Zombie Revolution

by K. Bartholomew

  Witnesses make reports of widespread violence and even cannibalism.

  Our newest reports say violence has now spread to other parts of Yorkshire and even beyond.

  Meanwhile, the Prime Minister plays basketball with the American President.

  We pay tribute to our veteran journalist Matthew Mottram who died earlier today reporting on the violence.

  Six

  “David, are you sure you don’t have any more pressing matters to be dealing with right now?” The American President was donned in white tie for the evening.

  “Shaka, it’s all under control. Besides, I really do think it’s best we give the impression of business as usual. We can’t be allowing mindless thugs to dictate things around here. If we did then where would it end?”

  They were in the Mansion House. In a few moments they’d enter the banqueting hall to a rapturous applause and the evening’s festivities and speeches would begin.

  “So you’re in for North Korea after the election?”

  “As long as we can get a full majority this time and we can ditch this bloody coalition, then of course.”

  “The liberals?”

  “They’ll resign en masse if we go to war, it’s kind of their schtick, pretending to give a damn. But the opposition are on board.”

  “So whether you win or lose, it’s on!”

  “If the opposition win, they’ll bankrupt the country and then we won’t be able to afford to war with you, Shaka.”

  “Well, we’ll need our friends in the media to stay on our side then. Get them fully behind a Conservative victory at the election. The people will do as they’re told.”

  “They always do.” Sterling checked his watch, nearly time to go in. “The media will want something back in return for supporting this.”

  “You talking sex scandals? Thinking of throwing one of your coalition buddies to the wolves?”

  “I was thinking more along the lines of changing the law to allow greater press freedom. I’ll have to discuss it with Rupert.”

  The host was heard through the speakers. He gave a short speech and announced the guests of honour. “Please give a warm welcome to the Mansion House, The Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and the President of the United States of America.”

  The giant oak doors swung open. The two men stood in the threshold as the applause rippled gradually throughout the hall. Three hundred guests from the UK’s elite sat at giant, immaculately set out tables. Sterling and Bankole stepped down the red carpet, shaking hands as they sauntered toward table number one. Their wives were already situated when they sat.

  “I have a hankering for the duck.” Bankole said, glancing at the menu.

  “Good choice, Mr…” Sterling was distracted as a black suited secret service officer in shades whispered into the President’s ear. Worse, he then took hold of the President’s elbow and gently prompted him to his feet.

  Bankole squinted down at the table, twenty VIP’s looking back, then three hundred. “Ladies, gentleman, I’m sorry but I’m afraid I must go.”

  Sterling stood, alarmed at this sudden negative headline making move. “Mr President? What’s happening? Speak to me.”

  The President leaned in close to Sterling, so only he could hear the words. “I’m sorry David, but I’ve been told there are riots breaking out only a hundred and fifty miles from here. We can’t take the chance. Air Force One is waiting. I’m sorry.”

  Sterling watched, helpless, as the President left, amidst a large security detail.

  This would be embarrassing.

  BBC News - 2 November, 22:00

  The headlines at ten:

  As the American President storms out of the Mansion House banquet, we hear how the riots have spread as far south as Nottingham.

  We’ll be hearing from our undercover reporter in Leeds.

  The first video phone footage is appearing on Youtube showing random acts of extreme violence.

  We hear from a government source who says there is little evidence of looting and typical rioting behaviour and that what we’re dealing with is something entirely different.

  The Home Secretary advises all northern residents to remain indoors until order is restored.

  Daily Mirror - 3 November 2014

  Prime Minister Dithers On COBRA

  The Prime Minister, David Sterling, continues to dither running into day three of what the media has now termed the Northern Riots, drawing comparisons to his handling of the 2011 London riots.

  While the confirmed death toll has now run into the hundreds, the Prime Minister has been busy playing basketball and attending state banquets. One anonymous Downing Street insider has also accused Sterling of being more concerned with his new Twitter account than with taking charge of events.

  The PM’s first Tweet was sent out only minutes after the confirmed death toll reached 100. The PM Tweeted, “If Larry the Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Office can have a Twitter account, then why can’t I?”

  The distasteful PM may by now be aware, however, that the actual death toll is expected to be in the many thousands. One source confirmed that little if any information has come out from Leeds which, in this age of instant communication is a cause for extreme concern. Several TV crews have been reported missing, which has added to the blackout.

  However, the internet is now awash with rumour, with videos from all over the north now appearing on Youtube and Facebook. One grainy video appeared to show one woman dressed in a Royal Mail uniform with her hands inside the chest of a paramedic. Another video, which had gone viral, was entitled ‘Man Eats Man In Front Of School Kids.’ The video rapidly reached over one million views before Youtube pulled it for reasons of extreme graphic and gratuitous violence.

  One commenter from Scotland said, “You English have gone insane, we’re better off without you!”

  Another commenter in America sensibly asked, “Just what is going on in England? I have family over there. Stay safe everybody.”

  Violence, including cannibalism has now been reported as far south as Nottingham and Derby. But we can now reveal that there have been unconfirmed reports of trouble as far north as Newcastle, which should give cause for Scottish concerns.

