by R. S James
I feel truly safe and secure in his arms and fall asleep without any negative thought for what tomorrow may bring. I wake up feeling refreshed and ready to tackle whatever the day throws at me, and from the feel of it, my husband needs my attention right now. With a wicked smile, I slide down and take him in my mouth. A little while later, he taps my head, and I look up at him and pop him out of my mouth and say, “Good morning, baby.”
“It’s about to be.” He lifts me up and right on his cock. I ride him, as we chase our release together. Then, we get up and shower together. We leave the hotel and go to the local bakery he gets a breakfast sandwich and a coffee, while I have my trusty Pepsi and bagel. After we finish and are walking to the car, he asks, “You good?”
“I’m perfect. I’m with the man of my dreams and my husband, and I’m going to forgive my dad to set myself free. If he still decides he doesn’t want a relationship with me, then that’s on him. I will not beg someone to be a part of my life, and I will not beg to be a part of his.” I leave Xavier at our hotel.
I go and see my dad. As soon as I walk in the door, he asks for some money for scotch. I’m completely disgusted. I sit down in a chair kitty corner from him and as calmly as possible I tell him what I need from him, how I feel, and what I think must happen for us to have a relationship.
“If you don’t have any money or scotch for me, walk out the door you just came through.”
I walk to the door and whisper, “Goodbye, Daddy I will always love you, and I forgive you.”
Walking out into the cool air, I decide I need to walk, before I see or talk to anyone. I walk by the park Carson and I used to play in the sand or on the swing. Great memories while seeing it part of me is sad that Caitlynn won’t have those memories with Dad, but she will have them with Maddox. She will never have doubted his love for her. She will never beg him to want her. She will never lose faith that a man will be kind, or that a dad will stay. She will always know that he didn’t have to be her dad he chose to be.
I feel the barrel of what feels like a gun pressed into my back, before I hear anything. Then, he whispers, “Go with me and don’t say a word, and this will be easier on both of us.” I keep praying in my head that this is just a nightmare. However, reality is poking me in the back, and I don’t know what to do. I keep walking, hoping beyond hope that if I can do one thing it’s to keep this baby alive and okay, even if I’m not here. I do what he tells me to and keep walking. To someone walking down the street, it just looks like we are a couple walking together. He takes me to a back alley and pushes me down on the ground behind the dumpster. He rips my coat and shirt off. His smile makes me vomit all over me, and it reminds me of the clown in the movie IT. Whimpering, I ask, “For my shirt or coat to clean myself up with.”
He yells at me, “SHUT UP YOU, STUPID BITCH. YOU ARE GOING TO DO WHAT I SAY AND NOTHING MORE. UNDERSTAND?!” Numbly, I nod my head yes. His hands move to the button on his jeans, and he slowly unbuttons and unzips his jeans. I feel nothing but dread. In my mind, I pray God takes care of my mom, Caitlynn, Carson, Xavier, Maddox, and that I’m here long enough for the proof of Xavier and I’s love to be brought into this world and in perfect health. I feel the tip of the knife against the bottom of my leg, and he raises it up. I watch, as he shreds my jeans off my body. I know what is going to happen. If it was just me, I could and would fight back, but I don’t think I can take another loss, so I just lay still and pray it’s over quickly. I feel the tears roll down my face, which seems to make him angry, as he takes my coat and puts it over my face. He thrusts into me, and I feel him rip me, as I’m dry. This pain is almost as bad as the pain I felt, when I lost my baby. I cry out, as he thrusts harder in me. He tells me, “IF YOU WANT TO MAKE IT OUT ALIVE, SHUT YOUR FUCKING WHORE MOUTH. YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING I’M GIVING YOU AND MORE.”
The next thing I know, someone says they are paramedics, and I’m being loaded into an ambulance. I watch, as everyone around me rushes around doing a different job. It’s almost beautiful how they all work in perfect sync. The nurse collects semen for the lab to run to find out who did this to me. I hear some shouting, and then here comes Xavier, rushing into the cubical I’m in. He has tears in his eyes, as he holds my hand and rests his forehead to mine, whispering how sorry he is. “Why are you sorry?” Before he has a chance to respond, a nurse comes in and tells me I should take the morning after pill, and I shout NO!!
