Then she lay down on her side, giving him her back, and she reached over and flicked off her bedside lamp, leaving just the soft hall light.
It seemed that for Charlotte, forgetting about this was exactly what wasn’t going to happen.
Chapter Four
It was always the same, the hour and a half spent driving to the women’s prison, the sense of urgency and restlessness. They left after breakfast. Eva had already changed outfits twice. She had been up at five, and he was sure she hadn’t slept well. She sat in the back seat of the Subaru for the relatively easy drive. He knew she was on edge, but at least she’d stopped asking if she’d get to see her mom.
Marcus still hadn’t received a call back from the warden. He wasn’t sure what was up with her and why she was being so obstinate. He was sure she was sending him a message so he understood that he had no say in how she ran things.
He glanced over to Charlotte, who’d said nothing to him other than to ask whether he wanted eggs and to give him his coffee. In fact, she’d feigned sleep the night before when he climbed into bed and tried to pull her closer. He wasn’t liking how frigid and icy things had turned. But now wasn’t the time to get into it.
He also realized, as he drove, that Charlotte needed something more than his words, his pleas to give him time to figure out where he was. Marcus didn’t have commitment issues, and even thinking it now had him glancing back to Eva, whose only worries and angst were about wanting to see her mother. Charlotte was staring straight ahead, sunglasses on, and not once had she looked his way. Right, the wall was up.
He pulled into the parking lot of the prison, which was almost full, and spotted the lineup to go in. He wondered how many of the faces would be the same ones he saw every week. A few of the faces behind bars were those of women he’d been responsible for putting there.
He turned off the engine and flicked his gaze to the rear-view mirror just as Eva unbuckled her seatbelt. He glanced over to Charlotte and reached over to her, touching her arm, taking in her light blue blouse, blue jeans, and hoodie. She turned her head but didn’t take her sunglasses off.
“We’ll talk later,” he said.
“About?” she replied. Boy, the woman could hold on to things.
He slid his hand down her arm and settled it on the back of her hand, feeling her trying to fight the way she wanted him. She was tense, but he didn’t pull away. “I think you know,” he said. “You shut me out, but that’s not the way to handle this. I love you. I think you know that.”
“Marcus, can we go in? I want to see Mommy.” Eva stood up in the back, touching his seat.
He turned his head to her. “Yes, let’s go.”
When Charlotte didn’t say anything, he patted her hand twice and climbed out after tucking his sunglasses in the center console. He pulled open Eva’s back door, and she hopped out. Charlotte walked around the front of the car, taking in the prison, the people lined up. Her sunglasses were now gone, and her gaze couldn’t hide anything from him.
He held Eva’s hand as he started walking, and Charlotte fell in beside him and slipped her hand into his other hand, leaning against him with a gentle nudge.
“I know you do,” was all she said.
They lined up and waited their turn. He looked to Eva, who hadn’t let go of his hand, and then over to Charlotte, who lingered beside him, touching him.
She looked up to him. “You know I just want it all with you,” she added, then let out a breath, because there was just something about the way she said it, the way she was touching him. She really was all in with him, so why wasn’t he down on one knee, asking her to be his, officially, permanently, forever?
He gave his head a shake and looked up to the sky, seeing the clouds. Instead of saying anything, he just squeezed Charlotte’s hand.
It was their turn. As they passed the guards, he worried for a moment about being told there would be no visitors for Reine, but they made it into the visiting area and sat at a table, and Charlotte was now sitting in a chair with Eva on her lap. He didn’t know what she was saying, but he knew she was trying to ease some of Eva’s fears.
Marcus took in the guards, a few of the inmates that he’d personally arrested, and then he saw her. Reine was being led in. Her face had a red mark, a bruise. Her dark hair was tied back, and her prison garb was unflattering. She walked right over and called Eva, who jumped from Charlotte’s lap and ran to her mom and hugged her. All Marcus could do was take in the guards, who he knew would step in if it went too far.
