The No Contact Rule

by Natalie Lue

  If someone is not respecting your boundaries in and out of the relationship, continuing to offer yourself and your boundaries up is not going to change the situation and that’s still the same case even when you have boundaries, because having them runs counter to their own agenda. They’re showing that they’re unable to behave with care, trust and respect and you have the right to remove yourself for a time or even permanently.

  In healthy relationships, not being in touch after a breakup is something entirely normal and not regarded as the silent treatment. If the other party doesn’t hear back, they rightly assume that this person is not in a good place right now and grieving, or that they’re trying to move on with their own life and not ready to go there yet. There doesn’t have to be any animosity about this and your conscience is clear on the silent treatment front as long as NC is with a view to moving on, not to coerce them into doing what you want.

  It’s also important to note that if you have been involved with someone who is quite conscientious, they will empathise with your position even if they don’t entirely agree with it, and respect that you need the space and time to deal with things in whatever manner you choose. Someone who isn’t too caught up in themselves will make the connection between what has occurred and what you’re doing and respect the inevitable space that the situation has brought about.

  It’s not a game

  You’ve already seen game-playing crop up in the first two reasons and that’s simply because it tends to be at the heart of misuse and misinterpretation. NC is not the relationship equivalent of a ‘Get Rich Quick Scheme’ as you’re more likely to get hurt quick.

  If you’re seeking a shortcut to ‘make’ the person give you the relationship that you want, you’re barking up the wrong tree because aside from being childish, it’s like obtaining goods by deception and ultimately they will do a bait and switch on you, so they will regain control and you will have to play games all over again. You will also never be able to feel confident that the person is there because they want to be and value you, not because they were manipulated and coerced into the relationship. Plus, if you know them well enough, you’re unlikely to feel confident that they’re not playing their own game. It all becomes a bit cat and mouse.

  Playing games undermines your credibility and you may be playing a game where you don’t even know the rules. If they are someone who at best takes advantage of, or at worst, abuses you, game-playing is like giving them the green light to treat you badly when they already think that they have the ‘right’ to do so. Don’t give them that opportunity.

  It’s not just for ‘really, really bad people’

  First of all, one person’s idea of a ‘bad’ person and yours may be two very different things. You’re not God, Judge Judy or a higher power – all you have to do is judge the situation even if it means judging yourself out of it. It’s not about being ‘good’ vs ‘bad’; it’s about recognising that there are certain types of behaviour and situations that, whether it’s one thing or twenty things, renders the possibility of a healthy relationship a no-go.

  They may have their ‘good points’, but the truth is, most people do. Even serial killers on death row have people madly in love with them. NC doesn’t mean that you have judged the person as ‘bad’ but what it does mean is that you’ve judged the situation to be unhealthy and impervious to basic boundaries. If you look beyond the moment or the short-term, eventually most people are not in touch with most of their exes. This is normal and called moving on. They don’t think of it as NC (even if it started that way) – they’re just living their lives. Your ex will still be able to go about their life. They’re not under some sort of court order or subjected to every man and his dog judging them for whatever has gone down in the relationship. You’re not going NC because they’re a bad person; you’re going NC because you want to move on.

  You also have to get over this idea that you don’t have the right to leave or the right to no longer feel that this relationship is meeting your needs, expectations and wishes. There doesn’t have to be any ‘bad’ reason for going NC or just breaking up. Relationships stop working and dates don’t work out. You are entitled to take the personal space you need to come to terms with your disappointment and the loss of this relationship and to move on. You cannot hold yourself hostage in a cack-handed attempt to live your life by consensus because believe me, when this person is ready to move on or even take their own space, they won’t be looking for your permission!

  WHEN NC IS MOST APPROPRIATE

  1) When they can’t commit but are still trying to maintain you as an option. This is tough. It’s not about them being a ‘bad’ person but what it is about is recognising that you have needs too and they’re valid and if they’re not able to commit, they’re not available for a relationship. Them trying to keep you in their life so that they don’t have to commit to that decision and so that they also get the opportunity to take you on in case they change their mind will cripple your self-esteem and any chances of a friendship or even a reconciliation further down the line. When you break, you break. They can’t commit to being with you but they can’t commit to not being with you either so you have to commit to NC.

  2) When you have low self-esteem. Again, it’s not about the other party being a ‘bad’ person but if you don’t treat yourself with love, care, trust and respect, what someone else is giving you, even if it’s not very much, feels like a lot because it’s still more than you’re giving yourself. You will put this person on a pedestal and overvalue their contribution while crushing yourself. They’re just not that special. Whether you came into this relationship with low self-esteem or it’s been lowered, NC is likely to be needed because taking care of your wellbeing is not your priority. As a result of likely prioritising their feelings, needs, wishes and expectations while giving yourself a hard time and acting like you don’t matter as much, you’re going to end up in considerably more pain. This has a knock-on effect because if you judge yourself on a perspective gained from what you perceive as your screw-ups or flaws, that affects your mindset and behaviour, which affects your choices, which affects who you’ll become involved with. NC is a self-esteem builder.

