Everything I Want

by MacMillan, Jerica

  Maddie’s face scrunches up like she’s about to cry, and Sam scoots around. “Hey, hey, come here. It’s okay. We’ll see Daddy again really soon,” she reassures her, scooping her into her arms.

  “I want Daddy to read my bedtime story,” Maddie mumbles into Sam’s shoulder.

  “I can read you a story before you go,” I offer.

  But Maddie lifts her head and shakes it again. “No. My bedtime story. You hafta read it when I’m in my PJs in bed.”

  “Right. Of course. Sorry. Uh …”

  Sam’s eyes are pleading, but I’m not sure what she wants me to do.

  So I take a stab at something I think might work and hope she doesn’t get mad at me. “Um, I could come over and help with bedtime? And read her a story at your house.” Even though I’m ostensibly making the offer to Maddie, I’m really asking Sam. “If that’s okay.”

  Maddie sniffs and wipes the tears off her cheeks and shouts, “Yeah! Daddy can come to our house and read to me!”

  I offer Sam an apologetic smile, because if she didn’t want me to offer that, she’s about to have a very unhappy little girl on her hands if she says no.

  “You’re sure you don’t mind?” she asks. “You can tell her no. It’s okay.”

  I shrug. “It’s not like I have plans tomorrow. I don’t mind at all. And if she’s going to come over for a sleepover ever, I’ll need to know her bedtime routine, right?”

  “Right.”

  Despite the slight hesitation still coloring Sam’s voice, I can’t suppress the happiness at getting to read my daughter a bedtime story. Not over the phone. Not early before she leaves for the night. But in her bed at her actual bedtime.

  Even if I won’t be staying all night. Even if I don’t get to live in the same house as her right now, it’s all a step in the right direction. And Sam’s on board and inviting me along.

  It’s everything I was hoping for when I demanded visitation rights. More, actually, because any hostility that existed between Sam and me has evaporated, barely leaving a residue behind.

  For the first time in a long time I feel … happy. At peace. Like the world is a good place and good things can happen to me too.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Samantha

  Aaron follows us to my place in his car, despite Maddie desperately wanting him to ride with us. “Daddy needs his own car because Mommy has to work in the morning,” I tell her. I’m not even going to get into the fact that Aaron won’t be staying all night like he did the last time he put her to bed. She seems to think that Daddy’s having another sleepover with us, and I’m not risking her throwing a fit about that while I’m trying to strap her into her car seat. We can cross that bridge later.

  Or maybe in the morning.

  Although her throwing a fit when it’s time to get ready to go in the morning won’t be ideal either.

  Sighing over the inevitability of her having a meltdown about Aaron not staying the night, I climb into the driver’s seat and start the car. Maddie keeps up a steady stream of chatter about all the things she did with Daddy tonight, most of which I already know because she told me while we were eating brownies.

  My heart squeezes at the happiness in her voice at getting to spend so much time with Aaron. With her daddy. And she deserves every ounce of happiness she can soak up with him. Especially since he’ll be leaving again in just a few weeks.

  We still haven’t had that conversation about how everything will work when he leaves. When he’ll be coming back. How to break the news to Maddie. We need to start preparing her now for the fact that Daddy will have to be gone for a while again, but that he’s coming back. She’ll see him again.

  And it’ll probably take a few cycles of him leaving and coming back for her to really start believing that he won’t leave forever again.

  I make a mental note to bring that up after she’s asleep tonight. If he’ll stay that long.

  My mind flashes to that night he stayed over while she was sick. The sight of him stripping down to his boxer briefs. I couldn’t see much, but the next morning when he pulled his jeans back on and stood in my room shirtless …

  I shift in my seat, clamping down on those thoughts. The memory of his lean body, the bulge and shift of the muscles under his skin, the way he took care of us that night, that kiss … all of that combined with the vague impression of his chest pressing against my back, his dick pressing against me is such a turn on that it’s fueled several fantasies when I’m alone in my bed at night in the last few days.

