Everything I Want

by MacMillan, Jerica

  He sets his menu down and gives me a stern look as the hostess leaves. “You have some explaining to do.”

  Wrinkling my nose, I stick out my tongue at him. “Whatever, Dad. I already told you what happened. I told Aaron the truth. He wanted to meet Maddie. We met him for lunch. He asked for a DNA test for confirmation. He wants to see her again in a couple of weeks.”

  I pick up my menu and read it carefully as though we haven’t been here a million times. Whenever it’s been a rough day full of ornery patients, we come here for a drink to unwind after work. Or because of PMS. Or on Fridays just because. This is where I became friends with Kyle and Kami and the rest of the office staff. The doctors don’t usually join us, but every once in a while Dr. Davis, the newest and youngest addition to the practice, will come out on a Friday. He’s new to the area, and I think he’s still trying to find his footing.

  Kyle’s big hand splats in the middle of my menu. “Don’t even pretend like you’re going to order something different than usual. Cut the crap and talk to me.”

  Sighing, I let the plastic covered-paper fall to the table. “What do you want to know? There’s not much more to tell. He’s gone for now. He still has two weeks left of this leg of the tour. He’ll be back just before Christmas.”

  “Is that going to mess up your Christmas plans?”

  I throw up my hands. “No. Maybe. How the hell should I know? We haven’t talked since lunch the other day. I would imagine he’ll be busy on Christmas Day with his own family like I’ll be with mine. We’ll work it out.”

  I say the words with more conviction than I feel. Because at this point, Aaron is a loose cannon. I have no idea when I’ll hear from him next. Will he check in, wondering how Maddie’s doing in the meantime? Does he want me to tell her about him before he sees her again? Does he want to tell her himself? How do you tell a four-year-old that the random guy she met is actually her dad? I have a million questions and zero answers. And I can’t just call up Aaron and ask his advice. He knows less about this than I do. I at least have a few years of parenting experience under my belt. He has none. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

  And I’m the reason why.

  Yet another reason I can’t reach out to him. He can’t be my support system.

  Kyle wants to be, but he’s clueless too. My parents are awesome, but since they now know I lied to them about Aaron when I was pregnant, I’m not sure how much sympathy I’ll get there.

  And right now I just want someone to be on my side. Not try to make me feel awful for things I can’t change. Or pressure me to plot out a course of action when I don’t have all the information.

  I need more information before I can make any decisions.

  Kyle gives me a sympathetic look, apparently recognizing my inner turmoil and letting me stew in silence for a minute. The waitress asks if we’re ready, and he orders our usual—beer for him, white wine for me, and a basket of steak fries to share. Yeah, we’re keeping it classy.

  “Look,” he says when the waitress is gone, “I get that you don’t really want to talk about this. That you’re still processing. I just want you to know that I’m here when you’re ready, okay?” He reaches across the table and squeezes my hand, not letting it go as he continues. “Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”

  I flip my hand over and squeeze his back, giving him a small smile before releasing it. “Thank you, Kyle. That means a lot.”

  He leaves his hand on the table, giving me a long look. His mouth opens like he’s about to say something, but the waitress comes back with our drinks and fries right at that moment. When she leaves, I give him an expectant look, but the moment must’ve passed, because he starts talking about some frustrating thing one of the doctors did today.

  I make sympathetic noises, but I’m a million miles away. As much as I appreciate Kyle playing the role of overprotective older brother, I don’t think I need it in this instance. Right now I just want to get back to Maddie. Hug her and hold her close for the evening, then try to pick my way through all the threads of my feelings about the return of Aaron into my life and what that’ll mean for Maddie and me long term.

  Alone.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Aaron

  This isn’t the first time I’ve been beyond ready to be done with a tour. When the thought of touring for any longer feels akin to having a root canal with no anesthetic.

  It’s always been because the grind has gone on too long before, though.

