Knights Burden (Rumblin' Knights, #4)

by Bella Jewel

  I STARE AT THE RING where Brody is currently fighting. His fists are swinging, his biceps are flexing, and he’s panting and grunting with every hit. Lincoln got in the best fighter he knows, trying to get Brody ready for whatever stupid match he’s insistent on going into. He’s not backing down from this fight, the way he moves, the way his eyes are focused on his target, it’s almost mesmerizing.

  Like you could get lost just watching him.

  He doesn’t know I’m here, of course. Currently, he probably doesn’t care. He’s got one goal, and that is this fight. Anything else, namely me, means little to him right now. That hurts, but it has me pondering what Ripley said about taking the focus away from him. Maybe he’s right, not just for Brody’s sake, but mostly mine. After all, I’ve spent months focused on him and only him.

  I haven’t thought about me.

  Not for one single moment.

  In doing that, I’ve lost myself. I’ve lost my edge, my spark, the very thing Brody fell in love with. Now I’m a broken shell, my eyes are dark, my hair is a mess, and I know I look like crap. I’ve stopped caring about myself, and I think maybe I need to focus a little bit on doing that. I’m not going to stop Brody from fighting, at least, I don’t think I can, but I’m going to be there with him every step of the way.

  Trying to take his focus from Mick and his revenge might just get him to see what he’s doing is dangerous, hell, it might even get him to consider another way. Until that time, at least I know Lincoln is going to have him trained, no matter what.

  Now I need to worry about me and what’s good for my health.

  Right?

  It feels wrong, but I know I need to do it.

  “How’s it going?” Finn asks, coming up beside me and staring down at Brody who is effortlessly taking the other man down. “He’s an exceptional fighter, Mel. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

  “When you’re as broken as he is, you no longer care. When you no longer care, you have nothing to lose. When you have nothing to lose, you’re going to give it your all.”

  Finn looks to me. “He has plenty to lose.”

  “He doesn’t see it that way.”

  Finn’s eyes fill with sympathy, which I hate, but I understand. He feels bad for me, and why wouldn’t he? My boyfriend, the love of my life, is down there fighting to prepare for a match that could ultimately end his life. Who wouldn’t feel sorry for me. Right?

  “You’d be surprised, I think. I don’t think any of us truly understand what’s going on in Brody’s head right now. All I know, is he’s focused, so focused he’s forgotten the world around him. Those walls will come down, when, who knows, but they will. When they do, he’ll be in a bad way. Keep doing what you’re doing, don’t give up on him.”

  I never planned on giving up on him, not for a single second, I’m just finally putting myself in the picture, too.

  What good am I to Brody if I can barely hold it together myself?

  He needs to remember exactly who he fell in love with.

  It’ll be my job to remind him.

  “Never,” I whisper to Finn, watching as Brody takes down his opponent, with little to no effort.

  “He could win this,” Finn tells me.

  “Yeah, I know he could.”

  “Maybe then your demons will finally go away.”

  “Yeah,” I say, watching as Brody walks out of the ring. “Maybe.”

  A few moments later the door to the room we’re in opens, and Brody walks in followed by Lincoln and Slater.

  Ripley, Finn, Damon, and I are already here, waiting.

  Brody doesn’t know I’m here.

  The moment, the very moment those gorgeous dark brown eyes hit me, he mutters, “What is she doing here?”

  She.

  She.

  Not Melanie.

  Not the girl who I was madly in love with.

  She.

  It hurts. Hurts like hell. But I swore I’d at least try to change something, so I’m not going to say anything about it.

  “You can fuss all you want,” I say, crossing my arms, “but I’m here for every single step.”

  Brody looks to Lincoln. “I’m not okay with this, she leaves.”

  “No,” Lincoln says, “no, she doesn’t. You can’t get into that fight with me, Brody, you know it, I know it, and she knows it. The rules are that she gets to be here, and I’m goin’ to let her have that, considerin’ you’ve taken everything else from her. Don’t like it, you can leave and try to find another way in.”