  But I’m driving. Maddie’s still awake. And I need to have a serious conversation with Aaron tonight. There’s no room for getting turned on. No room for sexy thoughts about my daughter’s father. No room for a relationship in my life, even if I could so easily fall back in love with him if I let myself.

  Which is why I can’t. I’m not a carefree teenager, free to give my heart wherever I want. I’m a mom. I have responsibilities. A tiny person relying on me. And I have to help her navigate the reality that her dad won’t be around all the time. How can I do that if I’m heartbroken right along with her?

  But won’t I be heartbroken when he leaves anyway? I can barely make it through a night without him …

  I hush that voice as I pull into my parking spot, Aaron pulling into a visitor spot across from us. He joins me at my car, waiting as I finish unbuckling Maddie so we can all head upstairs together.

  Bedtime is full of Maddie saying, “No, Daddy do it,” every time I try to do anything. Pick out her PJs. “No, Daddy do it.” Brush her teeth. “No, Daddy do it.” After that, I just stand back and let them handle it. He gives me a sheepish grin in the bathroom mirror as he loads up her sparkly pink toothbrush with bubble gum toothpaste.

  “I’ve never brushed another person’s teeth before,” he admits while Maddie stands on her stool, mouth wide open.

  I shrug. “Just do your best. Try to get all her teeth.”

  He chuckles. “Thanks.” Gently he starts brushing her teeth, his face screwed up in an adorable look of concentration. I can’t help smiling, because Maddie gets the same look on her face when she’s trying to do something.

  I sit at the foot of her bed while Aaron reads three books to her for bedtime. When he finishes the last one, she says, “One more!”

  I shake my head. “Three’s enough for tonight. Do you want Daddy to stay with you till you go to sleep? Or do you want me?”

  She screws up her face to think about it, then reaches out her arms to me. “Mommy.” And that’s why I didn’t think she’d manage a sleepover with Aaron tonight. Maybe soon, though. Although I didn’t handle a few hours on my own very well. How will I manage an entire night?

  Aaron leans over and kisses the top of her head. “Goodnight, Maddie.”

  She releases me and reaches for him, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him on the cheek. “Night, Daddy.”

  I stand with him to follow him to the door. “Would you stay until she’s asleep?” I ask him in the doorway. “There are a few things we need to talk about.”

  He nods slowly, examining my face. “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah, yeah. Nothing bad. Just planning stuff. Since you’re here, and she’ll be asleep soon, I just thought it makes sense to take advantage of the opportunity.”

  “Sure. No problem. See you in a bit.”

  I give him a polite smile, and he pulls the door closed quietly behind him. I turn off the light, and go sit on the floor next to Maddie’s twin mattress, holding her hand until she drifts off to sleep.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Aaron

  I pace the living room, sit at the dining room table, pace some more, then sit on the couch. I can’t settle back and relax, though. I keep shifting positions, my foot bouncing when I cross my ankle over my knee in an attempt to stop it from bouncing.

  I keep reassuring myself that whatever she wants to talk about isn’t bad. She’s not going to chew me out for feeding Maddie brownie
s and ice cream so close to bedtime. I mean, she would’ve said something at the time if she objected … right?

  Right.

  And it’s not like she came over to find Maddie covered in bruises or limping or hurt in some other way.

  I’m up and pacing again, running my hands through my hair. She did crash our Father-daughter night. But she said it was because she was lonely. That she missed us. Missed me.

  Does that mean …

  Could she have changed her mind?

  Or maybe she wants to change the visitation schedule …

  I can’t decide if that’s something good or bad. It could go either way. If she wants to bring Maddie over every night, I would be all over that. Especially if Sam kept coming too. I mean, she could take a night off whenever she wanted, but as much as I loved having Maddie to myself tonight, having Sam there too satisfies a craving I didn’t know I had.

