I won’t. Right now. Because Sam’s still awake …
Or is she?
Her soft breathing is deep and rhythmic, and if she’s not all the way asleep yet, she will be in a matter of seconds.
Sooner than I expect, my own eyelids get heavy, and the fact that Netflix has long ago gone to the Are you still watching? screen and I’ve made no move to select yes or no should be a sign that I’m about to drift off to sleep too. Carefully so as not to disturb anyone, I shift around so I can put my legs up on the couch. Thankfully Sam likes deep, plush furniture, because there’s just enough room for me to put my feet up, ankles crossed on the outside, hemming in both Maddie and Sam. Adjusting the pillow by my face, I settle in, close my eyes, and fall asleep to the sound of the soft snores of my daughter that sound like she’s purring and the rhythmic breathing of the mother of my child.
A month or two ago I would never have imagined something like this would ever happen for me. But now you couldn’t pay me enough money to be anywhere else.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Samantha
I wake up to Maddie fussing in her sleep. Lifting my head, I wince at the crick in my neck from sleeping awkwardly on the couch, unable to move. And my arm didn’t wake up with the rest of my body.
“Hey, hey. Shhh.” The deep voice trying to comfort Maddie throws me for a second, and I blink to find Aaron curling his arm around her. “Daddy’s here.”
Maddie opens her eyes, her brows scrunched together as she blinks up at Aaron. She looks around, spots me, and then relaxes back against Aaron, eyes closed, her breathing quickly evening out as she goes back to sleep.
I push myself up to sitting and stretch my arms overhead, my right hand tingling with pins and needles, clearing my throat when I catch Aaron staring at my chest.
He quickly jerks his head down, focusing again on Maddie.
“She has bad dreams when she gets sick,” I tell him. He nods, his face still turned away from me. I bite back a smile that comes unbidden. “What time is it?”
He doesn’t hesitate to reach for his phone, making me think he’s grateful that I’m not calling him on his ogling. “A little after two.” His voice is raspy with sleep, adding to the overall appeal of the hot guy doting on his sick daughter and taking care of us.
I force myself to shake it off, though. He’s not here for me. He just wants to make up for lost time with Maddie. And really, if he’s going to step up and be a real dad, even if it’s only when he’s on breaks from touring for a little while, he’s eventually going to be the one taking care of her when she’s sick. This is good practice, especially with me here to help him.
And the thought of him taking our daughter somewhere, of her being sick without me, doesn’t turn my stomach at all. Nope. I must just be coming down with whatever Maddie has.
Wait. No. I don’t want that to be what’s happening either.
It’s …
Fuck. I can’t even lie to myself effectively anymore. You’d think after all the years of telling myself I made the right decision with leaving Aaron out of the picture I’d be better at it by now, but having him here is making me doubt that decision more and more. Stripping away all my arguments and defenses.
I screwed up. I shouldn’t have lied to him and pushed him away.
Blinking away tears, I look at him, at the pure adoration on his face as he stares at our sleeping daughter.
I robbed them both of this. “I’m sorry,” I blurt out, my voice thick with sleep and tears.
He looks at me, confusion stamped on his face.
I gesture at the two of them. “For not telling you about her. For not telling you I changed my mind. I thought I was doing the right thing, letting you have your life, not ruining your future. But …” I bite my lip and take a shuddery breath, grateful that he’s not interrupting me. “I was wrong. I shouldn’t have kept her from you. Or you from her. I was being selfish and scared and …” I lift my hands and flop them in my lap. “I’m really, really sorry,” I finish on a whisper.
He studies me for a long moment, and I hold my breath, worried he’s going to unleash his anger but hoping that he’ll accept my apology. The fact that Maddie’s asleep means he won’t yell at me or raise his voice, but cold fury is worse, I think, than fiery anger that burns bright but runs out of fuel quickly. Maybe I should’ve waited until we were alone to make my apology, like when we meet to discuss the details of our arrangement. Because that needs to happen soon. As soon as Maddie’s better, we need to schedule a time to sit down. Make an appointment with the mediator he keeps mentioning. He deserves at least that much from me.
