The Stolen Breath

by L. G. Davis

  As I had feared, Lea has grown more attached to her. Sometimes only Madison can comfort her when she cries.

  She’s crying again now after napping for over two hours. I rush out of my room only to find Madison already in her nursery.

  I appreciate her and I’m grateful for all she does, but sometimes I can’t help feeling like she’s taking over my life. Or maybe I’m being paranoid. At least that’s what Anita thinks when I confide in her.

  I consider insisting on holding Lea, but I know my baby is happiest in Madison’s arms, especially after waking up.

  “You don’t have to worry your head about Miss Lea,” Madison says without looking at me. As usual, her gaze is fixed on Lea’s tiny face. “Enjoy your alone time. We’ll be heading out soon anyway.”

  “Where are you going?” I fold my arms and lean against the doorframe.

  Madison meets my eyes. “To the park. Lea loves it there. And tomorrow we’re going to our baby group.”

  “Oh. Maybe I should come with you two.”

  “No,” Madison says almost too quickly. “I’m meeting up with other nannies for a picnic. It’s been planned for a while.”

  “All right then.” I leave without saying anything more.

  An hour later, they leave. Madison did not take a picnic basket, or any food with her. Did she lie about the picnic?

  To keep myself from spending too much time inside my head, I finally pack more of Andrew’s belongings into boxes. Some things will go to Goodwill and the sentimental stuff I want to keep will go to the basement. My pain might lessen if I don’t have to see my husband’s things every day.

  I stand inside the walk-in closet we had shared, my nose pressed into a navy-blue shirt I gave him on our first Christmas as husband and wife. I use the same shirt to wipe away my tears. It’s one of the things I’ll keep.

  Next, I decide to tackle the wardrobe inside Madison’s room.

  I’m surprised and a little insulted when I find the door locked. I stand at the door for a moment, trying my best to calm my racing heart.

  As soon as my heart settles, I get a key from a living room drawer. What Madison doesn’t know is that each room has two keys. Andrew was obsessed with having a duplicate of most things.

  When I make it back to the guest room, my throat is so dry that even my saliva is unable to quench it.

  I slide the key into the lock and pause. What if there’s something in there that she doesn’t want me to see?

  But what if she has nothing to hide and she’s only trying to safeguard her privacy?

  In spite of a tiny bit of guilt, something inside me forces me to keep going. And now it isn’t just about cleaning, it’s to find out more about Madison. She hardly ever speaks about herself. Every time I ask her about her life, she changes the subject.

  What if she’s hiding something?

  But what if she’s not?

  There’s only one way to find out. I push the door open and the scent of her mango shampoo hits me hard, making me momentarily nauseous.

  I stand in the middle of the room. My gaze sweeps it from corner to corner.

  She’s a neat freak. Everything is in its place. The bed is well made and the pillows are properly positioned against the headboard.

  My eyes go to the suitcases pushed underneath the bed. Before I can change my mind, I drop to my knees beside the bed, pull out one of the suitcases, and quickly rummage through it.

  I don’t know what I’m looking for. I don’t care. I have to satisfy the curiosity that has me firmly in its grip.

  The first two cases have nothing in them to raise my suspicions. Only clothes and scarves; in fact, too many scarves. While some people collect shoes, I guess Madison’s obsession is scarves.

  I take another breath and hold it in, waiting a few seconds before releasing it. Then I take my time unzipping the second suitcase.

  Instead of clothing, it only has one thing inside it, a photo album. I’m sort of relieved, but also disappointed because I expected to find something to confirm my uncomfortable suspicions.

  I sit down on the floor and place the album on my lap. Then I flip open the cover. A soft gasp slips past my lips the moment my eyes land on a name written in a neat handwriting in blue ink.

  My daughter’s.

  Trying not to think about anything at all, I flip to the next page.

  Photos of my baby are displayed on each page, carefully labeled and marked with dates. Dozens of them, beautiful photos that I would’ve cherished if they were mine.