  But if she wants to space out our visits …

  I force myself to take a deep breath and calm the fuck down. I have no idea if that’s what she wants. She’s given no indication of that. Maybe she just wants to figure out things before I have to go out of town for the wedding. Or maybe there’s like a birthday party or something that Maddie got invited to on a night they’d usually come over.

  It’s probably something minor like that, and here I am getting myself all worked up for no reason.

  When Sam finally appears an agonizing eternity later, I turn to face her, my panic stamped all over my face.

  I know, because her eyes soften and she lets out a quiet chuckle as she steps closer to me. “I didn’t mean to get you all upset. I told you it wasn’t anything bad.”

  Swallowing hard, I spread my hands. “Nothing bad could be interpreted in so many different ways. And just because you don’t think it’s bad, doesn’t mean I won’t.”

  She snorts from trying to hold in a laugh, which makes her giggle harder, and she claps a hand over her own mouth to muffle the sound.

  A grin starts claiming my face, and I eventually give into it, stuffing my hands in my pockets and chuckling too.

  She shakes her head, waving a hand to fan her face. “Oh, man. Sorry. I shouldn’t laugh, not when you’ve obviously been out here panicking for the last half hour. I just wanted to talk about the schedule for the rest of the time you’re here. And then we need to figure out how we’re going to handle you being on tour again.”

  My mouth goes dry, and I swallow, trying to muster up some saliva. “Is there something wrong with the schedule we have now?” My voice is a croak, and I clear my throat a few times, trying to make it work right again.

  “No, not at all,” she quickly reassures me. “That’s not what I meant. But we set that up right after you got here. I wasn’t sure if you’d want to change anything. Maybe stipulate a certain number of nights where it’s just the two of you or, I don’t know, sleepovers like we talked about earlier. I really wanted to talk about after that, though. When you’re back on tour.” She bites her lip, stepping closer, almost within reaching distance. “Maddie’s going to be devastated when she doesn’t get to see you every other day anymore. We need to start preparing her for that now. And figure out how to keep in touch in the meantime so that you’re still part of her life.”

  I nod, heat rising in my chest, my voice still husky when I ask, “Will Maddie be the only one sad not to see me all the time?”

  Holding my gaze, she shakes her head, her lips forming the word, “No.”

  My breath leaves me in a rush, and without stopping to think about it, I close the distance between us, reaching for her hips, my fingers slipping under the hem of her shirt like I’ve wanted to all night. She gasps when my thumbs caress her skin just above the waistband of her jeans, and I duck my head to swallow the sound, sealing my lips to hers.

  At first she doesn’t move, doesn’t react. But then her arms twine around my neck, her mouth coming alive under mine, her tongue darting out and sliding across my lips.

  A growl rumbles in my chest, and I nip at her lower lip before sucking it into my mouth. She presses herself against me, her arms tightening around my neck.

  I reciprocate by wrapping my arms around her, trapping her against me, diving into the kiss like a man dying of thirst stumbling headfirst into an oasis.

  When we break apart, we’re both breathing like we sprinted in the Olympic trials, but neither of us lets go. “I don’t want to let you go again,” she whispers.

  “You don’t have to. We’re not eighteen anymore. Me leaving to go on tour doesn’t mean I’m never coming back. Or that I’m gone forever. It’s not the same situation we were in before. And even then, we didn’t have to stay apart like we did. You’re the one who decided that, who broke it off and pushed me away. I still wanted to see you every chance I got.”

  She opens her mouth, her eyes suddenly swimming in tears. “I thought—”

  “I know,” I break in. “I know. You don’t have to explain again. I get it. I’m not scolding you. I’m just saying, it doesn’t have to be that way this time. We can talk. Every night. Multiple times a day. However often you want. You can come visit me on tour once or twice. And it’s not like this tour is never ending. In a few months, I’ll be back here for two months again.”

  She sniffs and drops her gaze to my throat, but she doesn’t pull away.

