The No Contact Rule

by Natalie Lue

  10. No ‘liking’, commenting and responding. If you decide to remain ‘friends’ on Facebook, you still have to do NC. In olden times, your sources of anxiety were limited, whereas now you have too many options for worrying about how you ‘look’ or what they might be thinking that you’re thinking about them. Spare yourself the headache and hide their updates as per #4 and don’t respond to anything no matter how innocuous you think it may be. It’s not. I’ve seen people freak out over a clicked like – to think that this wasn’t even part of our lives a decade ago and we’re so affected by it is quite scary! Remember that due to the ambiguity and sometimes Wild Wild West nature of the internet, clicking on their stuff will send mixed messages that may give this person the impression that it’s OK to reach out to you.

  11. Change your profile picture if both of you are in it.

  12. Rip off the Band-Aid that is changing your relationship status. Not everyone sees or even notices the change and it’s got to happen some time.

  Twitter

  I don’t hear as many complaints about Twitter issues and NC as I do about Facebook but when I do hear stories, they’re always featuring heavyweight drama because there’s something about Twitter and it being about more than just your own circle of friends (who you might normally restrain yourself around), that seems to inspire people to get their drama on through a torrent of 140 character messages.

  You will also find that if you’re social media savvy and your ex isn’t, but they want to keep tabs on you, they’ll suddenly develop an interest in Twitter to find ways to stir up trouble so that you’ll engage with them. This may include going through your followers and messaging them, reading into innocent tweets, or accusing you of stuff off the back of your updates.

  I like social media but it’s not worth having your ex on your back, and due to the stream of consciousness feel of Twitter, it’s all too easy to sound off and think that it’s not going to be seen when it might be. It’s not about being fake but it is about considering whether playing out your relationship drama or even a new romance on Twitter is really worth drawing your ex into your life.

  1. Don’t talk about them on Twitter. The easiest way to minimise aggravation from your ex about your Twitter updates is to ensure that you don’t feed the drama. While somebody who wants to misconstrue stuff will latch on to anything and everything to engage with you, make your own life easier by not talking about them (even when you think it’s been cleverly disguised) on Twitter. Some people get off on this kind of attention and what you also need to know is that even if your ex doesn’t respond to what you post about them, it doesn’t mean that they’re not reading it and thinking, “Yep, they still want me.”

  2. No fights. If they’re on Twitter too, resist the urge to get drawn into a Twitter spat with them or their mutual friends, or even their current partner. It all ends up looking a bit Jerry Springer/Maury/Jeremy Kyle. Unless that’s the look you’re going for, bite your Twitter tongue.

  3. Consider protecting your updates. If they’re harassing you, whether it’s on or off Twitter, protecting your updates until things have calmed down may give you some breathing space. Do also keep a screengrab of any offensive tweets (they may delete them after they’ve got a reaction or when they realise that they’re over the line).

  4. Don’t read their feed. Spare yourself the drama. I would also avoid reading their mentions.

  5. There is a block function. This only stops their tweets showing in your feed and any @ replies from showing in your mentions but it doesn’t mean that they won’t read your updates (they just need to log out if your page is public) nor does it mean that they can’t or won’t tweet about you.

  LinkedIn

  The professional networking site gets a mention here for one particular reason: if you read your ex’s profile or vice versa, they (or you) will know about it because the site lets each user know who has been viewing their profile, something that many people don’t know until they’re found out or it notifies them about their ex checking up on them.

  I’ve listened to so many people asking, “I don’t understand! Why were they looking at my profile when they don’t want to have a relationship with me/give me what I want?” So I know that these notifications can be a great source of angst. Spare yourself and simply don’t look and if you discover that they’re looking, don’t read anything into it. It’s curiosity, a quick fix, but it doesn’t mean that they’ve changed or that they want to get back together. It’s just LinkedIn.

  Most people (yes you and me included) have checked up on somebody from their past when they thought that they could do it without being found out. It’s human nature and what a lot of social networking is about. If you make this person looking at your profile into a big deal, you may fall into the trap of making contact, only to end up disappointed all over again. They may know that you get notified and are hoping that you’ll do their dirty work and reach out and basically provide confirmation that you’re still interested. Don’t go there.

  Dating Sites, Alumni Sites, Forums, Blogs etc

  Over the years I’ve corresponded with many readers who could probably give the FBI/MI5/CIA a damn good run for their money with their investigative skills. Many of these people believed that they were NC but actually, they weren’t because they were giving themselves a false sense of control by monitoring the movements of their exes or even their new partners. Now I’m not suggesting that you don’t continue to use websites that you would normally frequent. What I am saying is that signing up to, or visiting sites where you know that your ex is a member/user, because they provide a means of you getting a window into their lives is not healthy.

