Works of Robert W Chambers

by Robert W. Chambers

  And it was of that importance that Geraldine was now thinking as she sat on the edge of her bed, darkly considering these new problems that chance was laying before her one by one.

  If Scott was going to be unhappy without Kathleen, it followed, as a matter of course, that he must have Kathleen. The chances Kathleen might take, what she might have to endure of the world’s malice and gossip and criticism, never entered Geraldine’s mind at all.

  “If he is in love with you,” she repeated, “it settles it, I think. What else is there to do but marry him?”

  Kathleen shook her head. “I shall do what is best for him — whatever that may be.”

  “You won’t make him unhappy, I suppose?” inquired Geraldine, astonished.

  “Dear, a woman may be truer to the man she loves — and kinder — by refusing him. Is not that what you have done — for Duane’s sake?”

  Geraldine sprang to her feet, face white, mouth distorted with anger:

  “I made a god of Duane!” she broke out breathlessly. “Everything that was in me — everything that was decent and unselfish and pure-minded dominated me when I found I loved him. So I would not listen to my own desire for him, I would not let him risk a terrible unhappiness until I could go to him as clean and well and straight and unafraid as he could wish!” She laughed bitterly, and laid her hands on her breast. “Look at me, Kathleen! I am quite as decent as this god of mine. Why should I worry over the chances he takes when I have chances enough to take in marrying him? I was stupid to be so conscientious — I behaved like a hysterical schoolgirl — or a silly communicant — making him my confessor! A girl is a perfect fool to make a god out of a man. I made one out of Duane; and he acted like one. It nearly ended me, but, after all, he is no worse than I. Whoever it was who said that decency is only depravity afraid, is right. I am depraved; I am afraid. I’m afraid that I cannot control myself, for one thing; and I’m afraid of being unhappy for life if I don’t marry Duane. And I’m going to, and let him take his chances!”

  Kathleen, very pale, said: “That is selfishness — if you do it.”

  “Are not men selfish? He will not tell me as much of his life as I have told him of mine. I have told him everything. How do I know what risk I run? Yes — I do know; I take the risk of marrying a man notorious for his facility with women. And he lets me take that risk. Why should I not let him risk something?”

  The girl seemed strangely excited; her quick breathing and bright, unsteady eyes betrayed the nervous tension of the last few days. She said feverishly:

  “There is a lot of nonsense talked about self-sacrifice and love; about the beauties of abnegation and martyrdom, but, Kathleen, if I shall ever need him at all, I need him now. I’m afraid to be alone any longer; I’m frightened at the chances against me. Do you know what these days of horror have been to me, locked in here — all alone — in the depths of degradation for what — what I did that night — in distress and shame unutterable — —”

  “My darling — —”

  “Wait! I had more to endure — I had to endure the results of my education in the study of man! I had to realise that I loved one of them who has done enough to annihilate in me anything except love. I had to learn that he couldn’t kill that — that I want him in spite of it, that I need him, that my heart is sick with dread; that he can have me when he will — Oh, Kathleen, I have learned to care less for him than when I denied him for his own sake — more for him than I did before he held me in his arms! And that is not a high type of love — I know it — but oh, if I could only have his arms around me — if I could rest there for a while — and not feel so frightened, so utterly alone! — I might win out; I might kill what is menacing me, with God’s help — and his!”

  She lay shivering on Kathleen’s breast now, dry-eyed, twisting her ringless fingers in dumb anguish.

  “Darling, darling,” murmured Kathleen, “you cannot do this thing. You cannot let him assume a burden that is yours alone.”

  “Why not? What is one’s lover for?”

  “Not to use; not to hazard; not to be made responsible for a sick mind and a will already demoralised. Is it fair to ask him — to let him begin life with such a burden — such a handicap? Is it not braver, fairer, to fight it out alone, eradicate what threatens you — oh, my own darling! my little Geraldine! — is it not fairer to the man you love? Is he not worth striving for, suffering for? Have you no courage to endure if he is to be the reward? Is a little selfish weakness, a miserable self-indulgence to stand between you and life-long happiness?”