  This time we really haven’t been on the road very long. A few months. And we have an extended break coming up. This should feel like a needed rest, but not something you have to drag yourself across the finish line for.

  But I’ve never had a four-year-old and an ex I never really got over waiting for me on the other side before either.

  So I drag myself from one day to the next, from one venue to the next, going through the motions more than anything. I stare at my phone, hoping to hear from Sam, wanting to reach out, but not sure how that would be received.

  And then there’s the whole tangled mess about her keeping my daughter from me for four plus years …

  When I just think about Sam, I want to text her. Call and talk to her. Hear her voice. Listen to her laugh.

  But when I think about Maddie, my heart shrivels in my chest, and I don’t know what to do with myself. I told Sam I’d text her to figure out our next visit. But without having a solid idea of my schedule, I decide it’s best to wait until I’m back in town and know what’s what.

  Blaire keeps giving me concerned looks when she thinks I’m not paying attention. And she’s invited me to her room more often than normal, even going so far as to offer to just talk and nothing else. While we’re friends, we don’t spend a lot of time in deep conversation. She typically tries to split her time pretty evenly between Mason and me from some idea that one or the other of us might get jealous. Or maybe she’s afraid she’ll get too bored with one guy for too long? Who knows?

  I don’t usually question our arrangement too deeply.

  But I’m too tangled up in my own head to be in the mood. Sort of.

  Blaire came to my room a few nights after I met Maddie and we started kissing. But I kept picturing Sam. And I’m not enough of a dick to picture one girl while I’m with another.

  It’s clear she’s concerned about me, though. And the only reason she hasn’t insisted I talk to her is because I’ve been spending more and more time with Danny and Ava and Eli between shows. And I know Blaire’s been pumping Ava for information on my mental state, because Ava’s mentioned it more than once.

  Including tonight, when I show up at their room after the sound check at the last venue before our break starts.

  She opens the door with a smile. “Hey, come on in. I wondered if you’d stop by tonight. Blaire was asking me about you again today.”

  “Oh yeah?” I give her a brief smile as I pass. “What’d you tell her?”

  She shrugs, closing the door behind me. “Not much. Just that you’d been hanging out here, talking to Danny and playing with Eli a lot. I assume to get as much kid experience in while you can before you’re faced with your own?”

  I spread my hands before stuffing them in my pockets. “Guilty as charged. I’ve never spent much time with kids. I don’t know what to do with them.”

  “You’re doing fine. You just engage with them on their level. Eli’s younger than your daughter, but from what you’ve told us about your limited interaction with her, she’s open and friendly. You’ll be just fine. Get down on the floor like you do with Eli, let her show you the things she likes, what’s important to her. Act like it’s important to you, too. Or at least appreciate that it matters to her. You can do it.”

  Flopping onto a couch, I sigh. “Yeah, that part’s easy enough. It’s the other things, though. The parenting part. I don’t have the first clue about anything.”

  She shrugs, giving me a smile as she slides into her own seat, her hands resting on the s
well of her belly. “No one does. Trust me. You think Danny knows what he’s doing half the time?” She shakes her head.

  A squeal disrupts us, and Eli runs into the room, a streak of naked little boy launching himself onto the couch with Ava and throwing his arms around her. He gives her a big hug and a smacking kiss on the cheek.

  Laughing, she squeezes him back. “Where are your clothes?”

  “He escaped before I could get him into them,” says Danny from over her shoulder.

  “Don’t want clothes!” shouts Eli, scrambling away from Ava and hightailing it to me and shouting my name, though it sounds more like A-won when he says it.

  He bounces onto the couch, burrowing into my side. “No clothes!” he shouts again.

  Danny collapses onto the couch next to Ava, setting the diaper and footie PJs next to him, shaking his head. “If you pee on the couch, you’re in trouble, do you hear me?”

  “Shush,” Ava scolds him. “We want him to want to use the potty, remember? Go get the little potty to have it available.”