  Brody’s face tightens, and he glances back at me and mutters, “Stay out of my way.”

  I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this from him, and it hurts more than he’ll ever know, but I don’t show it. I force every cell in my body to stay calm, I beg my brain to keep my face relaxed.

  “Wasn’t planning on getting in your way, Broderick. But I’m going to be with you every step of the way, even if you hate it. I’ve come this far. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get my hair done, go shopping, and then I’m going on a damn date.”

  I spin on my heel, but not before I catch his rather shocked expression.

  Maybe Ripley is right.

  Maybe this will give him the distraction needed.

  Just maybe.

  “SWEETHEART, LOVELY, child of honey bees, what in the ever loving hell have you done to your hair?”

  I stare at the tall, handsome stylist staring at my hair like it has grown an extra head and is currently hacking into my brain. His horrified expression as he parts it with his fingers looking at the dull roots and the split ends has me cringing. I know it’s bad, but I didn’t realize it was that bad. He must be horrified.

  “It’s a long story,” I say, giving him a sheepish smile.

  “Well, don’t you worry, I’m going to get this all fixed for you. Get comfortable, it’s going to take a while.”

  “I’ve got all day.”

  He grins and clicks his fingers, calling over two ladies who immediately come and stop at his side. “We’re going to need color, a lot of color. Sarah, give this lovely lady a wash while we mix up something fabulous. Then, when we’re finished, we’re going to chop the hell out of this mess.”

  I give them both a grin as Sarah directs me over to the basin where I lie down and she starts washing my hair. We make small talk and when she’s done, I return to the chair and the color that is waiting for me. The next three hours is filled with coloring, washing, trimming, and blow drying. By the end of it, I look ... well ... I look like myself again.

  My hair is soft and flowing down around my shoulders, curling at the ends. Fresh in color, it looks shiny and healthy. It makes my eyes look less tired, and my skin look less mistreated, and I can see a glimpse of the girl I used to take such pride in.

  “Honey, you look incredible!”

  I smile at my stylist, thankful for his kind effort in making me look a whole lot less homeless.

  “Thank you,” I tell him. “Thank you so much.”

  “Now you go and get yourself some new clothes, some new makeup, and whoever made you look the way you looked when you came in here, you make them wish they never let your fine ass go.”

  I giggle. “It’s a plan.”

  When I’m done, I make my way to the mall where I’m meeting Aria before she heads home this afternoon. I’m sad she has to go, but I’m really happy she made it at all. It meant a lot to me that she came all this way to spend time with me.

  The moment she lays eyes on me, she screams, “Oh, girl, yes!”

  I laugh, “You like it?”

  “I love it! I’m so glad you did something for yourself. Brody is going to lose his shit when he sees you!”

  I doubt it, but I’m appreciative of her confidence anyway.

  “Let’s go shopping, I need some new shoes, a new dress and makeup!”

  “Yes,” Aria squeals happily. “Yes, yes, yes! I can’t believe you’re actually going on a date. Let me guess, Lee i
s behind that?”

  I laugh, “What gives you that idea?”

  “Lee is always behind these schemes. I have to admit I agree, though. He’s right pushing you to try and get out there again. I know you love Brody, and that won’t change, but you lost yourself and you deserve to find a little something of Melanie again.”

  I smile at her as we walk into a gorgeous dress shop. “Thank you, it’s not easy, and I’m honestly dreading it, but it’ll do me good I know. It’s not like I’m going to sleep with the guy, just some general chit chat. My heart belongs to Brody, that isn’t going to change.”

  “He won’t like it. I saw him right before I came to meet you here, and he asked me where you were.”

  “He did?” I ask, surprised.

  “Yep, it was all gruff and manly like he didn’t care, but when I told him you were getting your hair done for a date, and then we were meeting to find a sexy dress for you to wear, his jaw got so tight, I could see the muscle jump.”

  “Do you think he honestly cares?”