Reine squatted down and hugged Eva, lifting her hazel eyes to meet Marcus’s, and he took in the fear and sadness and something else that he hadn’t seen before. Then she reached up and pulled at Eva’s arms, which were around her neck.
“Come on, Eva,” she said. “Sit down and tell me everything you did this week. You look so happy, so pretty.”
Charlotte hugged Reine before she sat across the table from them, and Marcus rested his hand on her shoulder. It was all he could offer. He took a seat, Eva sitting between him and Charlotte, and just listened to the back and forth of mother and daughter as Eva talked nonstop about his family, her cousin Alison, and everything that had gone on with them over the past few weeks.
He tuned out what they were saying, wondering what had happened to Reine to leave such a bruise on her face. There was just something about the guards watching and the other inmates there. Everything seemed so unsettled. Maybe it had always been, but it seemed there was something more.
“What happened?” he finally said to Reine, knowing their two hours were almost up. He gestured to his face.
She shrugged and kept her hands linked together on the table in front of her. “I slipped, is all. It’s nothing. I was just clumsy.” She pulled her gaze from him.
He knew it wasn’t true and wondered if it had anything to do with her being in solitary.
“Eva, you know I love you very much,” Reine said. “Visiting hours are almost over, so I want to talk to Marcus alone. Would you mind staying a bit?” She pulled her gaze from Eva and gave everything to him. He knew there was something she didn’t want to share in front of her daughter.
“No, Mommy! I don’t want to go yet…”
“Hey, Eva, we’re going to come back,” Marcus said, “but I want to have a talk with your mom, okay? It’s going to be okay.” He glanced to Charlotte, who he knew understood. That was just another thing he loved about her.
“Hey, Eva, come on, it’s okay,” she said. “Marcus just needs to make sure your mom is okay. Let them talk. We’ll see her again.”
He wasn’t sure how she did it, but Charlotte somehow managed to get Eva up, and Marcus gestured to the guard, because as Reine was hugging her daughter, the woman strode over.
“Her daughter’s leaving,” Marcus said. “She’s just saying goodbye.” He didn’t want a repeat incident or to have to worry she’d be written up.
The guard must have understood, as her dark eyes lingered for a second before she nodded.
Reine held Eva tight, and she swiped at a tear that slipped out. When she pushed her daughter away, he could see that it had taken everything in her, considering that was the kind of love someone couldn’t hide. “You go on now,” she said, “and remember I love you. Be a good girl this week for Marcus and Charlotte.”
Marcus just watched as Charlotte held Eva’s hand and they walked to the door, to the guard, and left. When he turned back to Reine, he could see she was having a hard time. She sat back down, wiping her tears and sniffling, but she quickly pulled it together and blew out a breath, long and loud.
Marcus sat across from her and took in her face, the face of a woman who, in his mind, didn’t belong here. “So are you going to tell me what happened to your face? We both know you didn’t fall. Last week when we came, you were in solitary. What happened?”
She lifted her gaze, and he wasn’t sure he liked what he saw. “I never thought I’d have to watch my back every waking hour in here. It
seems my daughter living with a cop, one who put a few in here, has put a target on me. Doesn’t matter who did this. Nothing will happen. Solitary…what can I say? I never saw it coming. It’s so easy for someone who has it out for you to say you did something when you didn’t.”
“I can talk to the warden,” he started, but she was shaking her head.
“No, please don’t, because that would only make it worse. You think she doesn’t know what goes on in her prison? Of course she does, and so do the guards. It seems I was the only one who didn’t. Who could have ever figured I’d be trading one way of survival out there for another in here? I’ll be fine,” she added, then glanced over her shoulder. He wondered which of the inmates or guards she was terrified of.
“Keep your head down,” he said. “Don’t make waves. So which one is causing you some heat? Is it someone I put away?” he asked, hoping she’d tell him. But at the same time, even if she did, what could he do from the outside? Nothing.
“A few of them,” she said. “It only adds fuel to the fire when you come here with Eva. They know my daughter is living with a cop, one who’s responsible for them being here. Didn’t expect it, but at the same time, Eva seems happy. I’m glad for that.” She clasped her hands tightly, doing her best to keep it together. “You said you would look after her, and you have.”
