This Is Love

by Ivy Smoak

  I moaned as he removed his fingers from my skin.

  “This is going to hurt, Penny. But the best part? You’re going to love it.” He lifted my legs around his waist and then thrust inside of me hard.

  The sensation of him filling me made me gasp. Fuck. God, I wasn’t ready for him. It felt like he was ripping me open. But when he pulled back and thrust in again, I felt a wave of pleasure.

  I dug my fingers into the muscles of his back until he pulled them away and pushed the backs of my hands against the cold wall.

  No one could love me the way that he could. Emotionally. Physically. It was like his cock was made just for me.

  He slammed into me again, harder than before.

  Jesus. He was right. I loved that it hurt. I loved the line between pleasure and pain. I fucking loved the way he made me feel. I wasn’t the light to his darkness at all. I was as dark as him. I clenched my muscles around his cock, making him groan. No, I wasn’t the same girl that fell in love with her professor. I was older, wiser, and had done tons of kegel exercises while I was pregnant. Our sex was great back then. But now? It was fucking amazing. I finally felt like I was as good at pleasing him as he was at pleasing me.

  His kisses trailing the side of my neck were so soft compared to the way he was slamming into me. Like he wanted me to feel the love despite the fact that we were fucking. And just as I thought it, he sucked on the side of my neck hard, erasing any feeling of soft intimacy. It felt like a lightning bolt went through me.

  And I remembered. I remembered everything. The pain mixed with the pleasure. The smell of his cologne combined with the steam and filled my nose, swirling memories to the surface. Each thrust felt like one from the past. All the times he had held me against a wall just like this. The times he devoured me like I was all he needed to survive. All the times he whispered dirty things in my ear to make me come.

  But it was my turn today. “I love you, Professor Hunter,” I whispered into his ear.

  I came at the same time as him, the warmth of him inside of me tipping me over the edge. I felt drunk as he continued to hold me against the wall. His hot breath on the side of my neck was the most comforting sensation in the world. I was intoxicated by him.

  He lightly kissed the side of my neck once more before placing his forehead against mine. His eyes were closed and I took the time to breathe him in. His exhales were the only air I needed. With him still inside of me and him holding me up in his arms I felt so at peace. And calm. And whole. Except for a lingering pain on the side of my neck.

  “You gave me a hickey, didn’t you?” I tried not to smile too hard.

  He slowly opened his eyes. “Recently you’ve been forgetting that you're mine. Now you’ll remember.”

  I was never going to forget again.

  Chapter 8

  Monday - James

  For just a few minutes it felt like we were back in time, making love in my apartment in Newark. I wasn’t sure why, but I tried to dismiss the thought. I loved how we met. I loved how we started. But I knew better than anyone now that the past belonged in the past. Remembering it was great, but reliving it was a nightmare. I was happy where we were. Here. Today.

  We weren’t the same people anymore. Penny and I had been through so much together. Her forgetting about the last several years had nearly killed me.

  Seeing her crying on the bathroom floor made me forget about the past few weeks. I had made her feel like she had broken us. And that wasn’t true at all. If anything, I loved her more than ever now. Losing her for a few weeks was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. Now I had her back. I didn’t need her apologies. I just needed her.

  When she came out of the bathroom adjusting her shirt, she almost looked bashful. I knew she was remembering. I just didn’t know which parts she remembered.

  “Hey,” she said as she ran her fingers through her hair, trying to pull out a few knots.

  I loved her unruly curls. She usually styled it now, but I liked it like this best. Natural. She didn’t need anything added to her to look beautiful.

  I walked over to her, grabbed both sides of her face, and placed my lips against hers. I felt her melt into me, and it pulled on my heartstrings. She was finally where she belonged again. “Hey yourself.”

  Penny laughed as she pulled away. But her eyes weren’t dancing with humor. “You said things with your mom have changed?” She glanced over my shoulder at the closed door. “I still have an unsettled feeling in my stomach when I think about her.”

