looking at sun dresses, when he comes over with a salesclerk. “Come on, love. I picked out a couple dresses I want you to try on for me. And before you say no, we are having dinner tomorrow, and I need you to be with me.”