  With a sigh, Danny leans over and kisses Ava on the lips before standing and leaving the room again.

  Eli peeks out from behind my arm, watching his dad walk away. Then he settles in next to me, still leaning against me, but no longer trying to fit into the nonexistent space between my back and the cushion behind me.

  He’s got his hands between his legs, and when he shifts his position it’s clear that he’s been playing with himself.

  I choke on a laugh, and Ava gives me a discreet shake of the head to tell me not to mention it.

  But Eli pays attention, and he looks from his tiny dick—well, not so tiny at the moment—to my face, his own beaming. “It’s big!” he shouts.

  And I can’t help my laugh, covering my mouth with my hand. “Holy sh—crap. I didn’t know babies could get boners.”

  Ava rolls her eyes and shakes her head again, this time in affectionate exasperation, a smile turning up the corners of her mouth. “Right? I didn’t really either until I spent so much time with Eli. It happens a lot. He complains about it if he’s wearing a diaper. Which is probably why he doesn’t want to get dressed right now, honestly.” She looks at Eli. “Stop touching it, and it’ll get smaller,” she tells him.

  I stifle another laugh, shaking my head.

  Eli just beams with pride at everyone, including Danny who’s returned with the little potty and set it on the floor. “It’s big!” he repeats, inordinately pleased with himself.

  Danny just shakes his head at his offspring.

  Ava gives a shrug. “The male obsession with making sure their penises are still there apparently starts early,” she comments with a sense of fatalism as she shifts to lean against Danny in a pose of coupled bliss. With his arm around her, he settles his hand on her belly, the picture of a man content with life.

  Jealousy and a pang of longing shoot through me, and I look away, redirecting my attention to the tiny masturbator next to me in an attempt to distract myself. This happens every time I spend time with them. Well, not sitting next to a naked two year old playing with himself. But the feeling of missing out on something important.

  I could’ve sat with Sam like that while she had a tiny baby bump. I could’ve helped with bath time and bedtime and nap time and whatever other times need helping with for the last four years.

  But I was robbed of the chance.

  Not even offered the opportunity.

  And there’s the real reason that I won’t text Sam.

  I’m afraid she thinks I’m not enough. That I’ve never been enough. And no matter how successful I am or how much money I make, I still won’t be enough for her.

  She wouldn’t trust me with the biggest decision of her life. Of my life. And that was when we were together. Had been together for a year. We were young, but we were in love. Even now, all these years later, I know that’s what it was.

  The truth is, I haven’t felt even a fraction of what I felt for her for anyone else since her.

  I would’ve stayed. Would’ve been there for her. Would’ve figured something out.

  But she didn’t want me.

  And that’s what stings the most.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Samantha

  The two weeks waiting for Aaron pass with me cranky and on edge. I try not to take it out on Maddie, but I know I’m snappier than usual at work.

  Largely because when the two weeks have passed and I still haven’t heard from Aaron, Kami corners me in the back of the office where I’m finishing up some paperwork.

  She pulls my chair back and inserts herself between me and the desk. “Girl, what is your deal?”

  With a sigh, I try to scoot forward and reach around her. “Kami, I really need to finish this so I can go.”

  She makes a buzzer sound and catches my chair with her foot. “Try again. You’ve been snappier by the day. And it’s gone on too long to just be PMS. So spill. I know you had some super-secret after-work thing with Kyle a couple of weeks ago. Did he make a move on you and you shot him down? Is that why you’re so tense? Or did you tell him you’d think about it and you can’t decide how to tell him no without ruining your friendship?”

  I gape at her, totally thrown by that question. It’s so far off base from what’s actually bothering me that I just start laughing.

  She stares at me, one eyebrow arched, and waits. When my hilarity dies down, the other eyebrow wings up. “Are you done?”

  I make a show of wiping the corners of my eyes and fanning my face. “Thanks, Kami. I needed that laugh.” Grabbing the desk, I try to pull myself closer, but she stops me again.