  Geraldine looked up; her face was very white:

  “Have you ever been tempted?”

  “Have I not been to-night?”

  “I mean by — something ignoble?”

  “No.”

  “Do you know how it hurts?”

  “To — to deny yourself?”

  “Yes.... It is so — difficult — it makes me wretchedly weak.... I only thought he might help me.... You are right, Kathleen.... I must be terribly demoralised to have wished it. I — I will not marry him, now. I don’t think I ever will.... You are right. I have got to be fair to him, no matter what he has been to me.... He has been fearfully unfair. After all, he is only a man.... I couldn’t really love a god.”

  CHAPTER XIII. AMBITIONS AND LETTERS

  Rosalie had departed; Grandcourt followed suit next day; Sylvia’s brother, Stuyvesant, had at last found a sober moment at his disposal and had appeared at Roya-Neh and taken his sister away. Duane was all ready to go to New York to find out whether his father was worrying over anything, as the tone of his letters indicated.

  The day he left, Kathleen and Geraldine started on a round of August house parties, ranging from Lenox to Long Island, including tiresome week ends and duty visits to some very unpretentious but highly intellectual relatives of Mrs. Severn. So Scott remained in solitary possession of Roya-Neh, with its forests, gardens, pastures, lakes and streams, and a staggering payroll and all the multiplicity of problems that such responsibility entails. Which pleased him immensely, except for the departure of Kathleen.

  To play the intellectual country squire had been all he desired on earth except Kathleen. From the beginning White’s “Selborne” had remained his model for all books, Kathleen for all women. He was satisfied with these two components of perfect happiness, and with himself, as he was, for the third ingredient in a contented and symmetrical existence.

  He had accepted his answer from her with more philosophy than she quite expected or was prepared for, saying that if she made a particular point of it he would go about next winter and give himself a chance to meet as many desirable young girls as she thought best; that it was merely wasting time, but if it made her any happier, he’d wait and endeavour to return to their relations of unsentimental comradeship until she was satisfied he knew his mind.

  Kathleen was, at first, a little dismayed at his complacency. It was only certainty of himself. At twenty-two there is time for anything, and the vista of life ahead is endless. And there was one thing more which Kathleen did not know. Under the covering of this Seagrave complacency and self-centred sufficiency, all alone by itself was developing the sprouting germ of consideration for others.

  How it started he himself did not know — nor was he even aware that it had started. But long, solitary rambles and the quiet contemplation of other things besides himself had awakened first curiosity, then a dawning suspicion of the rights of others.

  In the silence of forests it is difficult to preserve complacency; under the stars modesty is born.

  It began to occur to him, by degrees, that his own personal importance among his kind might be due, in part, to his fortune. And from the first invasion of that shocking idea matters progressed rather rapidly with the last of the Seagraves.

  He said uneasily to Duane, once: “Are you going in seriously for painting?”

  “I am in,” observed Duane drily.

  “Professionally?”

&n
bsp; “Sure thing. God hates an amateur.”

  “What are you after?” persisted Scott. “Fame?”

  “Yes; I need it in my business.”

  “Are you contemplating a velvet coat and bow tie, and a bunch of the elect at your heels? — ratty men, and pop-eyed young women whose coiffure needs weeding?”

  Duane laughed. “Are they any more deadly than our own sort? Why endure either? Because you are developing into a country squire, you don’t have to marry Maud Muller.” And he quoted Bret Harte:

  “For there be women fair as she,

  Whose verbs and nouns do more agree.”

  “You don’t have to wallow in a profession, you know.”

  “But why the mischief do you want to paint professionally?” inquired Scott, with unsatisfied curiosity. “It isn’t avarice, is it?”