  3) When they’re already in a relationship with someone else. If they’re still trying to continue a relationship with you or are at the very least trying to keep you as an option while being with someone else, NC will shut this shadiness down. Right down. If you’ve already had the affair, you’ll find that NC becomes pivotal as it protects you from being drawn back in on the fake promise of them leaving. If you haven’t had an affair but they’re tapping you up for one, NC will close it down right now and communicate that you’re not available. If you thought you were going to have an affair or you fell for them while they were involved with someone else and hoped that they’d leave, NC is very much needed so that you can grieve the loss of your hopes and expectations and more importantly address why you were willing to go down this road.

  4) When mixed messages through engaging is creating more pain. Although they may have respected your boundaries in the relationship, they’re getting mixed messages by a continued ‘friendship’ or are not accepting that the relationship is over, making it difficult for you (and them) to move on. Equally, if you’re getting mixed messages or even making up your own interpretation in spite of what they’ve said or done, NC is imperative for clear messages on both sides. Basically if you’re not over them but you’re trying to continue being around them, you’re actually hurting yourself unnecessarily.

  5) When they’re stalking you. It doesn’t matter if they were nice as pie in the relationship – if they’re stalking you now that the relationship is over, NC and involving the law are necessary. If you’ve even been tempted to stalk this person, an enforced time out for you is critical for helping you to regain control of yourself.

  6) When they’re abusive. Trying to be friends or tip-toeing around someone who has already abused you sends mixed messages plus
it’s like giving them a clean slate as they assume that you engaging with them means that their behaviour is acceptable or forgiven, or even that you accept liability for their mistreatment. You don’t need to appease an abuser – you need to act with self-preservation and with additional support, you need to distance yourself.

  7) When they’re a user. Using is abusing although it may have taken a while to recognise that they’ve been exploiting a perceived vulnerability in order to gain an advantage. 99% of users will not admit to being a user because it’s not how they like to see themselves or they’re not going to admit to it, otherwise the advantage ends. Using feels like using and losing, and that’s all that you need to know. If you feel that you’re being taken advantage of, it’s because your inner self (that you’ve likely been ignoring) recognises it.

  8) When there’s codependency. If you don’t know where they begin and you end, you’ve got problems, especially if it feels as if you can’t live with or without them, and gaining approval and attention from them is ‘necessary’ or even ‘critical’. This includes when they’re addicted to something – for the future wellbeing of you both, it’s vital that you separate and take responsibility for your own lives. You also feature here if the feeling that you associate with letting go of this relationship is ‘abandonment’.

  9) When you don’t truly know the person. There’s a lot of people collecting ex-dates, people they chatted briefly (or even sexted) with online before they disappeared for a time, crushes, extended flirtations and the list goes on – they’re people who rent space in their lives despite being almost strangers or greatly exaggerated in their minds. If you’re the type of person who can cope with this, that’s one thing (you’re probably not) but the rot sets in when you have some level of attachment to all of these people and are basically trying to keep them as an option in case one of them spontaneously combusts into being a fairy-tale ending. If you’re an option, you’re not available.

  10) When you’ve lost your own respect. As a result of your involvement, you’re doing things that you now or in the future will come to regard as at best embarrassing and at worst humiliating.

  11) When there are boundary issues. When you or they didn’t respect your boundaries in the relationship and are continuing the habit outside of it, NC is critical because it removes the opportunity for them to harm you plus it allows you to respect your own boundaries in the process, something that isn’t going to happen if you continue engaging.

  WHERE NOT TO APPLY NC… AT LEAST NOT INITIALLY…

  To break off a relationship for the first time.

  Unless they’re abusive, the first time that you break up, you should let them know that you’re ending it. No Contact comes after the breakup and isn’t the breakup in its entirety. If you use NC to break up for the first time for no other reason than that you don’t want to have an awkward conversation, this isn’t NC; it’s disappearing – something that’s not only cowardly, but can be extremely painful for the person on the receiving end.

  The truth is that you wouldn’t want it to be done to you and if you were able to find your way in to this relationship, you can manage the courtesy of a breakup and an explanation before you make your exit because if you don’t, that person may end up feeling very rejected and chasing you down for an explanation or even giving themselves an unnecessarily hard time.

  If you are in an abusive relationship or you suspect that this person may cause you harm, I would highly recommend that you plan your exit carefully and that you speak with a professional including the police, a legal representative, a therapist or support service as well as a trusted friend or family member so that you can make a safe exit. The reason that you can go straight to NC is that abuse negates the need for you to explain and abusive people can be highly manipulative by switching to the charm offensive and/or being very threatening when you try to end things. They may appear calm and then do something destructive or cause you physical harm. Hence a planned exit where you have support to protect you and help you stick to your guns is critical. I talk about this subject in the chapter on The Get Out Plan.

