P.S. I Still Love You

by Jenny Han

  “But this party is a huge event! Can’t the bingo people be in the sitting room just for one night?”

  “Lara Jean, I can’t move bingo. People from all over the community come here for that, including the leasing agent’s own mother. There are a lot of politics at play here. My hands are tied.”

  “Well, what about the dining room?” We could move all the tables and set up the dance floor at the center of the room and then put the refreshments on a long table against the wall. It could work.

  Janette gives me a look like Girl, please. “And who’s going to put away all the tables and chairs? You?”

  “Well, me, and I’m sure I could round up some volunteers—”

  “And have one of the residents put out their back and sue the home? No, gracias.”

  “We wouldn’t need to put away all of the tables, just half. Couldn’t you get the staff to help?” Janette’s already shaking her head when inspiration hits me. “Janette, I heard that Ferncliff might bus over some of their residents. Ferncliff. They already call themselves the premier retirement community of the Blue Ridge Mountains.”

  “Oh my God, Ferncliff is a dump. The people who work at that place are garbage. I have a master’s. ‘Premier retirement community of the Blue Ridge Mountains’? Ha! My ass.”

  Now I just need to bring it home. “I’m telling you, Janette, if this dance isn’t up to par, it’s going to make us look like fools. We can’t let that happen. I want those Ferncliff residents to walk or wheel out of here wishing they were Belleview!”

  “All right, all right. I’ll get the janitors to help set up the dining room.” Janette shakes her finger at me. “You’re like a dog with a bone, girl.”

  “You won’t regret it,” I promise her. “For the pictures alone. We’ll put them all over the website. Everyone will want to be us!”

  At this Janette’s eyes narrow with satisfaction, and I let out the breath I’ve been holding. This party has to go right. It just has to. It is my one bright spot.

  43

  SUNDAY NIGHT I CURL MY hair. Curling your hair is an intrinsically hopeful act. I like to curl mine at night and think about all the things that could happen tomorrow. Also, it generally looks much better slept on and not so poofy.

  I’ve got half of it clipped and I’m almost done with one side when Chris comes climbing through my window. “I’m supposed to be grounded right now, so I have to wait until my mom falls asleep before I go home,” she says, taking off her motorcycle jacket. “Are you still depressed over Kavinsky?”

  I wind another section of hair around the curling iron barrel. “Yes. I mean, it hasn’t even been forty-eight hours yet.”

  Chris puts her arm around me. “I hate to say it, but this has been a train wreck from the start.”

  I give her a wounded look. “Thanks a lot.”

  “Well, it’s true. The way you guys got together was weird, and then the whole hot tub video thing.” She takes the curling iron from me and starts curling her own hair. “Although, I will say that it was probably good for you to go through all that. You were really sheltered, hon. You can be very judgmental.”

  I snatch the curling iron back from her and make like I’m going to bonk her over the head with it. “Are you here to cheer me up or to tell me all of my flaws?”

  “Sorry! I’m just saying.” She offers me a cheery smile. “Don’t be sad for too long. It’s not your style. There are other guys besides Kavinsky. Guys who aren’t my cousin’s sloppy seconds. Guys like John McClaren. He’s hot. I’d go for him myself if he wasn’t into you.”

  Softly, I say, “I can’t think about anyone else right now. Peter and I just broke up.”

  “There’s heat between you and Johnny boy. I saw it with my own two eyes at the time capsule thing. He wants you.” She bumps her shoulder against mine. “You liked him before. Maybe there’s still something there.”

  I ignore her and keep curling my hair, one lock at a time.

  Peter still sits in front of me in chemistry. I didn’t know you could miss someone even more acutely when they’re only a few feet away. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t look at me, not even once. I didn’t fully comprehend what a big part of my life he’d become. He’d become so . . . familiar to me. And now he’s just gone. Not gone, still here, just not available to me, which might be even worse. For a minute there it was really good. It was really, really good. Wasn’t it good? Maybe really, really good things aren’t meant to last for too long; maybe that’s what makes them all the more sweet, the temporariness of them. Maybe I’m just trying to make myself feel better. It’s working, barely. Barely is enough for now.