Maddie deserves it too. Because I haven’t been fair to her either. Seeing the two of them together like this makes it more than obvious that I’ve deprived her of having her dad. As awesome as my dad is, he’s not an adequate substitute. Especially when her dad so obviously wants to be part of her life.
He draws in a deep breath, only breaking eye contact to look down at Maddie, whose little head rises and falls with his breathing. Then he meets my eyes again. “Thank you,” he says quietly.
My breath leaves me in a rush, and I feel lightheaded with relief. “Thank you? That’s all you want to say? You’re not …” I hesitate, but push through. “You’re not mad?”
He lifts one shoulder, one corner of his mouth raising as well. “I was. Maybe I still should be.” Is that affection in his eyes? He takes another deep breath and looks away, giving me his profile and shaking his head slowly like he’s trying to process his own feelings. “I’ll be honest, it still burns that I’ve missed out on so much.” He faces me again. “But I appreciate that you’re making an effort to make it right. You could’ve continued to keep her from me. Even seeing you again at the concert a few weeks ago, you could’ve just kept your mouth shut. I never would’ve known. You could’ve told me you’re married or dating seriously. I would’ve left you alone and let you go again, and I’d be in LA killing time until the next leg of the tour.”
My breath catches. “Do you wish I’d done that?”
“No.” The denial is quick, no hesitation. “No. God, no. Never. I wish you would’ve told me when you changed your mind. When you decided to have the baby. I would’ve been there for you.”
“But then you would’ve missed out on everything you have now.”
He lifts his shoulder again. “So? Maybe I’d still have you.”
My heart stops at his words, then starts again double time as though to make up for the missed beat. My mouth opens, but no words come out. I don’t know how to respond.
While I do my best fish imitation, my mouth opening and closing soundlessly, he looks down at Maddie. “We should get her into bed.”
“Uhhh,” is all I can come up with.
“I know you said you didn’t want to change sheets in the middle of the night, but we can put one of the towels under her or something. Maybe that would be enough.”
“Okay,” I agree stupidly.
Gently he scoops her up in his arms and heads for the hall. I grab towels and the blanket and follow behind him.
“Um, just take her to my room,” I tell him when he pushes the door to her bedroom open with a foot. “She doesn’t usually make it all night in her own bed anyway. When she’s sick, there’s not a chance. Plus, if she does throw up again, I’ll be right there. She won’t have to come find me covered in puke.”
He nods once and continues to my bedroom. He stands at the foot of the bed, waiting for me to pull back the blankets on one side and spread out the towels, then he gently deposits her on the bed, tucking the blanket from the couch under her chin. She makes a quiet sleepy sound and turns onto her side, cuddling into the blanket. I can’t help smiling at her, and when I look up, Aaron has the same soft smile on his face too.
“I’ll tuck you in too,” he says.
“Oh, uh,” I’m still speechless in the face of this man who just told me he wishes he still had me. That we were still together. Th
at’s what that meant, right? Or am I just delusional since it’s the wee hours of the morning and I’ve been taking care of a sick child for hours in a haze of puke and laundry and Barbie cartoons?
He walks around to my side of the bed and pulls back the covers, looking at me expectantly until I climb in, then tucking the blankets around me just like he did to Maddie. “Get some rest,” he murmurs. “I’ll be back in the morning.”
Before he can leave, before I can think better of it, my hand darts out almost on its own, catching his wrist. “Stay.”
He looks down at my hand wrapped around his forearm then up at my face. Even in the low light of my bedroom, the naked vulnerability on his face is unmistakable. “You sure?”
I nod. “Yes.” It’s a hoarse whisper, all I can manage. I can’t name exactly why, mostly because I won’t allow myself the mental space to examine my feelings, but all I know is that I don’t want him to go.