  “I think maybe she’s acted the way she has because she felt threatened by you in my life.”

  “By me? Why?”

  “Because you became everything to me so quickly. Nothing else mattered but you.”

  Her eyes locked with mine. “But that’s not true anymore. You have your friends and family. Our family.” She pressed her lips together. “I need to go see Liam. I need to hold him. I need to tell him I love him.”

  “He knows.” I placed a gentle kiss against her forehead. “Visiting hours are over, but I’m sure we can convince someone to let us up.”

  “You’ve always been very good at that. I remember when you visited me after I got my concussion.”

  “Hmm.” I brushed a loose strand of hair away from her face. “I didn’t realize how important our memories were until you lost them. What else do you remember?”

  “Besides the fact that you like to bribe nurses and that your mother hates me? Well…” her eyes dropped to my mouth. “Other things too. Lots of things.” She bit down on her bottom lip.

  “What don’t you remember?” I tried not to stare at her lips, or else we’d wind up repeating our time in the shower. And Rob and my mother were waiting. We had already taken awhile in here. They were probably wondering if we were okay.

  “I don’t remember that day…when I went into the hospital.” She placed her hand on her stomach.

  “Nothing at all about it?” I wanted her to remember everything. But maybe it was better that she didn’t remember that day. I hadn’t been there for her when she needed me. I didn’t want that seared into her brain when our relationship was still so fragile.

  “No. And there are other holes too. Where my memories kind of…jump ahead I think. Almost like they’re on fast-forward. I still want to read the rest of what I wrote. It might help.”

  “Just the important stuff.”

  She smiled.

  “If everything comes back to you except the day of the accident, I think that might be for the best.”

  Her eyes locked with mine. “You’re probably right. One advantage of losing your memory is that you don’t have to remember the bad stuff.” She took a deep breath. “Speaking of bad stuff…we should probably get this thing with your mom over with before I lose my nerve.”

  “She’s actually hoping to come see Liam with us tonight. And Scarlett. I think she’s finally ready to be a grandmother.”

  “She hasn’t met either of them yet?” Penny touched the side of her forehead. “I guess I’m missing more than I realized.”

  “It’s going to be fine. I promise. And if you feel at all uncomfortable with her seeing the children, I’ll tell her she can’t come. Okay?”

  “Okay.” She looked so adorably nervous. There was a vulnerability there that I wasn’t used to seeing in her. Again, it made me feel like we were back in time. Back where we began. I needed to make sure I wasn’t overwhelming her. I needed to make sure she felt safe with me.

  I laced my fingers with hers and guided her out in the hall before she could change her mind. I was as nervous as her. My mom had agreed to apologize years ago, but an apology had never happened. She had been horrible to us before our wedding. Hell, she had been horrible to me my whole life. I felt that same sour feeling Penny did in her stomach. But I was sick of holding grudges. I was getting too old to harbor feelings of resentment toward my mother. I needed to let this go. My cardiologist would thank me later for being less stressed.

/>   I was surprised to hear Rob’s laughter filtering through the hall. Apparently my mother was making nice with him as well.

  “Penny. Darling,” my mom said as we entered the room. She stood up and approached us.

  Penny was squeezing my hand so tightly it felt like she was going to cut off circulation to my fingers.

  “I have so much I need to say to you,” my mother said. “I wanted to protect my son. And in doing so, I realize that I wasn’t really taking his opinions into consideration. I dismissed you as a young hussy with fluff for brains and never took the time to get to know you. Partially because of your family’s status and partially because I adored Isabella so.”

  I couldn’t believe when she stopped talking and stared at Penny expectantly. “That wasn’t a good apology,” I said before Penny could even reply. “You have to admit that you were wrong about her and her family.”

  “But her family is of unequal footing as…”

  “Penny has half of everything I own.” I pulled my hand out of hers. “She’s better off than you now.”

