I collapse next to him on the couch. “Looks like it. She didn’t eat a lot today, but what she ate stayed down. The popsicles were a hit. Thank you for getting those.” I let her have three, the last two after convincing her to eat some noodles for lunch and soup for dinner. I thought she might turn up her nose at the soup since she threw it up just yesterday, but the promise of another popsicle was enough to overcome her objections.
Aaron grins. “No problem. I didn’t expect her to suck those things down as fast as she did.”
“Yeah.” I can’t help returning his grin. “She loves popsicles, but I don’t get them a lot in the winter. And even in the summer, when I keep them stocked in the freezer, she usually only gets like one a day at the most.”
“Man. Poor kid. You’re stingy with the popsicles.”
I laugh. “Yup. I’m just a mean ol’ mom. I won’t let her eat unlimited amounts of treats.” I heave a dramatic sigh. “I’m already saving up for her therapy bills.”
His hand skates across the space between us to stroke the back of my hand where it rests next to me on the couch. It’s a simple touch, brief, over almost before I can register it, but it makes my skin tingle and a wave of goosebumps ripple up my arm. The smile fades from his face. “You’re a good mom.”
“Thanks.” I blink at the unexpected compliment. “I do my best.”
He nods, his fingertips tracing the back of my index finger again. “It shows. She’s a great kid. She’s lucky to have you as a mom.”
I suck in a breath, not sure what to say or how to react except to stare at where his fingers dance over the back of my hand. They slide up to circle my wrist, and he lifts my hand to tug me closer to him.
Wordless, I let him pull me across the couch until I’m close to him. He releases my wrist and wraps his arm around me, releasing a contented sigh as he tucks me into his side.
This is … unexpected. And I don’t know what to do with my hand. Do I put it on his torso? His leg? Hold it tightly against my body?
That seems like a strange choice, so I finally settle on tentatively placing it on his abs. He lets out a low rumbly sound, like a big cat purring in pleasure. “I’ve wanted to do this since we all fell asleep on the couch last night,” he whispers.
I lift my head to look at his face. “Really?”
He nods, pillowing his head on his free hand and closing his eyes. “Mmhmm. You were both cuddled against me, and I wanted to put my arm around you. But I didn’t know if you’d like it, and you were sleeping so I couldn’t exactly ask. Then I woke up with you in my arms this morning, so I thought …”
That has me sitting up. “What?”
He cracks an eyelid and looks at me, a smile tugging at his lips. “You didn’t notice that you were in the middle instead of Maddie?”
I chew on my lip, heat suffusing my face. “I did. But she flops back and forth all night long. She doesn’t stay on one side of me, so I knew that was a possibility when you climbed into bed with us. Me ending up in the middle, I mean. Not cuddling with you in my sleep.” I narrow my eyes at him. “You sure that wasn’t you?”
His grin breaks free, completely unrepentant. “I don’t know. I was asleep. But sleeping you didn’t seem to object.” He pulls his hand out from behind his head and brushes a strand of hair out of my face, moving it behind my ear.
And I suddenly realize how close our faces are like this. How easily it would be to close the distance between our mouths.
In fact, he brings his face closer to mine right now, his eyes darting back and forth between mine, dark and fathomless in the soft lamplight in my living room. “Does awake you not like when I hold you anymore? I kissed you when you came backstage. I don’t remember you having any objections.”
His voice is quiet, barely above a whisper, and his words mesmerize me. Did he learn hypnosis in the years we’ve been apart? Because I feel frozen, unable to move as he brings his face to mine, his lips brushing across mine in the softest kiss ever.
He pulls back, examining me again. But I still can’t breathe. Can’t move.
Or don’t want to.
Waiting. For whatever he does next.
This time he nips at my bottom lip, and my mouth opens on a gasp, breath rushing in. His mouth follows close behind, his tongue sliding between my parted lips, his fingers sliding into my hair and holding me still for his kiss.
And oh, what a kiss it is.
It’s been … five years since I’ve been kissed like this. Not since him.