He looks at the door then back at me. “Okay. Tell me where the spare blankets are. I’ll sleep on the couch.”
“Want Daddy,” comes Maddie’s sleepy voice from the other side of the bed, and we both freeze.
He stares at me. “Did she just call me Daddy?” he whispers.
Maddie sits up. “Need water.”
Maybe we both misheard her? But no, because next she says, “Mommy, can I have water please? Daddy, sleep here.” And she pats the bed next to her with her little hand.
Aaron’s staring at me, his expression torn. Over the moon about being called Daddy, being wanted by his daughter, but clearly unsure about whether or not it’s okay for him to climb into my bed.
Standing, I release his arm and nod. “Go,” I tell him. “She wants you. It’s okay for you to stay.” To be honest, I wasn’t thrilled about him sleeping on the couch by himself, even if that makes the most sense. But Maddie has no qualms about asking for what she wants. No sense of what she should or shouldn’t want.
Because no matter what Aaron might have said, just because he might’ve wanted a relationship with both of us if I’d told him the truth a hundred years ago, that doesn’t mean he wants that now.
Even if I still do.
The reality is, though, that what I want doesn’t matter nearly as much as what’s best for Maddie at this point. And right now I need to get her a drink of water. Next up will be working out a real custody agreement and visitation schedule.
That’s what’s best for everyone.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Aaron
The morning sunshine filtering through the curtains wakes me up to a warm body pressed against my morning wood. A grown woman’s body, her luscious ass cradled in my lap, my arm wrapped around her middle.
Lifting my head, I marvel at the fact that Sam’s cuddled against me, asleep. I’m not sure how this happened, but sometime between stripping down to my boxer briefs and climbing in bed with my daughter as a buffer between Sam and me, we got all shifted around so Sam’s in the middle, one of her arms over Maddie, and one of my arms over her.
I feel like I should probably withdraw slowly, so as not to wake them up, and at least put my jeans on. At the very least, pull my hips away from her rather than grinding my hard-on against her ass like I really want to.
But I don’t do either of those things. I remain frozen in this moment. I could really get used to waking up like this. Even though the first half of the night was spent sleeping sitting up on a couch, and then I was awake for a while at two in the morning, I feel like I’ve gotten the best sleep of my life.
And I don’t want to move from this spot. Don’t want to break the moment. Don’t want to risk either of them waking up.
Because I know that as soon as she does, Sam will pull away from me. Withdraw. Hide behind Maddie.
I surprised her last night with my comment about still having her if she’d told me about Maddie from the beginning. To be fair, she surprised me with her apology. I was already well on my way to forgiving her for keeping Maddie from me. The obviously unplanned and unrehearsed apology clinched it.
Who knows what our lives would look like if she’d told me the truth when she decided not to terminate the pregnancy? Different, that’s for sure.
But maybe I still would’ve auditioned for Cataclysm. They splashed the audition notice everywhere. Maybe I still would’ve gone to Juilliard for a little while. Sam always encouraged me to pursue my dreams, just like she was doing. She was so proud of me when I got accepted. So happy for me, not even letting me consider attending Virginia with her, even though it meant we’d be six hours apart.
Knowing she was still in Pennsylvania that whole time, only a few hours away. I could’ve come home every weekend. I could’ve made it work, even if we decided I should still go to school.
With a sigh, I let that go. Let go of all the what ifs and could’ve beens. None of that is possible. And dwelling on it doesn’t help anyone.
Now I know about my daughter—and I wasn’t blowing smoke when I told Sam I was grateful she finally told me. She’d kept Maddie from me for this long. It would’ve been easy to keep the secret for even longer. I’m so glad she didn’t, though, even if I don’t quite understand why she told me. She clearly didn’t expect anything from me, and every time I’ve tried to bring up child support, she dismisses the idea and changes the subject.
