by R. S James
“None of your business.”
She gasps, but then covers it up with a cough. Mom says, “Michael, that is enough.”
He pushes his chair back and stands up. “It’s not enough, she is sitting her all high and mighty looking down at us, like we aren’t good enough for her time. It’s not enough that you spend all your time with her that you haven’t even filled out the application for U of M.” Throwing his napkin on his plate, he starts to walk out of the room, until Carly’s voice stops him in his tracks.
“I’m sorry I gave you that idea that is not my intension. I felt so nervous coming here thinking you guys wouldn’t think I was good enough for Xavier. I’m not a popular girl, I’m not in the ‘in’ group, and I’m not a cheerleader. I know he could and can do so much better than me. But I have feelings deep feelings for him. I’m sorry if I offended you. I can promise to not come back over, as I don’t want you to be uncomfortable in your own home. I’m sorry if I have offended you or made you angry. Mrs. Allen, thank you for a lovely dinner. Xavier, I will see you at school tomorrow. Goodnight.”
Carly Present
Work has been steady, on the days I’m not on call or in the office, I hang out with Caitlynn. I’ve had morning sickness, but other than that, everything has been well. I still haven’t talked to Carson. However, I feel that is going to end soon, as he’s been by mom’s house and my apartment several times. I have heard Xavier is making a name for himself with all kinds of ladies. When I heard this the first time, I called Morgan, and started the divorce, I asked for nothing for myself or our child. This news shattered me to the point I couldn’t leave home for a week straight. My OB/GYN wanted to throw me in the hospital. Today is my next OB/GYN appointment, and the end of my first trimester, if everything is okay today, I will tell Carson tonight.
I walk into my appointment fifteen minutes early, and I’m taken back as soon as I’m signed in. I get weighed in, blood draw, and pee in a cup. The joys of pre-natal doctor’s appointments. It seems like forever, before the doctor comes in, and she has the ultrasound machine with her, she does the measurements and checks everything out again everything looks great, here it comes the moment of truth. I feel so sad and alone, because I truly am alone my husband has left me for whatever reason and here, I’m doing this by myself. Then, I hear the most amazing sound in the world two heart beats. I look at the doctor, and she smiles and says, “Yeah sounds like two healthy babies. Let’s look, shall we?” With tears rolling down my face, but the biggest smile I think I’ve ever had on my face.
“Wait! Can I record the heart beats with my phone?”
“Sure can!”
We record four minutes and fifty-seven seconds of heartbeats. Finally, it’s time to see my babies for the first time. I’m in complete shock that I’m carrying twins. Dr. Young says, “They are both beautiful and perfect. “I don’t believe you will have any problems with this pregnancy, but I’d like to keep seeing you bi -weekly, if that is okay with you?”
“Oh, yes I’m great with that. How long before we can see the sex of the babies?”
“About another eight weeks or so.”
“Okay, thank you Doc! See you in two weeks!”
I go back to work and have an urgent message from Xavier’s mom. Apparently, his dad has had a heart attack, and she would like for me to check over his records to make sure they are doing everything properly. I call her and talk to her then the attending and have him e-mail me the file. Looking at my phone, I have a message from Carson.
Hey, sis. I know your pissed at me, and I’m sorry. I was hoping to see you at Mom’s for dinner tonight, but I told Xavier I’d bring him some more clothes and other items. Besides, there are a couple other things I need to take care of. I’m sorry, Mom asked me not to tell you, so I won’t if she wants you to know she can tell you. Anyway, I’ll be gone for about four to six weeks. Please just text me, so I know we are okay. I love you and miss you later.
My heart breaks again for them both, so I send him a quick text back.
I love and miss you, too. You’re my favorite brother, and we will be talking soon. Call me when you get time love you more. Later.