  After class is over, Peter lingers at his desk, and then he turns around and says, “Hey.”

  My heart leaps. “Hey.” I have this sudden, wild thought that if he wants me back, I’ll say yes. Forget my pride, forget Genevieve, forget it all.

  “So I want my necklace back,” he says. “Obviously.”

  My fingers fly to the heart locket hanging from around my neck. I wanted to take it off this morning, but I couldn’t bear to.

  Now I have to give it back? Stormy has a whole box of trinkets and tokens from old boyfriends. I didn’t think I’d have to return my one token from a boy. But it was expensive, and Peter is practical. He could get his money back, and his mom could resell it. “Of course,” I say, fumbling with the clasp.

  “I didn’t mean you had to give it back right this second,” he says, and my hand stills. Maybe he’ll let me keep it awhile longer, or even forever. “But I’ll take it.”

  I can’t get the clasp undone, and it’s taking forever, and it’s excruciating because he’s just standing there. Finally he comes up behind me and pulls my hair away from my neck so it rests on one shoulder. It might be my imagination, but I think I hear his heart beating. His is beating and mine feels like it’s breaking.

  44

  KITTY FLIES INTO MY BEDROOM. I’m at my desk, doing homework. It’s been so long since I sat here and did homework; Peter and I usually go to Starbucks after school. Life is lonely already.

  “Did you and Peter break up?” Kitty demands.

  I flinch. “Who told you?”

  “Don’t worry about it. Just answer the question.”

  “Well . . . yes.”

  “You don’t deserve him,” she spits out.

  I reel backward in my seat. “What? You’re my sister—it’s not fair for you to take Peter’s side. You haven’t even heard my side. Not that you should have to. Don’t you know that you never take a side against your sister?”

  She purses her lips. “What’s your side?”

  “My side is, it’s complicated. Peter still has feelings for Genevieve—”

  “He doesn’t think of her that way anymore. Don’t make an excuse.”

  “You didn’t see what I saw, Kitty!” I burst out.

  “What did you see?” she challenges, chin thrust out like a weapon. “Tell me.”

  “It isn’t just what I saw. It’s what I knew all along. Just—never mind. You wouldn’t understand it, Kitty.”

  “Did you see him kiss her? Did you?”

  “No, but—”

  “But nothing.” She squints at me. “Does this have anything to do with that guy with the weird name? John Amberton McClaren or whatever?”

  “No! Why would you say that?” I let out a gasp. “Wait a minute! Have you been reading my letters again?”

  She screws up her face, and I know she has, the fiend. “Don’t change the subject! Do you like him or not?”

  “This doesn’t have anything to do with John McClaren. It’s just about me and Peter.”

  I want to tell her that he knew it was Genevieve who made that video, spread it around. He knew and he still protected her. But I can’t mar her little-girl notion of who Peter is. It would be too cruel a thing to do to her. “Kitty, it doesn’t matter. Peter still has feelings for Genevieve, and I’ve always known it. And besides, what’s even the point o
f a serious thing with Peter when we’re only going to break up like Margot and Josh did? High school romances hardly ever last, you know. And for a good reason. We’re too young to be so serious.” Even as I’m saying the words, tears are leaking out the corners of my eyes.

  Kitty softens. She puts her arm around me. “Don’t cry.”

  “I’m not crying. I’m tearing up a little.”

  Sighing heavily, she says, “If this is love, no thanks. I don’t want any part of it. When I’m older, I’m just going to do my own thing.”

  “What does that mean?” I ask her.

  Kitty shrugs. “If I like a boy, fine, I’ll date him, but I’m not going to sit at home and cry over him.”

  “Kitty, don’t act like you never cry.”

  “I cry over important things.”

  “You cried the other night because Daddy wouldn’t let you stay up to watch TV!”

  “Yes, well, that was important to me.”

  I sniffle. “I don’t know why I’m arguing over this stuff with you.” She’s too little to understand. Part of me hopes she never does. It was better when I didn’t.