“I promised you. She is looked after, and we care very much that she’s okay. She misses you, though.”
She lifted her gaze, and he locked on to the hardness he’d seen from her only one time. “I can see you care for my daughter, you and Charlotte—but I need to know if you love her.” She didn’t pull her gaze from his.
“Yeah,” he said. “She’s found a way into my heart, and Charlotte’s, and my family’s, too. How could we not? She’s part of our family now.”
Reine only nodded and pulled in another breath. “Then this will make it easier. I don’t want you to bring her here again.”
He wasn’t sure he’d heard her correctly. “What? No, I can’t do that. She needs to see you. As hard as this is, it’s important for Eva…”
But Reine was shaking her head, so damn determined. “No, you listen to me. She can’t come anymore. If she does, I’ll turn you away, all of you. This time here is difficult and damn hard, but I can do it if I know she’s loved and looked after, and I see that. I mean, even when I get out of here in how many years, then what? No. You said you would take her, and I gave you guardianship of her. I signed away my rights. Would you give them back when I get out and let Eva go?
“And then what? If anything, I’ve had a rude awakening. What she has with you, I’m not going to be able to give that to her. Where would I take her? I don’t know. It would be hard. All I can remember since Eva was a baby has been hardship and stress. Yes, I love her, but when I see her now, I don’t want her coming into this place anymore. You’ll keep Eva?”
The way she said it, he knew something had happened in here, and it was making her do the one thing he’d never expected her to do, give up her daughter.
“Of course we’ll keep Eva. We’ve never talked about when you get out, but we’ll work it out, Reine. You’re still her mother. What you’re talking about now is never seeing her again, and I know Eva wouldn’t be okay with that. What about your father? I know you’ve heard from him.”
He heard the guards announce the end of visiting hours, but he needed more time. Reine stood up. Around them, he could hear other inmates saying goodbye.
“Yes, I’ve seen my dad,” she said. “Maybe that’s why I’m doing this. In his way, he loves me, but he has a life somewhere else. He asked to take Eva, and I considered it…but after what happened to drive us apart, even though I’m sure he’d do his best for Eva, I don’t want that for her. After I get out, she’ll be how old? She’ll be loved, settled, with a life. I can’t yank her from that.”
“Reine, listen to me. Don’t do this. We’ll figure something out. Don’t give up…”
She was shaking her head as she stood before him. “Just let me know how she’s doing. Send me photos. But I’m serious, Marcus: Don’t come back here again. Don’t bring Eva with you, because you’ll be taken off my visitation list. Tell me now that you’ll keep Eva. I gave you guardianship. I’ve signed away my rights. Will you and Charlotte take her, adopt her? Please…”
It would be too easy to say yes.
“You’ll regret it one day if we do,” he said, “and she’ll hate you and be angry because she can’t see you.”
The guard was coming their way. Everyone was leaving, and she had to go, and so did he—but he still had so much to say to her.
“Maybe so, Marcus, but I need to know you won’t abandon her.” She lifted her gaze just as the guard drew closer. He could see the panic, the way she was getting ready to fight if he didn’t say what she needed to hear.
“I’d never abandon her,” he said. “Of course we’ll keep her, but it doesn’t have to be this permanent.”
Reine turned and started walking to the open door that led to the cell block, the one the other prisoners had already gone through, but she glanced back to him. “Yes, it does,” she said. “Because I love her so much, I can give her up to you and Charlotte. Keep her happy.”
Then she was gone, and he was the only one left. He took in the guard and his open door, and he started walking. He didn’t have a clue how he’d get Eva to understand.
Chapter Five
“So this is where you’re hiding out,” Karen said as she strode out the front door of Ryan and Jenny’s house to join him on the porch, where he sat in the dark alone. “Charlotte’s filling everyone in on what happened.”