Checking my e-mail, I see I got the one on Michael, and I’m going over it, when I see it. I don’t even think. I call Renee and ask to speak to Michael’s cardiologist. He gets on, and I ask him to look at the EKG. It shows a small difference, looking at the scans, and it shows the bottom beats faster than the top, so they need to operate to get that fixed ASAP. The cardiologist there sees and agrees with my diagnosis. He offers for me to come and perform the surgery, rubbing my belly I know now is not the time, so I politely decline. Hanging up, I finish my rounds and send Mom a text, telling her I’m not feeling well and will be over tomorrow. She quickly asks if I need her, and I decline, saying I’m just going home showering and resting. Doing as I told Mom I would, I get home and take a long hot bath, and then shower off and wash my hair. I get out and throw on some yoga pants and a t-shirt. I’m not hungry, but I know I need to eat, so I make a grilled cheese and call it good. Laying on the couch, I turn family feud on, knowing it won’t hold my attention. I have laid here for four episodes, when Renee calls me to tell me that, “Michael is out of surgery, and his heart is beating steady. She wishes I could have come down there, and Michael owes me an apology.”
“I tell her not to worry it’s all good. I was happy to help and will be anytime. However, I believe Xavier and I are done.”
She starts shooting questions off rapid fire.
“What do you mean done? He didn’t tell me anything. Oh lord, what has that child done? Can I still see you? I miss our bi-weekly mani/pedi meetings. Hell, I just miss you.”
With tears rolling down my face, I speak honestly, “You will have to talk to him. I’m sorry. I hope you both continue with good health, and I wish you both nothing, but the best. Goodbye.”
Before I hang up, I hear Xavier ask, “Mom, who are you talking to?”
That is the moment it happens. That is the moment I feel my babies move for the first time.
Once again, I have tears.
Carly Past
Walking out of Xavier’s house, I can feel the tears coming. I can hear Xavier yelling at his dad. This is not how I planned tonight to go. Putting my ear buds in, I turn my play list on and start running. Running for an hour, before I feel almost okay. I finally decide it’s getting dark enough I should go home. Getting home, I take my coat and shoes off in the hallway. Mom is sitting at the table with Carson, when I walk in. They both look up at me and do a double take. “Carly, how was dinner tonight? Where is Xavier?”
“Dinner was a disaster, and when I left, he was still at his house, yelling at his dad.”
“What happened? I can see you have tear tracks.”
“It was going okay I thought, but apparently, his dad doesn’t like me. And before you ask, I have no idea why. He acted like I was going to kill his whole family, while he watched from the moment we walked in, and I handed his mom the flowers. I didn’t even eat there, before I left. It was just too much.” Just then, my phone rings, and it’s Xavier. Handing my phone to Carson, “Will you let him know I’m home and okay?”
“Carly, I can’t lie to him.”
“What are you lying about? I’m home and I’m okay.”
He just looks at me.
“Fine, I’m not okay. But talking to him tonight won’t help me, so I’m going to go take a bath and listen to some music, and then get out and try to get lost in a book. Goodnight. I love you Momma, and you too Carson.” Leaning over, I kiss Mom on her check and hug Carson tight.
“Thank you for always being here for me. I’m so blessed to have you.” Turning around, I make my way to my bathroom, as I put my phone on airplane mode, so I won’t get calls, or texts, but I can still play my music. I put some bath salts in the water, light a few candles, and climb in the bath. Leaning my head back, I let the tears flow. I’ve always known I wasn’t good enough for Xavier, bu
t dinner tonight, just pushed it home farther. I cry for the future he promised me, and I cry for the hurtful way his dad treated me.
Xavier Present
“Who are you talking to, Mom?” I ask her. I have just gotten here. Once I knew Dad had to have surgery, I called Carson and asked him to bring me clothes and other personal belongings. I have no freaking idea how long I’ll be here for. I still haven’t spoken to Carly, but I talked to Carson, and he hasn’t spoken to her either.
Mom says, “I was speaking with Carly. Is there something going on?”
Sighing, I say, “No. Hell, I don’t know. What did she say? How did she sound?”
“Well, I called her and asked her to review your father’s medical records, and she found the problem. The doctor asked her to come and do the surgery, but she declined. She said that you guys were over, and she wished your father and I good health, and if either of us ever need her, she will be there.”
