Everything I Want

by MacMillan, Jerica

  My eyes widen. “That seems kinda harsh. Don’t you think Eli deserves a chance to get to know his mom?”

  Danny shrugs, his jaw hard. “She’s a party girl and a user. Eli needs stability, at least as much as I can give him. He doesn’t need a master manipulator popping in and out of his life at will and making everything harder for everyone. If, when he’s an adult, he wants to seek her out? That’s his business. I’ll even help him if he asks for it. But for now? As a little kid? He has enough crazy to deal with just touring with us. Ava and I do our best to keep his routines consistent, and to a certain extent the frequent travel is its own routine. But we want—I want—the people in his life to be people he can count on. Nikki, his biological mother, doesn’t fit the bill.”

  Nodding, I digest that, my eyes trained at the bottle in my hands, though I’m not really looking at it. Is that what Sam wants too? Would she prefer that I keep my distance, rather than popping in and out of her life and our daughter’s life all the time?

  “What was your girl’s name? The one you dated in high school?”

  I glance up at Danny. “Samantha. Sam. I always called her Sam.”

  “Sam,” he repeats. And his next words are like he can read my mind. “She probably worries about the same thing. People she can count on. People her daughter can count on. She might not welcome you into her life, into her daughter’s life, unless she knows she can count on you. Are you prepared for that?”

  I open my mouth, but no words come out. Finally, I snap my jaw shut and nod, pushing off the couch to stand. “Yeah.” I force the word out, instilling it with as much confidence as I can muster.

  But the truth is, I don’t know that I am prepared for that.

  Maybe Sam was right not telling me all this time. Maybe I’ll be a shitty dad. Because I have no idea what the fuck I’m getting myself into. But I’ll be damned if I don’t at least insist on meeting my daughter once.

  Chapter Seven

  Samantha

  I blink at the weak winter sunlight filtering in through the crack in my blackout blinds and let out a groan.

  Flopping over onto my back, I pull my thick comforter around my neck and mentally review the horror of the night before.

  My friends surprising me with tickets to a Cataclysm concert for my birthday. With prime seats, front and center so that …

  I could get pulled up on stage and come face to face with Aaron, which led to …

  Aaron pulling me backstage during the intermission, then …

  My friends forcing me to go backstage again after the show, where I talked to Aaron more, he kissed me, and then I spilled the beans I’ve held locked up tight for almost five years. Which brings us to …

  His demand that I text him with a time and place to meet my daughter. His daughter. Our daughter.

  It’s been a long time coming. I know this. But I sort of hoped-slash-wished that I would never bump into Aaron again. Would never give him the opportunity to find out the secret I’ve been keeping from him—for his own good!—for years.

  And now …

  And now I have to face the consequences of choices made a lifetime ago. Maddie’s lifetime, specifically.

  Sitting up, I rub my eyes and grab my phone to check the time. Another unintended groan escapes me. It’s barely eight in the morning. I don’t have my daughter, I was out late, bailed on my friends, and then tossed and turned after getting home and climbing into bed. Today is going to suuuuck. On so many levels.

  I have multiple unread texts staring at me. Several from Kami and Sandra asking me why I left early. They were having fun backstage. I didn’t want to ruin their time. So after Aaron stormed out of his dressing room, I found one of the ubiquitous black-clad people backstage to direct me to the nearest exit, requested an Uber and stood fidgeting next to the doorway so I didn’t have to wait outside in the cold until the car showed it had arrived, constantly glancing over my shoulder, worried that someone would tell me to leave. Or Aaron would come yell at me some more. Or tell me he’d changed his mind and demand I take him to Maddie immediately. Or that Kami and Sandra would find me and wonder what was going on. After the car arrived, I climbed inside, and sent off a group text with shaking fingers telling my friends I wasn’t feeling well and was going home. I blamed my shivering on the cold, unwilling to admit it was from an overload of emotion and stress, and thanked the driver for turning up the heat.