The streetlights were on, and he could hear the sounds of his family, of everyone inside the house. Karen wore a blue and white cotton dress with a white sweater pulled overtop, her legs and feet bare. Her hair was pulled up in a messy bun, and she was holding a glass of white wine as she sat in one of the porch chairs beside him.
“You know, it may not be a bad thing…” she started. Maybe the dark look he gave her was why she stopped talking and let out a sigh.
“And how’s that?” he said. “Reine got a fucked-up deal, and now she wants to give her kid away.” He knew that wasn’t the way of it, but at the same time, he didn’t have a clue what he was going to say to Eva. It would crush her, hearing that she couldn’t see Reine again. “Maybe in a few weeks, she’ll change her mind. Let’s hope she does.”
His sister didn’t say anything for a second, just lifted her glass and took a swallow of wine. His let his gaze linger on the glass, wondering how many she’d had—two, maybe three.
“So is Jack okay with you finishing that wine?” he said. “Is he still on water or has he decided to join the rest of us in a beer or something?”
What was it about the thought of Jack that made him want to argue?
“He thinks we drink too much,” she said, “that we don’t have our own lives. This weekly thing of seeing each other, barbecuing, and just being together seems excessive to him. At the same time, he’s well aware I’m not asking his permission to have a glass of wine. And we’re not talking about me and Jack, anyway. This is about that little girl in there. What are you going to do? Just so you know, Reine called me from that jail after you left, so I already knew. She’s serious, Marcus. It’s not that she’s going to cut Eva out. She wants to know her, but at this point, her release is a long way down the road, and she’s not seeing that far ahead right now. She doesn’t know what’s going to happen, but she wants—no, needs to know that Eva will have some permanence right now.”
“So you’re saying we should adopt her.” He didn’t pull his gaze from Karen, who, instead of taking another swallow of her wine, rested it on the porch beside her and then linked her hands together.
“I’m saying that right now, Reine’s main concern is making sure there’s something permanent for Eva. She’s just trying to survive, and her dad has made some noise about taking Eva. I think she
fears that he’ll do it and she won’t be able to stop him from where she is. I know only what she’s shared with me about him, but he’s volatile at times, or he was. He has another life now, and although he’s changed some, she said much about him is the same, and she doesn’t want Eva to ever feel as smothered as she did or to have to choose as she did. You and Charlotte have done amazing with Eva. Let me ask you this: Have you given any thought to five years down the road? Eva will be eleven when her mother is out. What would you do, just let her show up and take Eva? She won’t be a little girl anymore. She’s already part of our family. Would you just let her go?”
What was it about that question? He knew it was on everyone’s mind, and it haunted him. He’d pushed the thought from his mind so many times, because he couldn’t imagine just letting her go. He went to reach for the beer he didn’t have and instead rested his hands on the arms of the wooden deck chair.
“I haven’t let myself go there—which you know is something I don’t do. I can’t imagine her not being with us. Maybe it’s changed since I said we’d take her. I never thought she’d steal a piece of my heart. I watch Charlotte with her, reading to her every night, helping her with counting, letters, printing, everything a first-grader does. She started school here. She’s always with one of us or with Mom when we’re working. I know she counts on us, but I also know this will crush her, not being able to see Reine. Will we adopt her? I can’t believe you’d ask that. Is it even a question? Of course we will. It’s done. What I don’t understand is why Reine feels the need to cut her out completely and not see her. Eva looks forward to those visits. She’s her mother still, no matter whether we adopt her. When we do, I’m the one who’s going to have to tell Eva, and I haven’t figure out how yet. She’ll be crushed.”
Karen was giving him everything. Something in those O’Connell blue eyes of hers held so many secrets. “You know what, Marcus? I know you’ll figure out what to say. If you want us there, you know you just have to ask—but I agree with you on Reine. Maybe she will change her mind down the road, but right now she’s doing the best she can in an impossible situation, making a decision she believes is the best thing for Eva. That’s not a mother who’s being selfish. She loves her daughter so much that she can see that you and Charlotte can give her more, give her the family she wants for her.
#5--The Commitment--O’Connells Page 3