I’ve barely dated, telling everyone that I was too busy as a single mom, putting myself through school to become a medical assistant then working full time. I was tired. Busy. And dating apps suck. I didn’t want to risk Maddie accidentally seeing the unsolicited dick pics that are a guaranteed part of the online dating world. Didn’t want to deal with figuring out if I should introduce a guy to her only to have him leave again in a matter of weeks or even months. Didn’t want to risk her getting attached and then having her heart broken, even if mine wasn’t.
A long list of excuses, but none of them included the real reason I never bothered to date.
The real reason is that I never got over Aaron. My heart couldn’t be broken by some random guy on Tinder because it already broke when I let Aaron go.
And now …
Now I’m terrified of letting him in only to have my heart broken again when he inevitably leaves.
I break the kiss, pulling back, my breath coming hard and fast, but from panic instead of arousal. I stand, putting as much distance between us as possible, shaking my head when he follows me, rising to his feet as well.
Hands reaching for me like he’s trying to calm me down. “Hey, hey, it’s okay. I’m sorry. I thought—shit. I don’t know. I miss you. And waking up with you this morning, spending the last twenty-four hours with you …” He drops his hands when I take two steps back, maintaining the distance between us, my hand over my mouth, still shaking my head. “I’m sorry, Sam. I won’t do it again, I promise. I didn’t mean to freak you out.”
I close my eyes, hating that he looks so torn up. Because of me. Again. “No, no. It’s … don’t be sorry. I’m sorry. I just …”
“Sam, it’s me. Just talk to me.”
I open my eyes. “You’re leaving. Again. In not very long.”
His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. “Yeah. I am.” His voice is hoarse.
“I don’t think I can get involved with you again knowing you’ll only be here a few weeks longer.” I close my eyes again, unable to keep looking at him. “I barely managed to let you go last time. And I was only able to because I thought I was doing the right thing. I don’t think I can do it again.”
I hear him take a breath like he wants to say something, maybe to argue with me or contradict me, but when I force myself to open my eyes, his mouth is closed and he’s just looking at me, hands on his hips, his brows drawn together. “Okay,” he says at last. “I’m sorry.”
“Me too.”
It’s Wednesday evening and Maddie’s all better, so she and Aaron are getting their rescheduled Daddy-daughter time.
After the kiss on Saturday night, I was worried things might be awkward with Aaron, but we seem to have an unspoken agreement to pretend like it didn’t happen. Fortunately, neither of us have gotten whatever bug took Maddie out this weekend.
And now I’m having my long-awaited night alone. I have junk food and a movie queued up and a glass of wine. But something feels … off.
It’s too quiet, and even starting up the movie doesn’t make it any better.
I miss Maddie. And I miss Aaron. I force myself to keep watching the movie, but by the halfway point, I have no idea what’s going on, because I keep picking up my phone to see if Aaron’s called or texted. Or to stare at his name on my screen debating whether or not to call him.
But no. This is supposed to be their special time. I need to let them have it.
Instead I hit Kami’s name.
An
d deflate when she doesn’t pick up and all I get is her voicemail. “Hey, Kami. It’s Samantha. Just wondering if you wanted to hang out for a while tonight. I’m around, so … call or text if you can. Bye.”
In case she wants to go out, I go to my room and change into skinny jeans and a cute top, fixing my hair and makeup so it looks more appropriate for a night out with my friend and less like an overtired, overworked mombie.
When I’m done, there’s a text from Kami saying she’s got plans tonight with a bunch of cry face emojis and demands for a raincheck.
Sighing, I contemplate texting Kyle to see if he’s available. But something about that just feels … wrong.
I sink onto my couch and think through my options. I could go out by myself … but being surrounded by strangers sounds more lonely than staying home. Disappointed and directionless, I turn the TV back on and pull up The Umbrella Academy. Kami’s been talking about it, but I haven’t had a chance to watch it. I just can’t get into anything, though, even though the premise is interesting and normally it looks like I might enjoy it.
Sighing, I turn it off.