“Babe, you need to take the pill.”
“No, I refuse I can’t. I won’t lose another.”
“Carly, I’m a strong man, and I’ll do anything for you, but I don’t think I can raise a rapist’s baby, even if you are the mother.”
“Xavier…
I get cut off, as he gets angrier and leaves. Slowly, I look to the nurse and whisper, “I’m pregnant with my husband’s child, and now, he hates me.”
“I’m sorry, ma’am I didn’t know. Your labs are not back yet. Would you like me to go get him?”
“No. I’d like you to be able to ask questions. I’d like to take this last twelve hours back. But go get him? No, he should have trusted me to decide like that.” Sobbing in pain emotional and physical I ask, “I’m sorry. Can I have some privacy?”
“Sure, if you need anything just press the red button. I’ll go see about discharge papers for you. Is there anyone else I can call for you?”
“No, no thank you.”
I grab my phone and swipe it to answer it. I should have known it would be Carson.
“Hey. What’s going on? I’ve never been so afraid in my life.”
“Hey. Well, I went to Dad’s today.” I tell him the whole story from the time I woke up, until now, leaving out about my being pregnant.
“Carly, are you fucking stupid? Why would you not take the morning after pill? Xavier has every right to be pissed. I’m so pissed at you, and if you were my wife, I’d feel the same.”
This emotional pain is just as bad as it was with Xavier. The two of them have promised me over and over to protect me and yet here we are. “Well Carson, you’re not my husband. You’re my twin brother, and as my twin brother or my husband, I’d expect you to trust me to make decisions affecting my life and not just jump the gun. Hey, here is an idea. Why don’t you ask why I refused, instead of just going off half-cocked? Do you really think I would carry a rapist child and be able to look at it every day for the rest of my life? Ya know what. Fuck this. I’m so tired of everyone telling me how to live my life and not giving me a chance. And Fuck you.”
I hang up on him, and instantly my phone starts ringing again, so I shut it off. About thirty minutes later, a different nurse comes in with my discharge papers and prescriptions, and I’m out the door. I take a cab back to the hotel. Walking in the room, I see all of Xavier’s stuff is gone. I grab all my stuff and walk to a different hotel and check in for the night. I use the hotel’s business office to rent a car for the next day. Once all that is done, I make my way back to my room take a shower and crawl into bed naked and completely drained. As I lay here, I can’t hold back the tears anymore. I let them fall freely. I call the one person I can count on.
“Maddox, I need you.”
“Baby girl, what’s wrong? Your brother is in rare form tonight, and Xavier called home and is apparently moving into his own apartment. Please, tell me what is going on.”
“I need you to go outside and not tell mom. I need you to promise, Maddox.”
“Okay, I promise. I’m out in the garage. What’s up?”
“Okay, I came back to see my dad.” I hear him start to say why.
“Please, let me get this all out, before you say anything okay. Anyways, I needed to forgive him, so I would feel better. He told me if I didn’t have money or scotch for him than I could walk out the same door I just walked into. Then, on the way back I was raped. When Xavier got to me in the hospital, the nurse came in and tried to get me to take the morning after pill. Maddox, I couldn’t cause I’m carrying Xavier’s baby, and now, you
and I are the only ones that know that. I’m so hurt that Xavier and Carson didn’t even ask why I wouldn’t take the pill. They just flew off the handle because I didn’t take it. I haven’t told anyone because you know what kind of depression I went into, when I lost the last baby. I’m not sure I’d survive that again.” Sobbing, I whisper, “Maddox, please tell me what to do and how to feel?”
“Okay, first I understand why you went to see your dad and your mom would also. Secondly, I’m so sorry you were raped, if I could have taken that for you, I would have. Third, I’m glad you didn’t take the pill, as you are right you would have gone into deep depression. I can only guess as why they didn’t ask and just jumped. A lot of emotions were involved. Maybe give it a couple days, and they will come around.”