  As events transpire, we can also take note of the many acts of heroism that are beginning to filter through to us. One Facebook user from Bolton, Lancashire, posted on her Timeline, “OMG, some zombie looking freak had me pinned against the pub wall, then some guy took him out with a traffic cone. Never been so scared in all my life! Thank you mystery stranger.”

  Another from Sheffield said, “Just saved some bird from certain annihilation at the mouth of some hungry looking beast. Stuck my thumbs in his eyeballs, which barely seemed to faze the f****r. No s**t! T**t bit me though, right before I cracked his skull against the curb. Teach him! Anyone got any plasters? Lol.”

  The jilted Prime Minister was left with egg on his face last night as the American President humiliated him by walking out of the state banquet at the Mansion House. Sources have confirmed that President Bankole is now back on Air Force One, en route to Washington D. C.

  As developments progress, we here at the Daily Mirror feel exasperated at the lack of action from the top. The Prime Minister has thus far not even called to attendance the COBRA committee. This caused one Westminster blogger to draw comparisons to the 2011 summer riots when the Prime Minister was away on holiday. “Perhaps Dave should think about slinking off on his next vacation. What difference would it make anyway? People are only dying in the thousands.” The Daily Mirror agrees with this sentiment.

  Seven

  Sterling tore apart a copy of the Daily Mirror and threw the shreds in the direction of Angela Curtis. “I thought you had this fucking thing under control?”

  “No, Prime Minister, I advised you to call COBRA!”

  “How many dead?” He demanded, glaring at his Home Secretary.

  “We’re not quite sure, but it’s looking bad.”
>
  “How bad? As in London riot bad? Or as in Haiti 1804 bad? Or how about Hiroshima bad?”

  “I’d say Haiti is pretty close, sir.”

  They were in the Prime Minister’s Downing Street Office along with several key cabinet, police and military officers, a COBRA meeting in all but name. It was thought prudent and necessary to forego the teas, coffees and biscuits for the meeting.

  “Bells, tell my press secretary to run a statement through to all friendly newspapers, if any still exist…Tell him that I’ve had a meeting with key government advisers, that I’m fully aware of the situation, that I’m dealing with the fucking thing.” Sterling paused, thinking about the final detail. “Tell him that the advisers included personnel who would ordinarily attend the COBRA committee, but under no circumstances put out that I’ve held a COBRA meeting. You got that?”

  “Yes, Prime Minister.” Bells left the room as Larry crept in through the opened door.

  “Actually, Haiti is pretty close in more ways than one, Angela. What did they do to the French?”

  “They ate them, sir.”

  “Correct. They cannibalised them. It’s Haiti 1804 all over again, except this is on a much grander scale. Once the richest island in the Caribbean, now look at the place. Oh Jesus, that damned cat.”

  General Wall, the highest ranking British army officer, had for too long sat in silence, glaring a hole through Sterling’s head. “Prime Minister, you may have to consider the option I laid down to you.” Sterling wondered how he managed to keep such a stern face throughout the meeting. It was as though the General had no emotions but come to think of it, this was pretty serious business.

  “It wasn’t really a good option, General.”

  “No. But your cuts have decimated the army, sir. And the Scottish are drawing up urgent plans as we speak.”

  The Scots were planning on laying down a makeshift barbed wire fence, which could be deployed almost immediately. It just so happened a factory produced barbed wire fences for farms and roadsides only a few miles from the border, on the Scottish side. They didn’t expect the barbed wire to stop these deranged cannibalistic lunatics, but it would slow them down enough for the nearby troops and tanks to take them down.

  “Cutting the country in half and abandoning the north is not really an option, General.” But so far, it was the only option that had been put forth that was even remotely plausible. He considered doing what the Scots were doing, though further south and with no troops or tanks. The geography of England was so that it was far wider where the proposed line would be situated, as compared to the Scottish line. Common sense dictated that the longer it was delayed, the further south the line would have to be deployed, cutting off more people and costing more votes at the coming general election. Sterling had earlier spoken to the relevant people in Scotland and was assured that any English heading north would be assured safe passage across the border. It was hoped that if the line was constructed, then refugees would come pouring over it. “I’m afraid I still need more time on this, General.”

  “How much time?” Angela butted in.

  “Oh, I don’t know. This is not easy. I never expected anything like this when I came into politics.” He sat down with a thump, squishing the air out from under the leather. “I just wanted to make a name for myself, maybe make a difference in the process and be remembered for something good.”

  “You’ll be remembered.” Angela remarked under her breath. “How much time, sir?”

  “Well how much is all this going to cost? There is that one small matter of the deficit.”

  The General scanned down a sheet of paper in his folder, stopping his finger on a number. “Five hundred million, sir.”

  “What?”

  “That’s if we go for the cheapest option, the barbed wire. However, I also suggest we bring in the diggers and build trenches. We don’t have tanks, but due to the recession, we have diggers, plenty of them. They’ve not been doing anything and quite honestly, the road gang will be happy for the work.”

  “Cost?”