My phone vibrates with an incoming text, and I scramble for it, hopeful that maybe Kami got out of whatever she’s doing. But it’s a text from Aaron with a picture of Maddie wearing an apron that he must’ve gotten for her, a big wooden spoon covered in chocolate batter in her hand that matches the chocolate all over her grinning face. We’re making brownies.
I debate how to respond for several long minutes, torn between what I want to say—Can I come over?—and what I probably should say. Which is something to the effect that Maddie’s adorable but don’t let her eat too many brownies.
But the allure of freshly baked brownies—not to mention the specific company that I’m craving—proves to be too much to resist. Brownies sound delicious. Mind if I come over and share them? My thumb hovers over the send button for a few seconds, then, my heart in my throat, I tap it. I can’t force myself to put my phone down while I wait for his response. Every second that ticks by is an agony of anticipation. Will he be annoyed that I’m horning in on their time together? Will he take me inviting myself over as me trying to check up on him? Further proof that I don’t trust him?
I start and delete several explanations of why I want to come over. Everything sounds lame or pathetic or over explanatory. Or all of the above.
Frozen, I watch the three little dots flash in their bubble, disappear, flash again, then … Of course! We just put them in the oven. Come whenever you’re ready.
Maybe it makes me look desperate or ridiculous, but I don’t care. On my way, I text back, then I grab my keys and head out the door.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Aaron
Samantha gives me a sheepish grin when I answer the door. “Hey,” she says, stepping inside. “Sorry to crash your time alone with Maddie. I thought I wanted to spend an evening by myself, but …” She lifts her hands and lets them fall. “I got lonely. And I missed you.”
My eyebrows jump in surprise. “Me, specifically? Or Maddie and me together?”
Her brows wrinkle, and her mouth screws up to the side. “Both?”
I leave my hand on the door and look down at her. “Are you asking me?”
Huffing out a laugh, she looks away and shakes her head. “No. I missed you, specifically. And I missed us all together. I like …” She swallows, closing her eyes like the admission costs her something. “I like us all together. I miss you on the nights it’s just her and me. Having dinner here is great. Relaxing. I’m not the only one to look out for her or get her things. I can actually eat warm food, because there’s someone else to get her a refill or cut up her food or whatever. It’s not all on me.” Her eyelids lift and she turns those deep green eyes on me. And just like she always used to be able to do, that look, something in her eyes latches onto a part of my soul, reaching inside me and grabbing hold, holding me captive. “I’m going to miss you when you go back on tour. Maddie will too.”
Almost unconsciously, I step closer to her. Her eyes widen a fraction and her lips part, her breath shuddering past them. But she holds her ground, licking her lips and drawing my gaze to them. “I’ll miss you guys too,” I tell her in a hoarse voice.
“Mommy!” Maddie comes barreling in from the kitchen, launching herself at Sam, who crouches down and catches Maddie against her chest, standing up and giving her a big hug and kissing her cheeks. Maddie grabs Sam’s cheeks in her hands to hold her still. “I missed you, Mommy.”
Sam gives her a giant grin. “I missed you too, sweet girl. That’s why I crashed your party with Daddy. He sent me a picture of you licking the spoon after you made brownies, and I asked if I could come eat brownies with you.”
Hearing Sam refer to me as Daddy to our daughter makes a warm glow spark in my chest. This weekend solidified a lot of things for the three of us. Maddie calling me Daddy. Sam trusting me to help take care of our daughter. Her apology. And the fact that we both still clearly have feelings for each other, even if Sam is too scared to pursue anything right now. I understand, even if I don’t like it.
“Yay!” Maddie yells. “I’m so glad! I love eating brownies with you!”
Laughing, Sam lowers her to the floor.
“Come on, Mommy!” Maddie grabs Sam’s hand and starts tugging her farther into the house. “Let me show you my room!”
“I’ve already seen your room,” Sam says, but she follows along.
“But Daddy put my drawings on the wall!” she squeals, and I can’t help grinning, leaning against the open doorway of Maddie’s room as Maddie gives Sam a tour of the original artwork now taped up on her walls.