  When she doesn’t say anything, I push farther, going for broke. “Or, hell, you could quit your job and bring Maddie on tour with me. You don’t have to work if you don’t want to, you know.”

  Her mouth drops open, and her eyes dart back and forth between mine. Then she lets out an almost hysterical-sounding laugh, pulling one hand away to wipe her eyes. She shakes her head as she calms down slightly. “I’m not sure I’m ready to go that far.”

  I give her a crooked grin. “I can live with that. As long as you know that it’s an option.” Taking a chance, I duck my head and press another kiss to her lips. She kisses me back with more enthusiasm than I expected, but breaks the kiss sooner than I’d like. I follow her mouth with mine, but she laughs again and pushes me back.

  “We still need to talk,” she says softly.

  “Okay. You’re right. We do need to talk.” Offering to bring her on tour and support her and Maddie has made me realize that I’ve never managed to talk to her about child support, which is something I’m going to provide whether she wants me to or not. Releasing her, I slide my fingers through hers and lead her to the couch. I might not be able to wrap myself around her like I really want to right now, but I’m not willing to relinquish touching her altogether.

  She stares at our joined hands as we sit, and I stroke her thumb with mine. I clear my throat. “I’ve actually been trying to have this conversation with you for a while.”

  “I know,” she says. “I was scared, though.”

  “Of what?” I turn my head, examining her profile.

  She shrugs, still not looking at me. “That you’d ask for more than I want to give.”

  I think about that, but can’t come up with anything that I want that would fall under that category. “Like what?”

  She glances up at me and shrugs again. “Like that you might want to take Maddie with you on tour.”

  An incredulous laugh escapes before I can stop it. “You thought that … like now? On this next leg?”

  Biting her lip, her face still pointed down, she nods. “Yeah. Maybe. I mean … I didn’t know. You’ve been so insistent on getting to spend as much time with her as possible, it didn’t seem beyond the realm of possibility.”

  I turn my body so I’m facing her, pulling my bent leg up on the couch between us. “Sam. Look at me.”

  After a long moment, she raises her eyes to mine, and they’re once again sparkling with unshed tears.

  “I will never try to take her away from you. She’s so little. And she barely knows me. I would never try to bring her along with me without you. That would be a disaster. Not to mention the fact that I’d need t
o hire a nanny, and that takes time. And I’d need you to be involved in the decision, because I don’t want to hire anyone to take care of our daughter that you didn’t approve of, and …” I trail off, thinking of all the logistics of bringing a kid along that I had to watch Danny go through and shaking my head at all of it. “No. Maybe when she’s older if she wanted to come with me and it were summer or something, maybe. When she doesn’t have to be surgically removed from your body to be parted from you for long periods of time. Maaaybe then. But not now.”

  She laughs at the surgical removal comment, the sound slightly thick with tears, but she’s nodding, a faint smile tipping up the corners of her mouth. “Okay. Thank you. I feel better already.”

  “Good.” I give her a soft smile. “So, while I’m on tour. I assume video chatting is going to be a regular thing. I can do bedtimes on nights off for sure, like if she wants me to read her books or something. Show nights, it’ll depend on what time zone we’re in, so we’ll have to play that by ear. Send me pictures and videos as often as you want. Or as often as you can. I don’t care. I’ll miss you guys when I’m gone too.” I swallow thickly, contemplating being without them, how firmly they’ve embedded themselves into my life in such a short time.

  I clear my throat. “There are a couple of other things I want to talk about too, though.”

  Sam eyes me, her expression turning wary. “Okay,” she says slowly. “What are they?”

  I offer a reassuring smile. “First, I’m going to be helping. Financially, I mean. I’ve already set up a savings account in Maddie’s name. I had a family attorney calculate the amount of back child support I owe you, and I’ve already deposited it. You can access it for anything you need for her. I would also like to send you some money monthly to help with expenses.”

  Her mouth is hanging open, and she’s already shaking her head before I can finish.