Carson walks down the hall towards us. As soon as he gets close to me, I ask him something I never thought I’d have to ask him.
“Carson, please I’m begging you have you heard from Carly? Mom just talked to her, and she told mom that she and I are done! I cannot live without her. Please tell me what to do!”
“Xavier, she just texted me that she loved and missed me, and we needed to talk, when I get back home. I tried to call her, but she sent my call to voicemail and sent me back a text telling me that we will do it face to face or not at all. So, I made her promise she is physically okay, and she is, so I have to wait just like you. I’m sorry. Come on, man. Let’s go to your house and get some sleep. You can call her when you get up.”
On the drive to my house, it’s quiet I need to get out of my head. I think I will go for a run, before I go in for the night. Fate is a vindictive bitch. As we pull into the driveway, I see a FedEx package. I have no idea what it is. I have that sinking feeling in my stomach. Walking slowly up to the porch, as if it’s a bomb, I don’t want to open it, but I need to know what it is. Now, I get what they mean when people say a double-edged sword. I grab it and head into the kitchen. I open it up and dump the contents on the table. The papers don’t even register it’s the ring that holds all my attention. It’s the one I put on Carly’s finger, when I made her my wife. Reality slaps me in the face like two tons of bricks. She is divorcing me. I don’t have any idea what happens next. I hear a howl and realize it’s me, when Carson comes running in asking what is wrong. All I can do is sit on the floor with tears streaming down my face and hold her wedding ring.
Somehow, I make it to the shower, where I cry more. I’m not sure how I have any tears left. Slowly, I make my way to my bed and hold the pillow that smells like her. It maybe creepy, but I stole her pillowcase. I must have fallen asleep, as Carson knocks on my door, telling me it’s time to go see my dad. I go in the bathroom to take care of morning business and see my face. Guess I’ll take a quick shower, before I leave. Walking down the hall to meet Carson and head out for the day, he looks as heartbroken as I feel.
“Look man, I called Mom last night. She didn’t tell me much, except that anytime your name is mentioned all Carly will say is, “Trust. He has to trust me, and he doesn’t, so it’s over.” I’m at a loss, and Mom wouldn’t give me anymore, except she told me to have you call her. So, after we go make sure your parents are good, we will be coming back here to call my mom and figure out how to fix this.”
“What if there is no fixing this?”
“What the fuck, man? Who are you, and what have you done with my best friend? The man that married my sister, you know the one that told me she was more important than our friendship. Don’t give me that shit it can’t be fix. Anything that can be broken can be fixed, if you want it you work for it. Have some faith my friend. Now, let’s go. The sooner we get to the hospital, the sooner we can get back here, and you can make the call.”
We arrive at the hospital and shoo Mom out to go take a shower and get some food. As soon as the door shuts, Dad starts the questions. “Well, my boy what happened? More importantly, do you plan to fix it?”
“Wow Dad, thank you! I know you have never liked that Carly and I loved each other. What I never could figure out was why? Were you jealous of the time and attention I gave her? Were you jealous of our relationship? What because I just don’t get it. Most parents would be so happy that their child found the love of their life, but not you. No, my dad must be nothing but negative about it. So please, for all that is holy, please explain to me why.”
“Son, I’m sorry. I’m not jealous of the time you spent with her. I’m jealous because I was with who I thought was the love of my life. We had an argument and “broke up” I was stupid and started sleeping with anyone that had tits. I won my girl back. We were going to get married, and I had already asked her, we even set the date everything. Then, we went to the bar one Friday night, and your mom was there. She came to our table and said, “I’m so sorry to have to do this. Michael and I were together, while you guys were broken up, and now, I’m pregnant. I don’t want anything from either of you. I just wanted you to know.” She turned and walked away. I was stunned. I had no idea what to do. It was like I was drowning. On the one hand, I had everything I thought I wanted. On the other I had a woman carrying my child. My girl and I talked it over, and we decided to ask your mom, if she would sign you over to us. So, we meet later that month and talked it over. Your mom flat out refused. She was pissed I have never seen her so mad in all my life. If memory serves me right, this is what she said to both of us. “So, let me get this right, you fucked me, knocked me up, and now, want me to deliver a healthy child and sign him or her off, so you two can raise it like it’s yours, and I get nothing? I’m sorry to tell you this, but you are both selfish assholes, and I wouldn’t let the pair of you raise a mouse. Please don’t contact me anymore.”