  That night, Daddy and I are doing the dishes when he clears his throat and says, “So Kitty told me about the big breakup. How are you holding up?”

  I rinse off a glass and set it in the dishwasher. “Kitty has such a big mouth. I was going to tell you about it later.” Maybe deep down I was hoping I wouldn’t have to.

  “Do you want to talk about it? I can make some Night-Night tea. Not as good as Mommy’s, but still.”

  “Maybe later,” I say, just to be kind. His version of Night-Night tea isn’t the best.

  He puts his arm around my shoulders. “It’ll get easier, I promise. Peter Kavinsky isn’t the only boy in the world.”

  Sighing, I say, “I just don’t want to hurt like this ever again.”

  “There’s no way to protect yourself against heartbreak, Lara Jean. That’s just a part of life.” He kisses me on the top of my head. “Go upstairs and rest. I’ll finish up here.”

  “Thanks, Daddy.” I leave him alone in the kitchen, humming to himself as he dries a pan with a dishcloth.

  My dad said Peter isn’t the only boy in the world. I know this is true, of course it’s true. But look at Daddy. My mom was the only girl in the world for him. If she wasn’t, he’d have found somebody new by now. Maybe he’s been trying to protect himself from heartbreak too. Maybe we’re more alike than I ever realized.

  45

  IT’S RAINING AGAIN. I’D HAD the thought that I might take Kitty and Jamie to the park after school, but that’s out now. Instead I sit in bed and curl my hair and watch the rain shoot down like silver pellets. Weather to match my mood, I suppose.

  In the midst of our breakup, I forgot about the game. Well, now I’m remembering all too well. I will win. I will take her out. She can’t have Peter and win the game. It’s too unfair. And I will think of some perfect wish, some perfect something to take from her. If only I knew what to wish for!

  I need help. I call Chris, and she doesn’t pick up. I’m about to call again, but at the last second I text John:

  Will you help me take out Genevieve?

  It takes a few minutes for him to write back.

  It would be my honor.

  John settles into the couch and leans forward, looking at me intently. “All right, so how do you want to do this? Do you want to flush her out? Go black ops on her?”

  I set down a glass of sweet tea in front of him. Sitting next to him, I say, “I think we have to run surveillance on her first. I don’t even know what her schedule is like.” And . . . if in winning this game, I find out her big secret, well, that would be a nice bonus.

  “I like where your head is at,” John says, tipping his head back and drinking his tea.

  “I know where they keep the emergency key. Chris and I had to pick up a vacuum cleaner from her house once. What if . . . what if I try to get under her skin? Like I could leave a note on her pillow that says I’m watching you. That would really creep her out.”

  John nearly chokes on his iced tea. “Wait, what would that even get you?”

  “I don’t know. You’re the expert at this!”

  “Expert? How am I an expert? If I was really any good, I’d still be in the game.”

  “There’s no way you could have known I’d be at Belleview,” I point out. “That was just your bad luck.”

  “We have a lot of coincidences. Belleview. You being at Model UN that day.”

  I look down at my hands. “That . . . wasn’t a total coincidence. It actually wasn’t a coincidence at all. I went there looking for you. I wanted to see how you turned out. I knew you’d be in Model UN. I remembered how much you liked it in middle school.”

  “The only reason I joined was so I could work on my public speaking. For my stutter.” He stops. “Wait. Did you say you went there for me? To see how I turned out?”

  “Yeah. I . . . I always wondered.”

  John’s not saying anything; he’s just staring at me. He sets down his glass abruptly. Then he picks it back up and puts a coaster under it. “You haven’t said what happened with you and Kavinsky that night after I left.”

  “Oh. We broke up.”

  “You broke up,” he repeats, his face blank.

  That’s when I notice Kitty lurking in the doorway like a little spy. “What do you want, Kitty?”

  “Um . . . is there any red pepper hummus left?” she asks.

  “I don’t know—go check.”

  John is wide-eyed. “This is your little sister?” To Kitty he says, “The last time I saw you, you were still a little kid.”

  “Yeah, I grew up,” she says, not even a little bit nicely.