  She nods. “Oh, hell yes. I know Brody well enough by now to know that he is only being a dick to you because he doesn’t want you to get hurt. He wants you to move on and be happy. He doesn’t think you can have that with him. Plus, he doesn’t want to put you in danger. But does he love you? Oh, yes, honey, he does.”

  That makes my heart feel a little better, I must admit.

  If anyone knows Brody, it’s Aria. The two of them are best friends, well, they were best friends before Brody went rogue. I think it hurts her far more than she’s willing to admit, because he just left without saying goodbye to her, and I know she thought their friendship meant a hell of a lot more than that. Hell, I thought their friendship meant a hell of a lot more than that. It makes me sad for her, and I feel bad, because I haven’t really asked her about it.

  I really have made everything about me, haven’t I?

  “Have you had much of a chance to talk to Brody, you know, alone?” I ask her as she flicks through a few dresses on the rack, pulling one off and putting it over her arm as she continues to shop.

  “No, not really.”

  Her tone is short, but not angry. Hurt. It’s full of hurt. I’m a terrible, terrible friend for not asking this earlier.

  God.

  Terrible.

  “You’re upset,” I say carefully, not wanting to make her any more upset, or even angry.

  “Yeah,” she tells me, “but don’t worry about it, you’re going through so much and—”

  “Honey,” I say, cutting her off, “you’re my best friend. It’s not just about me. I’m sorry it has been that way, I’ve not been the best to you, and clearly I should have been. You can talk to me. I’m okay. I know I went a little crazy there, but I’m okay now. Tell me ...”

  She looks at me, studying my face, her eyes running over it, before she exhales and says, “He left without even saying goodbye. We were friends, good friends, best friends. He told me a lot. We had a connection. Like you and Lee, you know? He left without even letting me know. I understand why, I rationalize it all the time in my mind, but the fact is he still did it, and he did it without even considering how it might feel to me.”

  “Yeah, he did,” I say, pulling a black dress off the rack. “You have every right to be angry at him.”

  “I was scared, too. I would sit there and think of all the ways he could get hurt, and how that would affect everyone, including Blade. How their family would fall apart, just when it all finally came together again.”

  I feel for her. She lost a lot in her short life. Her dad died and left her and her mom with a gaping hole in their hearts. Her mom, Nancy, met Jack, the boys’ dad, and finally it looked like their lives were coming together again. It was a mess at the start, but they worked it out and all of them came together and things felt good, for everyone. If she loses Brody, it’ll put her back into that place she doesn’t want to go again, that place of darkness and pain. Losing someone you love, it’s the worst possible thing you could ever endure in your life. She knows that better than anyone.

  “You should talk to him,” I suggest, even though I know right now, Brody isn’t going to talk to anyone. Well, mostly me, but he might talk to Aria. He has nothing to prove to her. “Tell him how you feel. Hell, scream at him if you have to. You shouldn’t have to hide, honey. Talk to him.”

  She stares at me. “You think?”

  “Yeah, I do. He might not give you anything in return, but at least you’ll feel better letting him know that what he did wasn’t okay.”

  She smiles. “Thank you, I will do that before I go home today. I’m sorry to dump all of this on you, I know you’re hurting.”

  I shrug. “We’re both hurting. We’re all hurting. Brody is doing a good job at making everyone suffer.”

  “I wish he’d let it go. I wish he’d see that Mick chose his path, and it’s not up to him to fix it for him.”

  “I wish that too.” I sigh. “But it’s not going to happen. Brody saw something we couldn’t even begin to imagine. He’s not going to step away from it now. Not while that memory haunts him.”

  Aria nods, and we both continue shopping.

  I wonder, truly wonder, how this is all going to end.

  The very thought makes my chest feel as though it’s going to cave in.

  I can’t lose Brody.

  Sometimes, though, sometimes I think I’m going to.

  And there isn’t a single thing in this world I can do about it.

  17

  THEN – BRODY

  “YOU’RE MAKING A BIG mistake, son,” my dad growls, his voice a hushed whisper so he doesn’t wake anyone else in the house up.