  A trickle of sweat is sliding down my spine. It has nothing to do with the warmth of North Carolina in late spring.

  What does it all mean?

  I flip through the album some more until I come to empty plastic pockets waiting to be filled with more memories.

  A shuffle downstairs catches my attention. Someone is in the house. They’re back already? I’m surprised to see that it’s already been an hour since they left.

  While a part of me tells me to ask Madison about the album, I can’t. She would want to know why I was going through her personal belongings.

  I do my best to leave everything the way I found it and rush out of the room, locking the door behind me. Once I’ve reached my room, the guilt I feel for invading Madison’s personal space is weighing heavy on my heart.

  It takes a few minutes for me to realize that I no longer hear sounds downstairs. I must have been imagining it all.

  Suddenly I miss Lea, so I give Madison a call.

  “Is everything all right?” she asks after she hears my voice.

  “Yeah... Yes, of course. How’s the picnic?”

  “It’s great. Lea is having a great time. We’ll be home in about an hour,” I can hear noises I can’t define in the background. “Sorry, Delia, I have to go. Lea needs me.” Madison hangs up before I can say goodbye.

  I wrap my arms around my cramping stomach. I don’t feel well. Something is going on, but I can’t put my finger on it.

  I need to speak to someone about it. Instead of calling Anita, I go to her house, and I find Kelly’s car parked in Anita’s driveway.

  The fact that Anita is Kelly’s patient again must mean she’s going through something she can’t talk to me about. I feel like turning around to go back home. I wouldn’t want to disturb their session.

  Anita opens the door before I can walk away. She must have seen me through the window.

  “Hey, Delia, are you all right?” she asks, taking my hand.

  “I’m not sure. Do you think we could talk?”

  Kelly comes to stand next to Anita. “Delia, what a surprise to see you! I’ve been trying to get in touch.”

  “Hi, Kelly. I hope I’m not disturbing anything. I wanted to have a quick word with Anita.”

  I haven’t spoken to Kelly since the day after our first session, when I told her I don’t need her anymore. Anita still doesn’t know.

  “Of course,” she says with a kind smile. “We’re done anyway. Anita, call me about our next appointment.”

  “I didn’t know you were seeing Kelly again,” I say as soon as Kelly gets into her car.

  Anita closes the door. “It’s only been a couple of days. Do you want a cup of tea? You look like you need one.”

  “No, I’m not staying. I just... Maybe this is silly, but I saw something today.” I follow Anita into the living room and sink down onto the couch.

  “What happened?” She crosses her legs at the ankles. “You look terrible.”

  “I was going through Madison’s things.”

  “What? Why?” Anita flinches, looking at me as if I’d confessed to a crime.

  I shrug as warmth floods my cheeks. “She and Lea went to the park and I was tidying up some of Andrew’s old things. Then, I just found myself in her room and—” I draw in a breath. “In one of her suitcases, I found an album filled with photos of Lea.”

  “I don’t understand.” Anita frowns. “You mean—”

  “Every photo in t
he album was of Lea. Madison must have been collecting them for a while.”

  Silence falls between us. Then Anita takes my hand in hers. “Delia, it doesn’t have to mean anything. Madison clearly loves your daughter. There’s nothing wrong with her keeping photos of her.”

  “What if she loves her too much?”

  I also find it strange that Madison felt the need to have a printed album. Most people’s photos are stored on their electronic devices. Why would she go to the trouble of having them printed?

  “You’re still afraid she might replace you, aren’t you?”

  “Of course not. I know she can’t do that.” I wish I could believe what I’m saying. “I find it strange, that’s all. Why would she have a whole album with my daughter’s photos? And why wouldn’t she show it to me?”

  “I don’t know.” Anita pushes a hand through her hair. “I guess she wants to collect memories for when she leaves. It could also be that she wants to give the album to you as a gift. She spends a lot of time with Lea. There are moments you might miss and she might want to capture them for you.”

  That has to be it. I suddenly feel stupid. “I think you’re right. I feel so guilty now for going through her things.”

