by R. S James
“Caitlynn, you leave the boys alone. None of them will ever love you the way me, Carson, and your dad love you, okay?”
She giggles, before saying, “Okay. Now, kiss me. We got girl stuff to do.” Leaning in, he kisses her cheek, and she kisses him back. Stepping out of the car, he looks at me. I open my mouth, but shut it, because as much as I need to say, he deserves it in privacy, and like Caitlynn said today is about her and I and girl stuff. I will deal with him soon. He walks by me, grabs my neck, and pulls me into him, kissing me hard, before he says, “Don’t forget about me.” Then he walks away.
*****
First things first, Caitlynn and I go to my apartment and put her stuff away. I call the salon, and we can go in and get our hair done and mani/pedis done. Caitlynn is so excited, as we walk to the salon. Her laughter is infectious, and soon, I’m laughing right along with her. Getting there, she decides she wants pink and purple hair, so I approve of a couple strands. Yes, I know Mom is going to have a heart attack. While she gets that, I get my highlights and low lights touched up. Picking our colors for our nails, it’s no surprise Caitlynn picks purple for both her toes and her fingers. However, I talk her into lavender for her fingernails. I get passion pink for my fingers and pink lemonade for my toes. Once we are done there, we start walking home, and Caitlynn sees a kid from daycare at the park, so we go there for a couple hours.
Finally, I ask her if her belly is hungry, she has to think about it, and finally says, “Yup, it’s hungry.” We walk to the diner in town and order our dinner, and once that’s done, we split an ice cream sundae. Looking at my watch, I realize we are way past her bedtime. So, we head back to my place, but about halfway home, she can’t walk anymore, so I carry her, and within two steps, she’s asleep. Getting her in my apartment and in bed is easy. Now, I have time to think, so I decide to write my feelings out in a letter to Xavier.
Dear Xavier,
I love you, and I’m not sure that will ever change. However, seeing you at the diner with another woman holding hands has shattered my heart. I know how it rips my heart out to think of you with someone else, when I want you for myself. I’m selfish, but I don’t want you to “settle.” I want you to be as happy as I am with you, even if that is not with me. I’m thinking about moving, because it hurts so much to even think of you with someone else. I don’t think I can handle seeing it with my own eyes. Part of the reason I left town the way I did, was because I have always promised myself, I’d never let a man treat me the way my dad treated my mom. You have always treated me like your queen, until you were at the diner holding hands with another woman. I won’t be second best. I won’t be the girl you call, when everyone else is busy. I deserve to be someone’s one and only, and I won’t accept less than that. I love you, and I know you will always be a part of the family, but right now, I need to distance myself from you for a while. Wow, this is harder than I thought it would be. I love you enough to let you go. I only want you to be happy.
With all my heart,
Carly
I put it in an envelope to give him tomorrow, when I drop Caitlynn off. I make the arrangements to stay two nights in Michigan, when I have my interview. I will leave as soon as I drop Caitlynn off. I send the pictures of the two of us today to Walmart to be printed off. Then, I put on his shirt and climb into bed and cry myself to sleep. I wake up every day at five thirty in the morning, so I’m up and showered, when Caitlynn finally wakes up at quarter to eight. She’s cranky today, and it must be, because I really wore her out yesterday. She agrees to go to Walmart with me, but then she wants to go home, which is fine. I’ll go to Walmart, get our pictures, take her home, go see my dad, and then get on the road.
I text Mom to let her know my plans, as I get our pictures, and Caitlynn helps me pick a photo album for her and one for me. She sees a couple outfits she wants, so I get them as well. Dropping her off, I have tears in my eyes, because this could be the last time, we get to do something like this for a while, but nobody knows that but me. So, I kiss her and tell her I love her. I hug mom extra tight and tell her I love her. Walking to the door, I leave Xavier’s note on the table. Leaving there, I make my way to the hospital and to my dad’s room. I get the normal speech of, “I don’t know why you saved me, when you hate me.”
“Dad, I don’t hate you now nor have I ever hated you. I have hated some of your actions, but never you. I wish you could have been man enough to tell mom what you wanted or needed, instead of cheating.”