  To end your marriage.

  Cutting contact isn’t the way to let someone know that your marriage is over, unless it’s an abusive one. Not only do you need to stay in touch for your divorce but it’s a pretty nasty way to end a relationship with someone you were prepared to legally bind yourself to! While you can use it for the person who won’t respect your boundaries, this is after you’ve told them that the marriage is over and you’ve already tried the traditional breakup route. Once you’ve stated that it’s over and they show that they don’t want to accept it or respect your boundaries, defer to a mediator or legal representative.

  Why A Traditional Breakup Isn’t Going To Cut It

  1.The person who needs to be cut off has an intense need to control you in and out of the relationship. They mistake desire to control you for desire and so when they feel out of control (i.e. when you end things), they will feel consumed by the desire to get you back ‘on side’.

  2.Even if they appear to initially go along with the breakup, they can actually start looking to get the fringe benefits of a relationship without the commitment or treating you appropriately.

  3.If you have a pattern of having slack boundaries and your own mismatched actions and words, your credibility is undermined so they don’t take you seriously and believe that you’ll ‘come round’.

  4.They are intent on keeping you as an option should they have a purpose for you at a later date or change their mind – by never removing you as an option, they also never have to admit that they’re wrong or have to deal with the fact that they’ve made mistakes, or even just deal with what should be the natural consequences of their decision; you no longer being available.

  5.They often regard you like property – they’d rather you were miserable and an option for them than happy with someone else. They may even think that you moving on to something better would make them look like a mug/asshole, especially if they’ve been telling lies about you to their friends and family…

  6.They have their own major issues with rejection and abandonment – it then becomes like you can’t be done until they decide that they’re done.

  7.You ending it may actually resurrect an old hurt which may trigger anger or even rage, or push them into an intense mode of Future Faking (promising or implying a future, including saying that they’ll change in order to get what they want in the present) and Fast Forwarding (trying to speed you back into the relationship using emotional, physical and possibly sexual intensity to distract from and distort the main issues) to convince you to come back.

  8.A lack of respect and empathy means that not only do your needs not come into the equation but as a result of not being able to understand your position or the impact of their actions on you, boundaries cannot be respected. Hence a breakup cannot be respected.

  9.They know they cannot give you what you want but they like your company, enjoy your friendship or ego stroking, or don’t see why you should deny each other the pleasure of sex – they feel OK about things, so they assume that you do or ‘should’ do too.

  10.They may be trapped by their feelings, something that you may also be experiencing. These can be feelings of anger, rejection or their vision of things, but if it’s very intense, a traditional breakup won’t pierce their bubble.

  Is No Contact Permanent?

  NC is as permanent as you want it to be, but the golden rule is that you can only restart or accept contact when you are completely over him/her and have moved on. I suggest making it permanent for someone that has added little or no value to your life and has in fact detracted from it by treating you without love, care, trust and respect. There is no point in keeping contact for ego’s sake, as it will mostly be their ego that gets massaged.

  At the bare minimum, NC should be enforced for around 3 months but it’s likely to be for six months to a year, especially if it was a toxic relation
ship.

  If they’ve disappeared on you before, or you’ve broken up or have even attempted NC previously, you’ll need to take the longest period of time that they've ever disappeared for and significantly exceed it. While there isn’t a science to it, if the longest you’ve been NC for is three months, you will likely need to be NC for five to six months at least, but more likely in the nine months to a year region. Of course, it’s all about what you do with the time because if you use the time well – whether it’s one month or three months – if and when they pop back in your life, it won’t matter. If you use NC to bide your time for the next instalment of drama and to blame yourself and do other unhealthy stuff, whether it’s one month, one year or ten years, you will respond to your ex in an unhealthy manner and be right back into the cycle.

  It’s important to remember that NC is about using this time to address your habits and to build up your resources and resilience. If you engage under the premise that they’ve changed, you’re just setting yourself up for a big fall and it exposes an underlying motivation to use NC as a means of attempting to prompt your ex into changing.

  Think of NC like giving up smoking – it'll hurt in the short term and you'll be tempted to light up a few times in the first few weeks, but after a while, you feel better than you expected and time is disappearing. You don’t give up smoking with a view to maybe lighting up again in a few months’ time because that’s already showing a lack of commitment to changing your habits. Equally, it’s best to embark on NC with the view to moving on, not trying to schedule in when you can next hang out with them.

  You’re likely to obsess and panic about the fact that you may not hear from them again but if you truly are doing NC for the right reasons and you keep the focus on yourself, you will move on with your life and it won’t matter to you whether they get back in touch. And if they do, it won’t derail you. It’s important to remember that breakups are about ending and changing the nature of a relationship and moving forward. Yes some people do become genuine friends after a breakup but plenty of people don’t yet do however manage to maintain very destructive connections.