  “But at least you know she’s harmless. You didn’t find any other things, did you?”

  “No, but I do find it strange that she locks her bedroom.”

  “That’s not strange. Some people just don’t like others entering their personal space. And that’s okay.”

  “I hate that you’re always right.” I put an arm around her shoulders, feeling relieved. “What are you going through? What’s Kelly helping you cope with?”

  Anita looks away from me. “I lied to you. The truth is, I’ve been thinking about drinking again.”

  “Thinking of doing it or have you—”

  “No, I haven’t. But I came close several times.”

  “What do you think triggered the urge to drink again?”

  “Greg sent me an email a few weeks ago. He told me he still loves me and wants us to get back together.”

  “I thought he was in prison.”

  “Yes, he was. I thought he would stay there for a couple more years. He tried to kill me.”

  My stomach clenches. “I don’t understand. Why would they let someone like him out early?”

  “Apparently, they shortened his sentence for good behavior.”

  “Oh, my God. But he doesn’t know where you are, does he?”

  “I don’t think so. I hope not.”

  “Do you think he’ll be able to figure out that you’re in Sarton?”

  “I don’t think so. I don’t know. I hope he doesn’t. I’m scared, Delia. That’s why I keep wanting to drink again. It was the only comfort I knew for a long time.”

  “Anita, you can always talk to me. I’m here. I’m your friend.” I pull her slim body into my arms and hold her tight. After a few heartbeats, I let her go and look into her eyes. “You should have told me this. You don’t have to suffer alone. You’ve always been there for me. I want to be there for you.”

  “You’re going through enough. You don’t need to be burdened with my issues as well.”

  “That’s ridiculous. Don’t ever say that. I’m here, always.”

  “Thank you, Delia. You are an amazing friend.”

  We hug again until I stand up to leave. I make Anita promise that she will call me every time she feels the urge to drink, so I can talk her out of searching for comfort at the bottom of a bottle.

  When I get home, I’m surprised to find that Madison and Lea are back.

  The moment I walk into the house, I know something is wrong. The atmosphere is not as light as I had left it.

  “Where’s Lea?” I ask, trying hard to stay calm.

  “I put her down for a nap,” Madison says and holds something up. “I found this in my room. It’s yours, isn’t it?” There’s no hint of a smile on her lips.

  One of my red velvet scrunchies is hanging from her finger.

  “I found it on my bed. I thought you might want it back.”

  Warmth floods my cheeks. “Madison,” I start. “I didn’t mean to... I was just—”

  “Where you in my room?” she asks, her tone cool.

  “Yes. Sorry about that. I wasn’t sure when you’ll be back. I needed something important from the room. I used a spare key.”

  “That’s okay,” she says in the same cool tone. “Anyway, here’s your scrunchie.” She gives it to me and storms out of the living room.

  She doesn’t need to say more for me to know she’s annoyed.

  I don’t think she believed a single word I said.

  Chapter 8

  Madison and Lea are about to step out the door, when I hurry down the stairs.

  “You know what, Madison,” I say, breathless. “I’ll do it today. I’ll take Lea to the play group.”

  Madison is silent for far too long, and in this instant, I know I’m right. I don’t care what Anita or anyone says. Madison is trying to distance me from my baby.

  “But they don’t know you there,” she says, her voice strained.

  “Then it’s time to introduce myself.” My words are accompanied by a tiny smile. “You stay home and take a break. Since you started, you’ve barely taken a day off.”

  “I don’t need to take a day off,” she says, holding Lea closer to her chest.

  “Madison, everyone deserves a day off to do what they like.”

  “I agree, but I enjoy taking care of this little sweetie. It’s relaxing for me.”

  “I understand that, but I also find it enjoyable to spend time with my baby.” My eyes never leave hers as I move forward to take Lea from her arms.

  “Can I please have the address of the play group.” I place my hand behind Lea’s head, relieved that she’s not crying. She knows I’m her mother.