  I throw her a look. “Be polite to our guest.” Kitty turns on her heels and runs upstairs. “Sorry about my sister. She’s really close with Peter and she gets crazy ideas. . . .”

  “Crazy ideas?” John repeats.

  I could slap myself. “Yeah, I mean, she thinks that something’s going on with us. But obviously there isn’t, and you don’t, like, like me like that, so, yeah, it’s crazy.” Like, why do I speak? Why did God give me a mouth if I’m just going to say dumb stuff with it?

  It’s so quiet I open my mouth to say more dumb stuff, but then he says, “Well . . . it’s not that crazy.”

  “Right! I mean, I didn’t mean crazy—” My mouth snaps shut, and I stare straight ahead.

  “Do you remember that time we played spin the bottle in my basement?”

  I nod.

  “I was nervous to kiss you, because I’d never kissed a girl before,” he says, and picks up the glass of sweet tea again. He takes a swig, but there’s no tea left, just ice. His eyes meet mine, and he grins. “All the guys gave me such a hard time afterward for whiffing it.”

  “You didn’t whiff it,” I say.

  “I think that was around when Trevor’s old brother told us he made a girl . . .” John hesitates, and I nod eagerly so he’ll go on. “He claimed he gave a girl an orgasm just by kissing her.”

  I let out a shrieky laugh and clap my hands to my mouth. “That’s the biggest lie I ever heard! I never saw him talk to even one girl. Besides, I don’t think that’s even possible. And if it was possible, I highly doubt Sean Pike was capable of it.”

  John laughs too. “Well, I know it’s a lie now, but at the time we all believed him.”

  “I mean, was it a great kiss? No, it wasn’t.” John winces and I quickly continue. “But it wasn’t an altogether terrible one. I swear. And listen, it’s not like I’m an expert on kissing anyway. Who am I to say?”

  “Okay okay, you can stop trying to make me feel better.” He sets down his glass. “I’ve gotten much better at it. That’s what the girls tell me.”

  This conversation has taken a strange and confessional turn, and I’m nervous but not in a bad way. I like sharing secrets, being coconspirators. “Oh, so you’ve kissed that many, huh?”


  He laughs again. “A respectable number.” He pauses. “I’m surprised you even remember that day. You were so into Kavinsky, I don’t think you even noticed who else was there.”

  I push him in the shoulder. “I was not ‘so into Kavinsky’!”

  “Yes you were. You kept your eyes on that bottle the whole game, like this.” John picks up the bottle and lasers his eyes at it. “Waiting for your moment.”

  I’m bright red, I know I am. “Oh, be quiet.”

  Laughing, he says, “Like a hawk on its prey.”

  “Shut up!” Now I’m laughing too. “How do you even remember that?”

  “Because I was doing the same thing,” he says.

  “You were staring at Peter too?” I say it like a joke, to tease, because this is fun. For the first time in days I’m having fun.

  He looks right at me, navy-blue eyes sure and steady, and my breath catches in my chest. “No. I was looking at you.”

  There’s a humming in my ears, and it’s the sound of my heart beating in triple measure. In memory, everything seems to happen to music. One of my favorite lines from The Glass Menagerie. If I close my eyes I can almost hear it, that day in John Ambrose McClaren’s basement. Years from now, when I look back on this moment, what music will I hear then?

  His eyes hold mine, and I feel a flutter that starts in my throat and moves across my collarbone and chest. “I like you, Lara Jean. I liked you then and I like you even more now. I know you and Kavinsky just broke up, and you’re still sad, but I just want to make it unequivocally clear.”

  “Um . . . okay,” I whisper. His words—they come clearly; they don’t miss in either direction. Not even a trace of a stutter. Just—unequivocally clear.

  “Okay, then. Let’s win you a wish.” He takes out his phone and pulls up Google Maps. “I looked up Gen’s address before I came over here. I think you’re right—we should take our time, assess the situation. Not go in half-cocked.”

  “Mm-hm.” I’m in a sort of dream state; it’s hard to concentrate. John Ambrose McClaren wants to make it unequivocally clear.