  “I expect to hold out for what my pictures are worth, if that’s what you mean by avarice. What I’m trying to do,” added Duane, striking his palm with his fist as emphasis, “is not to die the son of a wealthy man. If I can’t be anything more, I’m not worth a damn. But I’m going to be. I can do it, Scott; I’m lazy, I’m undecided, I’ve a weak streak. And yet, do you know, with all my blemishes, all my misgivings, all my discouragements, panics, despondent moments, I am, way down inside, serenely and unaccountably certain that I can paint like the devil, and that I am going to do it. That sounds cheeky, doesn’t it?”

  “It sounds all right to me,” said Scott. And he walked away thoughtfully, fists dug deep in his pockets.

  And one still, sunny afternoon, standing alone on the dry granite crags of the Golden Dome, he looked up and saw, a quarter of a million miles above him, the moon’s ghost swimming in azure splendour. Then he looked down and saw the map of the earth below him, where his forests spread out like moss, and his lakes mirrored the clouds, and a river belonging to him traced its course across the valley in a single silver thread. And a slight blush stung his face at the thought that, without any merit or endeavour of his own, his money had bought it all — his money, that had always acted as his deputy, fought for him, conquered for him, spoken for him, vouched for him — perhaps pleaded for him! — he shivered, and suddenly he realised that this golden voice was, in fact, all there was to him.

  What had he to identify him on earth among mankind? Only his money. Wherein did he differ from other men? He had more money. What had he to offer as excuse for living at all? Money. What had he done? Lived on it, by it. Why, then, it was the money that was entitled to distinction, and he figured only as its parasite! Then he was nothing — even a little less. In the world there was man and there was money. It seemed that he was a little lower in the scale than either; a parasite — scarcely a thing of distinction to offer Kathleen Severn.

  Very seriously he looked up at the moon.

  It was the day following his somewhat disordered and impassioned declaration. He expected to receive his answer that evening; and he descended the mountain in a curiously uncertain and perplexed state of mind which at times bordered on a modesty painfully akin to humbleness.

  Meanwhile, Duane was preparing to depart on the morrow. And that evening he also was to have his definite answer to the letter which Kathleen had taken to Geraldine Seagrave that morning.

  “Dear,” he had written, “I once told you that my weakness needed the aid of all that is best in you; that yours required the best of courage and devotion that lies in me. It is surely so. Together we conquer the world — which is ourselves.

  “For the little things that seem to threaten our separation do not really alarm me. Even if I actually committed the inconsequential and casual thing that so abruptly and so deeply offended you, there remains enough soundness in me at the core to warrant your charity and repay, in a measure, your forgiveness and a renewal of your interest in my behalf.

  “Search your heart, Geraldine; question your intelligence; both will tell you that I am enough of a man to dare love you. And it takes something of a man to dare do it.

  “There is a thing that I might say which would convince you, even against the testimony of your own eyes, that never in deed or in thought have I been really disloyal to you since you gave me your heart.... Yet I must not say it.... Can you summon sufficient faith in me to accept that statement — against the evidence of those two divine witnesses which condemn me — your eyes? Circumstantial evidence is no good in this case, dear. I can say no more than that.

  “Dearest, what can compare to the disaster of losing each other?

  “I ask you to let me have the right to stand by you in your present distress and despondency. What am I for if not for such moments?

  “That night you were closer to the danger mark than you have ever been. I know that my conduct — at least your interpretation of it — threw you, for the moment off your guarded balance; but that your attitude toward such a crisis — your solution of such a situation — should be a leap forward toward self-destruction — a reckless surrender to anger and blind impulse, only makes me the more certain that we need each other now if ever.

  “The silent, lonely, forlorn battle that has been going on behind the door of your room and the doors of your heart during these last few days, is more than I can well endure. Open both doors to me; leagued we can win through!

  “Give me the right to be with you by night as well as by daylight, and we two shall stand together and see ‘the day break and the shadows flee away.’”