Sam casts a glance at me over her shoulder. “Thank you,” she mouths.
I shrug. “Anytime.”
Sam and Maddie play in her room for a bit before we move to the living room and Maddie asks to watch a show. I turn on the TV, but hand the remotes to Sam when the timer beeps to pull the brownies out of the oven.
When I come back in the living room, Maddie’s snuggled into Sam’s side, her arms wrapped around Sam’s arm watching a show. But she pops up as soon as she sees me, her face full of hope and excitement. “Brownies?”
With a chuckle, I shake my head. “Not yet. They need to cool off first.”
“We’ll watch a show, and then we can have dessert after, okay?” Sam says to her.
Maddie settles back in, wrapping her arms around Sam’s arm again. “Okay.” Then she pats the couch next to her. “Sit here, Daddy.”
How can I refuse? I settle onto the couch next to them, only Maddie’s little body separating me from Sam. I stretch my arm along the back of the couch, contemplating how Sam might react if I slip my fingers under the curtain of her hair and rub her neck.
I miss stroking her smooth skin. When we were together, one of my favorite things was to slip my hand under her shirt and just feel the silky softness of her back, her stomach. Of course, I also liked exploring elsewhere. But those moments were always few and far between, stolen afternoons when our parents weren’t home from work yet. Nowhere near enough to satisfy my need to touch her.
Now that we’re adults … we have our daughter acting as chaperone. And enough baggage to fill a cargo hold. Even so, the desire to touch her skin is as strong as it ever was.
Especially after that kiss …
The show ends, and Maddie pops up. “Time for brownies!”
“Whaaat?” Sam says, faux disbelief dripping from her voice. “You think you should get brownies?”
Maddie nods her head, her hair flying. “YES!” Then she hops off the couch and runs for the kitchen, leaving Sam and I laughing in her wake.
“You’d never guess she was puking her guts up a few days ago,” Sam says as she rises to her feet. “Come on. We better go feed the little monster before she finds a spoon and digs in on her own.”
I follow Sam, watching the sway of her ass in her tight jeans. The soft curl of her hair. Her clingy top. Did sh
e dress up like this for me? My fingers itch to wrap around her hips, pull her against me. Once upon a time I wouldn’t hesitate to touch her. Once upon a time she was mine to touch as much as I wished. We’re not there anymore, though.
I slip past her into the kitchen while she corrals Maddie and gets her seated at her spot at the dining room table. “I got ice cream, too,” I toss out.
“Ice cream!” yells Maddie, provoking another round of laughter from Sam and me.
“I think she wants some ice cream,” Sam remarks dryly.
I pause while cutting the brownies to glance at her. “You?”
She smiles. “Sure. A brownie sundae sounds perfect.”
And something in her voice makes me think the brownie sundae is a symbol of something more. Something to do with the three of us solidifying into a family being perfect. I’d have to agree.
Because this? Right here? I could be happy with a lifetime of this.
After we finish our brownie sundaes, Maddie asks for more.
“Sorry, sweetie,” Sam says. “We’ve gotta get home. It’s already time to get ready for bed.”
Maddie pokes out her lower lip. “Nooo. I wanna stay here.”
Sam’s eyebrows raise. I quietly scrape the last tiny drips of ice cream out of my bowl, deliberately staying out of this one. I’d be fine with Maddie staying here. But tonight was the first time I had any time alone with her. I’m not sure a sleepover is a great idea for her. And I doubt Sam’ll go for it, but I catch her eye and shrug like I’m fine with whatever she decides.
She blows out a breath and looks at Maddie again. “You want to sleep here without me? Just you and Daddy here?”
Maddie shakes her head emphatically. “No. You stay too.”
Sam chuckles, shaking her head. “I can’t do that. I have work in the morning. And we don’t have anything for overnight here.” She reaches out a hand to Maddie. “Tell you what. We’ll schedule you a sleepover at Daddy’s house soon, okay?”
Everything I Want Page 15