  My friends had no idea what kind of shitshow they unleashed with their surprise. They thought they were getting me the coolest present ever—awesome seats for one of the best bands around and a night out.

  But they have no idea who Maddie’s dad is.

  After I got pregnant and decided to keep the baby, I drifted away from my high school friends. It was easy, since most of them left for college. I cocooned for a while, holing up in my parents’ house, just me and my growing belly. And then just me and my baby. I eventually started going to mommy and me groups, which is where I met Sandra. She has a little boy the same age as Maddie, and we still meet up for playdates every so often. Not as much as we used to after I decided to go to school to become a medical assistant and then I started working full time. But we still text just to chat and moan about parenthood from time to time. Which is mostly me moaning about parenthood. She’s married, so she has a built in person to moan to already.

  Kami works at the family practice with me. She’s in billing, and we met the first day when I got invited to join the group going out for drinks by Kyle, the head MA, who was in charge of my training. The three of us keep up the weekly ritual, but Kami decided my birthday was girls only, so Kyle got left out.

  But I’ve kept my mouth shut about the identity of Maddie’s dad, for the most part. Only saying he was my high school boyfriend and that he wasn’t in the picture and let people think whatever they wanted. Maybe that wasn’t fair to Aaron. But what he didn’t know, couldn’t hurt him, right?

  But now …

  Fuck. This whole thing is an epic mess, and it’s currently in the process of blowing up in my face.

  Staring at my phone, I respond to the group text first, reiterating that I didn’t feel well and just wanted to come home, but thanks for surprising me with the show. I add smiley face emojis and a bunch of exclamation points to cover the fact that it was probably the worst birthday present in history. But they had no way of predicting that.

  Which is my own fault.

  And I’ll have to tell them the truth soon, if Aaron plans on being involved with Maddie’s life. Otherwise, they might find out from somewhere else.

  Oh god. Are we going to end up in the tabloids?

  Swallowing down the sick feeling rising in my throat, I push that thought aside and go to the text from my mom letting me know that Maddie’s up and eating breakfast and ready for me whenever I want to come get her. I contemplate how long it’ll take to eat and shower and make myself feel somewhat human. They’re only five minutes away, which is handy.

  A few months after I got my job, I saved up enough to move Maddie and me into our own apartment. I was happy to let my parents support us at first, but eventually we needed to be more independent. I needed to be more independent. That was why I chose to become an MA in the first place. I could complete a program in less than a year and get a job that pays well enough to support us and provides benefits. Writing can’t provide me with that kind of security.

  My parents still help a ton by picking her up from preschool and watching her in the afternoons while I’m at work, which I’m so thankful for. Daycare is fucking expensive.

  I text back that I’ll be there in an hour. It might not take me that long, but I figure in extra time to brace myself for the conversation I know I’ll have to have with them after telling Aaron about Maddie last night.

  That’s first up in the schedule of suck today.

  Because four and a half years ago I lied to my parents. They’d been hounding me to tell Aaron I was pregnant, so I said that I did. And that he d
idn’t want anything to do with us.

  My parents were livid. And that’s putting it mildly.

  Their shit list isn’t long, and Aaron is the first and last entry.

  So now I get to tell them that I lied. That I never told him. And that he’s back and wants to meet Maddie.

  That’s … not going to go well.

  The last text is from Aaron. A thumbs up in response to the time and address I texted him last night after I got home.

  I agonized over where to meet him the whole way home, finally deciding on a McDonald’s with a play place for a late lunch. Maddie will be over the moon and should be able to entertain herself to some degree while Aaron and I talk. Hopefully it won’t be too crowded on a Saturday in early December.

  If he came here, to my apartment, it would be harder to get Maddie to leave him alone so we can talk. Though he might not want to talk to me …

  It doesn’t matter, though. If he wants to be part of Maddie’s life, I’ll need to lay down some ground rules. We’ll have to talk, at least some.