  “Nice try. You didn’t answer the question, though.”

  Rolling my eyes, I shake my head. “No. Kyle didn’t make a move. That’s ridiculous anyway. Kyle and I are just friends. He’s not interested in me.”

  “Mmmhmm. You keep telling yourself that.” I roll my eyes again, but arguing will just make it look like she’s on the right track. A lady doth protest too much kind of situation, so I don’t say anything, taking advantage of the fact that she’s moved her foot so I can scoot my chair toward the desk again.

  “I really need to finish this paperwork …”

  “Nope. Kyle’s been acting weird too, by the way, and giving you long, searching looks when you’re not paying attention. I mean, he always kind of gives you long looks, but these are different. Anyway. Something’s up, and if it’s not him, then I want to know what it is. If you really want to get out of here sooner rather than later, tell me what I want to know, and I’ll get out of your way. It’s faster if you give in. I promise.”

  Sighing, I close my eyes and rub the bridge of my nose. Much as I hate to admit it, she’s right. It will be faster just to give in. Kami’s like a dog with a bone when she gets set on something. I don’t want to give her alllll the gory details, though. That would definitely not make this conversation end sooner rather than later. So I sum it up as briefly as possible. “I bumped into Maddie’s dad a recently. And now he wants to be involved. He had to be out of town for a couple of weeks and said he’d text to make plans when he got back. He should be back by now, and I haven’t heard from him, and it’s making me twitchy.”

  Kami’s eyes widen, and she sinks onto the desk, her perky little butt landing perilously close to my stack of completed paperwork. If she moves two inches to her right, she’ll knock the whole stack off and it’ll take me even longer to finish. “Whoa, girl. That’s some heavy shit. And you’ve been dealing with this all on your own? Why didn’t you say anything? I would’ve taken you out for a drink. Or ice cream. Or boozy ice cream.”

  “I’m fine, really,” I say quickly, trying to scoot closer so I can get to the stack of papers in peril. “Can you please move?” She inches to her right, and I shoot out of my chair to grab her arms. “No! Never mind. Don’t move. Let me move you.” Carefully, I steer her the other direction, move the papers I’ve yet to finish to the center, and let her pl
op her butt in their recently-vacated place.

  When I settle back in my chair, she gestures to herself and then my desk. “Are we all arranged to your satisfaction now?”

  “Not really. I’d prefer if you relocated to your desk and left me to my work, but somehow I don’t think that’s happening any time soon”—I level a glare at her—“despite your promise that this conversation would be over faster if I just told you what was going on. I’ve told you, now can I finish my work?”

  She makes a dismissive sound and shakes her head. “That’s so cute that you think this conversation is over. Yes, I said it would end sooner if you just gave in, but you should know by now that doesn’t necessarily mean soon.” She graces me with a winning smile. I scowl in return.

  “Seriously, Kami. Can we talk about this after I finish? Don’t you have things to finish up yourself?”

  She studies me for a moment, not answering right away. “Kyle knows, doesn’t he? You told him, and that’s why he’s acting weird about you. I asked him, by the way, and he told me to mind my own business. You haven’t told me much about Maddie’s dad. Just that he isn’t in the picture. So I’m not sure if he’s an asshole or was in the military or working on a fishing boat in the North Sea or what.”

  “It’s … complicated.” I glance over my shoulder at the other office staff still finishing up, the doctor chatting with another medical assistant, a nurse escorting a patient to the exit. The usual end-of-day tasks. But there are too many people around for me to talk about anything this personal. Especially given who Aaron is now. Refocusing on Kami, I give her a pleading look. “I know you want to help. But right now, the best way to help is to let me finish my work. I promise I’ll tell you more later.”

  “Fine. But I’m going to be waiting for you to finish. And then we’re going to go somewhere to talk.” She wiggles a finger at me. “You’ve been holding out on me.”