“Maddox, I’m not sure I can come back from this. He didn’t trust me. What kind of relationship do we have? He left. He didn’t leave a note or anything. I don’t want to think if I cook the wrong thing for dinner, instead of talking to me, he just leaves. Maybe, it’s best this way. Maddox, I’m so sorry my heart is in pieces, and I don’t know that it will ever be whole again. I love you, and I will be home tomorrow. I’m going to carry on as if nothing is wrong. I guess I’ll need to contact Morgan about a divorce. Thank you for listening and always being there.”
“Carly, you know I’m always here, and I think you should wait and talk to Xavier, before you call Morgan. Your brother just pulled in what do you want to do about him?”
“I’m so angry at him. I don’t even know. The only thing I know is that I can’t talk to him now. Please, tell him to leave me alone, and when I’ve cooled down and am ready, I’ll talk to him. Other than that, I don’t know what to say or to do.”
“Okay, I respect your wishes. Just know that you will probably have a mailbox full of text, e-mails, and voice mails from your brother. I love you. I’m going to tell your mom that I talked to you, and you will be home tomorrow, but you need some time to figure some things out. Sound okay?”
“Yes. Thanks again Maddox you’re the best! I love you and will see you tomorrow sometime.”
Hanging up, I start crying all over again. the next thing I know the sun is shining in my eyes. I get up and get in the shower, as I have a child to take care of.
While in the shower I get so angry that when I get out, I sit and write Xavier a letter. It’s so mean and hateful, but it’s honest. Still sitting, I write another letter asking why. Why wasn’t I enough? Why he couldn’t talk to me? Why did he promise me everything and back out? I can’t laugh, I can’t cry, I can’t do anything. Why can’t he love me the way I love him?
Finally, I fold both letters up tuck them in my suitcase and get ready for my journey back home. I get home and take a couple days off for me. I go see an OB/GYN everything looks great. My due date is June 30th and my doctor has decided to see me bi-weekly due to the trauma, and my history with miscarriages. I leave there and need to see my mom and my sister, as they are the ones that are getting hurt by this, so I send Maddox a text to make sure they are both home and Carson isn’t there. I get there, and Mom is waiting for me. As I get out, I walk right into her open arms. I can feel the hurt in her embrace, as it wasn’t her, I called. We walk together to the swing and I tell her, “Mom please don’t be angry I called Maddox. I was so hurt not only at Xavier, but also at Carson.”
Mom takes my face in her hands, “Baby, I’m not angry. I’m just concerned. Can you start at the beginning and tell me everything?”
With a deep breath, I tell my mom everything, including about the baby.
“Wait and say that again.”
Chuckling, I say it again.
“Who else knows?”
“Just you and Maddox. That’s why I got so angry, when the nurse wanted me to take the morning after pill. I refused, and Xavier got so mad then he just left, like I was some stranger. Then, I thought for sure my brother would have my back, but nope, he said the same thing. Neither one of them asked why I didn’t want it.”
“Well, baby girl. I have to be honest and respect your wishes. Carson is heading this way now. I agree they were both wrong, but you need to tell them.”
“Mom, I can’t just tell them. They betrayed my trust by not trusting me to make the right decision for me. I’m not ready to “make nice” with them. I mean look this could have been such a small problem, but he decided not to talk to me. I feel like this is too big to push up hill, and I’m too tired to do all the work myself. I feel like I should let what’s broken and leave it to the breeze. Once I’m in the next trimester, I’ll let everyone know, but until I’m in the clear I need to lay low. I’m begging you Mom.”
“Okay, I won’t say anything, I promise. I love you. Now, go get your sister for a couple hours, so I can relax and yell at Carson without Caitlynn listening.”
“You got a deal!!”
Walking inside, I holler for Caitlynn and get her shoes and a jacket, and we are off for some girl time.
Xavier Present
I cannot believe she refused to take the fucking plan B pill. I understand she is anti-abortion, but a rapist child. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to raise it. Walking out of the hospital, I see her dad. Walking over to him, “Do you know what happened to your daughter today?”