  Rob laughed from the loveseat behind her.

  My mother cleared her throat. “Clearly I wasn’t calling her a poor hussy now. The idea that she changed by being around you was implied.”

  “Geez, Susan, come on,” Rob said with a laugh and stood up to join the conversation. “You basically just insinuated that she used to be a hussy.”

  “For the last time, Robert, do not call me by my first name. I am your mother.”

  “You haven’t been acting like it,” he mumbled.

  She sighed and turned back to me. “I’ve apologized to you and your brother. And your wife, James. I don’t know what else you want from me. Anyone who marries into wealth understands common associations with doing such a thing. Where do you think the term gold digger came from?”

  “We’re leaving,” I said.

  Penny grabbed my arm. “No, it’s okay. Honestly, she’s right. Not about the hussy thing, obviously. And I don’t love that insinuation. But it’s hard marrying someone who has so much. I’ve certainly felt like I didn’t belong more times than I can count. And she wasn’t calling me a gold digger. She was simply using it as an example. Right, Mrs. Hunter?”

  My mother smiled. “See. She understands my apology.”

  “I understand where you’re coming from. But technically you haven’t uttered the words ‘I’m sorry.’ And I for one would really appreciate hearing them.”

  Her words made me stand up a little taller. Sometimes I forgot that Penny didn’t always need my protection. She could fend for herself. She was strong and brave. I was in awe of her.

  Rob clapped our mom on the back as he walked over to Penny. He folded his arms across his chest as he stood beside us. Three against one. A united front. I was glad he was here. I’d never be able to accept my mother’s apology until she apologized to him too. This was about all of us. Not just me and Penny.

  “For heaven’s sake. I’m sorry, Rob. I’m sorry, James. I’m sorry, Penny. Truly. I am.” She sounded sincere.

  I looked down at Penny. This was up to her. She was the most important person in my life. It was crucial that she and my mom both knew it.

  She smiled up to me, definitely less nervous than before. “If your sons forgive you, I forgive you,” she said and glanced at Rob too.

  Rob winked at her. "Sure,” he said. “But I’m still calling you Susan until Daphne agrees that you can be part of our lives too. It’s not just about me anymore. I have a whole family that you haven’t wanted to be a part of.”

  Our mother sighed. “Fine. Don’t call me mom. But maybe my grandkids can call me grandma?” She looked at all of us hopefully.

  I wrapped my arm around Penny’s back. She nodded up at me with a smile on her face. For a few days, I thought my family was falling apart. Now we were more whole than ever. I looked back at my mother. “Okay, Grandma. Ready to meet them?”

  Chapter 9

  Monday - Penny

  I had memories of James being closed off. Hard to read. Moody. But he wasn’t like those memories. His heart was so big. He'd forgiven his mother. And I know I had said the same words, but I was still watching her suspiciously. She could say all the rude things or nice things in the world to me. But all that mattered to me was how she treated my husband. And Rob. Rob was one of my best friends. I wanted to protect him just as much as I wanted to protect James from pain. Maybe it was the momma bear in me.

  I bit the inside of my lip. I hoped I really was a good mother. I hoped that this time when I saw my son I remembered him, instead of just meeting him for the first time. I’d know him now, right? I’d remember?

  The elevator dinged open. I don’t know what James had to do to get all of us up here. But any amount of money would be worth this moment. I stopped outside the NICU window and stared inside. I knew I had technically already met him once. But that wasn’t me. That person was a ghost, a shell of who I really was. She hadn’t known James. She wasn’t whole. A shadow of what could have been if I hadn’t run into James in that coffee shop so many years ago.

  My train of thought halted when my eyes landed on my son. It felt like my heart ripped in half. I rushed to the door and pulled it open.

  “Mrs. Hunter…”

  I pressed my hand against the glass that was surrounding Liam. “I need to hold him.”

  “He’s sleeping, Mrs. Hunter. I think…”

  “Please let me hold him.” My voice cracked. God, he was so small.