  Dating sites tend to let you know when a user last logged in, whether they’re very active, and possibly even show whether they’re online. Of course it’s not just about investigating how active they are; it’s combing their profiles to see what changes they’ve made, whether it’s to photos or to their description, or even setting up a fake profile to see if information can be gleaned. Even discovering that their profile has been removed from the site can be enough to send some people into a tailspin because they panic and believe that the removal means that they’ve moved on to another relationship.

  I find that alumni sites tend to be checked when you’re both in the same alumni and may be concerned that they’re moving on to someone else from your class or that they’re sharing information about you, although with the dominance of Facebook, alumni sites are less of a concern.

  Forums are full of people gathered around a particular subject and some people do resort to signing up so that they can monitor their ex, even if they’re not saying anything about the relationship. When an ex comments via their own name on sites or you’re aware of their pseudonym, it can also be tempting to frequent sites that they read and ensure that they haven’t got a flirtation going on with another commenter. Or to engage with them anonymously. Which is weird and out of bounds because remember, you’re NC and you want some boundaries!

  These are of course just some examples and really it comes down to avoiding doing things online that connect you to your ex or basically involve you virtually stalking them… and that includes running credit checks (yes really) or even poking around on their work site. Don’t feed the curiosity monster because you can lose hours, if not days of your life combing the internet for information about your ex and all you’re doing is torturing yourself and engaging in what could potentially become compulsive behaviour if you don’t get yourself in check.

  Snogs, Shags, Cuddles etc

  Surprise, surprise, but once you embark on NC, it’s time for the bodily contact to stop. Really. I’m not talking about bumping into them or having to see them at work or whatever; I’m talking about bumping bodily parts. You might think, “Well obviously!”, but you’d be amazed how many people have said stuff to me along the lines of, “Well we only went to first base so it was ‘low contact’…” (it’s worrying when people old enough to remember whe
n Michael Jackson was black use the term “first base”), “We didn’t have full sex and normally we would so it’s not fully breaking NC” (Is this like being a little bit pregnant?) and “I am NC but I get lonely sometimes and so I meet up with him for cuddles” (because that screams boundaries, right?).

  If sex can be used as a weapon in relationships, it can certainly be used outside of one too.

  They may be the best sex you’ve ever had, or you may be feeling lonely, but it doesn’t mean that you should keep going back for extra helpings. Nobody ever died from lack of sex and really, your vagina or penis definitely shouldn’t be the boss of you, as aside from the fact that it’s a sexual organ, it’s also not a good judge of character. It just doesn’t have those skills.

  NC means no sex, no quick fumbles, slippery snogs, one last shag for old time’s sake, or any bodily contact.

  I’ve advised many readers over the years to avoid getting involved with someone who is fresh out of a breakup, certainly for at least the first month but depending on how long it’s taking to ‘finalise’ the breakup, it could be a few months. Why? Because as you may already know, when you first break up with somebody, the conversations and possibly arguments continue, there’s calling (or texting/emailing) one another to ‘check in’ and there’s highly likely to be some sort of sexual contact during this period.

  I suggest you get the “one last shag for old time’s sake” out of the way (if that’s on the cards) and then focus on NC. If you’ve had a lot of these shags (or kisses or cuddles), I would just get on with NC because there is no tipping point of kissing, cuddling and sexing that’s suddenly going to make you confident about biting the NC bullet. What are you hoping for? That it’s mediocre? I wouldn’t rely on this anyway as you’d be surprised how many people keep breaking NC to go back for what essentially boils down to crap sex…

  I appreciate why sex etc, may be attractive because it’s a ‘connection’ with someone who is familiar but if a sexual connection was enough to keep a relationship together, you wouldn’t be reading this book. The likelihood is that when you ‘soothe’ yourself with kissing, cuddling or sex with your ex, it’s in response to not being able to deal with uncomfortable feelings or not having more appropriate means of dealing with stress, rejection, boredom, horniness or even hunger.

  It’s also important to note that prioritising sex and allowing yourself to be used for it or even going back for it because it’s what they’re good at, is objectification.

  Reconnecting in this manner can string out an unhealthy relationship for months or even years and it’s prolonging the agony. When all is said and done and you wake up and realise that you haven’t really progressed emotionally, mentally or physically, you’ll realise that it wasn’t worth exchanging your life and wellbeing for kisses, cuddles and sex, especially when you didn’t have a healthy relationship or your self-esteem in tow.

  Occasions

  Birthdays, Easter, Valentines, Thanksgiving, Christmas/The Holidays, National Curry Day, the FA Cup Final, the birth of a baby, bereavements, anniversaries and the list goes on; there are clearly a lot of reasons we can find to get in touch with an ex.