  “I’m fuckin’ helpin’ him out, dad. There isn’t a single thing you can do to stop me. He needs it.”

  “He’s destroying his own life! He’s taking you along for the ride. You’re going to lose everything that matters to you, again. Is that what you want? Haven’t you been down this fucking road before?”

  “Don’t,” I growl, stepping closer. “Mick needs my help, and I’m goin’ to get him out of this situation, then I’ll send him on his way. I’m not going to keep chasin’ him. I’m not stupid, regardless of what you all think. I’ll fix this, and then he’s on his own. He has to want to fix himself, I know this, but right now he has nobody else.”

  “What about Melanie?” Dad rasps into the darkness. “You broke her heart. She’s a beautiful woman and you’re breaking her little by little, for what? For what, Broderick? Tell me that.”

  My chest clenches. Because when I think of Melanie, my whole body feels different. It’s like the moment her name enters my ears, my soul knows exactly how to feel. She completes me. She’s the best fucking thing to ever walk into my life. She left me, and it hurts. It fucking burns. Living without her, that’s no life, none at all, but I know that she’s better off—for the moment, anyway.

  But I’ll come for her, as soon as Mick is safe, I’ll get my girl back.

  “She’s safer this way,” I say, my voice without tone or emotion.

  “What is wrong with you? Did I not raise you right? That’s your lady. You don’t let her stand out there in this world for one fucking moment thinking that you don’t love her.”

  “She knows I love her.”

  “No, she fucking doesn’t,” he barks. “She doesn’t know that because you’re putting her last.”

  “I’m protecting her!”

  “How?” he roars, giving up on the silence. “How the fuck are you protecting her?”

  “By letting her walk away right now. She’s safer that way. She can’t be used against me, or Mick. I’m going to fix this for him, then I’m going to fix it with her.”

  “Could be too late by then, did you ever consider that?”

  Yes. Every single second. The very idea of her with someone else makes my whole body feel like it’s going to give up. Like it’ll shut down and never work again. A world without Melanie is an empty, emot
ionless, cold place. I can’t live like that. I can’t live without her.

  “Stop,” I whisper to my dad. I respect him, respect the hell out of him, but he’s making me angry. “I know what I’m doing.”

  “Do you?” he shakes his head, disappointment in his eyes.

  I fucking hate disappointment.

  It burns me to my very core.

  “Yes.”

  “Mick is going to get you killed. For what? He made his choice.”

  “He’s my best friend, has been since we were kids. He’s like a son to you, how can you stand there, knowing he’s fuckin’ alone in the world, and still act like you’re okay with not helpin’ him.”

  “This isn’t about Mick, Brody. You know it, deep down you know it. You fucked up once before, someone you love died because you weren’t there. You’re not over that feeling, and you’re scared of it happening again. You’re scared Mick will get hurt, and you need to know you’ve done enough to help him so you don’t live with that festering guilt.”

  I step forward, fist clenched, face red and angry. I’m panting. How fucking dare he bring her up. How fucking dare he. She killed herself, because I didn’t fight hard enough for her. Because I didn’t believe her. Because I didn’t try. She’s gone, and I have to live with that. I won’t make the same mistake again.

  “Hit me, son,” he growls into my face. “If it makes you feel better. But I’m speaking the truth. Only the truth. You’re angry. You’re still hurt. You’re still a little fuckin’ broken and so you’re giving to Mick what you think you have to, to avoid it happening again, but what you can’t see, is that Mick is beyond help. He doesn’t want help. He’s digging his own hole.”

  “You raised me,” I grind out, “to do the fuckin’ right thing. To help others. I didn’t do that with Ashley, and she took her own life. I thought she was beyond help, it was too hard and I was too young, because of that error in judgement, she killed herself. I’m not going to let the same happen to Mick. He’s family. I’m going to make sure he gets through, even if you and everyone else thinks I’m fuckin’ crazy for doin’ so.”