“Yeah, she came over to talk to me. I told her the only way I had anything to say to her was if she would buy me some alcohol. She told me she was sorry, but this was goodbye. I watched her leave and seen a loan shark I owe money to follow her, if she would have given me the money, she would have been safe.”
“Are you fucking serious right now? Your daughter was raped at gun point, and all you can say is ‘if she would have given you money it wouldn’t have happened?’ What fucking kind of a father are you? Do you care that she could be carrying a rapist child? Or that she could have been killed? Do you fucking care at all?” Getting in his face and pushing him a little, he is so drunk or stoned, I’m not even sure he knows his own name. Looking me square in the eyes, he says “Why should I care? They all left me for him. They all abandoned me, so it’s only fair.”
“Dude, are you fucking serious? You cheated on Claire, you had Caitlynn with Claire’s twin sister, and you’re the victim? You kill me. I’m so thankful our kids will never know you as anyone.”
“You don’t know anything. You don’t know what it’s like to know your wife doesn’t want you, and you don’t turn her on. You don’t know what it’s like to have your friends look at you with pity in their eyes. You have no idea what life has been like for me, until you walk a mile in my shoes, don’t you dare judge me.”
“Man, I wouldn’t have to even step into your shoes to know you had it all. You had a wife, kids, the best of life, and it wasn’t enough. How many times did you cheat? And for what? Bigger tits? Bigger ass? The unknown? What did any of them women have that Claire didn’t? Let me tell you what I know they didn’t have. First, they didn’t have your last name. Second, they didn’t repeat vows with you. Thirdly, they didn’t give you two beautifully healthy kids. They didn’t make a home with you. They were easy it was the thrill of the chase. It was forbidden fruit.” Shaking my head, I look back in his eyes, “Man, I will never understand how you had the world in your hands and you let it all go. The funny part is you want to play the victim, and you don’t see you had it all. Seriously Claire, Carly, Carson, hell even Caitlynn, don’t play that part. They picked themselves up from the ground and started living all over again. Without you.” Drawing my arm back, like I’m going to punch him in the face, because I really want to. Bringing it to an inch, and then drop it. “You know what? You’re not worth it.” Turning I walk away. I’m walking into the hotel, when my phone rings, looking at the screen and hoping against hope that it is Carly, sighing when I read ‘Mom’ on it, clicking the green phone icon, I bring the phone to my ear.
“Hello.”
“Xavier, thank God I’ve got you. I need you to come to the hospital immediately. Your dad has had a hea
rt attack. They are doing so many tests, and I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do.” Listening to her sobbing, I tell her I’ll be right there. Rushing back to the room, I go in and toss my stuff in the suitcase, grabbing the rental keys, I walk out the door.
Xavier Past
I finally had Carly over for dinner with my parents tonight. I was so excited to bring her home and let my mom and dad meet her. You hear kids at school always saying how their parents embarrass them, when their girlfriend comes over. Not me though. I was the one bringing my baby books out. Dad was a total asshole, and I’m not sure why. I asked them last Sunday, if she could come this Sunday for dinner, and they both seemed excited. When we got there, I introduced them, and Carly gave Mom flowers, she was so shocked that they were for her and from Carly. Then she asked mom if she needed any help, and of course, Mom said no. Carly sat at the island and talked to my mom, while she cooked. Dad sat in the front room completely ignoring everyone. When Mom called everyone to the table, he refused to say grace, or even speak to Carly. He pissed me off, and I let him have it. We had just sat down, my dad at the head of the table, and my mom to his right Carly to his left then me. Mom said grace, and he refused to hold her hand. Then, when she was passing the mashed potatoes, he wouldn’t take them from her. He waited, until she sat them down, and my mom picked them up, before he would take them.
“Dad, I’m not sure what your problem with Carly is, but you need to knock it the freak off. Your being so rude and disrespectful.”
“Young man, in my house and at my table, I will be treated with respect.”
“Yeah, well you have to earn it to receive it.” Carly pulls my arm, so I will sit back down and finish dinner. She tries to include him in conversations, but he is a royal ass. “What is it you do, Mr. Allen?”