  These occasions can catch us off guard because they mark a passage of time that may highlight and even accentuate the differences between the present and where you were at that time the previous year. Sometimes it’s not that you’re remembering, more that you’re experiencing the grief that comes with the hopes you had for being with them for this occasion (it might have been the first) not being realised.

  The disappointment is understandable but part of grieving the loss of a relationship and respecting boundaries – both theirs and your own – is recognising that you can’t pick up the relationship or restart contact for occasions. You’ve got to know where to draw the line.

  Birthdays and various other occasions in the calendar don’t change. Start as you mean to go on because where does it all end with saluting them on each occasion? What are you going to do in year 2 or year 10?

  No Contact means… No Contact and if you choose to make contact for any of these reasons, there must be no underlying motive, which there rarely isn’t. Feeling compelled to reach out on big occasions is code for looking for reasons to be in contact aka smoke signals. Some of these ‘occasions’ are symbols of aspects of your ex that form part of your connection which in turn you attach a meaning to. So, for example, when their team wins in a big sporting event, that can set off the temptation to reach out.

  These occasions become opportunities to ensure that you haven’t been forgotten and to place yourself front and centre in their mind. Really, is a card or a message going to make this person change or regret missing you, race back into your life and sweep you off your feet?

  Occasions can also represent waiting for an excuse or a bad situation to befall them that you can exploit. Hard to hear but if you could see my inbox! Really, you shouldn’t be waiting for the perfect excuse to try and get your agenda on the table. I get it and understand that you’re grieving and that you miss them, but this all goes back to validating the original reasons for doing NC and getting behind your decision. It’s a totally normal part of the breakup to be reminded of your ex by certain things – this dissipates over time as long as you don’t use these memories to inflate meaning or your hurt.

  Take a bereavement for instance – I totally understand why you might want to reach out at this time but there a couple of things that reveal where you’re really at: your method of expressing your condolences and what you expect or do after these condolences have been expressed. Best way to express your condolences? Send a card and flowers, pick up the phone, or go around and pay your respects if there is an open house or a set time to do so. Sending a text or posting something on their Facebook page? Come on now!

  Equally, if all you’re doing is a genuine expression of your condolences, there shouldn’t be any thinking about getting back together, sleeping with them, or feeling that you have to stick around to get them through this time because you’re not in their life anymore and you’re not the only person capable of providing support, especially because you’re supposed to be NC. If they try it on with you, don’t tell them all about themselves but do just say, “I’m sorry for your loss and that you’re hurting. I wanted to let you know this but it doesn’t mean that I want to restart anything with you. Take care”… and… move it along. With this in mind, here are some more tips for navigating these situations:

  1. Don’t hijack the occasion. I’ve heard enough painful stories of exes that suddenly got back in touch around a bereavement, birthday etc, swooped in with a whole load of big promises and showboating, acted like they were The Most Supportive Partner Ever™… and then vanished off the face of the earth. There are too many people who associate the painful loss of their parent or a milestone birthday with an ex. You’re supposed to be NC so you shouldn’t be hijacking anyway.

  2. When it’s their birthday, it’s not your birthday. If you’re mostly thinking about your own internal drama, you’re not really thinking about him/her and you are in fact projecting. It being their birthday is not a valid reason for breaking NC because it’s like trying to give yourself some sort of birthday present in the form of validation and possibly attempting to rekindle the relationship. Birthdays only last for one day but the effects of misplaced expectations and unhealthy habits last far longer.

  3. Avoid starting NC within a few days to a couple of weeks of their (or your) birthday because the likelihood is, you’ll reach out. In fact, this really applies to most occasions but birthdays in particular because they’re personal. If it’s your birthday and you start NC and they don’t get in touch and it’s only been a short time since starting NC, you may feel compelled to tell them all about themselves or go attention seeking. If it’s their birthday, you may feel “bad” about not being in touch. Have an honest conversation with yourself – if you think that you’re highly likely to knee-jerk into contact if you start NC and then
a birthday happens later in the week, wait until afterwards and spare yourself (and them) the drama.

  4. Be careful of feeling compelled to reach out on anniversaries. I understand it, believe me, especially if you were together through something difficult like a bereavement, but working through this anniversary without them and possibly with the support of others, is grief work that you need to focus on. Yes they may understand you and you them and yes, you may feel bonded over this difficult situation, but it’s not enough to cancel out the reasons why you’re doing NC. You have to find a way to start dealing with this.

  5. You don’t need to send a card. Whether it’s for a birthday, Christmas or whatever, the fact that you’re even thinking about sending a card demonstrates that you are still too concerned with how you look and so-called ‘protocol’ instead of putting your energies into NC.

  6. Remember that sending messages to their friends and family on big occasions may be perceived as you sending a smoke signal to your ex. I appreciate that you may like their family for instance, but be careful of not only crossing your ex’s boundaries, but also of inadvertently maintaining a connection between you both.