Soon we’ll have to have a real conversation about it, though. My time here has an end date. For now. I’m planning on coming back, but we need to make some decisions about everything before I leave. I don’t want to leave things hanging while I’m on the road.
My phone vibrates on the side table, and I turn over to grab it. There’s a text from Blaire, as though the direction of my thoughts has summoned contact from her. How’s the kid?
Good. She’s got a stomach bug right now. But we’re getting to know each other, and she started calling me Daddy. My smile is irrepressible as I remember that word crossing her lips for the first time last night. A warm glow fills my chest. She’s not calling me by my first name anymore.
Congrats, Blaire texts back, and I frown at how flippant that comes across. But then, Blaire doesn’t have a kid. No nieces or nephews either, from what I know. I think she might have a sister, but she avoids mentioning her family in general. I’ve never pushed. If she doesn’t want to talk about it, then I’m not going to force her.
And even if she’s willing to play with Danny’s son, it doesn’t mean she really gets the significance of that.
Me: Thanks.
Blaire: So Danny and Ava decided to get married now instead of waiting till after the baby’s born. I’m in charge of rounding everyone up. The wedding will be in Massachusetts two weeks from today.
I detach myself from Sam and sit up, scrubbing a hand over my face. Okay.
She sends me the address, and apparently she’s discharged her duties. I frown at my phone for another minute, because that was an uncharacteristic exchange with Blaire.
“Everything okay?” Sam’s sleepy voice asks from the bed next to me.
The overwhelming urge to bend down and brush a kiss across her lips seizes me. I push it aside. We might’ve accidentally cuddled in our sleep last night, but that doesn’t mean she wants me to kiss her.
“Yeah. Everything’s fine. My bandmate Danny and his fiancée decided to get married in two weeks, so Blaire was texting me the details.”
She sits up too, careful not to disturb a still-sleeping Maddie. “Oh? So you have to be out of town that weekend?” Her brows are furrowed like she’s troubled by the idea of me being away.
That shouldn’t make me happy.
But it does.
“I guess so.”
Looking down, her brows still furrowed, she nods to herself. “Okay.”
“Is that a problem?”
Her head jerks up, her brow finally smoothing out and her hair flying as she shakes her head. “No. No, of course not. I just was expecting you to be here until it was time for you to go back on tour again.
But your friend’s getting married. Of course you should go. Where?”
“Massachusetts.”
“Oh. Cool. That’s not super far away.”
“No. Just a few hours. I’ll be gone overnight at the most.”
She nods, biting her lip, her face closed and withdrawn.
And just like that, the bubble of possibility that we’ve been in since her apology last night bursts. I want to invite her to come with me, but I know she’ll say no if I ask right now.
So I clear my throat and stand, grabbing my jeans from the floor and dragging them on without looking at her.
But when I turn back, her eyes are roaming my bare chest, and if I’m not mistaken, that’s a look of pure desire stamped on her face.
She flinches when she catches me watching her, looking down then looking at Maddie, her cheeks turning pink.
Huh. Interesting.
I file that bit of information away and clear my throat again.
“I’m, um …” I scratch my three-day beard and run my hand through my hair. “I’m going to go home and shower. Shave. I can run by the store again on my way back. Anything you want me to pick up?”
She chews on her lip, her eyes steadfastly focused on the bed. “Popsicles? I want to get some calories into her. Plus the hydration will do her good. And she’s more likely to go for a popsicle than anything else at this point.”
“She didn’t throw up again last night.”
Sam sighs in relief and nods. “I know. Fingers crossed she’s over the worst of it. But even if she’s done throwing up, we’ll just be staying home and watching movies all day.” She finally looks at me. “You don’t have to hang out with us if you don’t want to. Kids’ shows aren’t that exciting.”
“I wouldn’t dream of missing it.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
Samantha
“No puke today,” Aaron says quietly from his place on the couch as I come out from putting Maddie to bed. “And she seemed to perk up a bit this afternoon. Think she’s out of the woods?”
Everything I Want Page 14