  “Penny, he’s getting stronger every day,” James said.

  I barely even heard him. I felt his hand on my shoulder, but I didn’t really feel it. All I could feel was this shadow cross my soul.

  “Please.” I blinked back my tears. “I need to hold him.” I need to say hello before I miss the chance. “Please.”

  “Alright, one second.” The nurse stopped protesting and started maneuvering all the tubes attached to Liam.

  As soon as he was in my arms, my tears started flowing freely. He felt like home in my arms. Like a piece of my soul was staring back at me. “Hey, baby boy.”

  His eyes stayed closed. I knew he was sleeping. I knew that, but for some reason, his closed eyes overwhelmed me. Open your eyes. Open your eyes for me, Liam. It was like I could feel him slipping away from me. I watched as my tears fell, staining his cheeks. And he still didn’t move. He was so still and it terrified me. Open your eyes. Please.

  James wrapped his arms around me from behind, holding me steady. I had fixed things with him. Miraculously, he had forgiven me for everything. But I couldn’t fix this. I didn’t know how to heal my son.

  “What are we going to do?” I whispered. I wasn’t even sure if James heard me. But then he kissed the side of my neck.

  “We’re going to wait.” His breath was hot in my ear, giving me a sense of comfort. “And pray. And be with him as much as possible.”

  “But you’re not religious.”

  “Praying to a God you didn’t think you believed in during a crisis sometimes makes a believer out of the most hardened of souls. It makes you hope that miracles can happen.”

  I sniffed, trying to stop my tears. “Did you read that somewhere?” It was beautiful.

  “No, it’s just…true.”

  I turned my head to look up at him.

  He reached out and gently wiped away my tears. “God, if you’re out there, please heal our son,” he said. “Please watch over him. Let us bring him home.”

  Whatever tears he had wiped away started falling freely again.

  “And let Penny’s memories keep coming back. Let her heal.”

  “And let James heal too,” I added. I still needed to talk to him about what exactly had happened to him. But it was true, praying to a God we didn’t necessarily believe in couldn’t possibly hurt. “Amen?”

  “Amen,” James confirmed.

  Liam kicked one of his feet out and my tears were replaced with a smile. I definitely remembered him k
icking me. A lot. It had been his favorite hobby. But the kick didn’t seem as strong as it had in my stomach.

  “Can I hold him?” Susan asked.

  I instinctively hugged Liam tighter to my chest. I didn’t want to let him go. It felt like he was exactly where he belonged. I couldn’t even imagine having to leave him tonight.

  Susan put her arms out to take him.

  She was trying. I knew that. She wanted to be a part of Liam’s life. Whatever that may entail. I leaned down and kissed his forehead. “I love you, baby boy. You’re going to come home soon. I promise.” It didn’t matter if my promise was empty. That’s what parents did, right? Fight for their children? And I’d do anything to make my promise true. Anything. I reluctantly placed Liam into Susan’s arms.

  I felt empty as soon as he was gone. Like a part of me was missing. I turned and pressed the side of my face against James’ chest. He held me as I cried. His hand running up and down my back was the most comforting thing in the world. And the smell of his cologne. And the softness of his t-shirt. I remembered all of it.

  “It’s going to be okay,” he said.

  He was the heart of our family. And I’d take his lies any day. I liked that he sheltered me from pain. I loved him for it. But he couldn’t protect me from this, no matter how much I wished that he could. We were going to face all this together. As a team.

  “It’s late,” James said. “We can come back in the morning with Scarlett.”

  “She never goes to sleep without a bedtime story.” The words tumbled out of my mouth and I knew that they were true. “She’s probably giving everyone back home trouble.”

  “Most likely.” He smiled down at me. “She’s going to be excited to see you.”

  “Not that imposter in my place? She could tell. She knew something wasn’t right.”

  “She’s a smart kid.”

  “Like her father.”