  My heart stops when my phone comes to life in my hand, but it’s just Kyle. “Hey,” I answer as I throw the covers back and drag myself out of bed, grabbing a hoodie to wrap around myself.

  “Hey, yourself. How was your birthday party?”

  I stop in the middle of my room, my sleep deprived brain analyzing the carefully neutral quality of his voice. “You knew what Kami planned, didn’t you?”

  He sighs. “Yeah. She mentioned that she was taking you to a Cataclysm concert.”

  “And you didn’t try to stop her?” I cringe at the shrillness in my own voice. But seriously. He should’ve done something. He knows why I wouldn’t want to go to a Cataclysm concert. He’s the only one, other than my parents, who knows the truth. I told him all the sordid details last year on my birthday after having a few too many drinks at dinner with him, Kami, and Sandra. He drove me home. Apparently my birthdays have a track record.

  “How? What would you want me to do? Convince her that you’d hate free concert tickets? Or tell her that you wouldn’t want to see your baby daddy on stage?”

  I clench my jaw, trying to come up with something to say. “Still. You should’ve tried.”

  “I actually did, believe it or not. I told her that as a single mom you’d enjoy something like an uninterrupted movie or a spa package and free babysitting a lot more. But Kami already had the tickets.”

  “You could’ve warned me,” I moan, finally moving from my spot in the middle of my room.

  He sighs again. “And risk the rage of Kami? No, thank you. Not even for you, babe.”

  “Fine. As payback, though, you have to listen to me pee. I just got up, and I’m about to explode.”

  He snickers in my ear, and I set the phone on the counter while I take care of my business, ignoring him and knowing he’ll wait till after I’ve washed my hands to pick up the phone again.

  Pressing the phone to my ear, I head to the kitchen. I need caffeine. And food. Especially if I’m going to deal with all the shit on my list today. “I’m back.”

  “So how was the concert? It’s not like she got you backstage passes and you’d have to actually see your ex anyway. I figured you’d be safe.”

  Hysterical laughter bubbles out of me. “Oh my god, you couldn’t be more wrong.”

  “What? What do you mean? What happened?”

  I give him the rundown of getting dragged on stage and serenaded, and then Aaron pulling me backstage after and giving me passes. “Kami didn’t need to get backstage passes,” I splutter out, collapsing in a kitchen chair, still somewhere between laughing and crying. “I got those for us.”

  “Ohhhh shit.”

  “Yeah. Ohhhh shit is right.”

  Sniffing, I wipe my eyes, then gather my feet under me and head to my coffee maker.

  “So you talked to him?”

  “Mmhmm.”

  A long pause. “Did you finally tell him?”

  I set my coffee mug on the counter and close the cabinet door, pressing my forehead against the cheap cool wood and closing my eyes. “Yeah. He kissed me. And wanted to see me again. I had to.”

  Silence. Then, “He kissed you?”

  Moving my head away from the cabinet door, I blink my eyes open. “That’s what you got from that?”

  “Did you kiss him back?”

  I pull the phone away from my face and stare at it for a second, then press it back to my ear. “What? I don’t know. It was like a peck. Why are you fixating on this? Who cares? It’s not like it’s going to happen again. That was before I told him that he has a four-year-old daughter he’s never met. He was pissed. And he wanted me to take him to meet her like right that second.”

  “What? You didn’t, did you? No way should you bring some random angry guy around your daughter at any time of day, but especially in the middle of the night.”

  “Thanks, Mom. I’m so glad I have you to tell me how to parent.”

  “Sorry,” he mutters.

  “And no, I didn’t. Because, as you said, it was the middle of the night. But we’re meeting up this afternoon.”

  “When? I’ll be there.”