  “We’re looking at a figure around the two and a half billion mark. Then you have to look at the cost of forced purchasing orders when we have to kick people out of their homes. Though in all honesty, the FPO’s will be a concern for the next government, not yours.”

  “Ok,” the Prime Minister conceded.

  “With respect, Prime Minister, you’re fucking finished. Your one job now is to stay out of the fucking way while we try and rescue as much of the population as possible.”

  “How dare you, sir!” Sterling stood and thumped his desk. “Isn’t your retirement approaching, General?”

  “I don’t give a fuck about that! You can’t lie, spin and typical fucking politician your way around half the fucking country turning into flesh eating monsters. Just do your job!” The General stood, shoved his chair away and bounded out the room.

  Angela looked at the Prime Minister. “Don’t worry, he just wanted to get that off his chest. He told me he was going to say it. But he’s still on side, he’s still the best we have and the only one with a plan. We just need your say so and we can start rolling out this barbed wire.”

  Sterling sat, downed his water and breathed deeply. “Is there really no other option?”

  “Sir, the news just showed footage of a small child being dragged from her mother’s arms by an elderly woman dripping with blood. As for the government…We’re losing allies by the hour. The election’s going to be an uphill battle.”

  “What’s the latest?”

  “So far, they don’t seem to have passed Nottingham. But it’s only a matter of time.”

  “Then let’s roll out the bloody wire. Let’s go with option A. The cheap one.” He slapped his table. “Let’s do it.”

  BBC Newsnight - 3 November, 22:30

  Jeremy Paxman interviews Home Secretary, Angela Curtis in the BBC London studio.

  Paxman: Home Secretary, where is the Prime Minister?

  Curtis: The Prime Minister has been busy attending meetings with COBRA personnel, which includes relevant ministers along with high ranking police and army officers. He has been working night and day, taking a lead on circumstances and trying to bring our country back to normality.

  Paxman: Home Secretary, where is the Prime Minister?

  Curtis: As I’ve just told you, Jeremy, the Prime Minister is busy trying to save our country. He is taking a leading roll; attending meetings with COBRA personnel and making the tough decisions that will bring a sense of normality back to the lives of our people.

  Paxman: Home Secretary, where is the Prime Minister?

  Curtis: Are we going round in circles here, Jeremy?

  Paxman: Perhaps he thinks that sending you out to face the music is what Prime Ministers ought to do, while he hides in Downing Street as many millions of lives are at risk from an unknown enemy?

  Curtis: The Prime Minister’s job is to deal with crises as and when they arrive and as I’ve already told you, Jeremy, that is exactly what he’s taking a leading role with.

  Paxman: Not called a COBRA meeting? Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do in times of national crises?

  Curtis: The Prime Minister has held high-level meetings with essential members of the cabinet, armed forces, police and local government. This will of course include members of the COBRA committee.

  Paxman: So a COBRA meeting in all but name?

  Curtis: I think I’ve already answered your question, Jeremy.

  Paxman: It’s not got anything to do with Chiles Warburton, not having a COBRA meeting has it?

  Curtis: Don’t be silly, Jeremy.

  Paxman: Ok, let’s move on. Let’s take one city at random shall we. Manchester - Our third city. The BBC has a new broadcast studio up there with over two thousand staff members. We can’t get word out from them. Last we heard, there were a few hundred locked in the cafeteria. As for the city itself - I’m sure you’ve seen the many Youtube videos. It’s finished!
What are you doing about it?

  Curtis: Well, it’s a major part of our government’s strategy in combatting this threat, that we’re constructing a large electrified fence stretching across the entire country; west to east, from north of Aberystwyth in Wales, passing through south of Leicester in the midlands and finishing just north of Great Yarmouth in the east. It’s…

  Paxman: …Excuse me, Home Secretary, but are you just going to be cutting off people in Derby, Shrewsbury, Nottingham, Stoke, Lincoln, Sheffield, Bradford and other great towns and cities?

  Curtis: No of course not! The fence will include checkpoints every thirty miles or so where we envisage thousands, hopefully millions of refugees will be flooding through. Look, Jeremy, we have to draw the line somewhere and our top military planners have chosen this line for a reason.

  Paxman: Go on.

  Curtis: This line takes into account major towns that have so far not been affected, but cuts off those that have. It also takes into account major roads, countryside and terrain where building such a fence would be easier and more practical. And for those watching at home, we really do beg of you to travel south of the line with haste.

  Paxman: Do you really think a bit of barbed wire is going to stop these people? They seem pretty hell-bent on eating everybody in their path.

  Curtis: Well the fence will of course be electrified, as I’ve already said, Jeremy. But it will also be reinforced by local police and volunteers. We will also be bringing up from the south, other police and volunteers to man the fence. We’re trying to evoke a kind of wartime spirit, reminiscent of the Home Guard from the forties.

  Paxman: Why don’t you bring our troops back from abroad?

  Curtis: Because, Jeremy, it would take many weeks for them to arrive back home and we plan on having this situation resolved within a few days. Really, there’s nothing to panic about.