  Madison reluctantly writes down the address for me and I take Lea to the car.

  Madison is at the living room window. When she sees me watching her, she drops the curtain.

  “It’s mommy and Lea’s day,” I say to Lea, and she giggles.

  The play group is only a few blocks from our house, in what was once a dance studio.

  Before I step out of the car, my phone rings. It’s Anita.

  “Where are you?”

  “I’m at the play group with Lea. I told Madison I’ll take her today.”

  “And how did she react?”

  “I don’t think she was pleased at all. I know you said not to feel jealous of her, but I really have a feeling that she’s trying to distance me from Lea.”

  “Again, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. But I do think it’s great that you’re spending more alone time with Lea.”

  “Me too. I lost too much time. And now I feel like I can actually enjoy her.”

  “You sound like you’re in a good place.”

  “I am. The overwhelm is lifting, I think.” As much as I’m starting to feel uncomfortable around Madison, she has helped me more than I could have ever imagined. But now that I almost feel like myself again, I’m starting to think I might end our arrangement earlier than we agreed.

  “Great. Have fun with your girl.” Warmth echoes from Anita’s voice. “By the way, Kelly mentioned that she hasn’t been able to reach you. Is everything all right?”

  “Everything is fine. It’s just that I don’t need her anymore. I actually didn’t go back after our first session.”

  “Why? What happened? I thought she was really helping you. You said you liked talking to her.”

  “She did help me, but I’m all better now.” I’m determined to get back on my feet and take control of my life on my own instead of using someone else as a crutch. I’m no longer as much of a mess as I used to be before Madison and Kelly came into our lives.

  Anita is quiet for a split second, and then she sighs. “All right, have fun with Lea at the play group. Let me know how it goes.”

 
“Sure. I’ll give you a call later.” I’m relieved that she’s not making a huge deal out of my decision to stop therapy.

  After we end the call, I glance behind me at my little girl. She’s sitting in her car seat, biting her little fist.

  “We’ll be all right, baby girl. Mommy is so much better now.”

  When she giggles, warmth radiates through my chest.

  Lea is still giggling when I carry her into the building.

  As soon as I enter, a woman with long braids and skin the same rich brown as her eyes approaches me and extends her hand.

  “Hi, I’m Jennifer. Welcome to Bunny Babies. You must be new here.” She glances down at Lea. “Hello, little girl. You are certainly not new.” She gives Lea her index finger and my daughter wraps her fingers around it. “I didn’t know you were bringing your nanny today. Where’s your mommy, you cute little bug?” I stare at her in shock when she brings her attention back to me.

  “Did you say I was Lea’s nanny?” I struggle to keep my voice calm.

  “Sorry, are you not?” Her face creases with confusion. “Are you her aunt?”

  I clear my throat to give myself a chance to calm down. “No. I’m her mother.”

  “Oh.” Jennifer’s fingers touch the base of her throat. “I’m sorry about the confusion. It’s just that—” she shakes her head. “Never mind. It’s nice to meet you, Lea’s mother.”

  “It’s nice to meet you as well, Jennifer. But what were you about to say to me?”

  “I don’t know what you mean.” She folds her arms across her chest and shifts from one foot to the other. Even though her smile doesn’t waver, I’m clearly making her uncomfortable.

  “You wanted to say something to me, but you stopped yourself.”

  “Well...we all thought Madison was Lea’s mom,” she says softly.

  “Why? Why would you think that?” As much as I dread the answer, I still want to hear it. I want her to confirm my suspicions.

  Jennifer’s forehead wrinkles in confusion. “Madison told us she’s Lea’s mom.”

  “I see.” I pull Lea closer to me. It’s not Jennifer’s fault. Why would she question Madison when she said she was Lea’s mother? It’s no one’s fault but mine. I neglected my child. I should have been taking care of her myself instead of handing over my responsibilities to someone else. “I’m sorry for the confusion,” I say in a friendlier tone. “To clarify, Madison is actually Lea’s sitter. She’s staying with us.”