“Carly, is that really what you want to talk to me about?”
“No, Dad, it’s not. I really want to tell you thank you for ruining me for all relationships. I’m thinking of moving away, so you’re going to have to find a new doctor. I wish you all the best, but like I told you the last time I seen you, unless you’re going to change, I’m done. I can’t, - no- wait that’s the wrong word. I won’t be second best or be walked all over. Goodbye, Dad.”
Rushing down the hallway, I make it to my car, when the tears roll down my face. Going to the next gas station, I fill my car up, grab a juice, set the GPS with the address to the hotel, and turn the Spotify on. Now, I’m on my way. I honestly don’t think I’m going to take this job; it feels wrong to leave everyone. I really didn’t think it would hurt this much just leaving for four days.
Twenty-one hours later, I pull into the hotel, get checked in, and go to my room. I go in and use the bathroom. Wow, I look horrible with bags under my eyes, and they are blood shot. Good thing my interview isn’t until Wednesday. I feel like I just went to sleep, when the pounding starts. I know I told the check in clerk last night or this morning I wouldn’t need anything today. Putting the pillow over my head, I think it will stop, but it doesn’t, it just gets louder. Finally, I get up and open the door to Xavier standing there with his smirk on his face. I’m not sure how it’s possible, but I’d like to kiss his face and slap it at the same time.
We just stand there, looking at each other, until finally, he says, “You going to let me in, or are we going to do this in the hallway, because either way, you can’t run now.”
“Come on in. You’ve already woke me up.”
He walks past me and sniffs me, “Yep, you still smell the same, look the same, and have the same smart mouth.”
“Okay, Xavier. What are you doing here?”
He’s standing in front of the door, looking so relaxed. “Oh, me? What am I doing here? Well, you could have colored me surprised, when I got home and seen your note. I. Do. Not. Accept. It. At. All. I love you, and nothing and no one can or will change that. You are it for me. As for what you thought you saw in the diner’s window, that was me buying your engagement ring from Melanie. She’s Michelle’s sister, the one that makes jewelry. Your right, I didn’t tell you where I was, because you were scheduled to work, so I figured I’d be safe, until you got off, and I could ask you to be my wife. However, you seen what you wanted to see, and you then left. You didn’t even fight. By the way, that is how I got Michelle to set up our date that you ran out on me at.”
“Oh, Xavier. You have no idea how much I fought. I fought not to hate you. I fought not to leave the state. I fought my depression. I fought my demons. While I was fighting, all that I had to see was you every time I turned around. Then, I had to lie to my dad, because if I didn’t operate on him, then he was refusing the operation. So, don’t stand there and tell me I didn’t fight, because I haven’t stopped fighting. I’m so tired of fighting, and I’m so tired of being second choice. I’m so tired of not being enough. Honestly, I’m just tired. As for the ‘date,’ I was having a great time with you, until the two skanks came up and started rubbing all over you. And you let them. I felt like a third wheel on what was supposed to be our date.” With a defeated sigh, I whisper, “I’m here because I need a breather, and I need to give my heart a break, before I go back and deal with the hurt. But most of all, I need to put my own heart back together.”
Sitting down in the chair, he stalks to me, pul
ls me up, and then he sits, as he pulls me down to straddle him. He puts his hands on my neck with his thumbs lifting my face to look at him, “Baby, let me erase some of those thoughts. I did show up everywhere you were, so I could see you, protect you, and most importantly, love you. Your dad is selfish for even asking that of you. I’m sorry he did that, and I wasn’t there to help you through it. You always have been and always will be more than enough. I admit I thought if you were jealous you would work harder to fix us, but clearly that backfired on me. I’m sorry, and I wish I could change the past and make it smooth for us. I love you, and I want to take care of you and protect you. I know you thought you saw me and someone else, but that wasn’t the case. I will tell you, if you ever go to a bar, and I watch the bouncer and bartender eye fuck you again, I will bust their shit. You’re mine, and I don’t share. Never have and never will. I’m so glad the thought of me with someone else hurts because it means that I matter to you. You have always been my number one and always will be. Please, let me fight some of your battles with you. I don’t want to take over your life, and I don’t want to control your every move. I just want to stand beside you and love you for the rest of my life.”