“She turned and walked away, like nothing had happened. I waited a little while then I contacted your mom on my own, I wanted to go to a doctor’s appointment with her. She finally agreed, and I went I got to see you and find out you were a boy. The very second I seen your perfect face on the monitor I fell in love, not the love of the star quarterback and head cheerleader, but the love that is soul deep, and in that moment, I knew why your mom couldn’t give you up. We walked to a bakery and talked, and we thought about split parenting, but neither of us wanted to miss anything. We both wanted you with us always. We heard the bell ding but neither of us paid any attention to it. In walked the girl I was going to marry, and she had a solution. She was breaking up with me and moving to California. Your mom and I both said she didn’t have to do that we would figure it out. She said, “I’m not mad. I’m just doing what is right, and please don’t think it doesn’t hurt, because it does. However, if I was in your shoes it’s what I’d expect.” She put her hand on your mom’s belly leaned over and softly kissed my forehead, whispered goodbye, and walked out the door. I sat there with your mom for about five minutes then left for my girl’s house, and I was five minutes too late. She was on an airplane on her way to California. Her mom let me go up to her room, and that is where I found an envelope, I dumped everything on her bed there was a letter, our tickets for our honeymoon, and the one thing that ripped me apart was her engagement ring. In the letter, she gave me permission to marry your mom, the day I was to marry her. She gave us her honeymoon and her rings. She said, “I have the memories of us, and I know that the baby is going to be the good in our goodbye. She wished us well. She begged me not to follow her. She said in the letter, “Sometimes when you want to hold on to someone you need to let them go, and to find your happy. Someday, I will find someone to make me feel the things you are feeling now. I love you now and always goodbye.” So, to answer your questions, I was so hard on you, because when I see you and Carly together, I see my past. I’m sorry I hurt you.”
“Dad, do you or have you ever loved my mom?”
“What kind of question is that? Of course, I love your mom.
Always have and always will.”
“No, dad you haven’t always loved her. You chose someone else over her. You didn’t trust her to know her own mind or to make the right decision. She was an afterthought, a warm body. I’m sorry I need some time to let this sink in.” As I walk towards the hallway, Carson stops me and tells me, “Bro everyone makes choices, and he could have chosen not to tell you. Your mom could have chosen not to tell your dad; she could have had an abortion or put you up for adoption. There are a lot of variables.”
“Yeah, I know I just need to wrap my head around this. It feels like life as I have known it to this point has all been a lie.”
Walking out into the hallway, I lean against the wall. Closing my eyes, I feel the stress of the last few months catching up to me. I’m hurt by what my dad just told me, but not nearly as hurt as I was, when I opened the envelope from Carly. I want to call her and just hear her voice. I need her to make this okay for me. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I dial her number, and it goes to voicemail. However, just hearing her voice centers me. I need to talk to my mom and make sure she is okay with how life turned out for her. What happened, before I was here, and how I was created is between them. Everyone has choices to make, and they must live with them. Walking towards the elevators, when out of the corner of my eye I spot my mom crying silently in the waiting room. I rush over to her thinking she is hurt.
“Mom, what’s wrong? Are you hurt? Do you need a doctor? Please talk to me, so I can help you.”
“Xavier, my sweet, sweet boy. I love you more than you will ever know. I’m not hurt well not physically anyway. I don’t think a doctor can fix a broken heart.”
“Mom, I’m confused please talk to me.”
“I heard your dad talking with you. I thought he was over her. I was just a fill in all these years. Let me tell you my side, please?”