  That same evening his reply came:

  “My darling, Kathleen will give you this. I don’t care what my eyes saw if you tell me it isn’t true. I have loved you, anyway, all the while — even with my throat full of tears and my mouth bitter with anger, and my heart torn into several thousand tatters — oh, it is not very difficult to love you, Duane; the only trouble is to love you in the right way; which is hard, dear, because I want you so much; and it’s so new to me to be unselfish. I began to learn by loving you.

  “Which means, that I will not let you take the risk you ask for. Give me time; I’ve fought it off since that miserable night. Heaven alone knows why I surrendered — turning to my deadly enemy for countenance and comfort to support my childish and contemptible anger against you.

  “Duane, there is an evil streak in me, and we both must reckon with it. Long, long before I knew I loved you, things you said and did often wounded me; and within me a perfectly unreasoning desire to hurt you — to make you suffer — always flamed up and raged.

  “I think that was partly what made me do what you know I did that night. It would hurt you; that was my ignoble instinct. God knows whether it was also a hideous sort of excuse for my weakness — for I was blazing hot after the last dance — and the gaiety and uproar and laughter all overexcited me — and then what I had seen you do, and your not coming to me, and that ominous uneasy impulse stirring!

  “That is the truth as I analyse it. The dreadful thing is that I could have been capable of dealing our chance of happiness such a cowardly blow.

  “Well, it is over. The thing has fled for a while. I fought it down, stamped on it with utter horror and loathing. It — the encounter — tired me. I am weary yet — from honourable wounds. But I won out. If it comes back again — Oh, Duane! and it surely will — I shall face it undaunted once more; and every hydra-head that stirs I shall kill until the thing lies dead between us for all time.

  “Then, dear, will you take the girl who has done this thing?

  “Geraldine Seagrave.”

  This was his answer on the eve of his departure.

  And on the morning of it Geraldine came down to say good-bye; a fresh, sweet, and bewildering Geraldine, somewhat slimmer than when he had last seen her, a little finer in feature, more delicate of body; and there was about her even a hint of the spirituel as a fascinating trace of what she had been through, locked in alone behind the doors of her room and heart.

  She bade him good-morning somewhat shyly, offering her slim hand and looking at him with the slight unc
ertainty and bent brows of a person coming suddenly into a strong light.

  He said under his breath: “You poor darling, how thin you are.”

  “Athletics,” she said; “Jacob wrestled with an angel, but you know what I’ve been facing in the squared circle. Don’t speak of it any more, will you? ... How sunburned you are! What have you been about since I’ve kept to my room?”

  “I’ve painted Miller’s kids in the open; I suppose the terrific influence of Sorolla has me in bondage for the moment.” He laughed easily: “But don’t worry; it will leave nothing except clean inspiration behind it. I’ll think out my own way — grope it out through Pantheon and living maze. All I’ve really got to say in paint can be said only in my own way. I know that, even when realising that I’ve been sunstruck by Sorolla.”

  She listened demurely, watching him, her lips sensitive with understanding; and she laughed when he laughed away his fealty to the superb Spaniard, knowing himself and the untried strength within him.

  “But when are you coming back to us, Duane?”

  “I don’t know. Father’s letters perplex me. I’ll write you every day, of course.”

  A quick colour tinted her skin:

  “And I will write you every day. I will begin to-day. Kathleen and I expect to be here in September. But you will come back before that and keep Scott company; won’t you?”

  “I want to get into harness again,” he said slowly. “I want to settle down to work.”

  “Can’t you work here?”

  “Not very well.”

  “Why?”

  “To tell the truth,” he admitted, smiling, “I require something more like a working studio than Miller’s garret.”

  “That’s what I thought,” she said shyly, “and Scott and I have the plans for a studio all ready; and the men are to begin Monday, and Miller is to take the new gate cottage. Oh, the plans are really very wonderful!” she added hastily, as Duane looked grateful but dubious. “Rollins and Calvert drew them. I wrote to Billy Calvert and sent him the original plans for Hurryon Lodge. Duane, I thought it would please you — —”