Carly Past
“Have you ever pictured your future wife? What will she look like, or what will she be?” I ask him, as we lay on a blanket, looking up at the sky. “I have ya know. I have certain requirements that my husband has to have has to have.”
Chuckling, he asks, “Yeah, what are they?”
“I need him to find out my favorite color, and why it is my favorite. I want him to learn my favorite flower, and then surprise me with them. I want him to learn my favorite song, and then sing it to me, when I need it. I want him to know what my favorite sweet and salty snack is. I need him to see me and want to help me grow. I need to be able to trust him one hundred percent all the time, and not just when he’s in my eyesight. I want him to be my best friend, my biggest supporter, and my teammate all in one. I don’t need him to be rich, if he knows these things, that to me is better than all the money in the world. Just because he took the time to learn all of it for me. I know I’m not easy, but I figure if I’m going to be with this person for the rest of my life, then I need to get it right.”
“Let’s see, if I pass the test. Your favorite color is yellow, and when you’re happy, because it’s so bright and dark green, when your down, as it reflects the thoughts, swirling around in your head. Your favorite flower is a daisy. Doesn’t matter the color just the flower. It’s simple like you. You have several favorite songs “Or Nah” by Wiz Khalifa is the first that comes to mind followed by “Baby” Justin Bieber, and I can sing both. Your sweet snack is peanut butter M&M’s, and the salty is pretzels. I would hope by now you would know you can trust me, and know that I want you to be so successful being a doctor or a stay at home mom. At the end of the day, if you’re happy, and in our bed, I’m happy. So how did I do?”
I can’t hold back, as the tears stream down my face. I open my mouth to say something. Anything to stop the tears, but I change my mind quickly. I lean over and kiss him with everything I have.
Xavier Past
She is grinding her pussy down on my cock, and apparently, he didn’t get the memo that we are taking this slow. Well, maybe she didn’t get the memo. Taking her face in my hands, I slow the kiss down. She finally stops kissing me. Well, really she stops everything. “You don’t want me? I thought that was the point in knowing everything about me and the line ‘I don’t care what you do as long as at the end of the night you are in our bed, if your happy I’m happy’ was that just a line?” She has tears rolling down her face, as she shifts her body, so she can get off me.
Rolling, so she is under me, and I can’t move much, because I outweigh her. “Carly, I want you so bad,” I state, grinding my hard cock into her, so she can feel just how bad I want her. “I don’t want to make love to you for the first time, and you regret it later. I want to make it magical for you. I said those lines because they are true. Have I ever denied I had feelings for you? Have I ever made you feel or believe this was a temporary fling?” She nods her head no. “That’s right because you and I have a connection most people go through their whole lives not having.” Kissing her forehead, nose, and finally, her sweet lips.
Leaning up, I look into her beautiful eyes, “Now, let’s lay here together and look at the stars, while I will this hard on down.” Listening to her laughter, while holding her hand and just being us, is better than anything.
Xavier Present
Sitting in this chair with her in my arms, is the best feeling in the world. I feel like I can breathe easy. In this moment, all is right in my world.
Dropping her forehead to mine, she says, “Okay, I love you and never stopped. Please tell me, if you’d seen me anywhere with another man you would have lost your shit.”
I cut her off and say, “I’d have gone in there and kicked his ass.”
“Okay then, so you know why I reacted the way I did. Could I have saved us both some trouble by talking yes, but my heart was broken. You know what my mom went through with my dad, and I know in my heart you would never cheat on me. However, my head is a different matter.”
I press a kiss to her lips, and then drop her forehead to mine, “Babe don’t slam the door on us. Sleep tonight, I only want you and me together forever and in peace. I don’t want you to always think the worst. I want to be the one you run to not from. I want to hold your hand, as you fight your battles. I want to fight mine right beside you, and to know if either of us needs help, the other will be right there to give it. I want to go to sleep every night with you next to me and wake up the exact same way every day for at least the next one hundred years. However, I only want that if you do, too. I don’t want our relationship to be fifty/fifty. I want it equal one hundred / one hundred.”