  “No, sir, you most definitely will not,” I respond immediately. “This is going to be horrible enough. I’m not sure what to tell Maddie about him. And I still have to tell my mom that I lied about telling him before, that he didn’t actually abandon us, and now he knows and wants to meet his daughter. I have no idea what he wants after that.” My breath leaves me on a wheeze like I’ve just been punched in the solar plexus. Because it’s just occurred to me that he might want custody. And the thought of my daughter going off with anyone else is terrifying. But especially a man she’s never met. Even if he did provide fifty percent of her DNA, she doesn’t know him. And she doesn’t deserve this kind of upheaval in her young life. She’s happy with me, going to preschool, hanging with my parents while I’m working or when I just need a night to myself every so often.

  “Samantha? Samantha!” Kyle’s voice grows sharper in my ear. I blink and suck in air.

  “I’m here.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “No. I’m not okay. I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again.”

  “Hang on. I’ll come over. We can brainstorm options and make a plan so that you know what you want to offer him when you meet him this afternoon. I’ll come along and hang back out of sight. But that way you know I’m there if you need backup.”

  I shake my head. “No. I appreciate that you want to help, but I made this mess. And I have to clean it up. We’re meeting in a public place. I won’t need backup. It’s Aaron. Even if he’s mad, he’s not scary. He just wants to meet his daughter.”

  Kyle’s silent for several long moments. “I don’t like the idea of you meeting him alone.”

  Sighing, I pinch the bridge of my nose with the fingers of my free hand. “It’s not your decision, Kyle. I know you’re just trying to be a good friend, and I know you love Maddie, but I’m her parent. Not you.”

  “Right.” His voice sounds rough. “Sorry. You’re right.” A long pause. “I’ll let you get ready. You know how to reach me if you need anything. Let me know how it goes.”

  I open my mouth to respond, but before I can get any words out, he hangs up. I stare at my phone for a minute, half expecting a text apologizing for hanging up on me. Or some kind of explanation like he’s still irritated that Kami didn’t invite him along last night because she declared it a girls’ night.

  Or maybe he’s mad because I didn’t take him up on his offer to take Maddie and me out to celebrate my birthday since he didn’t get invited to the concert.

  Shaking my head, I set my phone down, pop a slice of bread in the toaster, and finish making my coffee. That was a weird conversation from beginning to end. Just another layer of weird to add to the last fifteen hours.

  Kyle was the first friend I made at the primary care office where we work. He showed me the ropes, let me know all
the doctors’ quirks and preferences, and made sure I had my feet under me before turning me loose. He’s a great friend, and has been there for Maddie and me since the day we met. He actually helped us move into this apartment.

  That was when he met Maddie, and his protective streak turned up several notches after that. When my parents can’t babysit, he’s my backup guy. And she loves it when Uncle Kyle comes to visit or takes us out for dinner. He plays tea party with her and always compliments her frilly tutus that she loves to wear to dress up.

  For her fourth birthday, he got her a boxed set of Fancy Nancy books, a hot pink feather boa, and a plastic pink tiara. When she opened it, she screamed and launched herself at him, more excited for that than anything.

  And while I appreciate that Maddie has people in her life who love and care about her, right now I don’t have time for Kyle’s protective-older-brother routine.

  Right now, I have to focus on unfucking the mess I made five years ago.

  Chapter Eight

  Samantha

  Maddie pops up from her position on my parents’ living room floor where she’s playing with her pony collection when I walk in the front door, a grin splitting her face, her blonde hair flying. She launches herself at me, and I squat down to catch her little body against mine, closing my eyes tight as I give her a big hug. Everything’s going to change today, and I don’t know how. I don’t have a plan. I don’t have information. And I’m terrified. I want to hold her close and not let her go.

  She wraps her arms around my neck and squeezes before saying, “Papa and I are playing with ponies!” Then she pushes away from me and runs back to my dad and her ponies. I stand, watching her, comparing the tilt of her head as she focuses on her ponies to the way Aaron holds himself when he plays the piano. It’s almost identical. The same pose. How did I never notice before?