She kisses my lips, saying, “Babe, it’s always been you. We may have been separated, but I haven’t been with anyone, and I think you know that. Since everywhere I was, you ‘accidently showed’ up. I know you hate to run, but you were there every day, when I was. I know you hate the dance clubs, but again, you were there every time I was. It felt like every time I turned around there you were. I’m so tired can you hold me, so I can finally sleep?”
She’s kissing me deeply, and it’s just getting good, when I pull back. She doesn’t need sex right now. She needs me to be a man and do as I just promised and love her. Nodding my head, we lay down together and fall asleep.
Xavier Past
Getting a text from Carly, asking me to meet her at the hospital, has my heart in my throat. I just left her, so I don’t know what she could have done to get hurt so badly that she’d need to be at the hospital. Rushing there thinking the worst, I probably broke every speed law we have. Parking, I grab my phone and see I have three messages, thinking I never heard the notification go off I look to see what is going on, and I see it was in the ‘driving mode,’ so nothing comes out, so you can focus on the road. Opening the first message, as I get out of my truck, I see it from Carly.
My forever: Hey don’t freak out. It’s my mom, and apparently, Carson did something to my dad. See you soon.
My forever: Hey. So, I really need you. My dad and his girlfriend, which happens to be my mom’s twin, is here. And there is more, but I can’t explain it over text.
I knock on the door, and then walk in. “Hey, Carly. You okay, sweet girl?” I walk right to her, like no one else is in the room, and let’s face it, for me there isn’t. Wrapping my arms around her, I just breathe her scent in. Carson speaks up first, “Hey, Xavier. What are you doing here, man?”
“Dude, your sister needed a friend, so I came. Let’s not get all ‘big brother’ on me. I told you man-to-man that I like her, and I’m going for it.”
“Yeah, you did, but it still doesn’t mean I have to like it.”
Carly turns away from me, but she’s still standing close. “You can both put your penises away. I’m r
ight here and can make decisions on my own. What is it with guys who think a woman can’t make a simple decision without their input? First, the one man I thought would never betray and hurt me this deep does, so thanks for that, Dad.” Glaring with sarcasm dripping of each word, she spews and continues, “Now, I have my brother acting like I need permission from him to date, or hell, to even be friends with someone.” Turning around to look at me, she starts, “If you think I need you...”
I place my finger over her lips, stopping whatever nonsense she was about to spew at me. “Babe, I don’t think you need me, but I hope you do. When I have a good or bad day, I need to tell you. Sometimes, when I’m just sitting around at home, I need to hear your voice or to just see you.” Leaning down, I softly brush my lips across hers, while I intertwine our fingers. “Let’s go walk and talk, yeah?” Walking out of the room, I hear someone say, “Wow, I have never seen Carly or Carson like that.”
Then, I hear Carson, and I know Carly hears him to, but I squeeze her hand, and we keep walking. We just wander around the hospital just talking about nothing and really just being together. Finally, we decide to go back and check on her mom. Walking up the hallway, we hear Carson get loud, “Fuck no you’re not, and neither am I. Mom’s hand is probably broken, because of your bitch there, and you need to leave Carly alone.” I’m hopeful that Carson is warming up to the fact that his sister is it for me. Her dad says, “I need to know for insurance reasons.”
“Colton, quit grasping at straws. I have my own insurance and haven’t been on your policy, since I started working.”
“Well, Carly is my daughter, and I have every right to see her.” Apparently, my girl has had enough, as we walk in, and she says to her dad, “I don’t want to see you, Dad. You have hurt me so badly, and I’m sorry if this hurts you, but right now, I need some time for me. I can’t worry about you. I may feel differently, if you ever thought of Carson, Mom, or me, instead of yourself, but you didn’t and don’t. You’ve only ever thought of yourself, so that’s what we are going to do starting now.”
